“Hey, Mom,” I chirp into the phone, trying to sound as if I’m not crying.
“What’s wrong?” she blurts out.
“Nothing. Why?” I feign innocence.
“Sara Marie Calhoun, don’t you lie to me. I can hear it in your voice that you’re upset,” she fumes.
I think of what to say to her. I’m going to have to tell them at some point, it might as well be now.
“Is Dad there with you?” I ask quickly before I change my mind.
“Yes, honey, he is. Why? You’re scaring me,” she says with hesitation.
“Can you get him and put me on speaker. I need to talk to you guys.”
She doesn’t reply for a moment and then I hear her shout for my dad.
The phone clicks.
“Hi, sweet girl,” Dad yells, causing me to laugh.
“You don’t have to yell, she can hear you,” Mom reprimands him, making me giggle. How have I not realized until now how much I’d miss being close to them if I went to Arizona.
“Hi, Daddy,” I laugh out. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you guys about something.”
“We’re here, honey. What’s going on?” Mom implores.
I’m turning onto my street when my phone beeps with another incoming call.
Eli.
I ignore the call and focus on the conversation I need to have with my parents.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the Arizona move,” I start, but pause when my phone beeps again.
Eli again.
Ignore.
“What would you guys think if I decided to stay here and not go to PA school?” I blurt it out quickly because I need their input, but I’m afraid of the disappointment I’m afraid I’m about to hear.
They’re both silent for a few seconds before Dad speaks first.
“Baby, we just want you to be happy. You’ve always wanted to be a nurse, so we were actually surprised when you announced you’d been accepted to PA school. I mean, we’re proud of you already for the things you’ve accomplished. If you choose not to go to Arizona, we’d still be proud of you.” His response makes me start crying again. I needed to hear that.
My phone chimes with a voice mail alert.
Mom is really quiet, and I’m almost afraid to ask.
“Mom?” I croak out.
She doesn’t respond immediately, and my fear kicks up a notch. “Oh, Sara, we are so damn proud of you already. We’ll always support your decisions to further your education.” She pauses and says something to my dad with her hand over the phone. “If I'm completely honest here, I’d be absolutely thrilled if you didn’t move to Arizona. I kind of like having you close.”
I laugh through the tears and know that this definitely helped me make this decision.
I’m staying.
I MAKE IT HOME just as the sun goes down. Pulling into my driveway, I take a deep breath and lay my head back against the seat.
I have so much to do to stay here. My last day of work is supposed to be tomorrow and they’ve already replaced me. I need to find a job, and I know just what field I want to work in. I need to call Jose and break the news to him that he’ll have to find another roommate. I’ll call the school tomorrow and cancel my registration and classes. Unpacking will be easy since all the boxes are still in the rooms they were packed in. I need to cancel the U-Haul.
As soon as the front door is closed behind me, Diesel comes sauntering down the hallway, looking bored. I sit down on the floor and wait for him to come to me. He’s going to be so much happier here too. I mean, it gets stupid hot in Arizona and he’s a huge baby about the heat. Not that I blame him. I can’t imagine wearing a fur coat in hundred degree temps.
He saunters over and plops down in my lap, waiting for the inevitable belly rub. Another thing about having Diesel has always been that he grounds me. I used to be able to curl up with him, a good book, and a cup of coffee and tune out the rest of the world. I wish my life was that simple these days. It will be again soon though.
I’m refocusing. Reprioritizing.
My phone chimes again, reminding me that I have a voice mail from Eli to listen too. I pull myself off the floor and sit down on the couch. Hitting the speaker button, I play back the voice message.
Hey. I know you’re upset with me and you have every right to be. I didn’t know what to say when you left, and I’m sorry for that too. I wish we could spend more time together before you leave, but I do understand why you feel like we can’t.
He takes a deep breath and lets out a growl of frustration before he continues.
I know you think that this isn’t killing me, but it is. I care about you so much, Sara. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, but my heart is telling me one thing, and my brain is telling me another. I’m only twenty years old. I have so many plans for my life, and as much as I’d believed I could fit a relationship into it, the realization that a baby could’ve changed everything still scares the hell out of me.
He pauses again, and I think maybe that’s the end of the message, but then his voice echoes through the quiet of my living room again.
I know you’re leaving next week, and I would really love to take you out to dinner before you go. Just to say good-bye. I need to say good-bye properly, Sara. I need one more night. Please.
I play the message no less than five times. Why must this be so hard?
I know I should probably tell him, but it won’t matter. Whether I stay or go, he’s not ready for a relationship. He said so himself, and even if he doesn’t see it, there’s no way we could stay just friends. We’d start sleeping together again and we’d be back to “undefined relationship with benefits.” That’s not what I want anymore.
I care about Eli very much. Actually, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I’m already in love with him, but he is not ready for that step. I get it. I’m older than him. I have a career already. He’s still in college and finding his way. I won’t force myself into his life.
But I miss him so much it hurts. The last few months, he’s become one of my best friends. I miss seeing him every day and chatting about our day over dinner. I miss cuddling with him on the couch and binge-watching shows on Netflix. That’s what I want.
I’m not saying I want to get married and start popping out babies right now, but knowing there is the potential for that in the future would be a start. Hell, Eli just told me he doesn’t want a relationship with me.
I go through my nightly routine of taking off my makeup and brushing my teeth, all while considering calling Ramzi to tell her I’m staying. I should probably wait until tomorrow when I know Ben isn’t at her house. I’m not going to go overboard trying to keep it from him, but I’m not telling Eli I’m staying. He made his choice. I’ll have to talk to Ramzi about keeping me and my life out of her conversations with Ben.
Before I can change my mind, I text Eli.
Me: I’m sorry, Eli. I can’t. If we’re making a clean break, I can’t keep ripping the wound back open by seeing you again. I hope you understand. <3 I really do hope all your dreams come true. <3
I press send, put my phone on silent, plug it in, and climb into bed. Sleep eludes me for hours, but when I finally fall asleep, I wish I hadn’t. I dream of my beautiful baby boy with his dad’s eyes.
Three weeks later.
AS I LEAVE BRIARWOOD Children’s Hospital, I lean my head back and smile as my face warms from the sun. I got the job, and I can finally breathe again for the first time in weeks.
Making my way to my car, I call Ramzi to tell her the good news.
“What’s up, chica?” Ramzi answers on the first ring.
“I got the job!” I screech into the phone.
“Yay!” she shouts back. “Congratulations, girl. I know how much you wanted that job. We should totally go out for dinner tonight to celebrate. My treat.”
I haven’t been out of the house other than for job interviews in weeks. After my epiphany about staying here and sub
sequent meltdown about not having a job or Eli, I pulled myself together and started applying to work in any pediatric facility that was looking for RNs. I’d gone on several interviews but had really wanted this one at BCH. I’d held out for it and turned down other offers in hopes that I’d get it. It’s in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, or PICU for short.
But Ramzi was right. I need to get out of the house and start living again. Eli had texted me a few more times after my good-bye text, but they still sit in my messages unread.
“Yes, ma’am. Let’s do it,” I tell her, trying to sound excited. I need this. I need a night out with my best friend and some fun.
“Yes!” she screams. “About damn time you took me up on the offer.”
I laugh at her excitement but am thankful for such a supportive best friend.
“All right, I gotta go because I need to call Kylie to come cover the bar for me tonight, and I need to call Ben and cancel our sleepover,” she explains.
“What excuse are you going to give him?” I ask her quickly, hoping she remembers to keep my location out of conversation.
“I don’t need to give him an excuse. I’ll just tell him something came up. It’ll drive him crazy and maybe he’ll understand why I get frustrated when he does it to me,” she laughs out. I swear those two are dangerous together. I’m waiting for the day that either Ben realizes he’s head over heels in love, marries her and has a thousand babies, or the day she calls and tells me it’s over. If it’s the latter, I’ll have my work cut out for me. She would be totally devastated. As much as she tries to portray being a badass, Ramzi is completely in love with Ben.
“All right, hooch,” I continue. “What time you picking me up?”
“I’ll be there at seven. You better not be in jeans and a T-shirt either. I want you looking hot and ready for some fun,” she exhorts, making me laugh.
“I’ll make an effort, I promise.”
“Good. See you at seven.”
LOOKING AT MYSELF in the full-length mirror, I realize the extent of my recent weight loss. Most people “stress eat” when they have a lot going on in their lives. I’m the opposite. I forget to eat and I have no appetite when I’m stressed out. I don’t usually notice it until I’ve lost enough weight that my clothes fit differently. My size 6 maxi dress is falling off me. Instead of looking hot, I look like I’m wearing a sack.
Jeans and a cute shirt it is.
When Ramzi arrives and sees that I’m wearing jeans, she huffs.
“What the hell, Sara? I said no jeans.”
I laugh at her frustration. “Look,” I say, pointing to the dress on the bed. “I was totally going to wear that, but apparently, I’ve lost a little weight and it looks horrible.”
“Bullshit. Put it back on. I’ll be the judge of that,” she snaps at me playfully.
I put the dress back on, and when I turn so she can see it, she frowns.
“Jesus. You weren’t kidding. It’s like a potato sack,” she grumbles. “You need to eat a damn cheeseburger, girl. What the hell?”
“I know, I know. I’ve been stressed out and you know how I get when I’m stressed out.”
Before I can continue, she blurts out, “Why don’t you just call him? Ben says Eli is still moping around.”
I shake my head before I continue. “No way. Anyhow, I was about to say, things will get better now that I have the job I want, and my life feels as though it’s finally settling back into normalcy.”
She lets it go, because the last time she told me to call Eli, we fought and I had refused to talk to her for two days. She wasn’t taking his side, but in the beginning, she could see how miserable I was without him. My heart still aches for him, but the pain has become so much a part of my life that it seems normal now.
“Put the jeans back on and let’s go,” she replies with a smile.
Once I’m dressed, we’re on our way.
Walking up to the restaurant she chose makes my heart drop. Eli brought me here once. I wonder why she picked this one.
“Why this place? We’ve never been here,” I ask quickly, trying not to sound as if it’s a big deal.
“Ben brought me here once, and they have the best pulled-pork nachos ever,” she brags. “They have some pretty great local beers on tap too.”
I don’t respond and just follow her into the building. What are the chances of Ben or Eli being in the same restaurant as us in the middle of the week? A million to one probably. I scan the area just to be sure, but I don’t see either of their trucks.
We sit down at a booth in the bar area and put in our drink and food order. She talks about how the bar is doing now that she’s finally starting to make the changes she wants. Ramzi bought the bar with the goal of turning it into a bar/restaurant. It was a great location but needed a ton of work to make it what she wanted it to be. She’s not a chef by any means. Actually, she can’t cook further than scrambled eggs or Top Ramen, but she loves the atmosphere and is very much a people person.
I explain to her about the new job and what it entails. She seems pretty surprised at the field I’ve decided to work in but says she gets why I chose it, considering my love of kids and my dedication to helping people. I’m the first one to admit that I’m nervous about working in PICU. It’s new to me, but I feel a pull to it that I can’t explain.
After we eat, Ramzi is insistent that we need to hit downtown and drowned our “boy blues.” She needs that as much as I do.
When we get to The Grove, there are people spilling out into the beer garden because the weather is perfect today. We make our way through the swarms of people up to the bar to get our beer before heading outside.
The moment we step into the beer garden, I hear his laugh. Panicking, I grab Ramzi’s arm to stop her, causing her to spill her beer onto the guy walking passed. She apologizes to him as he huffs and storms away.
“Jesus, Sara. What is wrong with you?” she barks at me, but I ignore her.
My eyes are scanning for him, and my heart lodges in my throat the moment my eyes connect with the side of his face.
A face that I’ve missed so much my chest physically hurts.
A face that used to look at me tenderly when I was having a bad day.
A face that is currently staring at the gorgeous woman in front of him, who is smiling at him as though he is the best thing since sliced bread.
A face that has that sexy “bad boy” smirk that he does when he’s flirting.
Everything around me tunes out. He’s here. With a woman.
Ramzi steps beside me and says something but my ears are useless with only the sound of my own blood rushing through them. She follows my line of sight, and I know when she sees what I’m seeing because she grips my arm, pulling me back into the world of sound.
“Let’s go,” she whisper-shouts into my ear. I shake my head, unable to tear my eyes away from what’s happening in front of me. He reaches forward and tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear, causing her to lean into his hand, almost nuzzling it before he pulls back and scans the crowd on the other side of him.
A guy steps up and stands beside him and I recognize him immediately. It’s Destry. He stands beside Eli for a moment and says something to him before hugging the blonde and striding off. My eyes follow Destry as he walks away, pulling his car keys from his pocket.
I’m almost afraid to look back over at him, when Ramzi once again brings me back to earth. “We’re leaving,” she demands. She takes the beer from my hand, setting both our glasses on the table beside us before grabbing my arm and pulling me toward the exit. Just as we’re out of the fenced in area and onto the sidewalk, I chance a glance back at him and meet his shocked expression. His eyes are glued to me.
I don’t give him my emotions. I return my gaze to Ramzi as we walk away.
The moment we’re in her car, she turns to me. “Are you okay?”
I don’t really know how to answer that. Yes, I’m not breaking down, but my heart broke a littl
e bit more the moment I saw him give her the affection that should belong to me. He was already back to his philandering ways less than a month after we last spoke.
“I’m fine, but I need to go home now,” I tell her. She nods and starts the car without another word.
We drive in silence until Ramzi pulls onto my street.
“He misses you, Sara,” she says cautiously. I shake my head because I don’t want to hear this. “I haven’t told you because you don’t want to talk about him, but I’ve seen him a few times at the bar with Ben. He always asks how you’re adjusting to Arizona, how Diesel is, if school is going okay. He asks even though he knows I won’t tell him. Hell, even Ben was on me the other day because I won’t tell Eli anything.”
I finally let the tears fall, because her telling me he misses me after witnessing him with another woman both angers and confuses me.
“I don’t want to hear this, Ramzi,” I choke out as she pulls into my driveway. I’m out of the car and heading to the door before she’s even completely parked.
“Damn it, Sara. You’re going to listen to me,” she yells at she runs across the front lawn, trying to get to me before I get inside. I start to run but her legs are as long as my entire body, and she tackles me to the ground before I can get more than a few steps.
“Get the fuck off me, Ramzi,” I laugh out, because I cannot believe she just tackled me in my own front yard… in a short-ass dress.
She pins my arms beside me and sits on my hips, straddling my legs. I’m sure my neighbors are getting a kick out of this.
“No, you’re going to listen to me damn it,” she responds with frustration. “I get that he acted like an ass and that he said he isn’t ready for a relationship. I get that he hurt you. But you need to know he’s hurting too. Ben also asks about you because he’s tired of seeing his brother acting like someone he’s not. He said he has become a homebody, which he never used to be. That he spends most of his time now doing research on his new obsession with counseling.”
Finding Our Forever: (A Defining Moments Novel) Page 17