“It’s a totally different situation,” Grace muttered.
“Whatever you say, boss.” Jennifer shrugged. “Just remember. You can be right and alone … or you can take a minute to think about what Charlie might be feeling. It’s totally up to you.”
CHAPTER 23
“Welcome home, sweetie,” Vera and Ada said together as Grace stepped gingerly over the threshold into the front hall, one arm linked in Helen’s, Charlie right behind with her suitcase. Now that all the Percocet had worn off, Grace felt like she’d ridden across the country on horseback. Looking up the spiral staircase, she wondered how she was going to make it up to her room.
“Thank you. It’s good to be home.” Unconsciously, Grace was starting to consider Helen’s house home: a warm, loving, safe place. Catching herself, she corrected, “I mean it’s good to be back here.”
Helen laughed. “You were right the first time. It’s good to have you back home. Just because your bump is gone doesn’t mean you have to make any decisions or go anywhere. This is your home for as long as you want it to be.”
Tears filled Grace’s eyes and she threw her arms around Helen’s neck. This must be more of that hormone instability that the doctor was talking about. “I love you, Helen, I really do. You saved me. I wouldn’t have made it without you, or you,” she continued, turning to Charlie.
Grateful that she still thought he was an important part of her life, even though she had shut him out of the whole college thing, Charlie tried to smile graciously and said, “That’s what friends are for, right?”
The last thing he needed was another friend. From friend, to more than that, and back again. Hopefully Helen was right — this was just part of the process, and he had to wait until Grace figured it out for herself. But how could that happen if she ended up hundreds or thousands of miles away at college? For the past few months he had held onto this day, the day when she was no longer housing her little boarder and she was free to move on with her life, hopefully with him. Now Charlie, friend and bellhop, stood at the bottom of the stairs, awaiting instructions. What he wanted to do was swoop her up in his arms and carry her up the stairs, but Helen would probably say that was crossing the line, which could jeopardize his move into the more than friend area. So instead, he stood like an idiot, watching Grace tentatively mount the first step.
“Where’s Grace? I can’t find her anywhere.” It had been ten days since Grace had given birth, and today was supposed to be her first day back at school. Knowing how much she had been dreading this day, Charlie had made a plan with Jennifer to ensure that Grace wouldn’t be on her own for a minute.
“She’s gone. She left early this morning,” replied Helen softly.
“Gone? Where did she go? She has to go back to school. She didn’t even say goodbye.” Feeling abandoned and hurt, Charlie appealed to his aunt for an explanation. Trying to do everything right, he had only succeeded in driving her away.
“I know. That was on purpose. Here, read the note she left.” Helen sighed and handed Charlie the letter she had already read three times. Although Grace had only been living there for seven months, the house felt empty without her.
Dear Aunt Helen and Charlie,
I feel terrible saying goodbye this way, but if I did it face to face, I would probably chicken out. After everything that’s happened to me, I need to get as far away from here as I can, if I ever want to find my way home again. Does that make any sense at all? If not for the two of you, I would have lost myself completely in the last seven months. Helen, I can’t even imagine what would’ve happened to me if you hadn’t rescued me that day. You saved two lives. But you can’t do everything for me, no matter how wonderful you are, and now I need to figure out who I am, or who I want to be.
I applied to be a junior counselor at a program called No Boundaries. For the next two and a half months I’ll be climbing mountains and learning survival skills with a group of young girls in Colorado. All of them have gone through difficult experiences, and I hope that while I help them find their way, I will be able to find mine
I’m not running away from home, from your home. I’ll be back. As for my parents, I don’t know what to do yet. I know I have to work that out somehow, but like they say in all those recovery programs, one step at a time. If I work on my relationship with myself, maybe all my other relationships will fall into place.
I love you both more than words can say,
Grace
P.S. I took the GED exam, so I have my high school diploma, in case you were worried that I’d forgotten about graduating. Mrs. Evans already knows, and I’m taking the AP exams in Colorado. Don’t worry, as crazy as all this sounds, I’m still taking care of business.
“She thinks I don’t care. That’s why she left. I should’ve spoken up,” Charlie said, more to himself than to Helen. “And she’s afraid of heights. She’ll get hurt.”
“Well perhaps that is exactly why she chose to go to the mountains.” Although Helen had not been expecting Grace to run off to the Rockies, now that it had happened, she wasn’t surprised.
“But she just had a baby. Climbing mountains can’t be a good idea in her condition.”
“Grace has a good head on her shoulders. She can take care of herself.” Helen said, wishing she could take away some of Charlie’s pain. He looked like a lost puppy.
“Do you really think she’ll come back?” Desperate for reassurance, Charlie didn’t care that he sounded like a love-struck girl. Even though they would probably be leaving for different colleges in September, he had banked on having the whole summer with Grace, and he worried that the perfect days that he had been daydreaming about — water-skiing and hiking and picnics — would never be more than stupid fantasies.
“That’s what the letter says.”
Quickly scanning the letter again, Charlie said, “Can I fly out to Colorado, just to make sure she’s okay? I’ll come right back.”
“That’s ridiculous. She sounds perfectly fine, very determined, and if she had wanted to say goodbye to you, she would have done so. Do you want to spoil any chance you have with her? As I told you a couple of months ago, you’re just going to have to be patient.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Well, only you can decide if she’s worth the wait,” Helen said, knowing full well that while Charlie might not be happy about this latest development, he was so head over heels in love, he had no choice but to sit back and wait for Grace to find her way back home in her own good time.
“You know the answer to that question,” Charlie said.
“It’s settled, then. Pick your college, finish out the year, and wait for Grace to come home. The only behavior you can control is your own. You can’t make Grace get where she needs to go any sooner than she’s able to.”
“You sound like a shrink, Aunt Helen.”
“After twenty years of therapy, I could probably do a decent job.” What would Dr. Needleman think if she had a little competition on the leather couch? “Now go live your life. You’re so young. There’s plenty of time for this all to work out before you get your first gray hair.”
While leaving a goodbye note for Helen and Charlie was necessary under the circumstances, Jennifer had required the personal touch. “Hey, it’s me,” Grace whispered into the phone.
“Why are you whispering?” Jennifer whispered back.
“It’s late, and I don’t want to wake anyone.”
“So why are you sneaking phone calls after lights out? You want to plan our outfits for tomorrow?” Jennifer asked, stifling a yawn. “Wear jeans, if you can stuff yourself into them. I’ll see you in the morning. Do you want me to pick you up, or is your boyfriend, who you refuse to admit is your boyfriend, going to drive you?”
“That’s why I called you. I’m not going back to school.”
Not drawn in by what was obviously a middle-of-the-night attack of cold feet, Jennifer tried not to laugh. “So you’re finally running away with the ci
rcus. I’ve thought about doing that myself. Are you going to be tightrope walker, or are you going to clean up after the elephants?”
“Could you step pretending it’s open mic night for five whole minutes? This is important,” Grace begged. She was about to regret not leaving a note for Jennifer as well.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just a defense mechanism. Speak your piece.”
“I’m not going back to school, because I’m going away to this wilderness survival program in Colorado,” Grace answered, waiting for the barrage of bad jokes that would surely follow. Sometimes she wondered if she existed solely to feed Jennifer lines.
“But you don’t camp, remember? Except at the Hyatt. And what about your shy bladder? How are you going to pee in front of the bears and the mountain lions?”
“I’m so sorry I ever told you about that. I’ll manage. In the last nine months, half of Connecticut has seen my vag. I think I can pee in the woods.”
“You’re right. You must be over your stage fright by now. But why are you leaving when the worst part is finally over? You’re a skinny kid again. No more baby on board. I thought we’d spend the last couple of months of senior year together.”
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t go back. I need to figure some stuff out, and I can’t do that here, in front of everyone, across the street from my parents. Except for one run-in at the grocery store, I haven’t seen them in almost seven and a half months, and I’m not ready to face them yet.”
“It’s none of my business, but with your fake grandma, who I have to say is the coolest senior citizen I’ve ever met, who the hell needs parents? Especially your dumbass, narrow-minded, intolerant, provincial — I could go on — parents?”
“But they’re still my parents. Doesn’t that bond mean anything? I spent two minutes with Molly and I’m irrevocably tied to her, even if I never get to see her again. Holding her in my arms changed me forever. I don’t even know how to describe it.”
“Not necessarily. Look at Nick. He’s Molly’s father, but he barely deserves the title of sperm donor. Two minutes of fucking doesn’t make people parents.”
“But Betsy and Brad were my parents for seventeen years before this happened. We were a happy family. That’s not just biology.”
“You were a happy family because you were every parent’s wet dream … up until the moment you weren’t. You’re beautiful, you’re a fucking genius, you have perfect manners, excellent taste in shoes, and you help old people across the street. Until you blacked out and let Private Prick plant his flag in your brave new world, you were like the Hope Diamond.”
“How can people feel like that about their child, their own flesh and blood? I can’t believe such a thing could be true.” That Betsy and Brad could love her only when she was lovable was a notion Grace didn’t want to wrap her head around, even though Jennifer’s explanation seemed to be the only one left that made any sense after so long.
“You think you’re the only kid who ever got kicked out of the house for getting pregnant, or being gay, or breaking some other inviolable house rule? Like I told you a long time ago, parents are just people. Having a baby can’t turn pea-brained half-wits into benevolent saints. Betsy and Brad are the perfect example.”
“I guess so, but ….” Grace didn’t have an answer. If what Jennifer was saying wasn’t true, then Grace wouldn’t be living with Helen and probably wouldn’t be fleeing to the Rocky Mountains to conquer her fear of heights and everything else.
“Look, their own parents probably fucked them up and they just never had the chance to unpack their baggage, so they ended up dumping it on you. It’s not your fault, and you shouldn’t ruin your life trying to figure it out. Take my word, it’s not you, it’s them. Your only job is not to repeat their mistakes. That’s all.”
Playing psychiatrist at midnight wasn’t easy, but Jennifer had spent a lot of time thinking about Grace’s relationship with her folks. Not that Jennifer’s mom and dad were perfect — far from it — but she knew she was deeply loved. Maybe in the long run that was worth more than an American Express Platinum Card.
“Thank you, J. You’re crazy, but you’re the smartest person I know, and I love you. I’ll see you when I get back. I’m not allowed to write or call anyone during the program, so I guess I’ll see you when I see you.”
“I love you too, biatch. I’m going to miss you at graduation. I guess I’ll have to keep all the awards for myself. Go get sane, and be careful. You’re really important to me. Bye.” Jennifer hung up the phone before her voice broke. If Grace knew she was crying, she’d never hear the end of it.
“Bye,” Grace said to the empty line.
CHAPTER 24
Staring up at thirty feet of fake rock face, Grace was ready to tear off her harness and run back to Connecticut, into the safe, compassionate arms of Helen and Charlie. There was no way she could do this. She could have been standing at the base of Mount Everest.
“Are you ready?” asked Dirk, whose name fit him perfectly. Tall, blond, and ruggedly handsome, he was featured on the cover of the No Boundaries brochure, surrounded by formerly troubled teens who gazed up at him adoringly.
“No, not quite ready.” Grace tugged at the nylon straps between her legs. Dr. Weston had examined her and said she was good to go, but it sure didn’t feel like it.
“You look good down there,” Dr. Weston had said. “You didn’t need an episiotomy, so you’re all healed.”
“So I can go to Colorado?” Grace had explained No Boundaries to her.
“I wouldn’t want to go mountain-climbing two weeks postpartum, but you’re young, and I know that nothing I say is going to stop you, so just be careful. Your body has been through quite a bit, so try to take it easy. You’re going to be tired and sore.”
“I’ll be fine,” Grace said. Tired and sore were nothing after giving birth. It was the pain in her heart and her mind that threatened to do her in.
“You will be,” the doctor told her. “Give me a hug, and come back to see me when you get home.”
Dirk tugged on his own straps. “The harness is supposed to be tight like that, to hold you in and keep you safe.”
“I know.”
No one here knew why Grace had joined the program as a junior counselor. In her application she had written about her desire to test her mettle, face new challenges, all while helping young girls who had been through rough times. That was all true, but the reason for her need to do those things was her own special secret. Like Charlie had said, once she left home, no one would ever need to know. If she told, although she was certain everyone would be just as nice, they would see her differently. She would become just like the troubled girls she was helping, and for the first time in a long while, Grace needed to be someone without those kinds of problems.
“Then let’s do it, Super G.” As appealing as Dirk was visually, that’s how annoying he was to listen to. He never called Grace by her given name. It was always some irritating nickname, like G-Woman or Lady G.
“Okay, I’m going.” And she did. Managing to avoid looking straight down, Grace clawed her way to the top. Once there, she turned and for the first time looked down at Dirk, who was waving and smiling from what looked like a million miles below. Holding her breath so that she wouldn’t hyperventilate, she was at once terrified and ecstatic.
“You did it, Baby G. Now walk down that wall like Spiderman.”
Too scared to open her mouth for fear of what might come out, Grace did as she was told. Her arms felt like rubber bands when she got to the bottom; she could barely hang onto the water bottle Dirk handed her, spilling most of it all over herself.
But by the end of that first day, Grace knew she’d made the right decision. She had literally taken one step at a time, and she had conquered the wall. She could feel her power and self-worth returning, like a dead car battery slowly recharging, and as long as she didn’t spend too much time looking down, she was okay. Her knees were scraped from t
he rough concrete wall and her blistered hands ached from gripping the tiny handholds she’d used to pull herself to the top, but in all that throbbing agony was a sense of accomplishment she’d never known. Getting stellar grades had come so easily, and she realized she’d never pushed herself to do things she wasn’t already good at. Now she knew she was strong enough to challenge herself physically and emotionally, and the rush she got when she conquered her fears was far better than the thrill she’d experienced when Nick told her she was pretty or the satisfaction she felt when her parents used to pat her on the back for a perfect report card.
On the second day, Dirk made Grace look down every minute or two, and she didn’t throw up or faint. Being up high was still scary, but in a thrilling, roller coaster kind of way, because she had learned to trust the rope and Dirk and herself. Strangely, even thirty feet off the ground, she felt safer and more sure of herself than she ever had in her life.
“You’re pretty strong for such a munchkin,” said Dirk.
Grace shrugged. It wasn’t physical strength that was getting her through; it was pure determination. If she failed at this, she knew she would never recover from Nick. Although every muscle in her body was screaming out loud, Grace forced herself to keep going. Like childbirth without anesthesia, the pain was part of her self-inflicted corporal punishment. As nuts as she realized her homemade therapy probably was, it was the only way she was going to be able to forgive herself. Each twinge meant she was another step closer to getting her soul back.
After indoor climbing came outdoor climbing, which was way scarier, but Grace was ready. Then she learned how to build a fire, pitch a tent, kill and cook small animals, catch and gut fish, navigate by the stars, use a compass, gather rainwater, and learn what to do if she ran into a snake or a bear. No Boundaries was for real, and although Grace had read all the paperwork and knew the risks in the abstract, it wasn’t until she was dangling off a sheer rock cliff in the second week that she realized she could actually die in the process of trying to rebuild her life. When she first thought about it, still stinging from her crossed signals with Charlie, she became almost fearless, not caring what happened to her. It would serve Charlie right if she never came back — then he would be sorry he hadn’t fought for her. But the more she thought about what Jennifer had said right after Molly was born, the more she understood that she shouldn’t resent Charlie for lacking cojones when she had been just as much of a chicken. It was the twenty-first century, and there were no laws that said she couldn’t tell him first, couldn’t put her heart on the line and wait for him to hopefully meet her in the middle. They were both candy-asses, but the time had come for her to cowboy up, which seemed appropriate considering she was learning how to keep body and soul together in the wild, wild West.
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