After nearly five weeks of training, Grace was ready to meet her team. Under the supervision of a former heroin addict who had first come to No Boundaries as a troubled fourteen-year-old and was now a senior counselor, Grace would help lead four fifteen-year-olds on a two-week program designed to help rebuild broken spirits and shattered self-esteem.
“If you thought the last few weeks were hard, just wait,” said Truth. Not her real name, Truth had legally changed it to reflect her new philosophy of life after finding herself at No Boundaries more than a decade earlier.
“I think I’m ready,” Grace said, not at all certain she was or ever would be. Although she could start a fire with the tiniest piece of flint and had gotten her fear of heights under control, she wasn’t sure she had the emotional strength to help the kind of girls who came to No Boundaries — not just recovering drug addicts, but victims of abuse, runaways, and the occasional anorectic.
“Don’t worry about it. No one ever is. I’m still not. These kids are beyond messed up. I ought to know. I used to be one of them. Just remember, no matter how far gone a girl might seem, don’t you ever write her off as a lost cause.” Truth wasn’t usually so serious.
“I won’t give up,” Grace promised.
“I know this is hard for you, having never lived through any of the nightmare shit these girls have experienced, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get it. When you look them in the eyes, you’ll see what I mean.”
Several times, Grace had almost told Truth about Molly, but she always stopped herself. Maybe because compared to what Truth and these other girls had experienced, an unplanned pregnancy was like a broken fingernail. Even so, Grace knew it was silly to be so secretive, considering how open Truth was about her own history. More importantly, Grace knew that she needed to own her past if she was ever going to move beyond it, and owning it meant acknowledging it.
“The only thing you have to do is accept them for who they are, and then help them be the best people they can be going forward. That’s all we do here,” Truth said, putting her hands together in the Namaste pose and bowing slightly.
Grace wanted to cry, because that’s all she had ever wanted from her parents — to be accepted for who she truly was, not who they thought she was, not who they wanted her to be.
Truth looked at her watch. “It’s time to go meet our girls.” She jumped up and held out her hand to help Grace to her feet. A van pulled into base camp and the door opened, but none of the girls got out of their seats. “Sometimes they need a little coaxing. Remember, they’re not here by choice.”
Grace just nodded. It sounded like they were going to be carrying these girls up the mountain on their backs.
Truth climbed into the van. “Hey ladies, welcome to No Boundaries. My name is Truth, and we are going to do great things together. Please give me your phones as you get off the bus.”
No one said a word, but one after another, the girls trudged off the van and stood in a sulky line in front of Grace. Intimidated by their despair, which they each wore like a suit of armor, Grace didn’t know what to do next.
“Hi, I’m Grace. I’m your junior counselor,” she said, knowing she sounded like a waiter introducing herself as she handed out the menus: Hi, I’m Grace, and I’ll be your server this evening.
They spent an awkward hour getting to know each other, as much as anyone could get to know four girls who clearly wished they were anyplace else. The girls’ silence continued as Truth explained the rules at No Boundaries and went through their duffel bags, confiscating four Fentanyl patches, three joints, two cartons of cigarettes, and a pot pipe that looked like a miniature penis. It was like a druggie Twelve Days of Christmas.
“I get those back after, right?” asked Kat, who had the face of a ten-year-old but the gravelly voice of a veteran smoker.
“You do realize that you were sent here by drug court, and if you use drugs while you’re here, you’re going to go to jail?” Truth said.
“Whatever. I got that pipe in Tijuana. It’s a souvenir, and I’d like it back. Memories,” said Kat, staring at a tree behind Truth, not at all fazed by the threat of incarceration. “And the smokes, too.”
“We’ll see. Hopefully, by the time we’re through, you won’t want them back.”
“We’ll see,” said Kat, arching one eyebrow.
“Danni, where did you get the Fentanyl patches?”
“My grandma. She has bad arthritis.” Danni said, chomping on an enormous wad of pink gum and twirling a lock of hair around her finger.
“Don’t you think she’s probably missing them right about now?”
“She’s got plenty.” Danni spit out her gum onto the ground.
“Pick that up right now. This is God’s country, and we don’t litter.”
As Danni bent over she flipped the bird at Truth, ending in a salute as she stood upright. “Thank you. Beth, nice rolling job. Excellent technique, but really? You just got out of rehab two days ago,” Truth said, holding up one of the joints.
“I wasn’t planning on smoking them,” Beth said.
“What were you planning on doing with them?” Rubbing her forehead, which was already throbbing, Truth reminded herself that the first day was always the worst.
“I like to hold them. Like a lucky rabbit’s foot, you know?”
Truth shook her head and exhaled slowly. “No, I don’t. But you know what, the first rabbit we kill, the foot’s yours. How does that sound?”
“Can I have one?” Kat asked, sounding interested for the first time.
“Why not? Tara, thank you for not bringing any contraband. I really appreciate it,” Truth said.
“Yes, ma’am,” Tara whispered, staring down at her brand new boots.
Dressed for a vacation in Vail, in head-to-toe Patagonia and real Bavarian hiking boots with a thick braid hanging down her back, Tara looked like she was on break from some fancy East Coast boarding school, not carrying out some court-ordered punishment. The other girls were in skinny jeans, Converse sneakers, and about a gallon of black eyeliner. It was going to be a rough trip for Tara. She was clearly the weakest member of the herd.
“Kiss-ass,” Danni whispered, making smacking sounds.
“There will be none of that here,” Truth said sternly. “Respect.”
In spite of their lack of enthusiasm, all four girls were quick learners, and they seemed to enjoy Dirk’s silly name-calling. They took pride in their bruises and blisters, and they were all, including Tara, incredibly gutsy. No matter what Dirk asked them to do, none of them backed down. At the end of the first week, Kat Woman, Danni Darkness, the Bethinator, and Terrible Tara were ready to tackle the mountain. They sounded like a roller derby team.
“I’m proud of you, and you should be proud of yourselves for what you’ve accomplished so far,” Truth said, as the six of them sat around the campfire on their first night on the mountain. “Let’s each share what the hardest part of your first week was.”
Kat, Danni, and Beth all complained about the lack of coffee and cigarettes. Tara said she was afraid of heights. The other girls laughed, and Tara zipped her fleece pullover all the way up to her chin and pulled her hands inside her sleeves. She looked like a turtle withdrawing into her shell.
“Respect,” Truth whispered, glaring across the flames at the three rebels who had become fast friends, leaving the debutante on the outside looking in.
“I’m afraid of heights, too,” Grace said. “I think you’re very brave.”
“You too,” Tara whispered, her voice barely audible, as if she didn’t want anyone to hear what she was saying. Her uncertainty hung in the air around her like a dense fog.
“A few puffs of some good weed, and you’ll be ready to jump out of an airplane,” said Kat, miming taking a drag on a joint.
Truth reached over and gave her a gentle swat on the side of the head. “You think you’re so tough with your penis pipe? When I was your age, I ran away with my twenty-year-old boyfriend. W
e went on a week-long heroin binge that ended when I got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop. After I got out of rehab, my parents didn’t know what else to do with me, so they sent me here. I thought they were full of shit, this place was full of shit, the world was full of shit. But this shitty place saved my life, and it’s going to save yours, too. That’s the only speech I’m going to make, so I hope you were paying attention.”
Kat, Danni, and Beth clapped and whistled. “Awesome story. You rule.”
“Make fun. I get it. You’re too cool for this place. I only hope you figure it out before it’s too late.” Just as she’d been when she was their age, these girls, except for Tara, were all bluster and big hair. After a few days without hot water and mascara, they would start to lose their swagger. Adolescent ego was no match for a big mountain.
After everyone was asleep, Grace sat alone in front of the dying fire, thinking about Charlie. As much as she tried to put him out of her mind, she wondered what he was doing, whether he had gone to the senior prom, where he was going to college, and most of all, if he would still want to be her other best friend when she got back.
“Hi.” Tara had appeared out of nowhere. Grace hadn’t even seen the tent flap open.
“Can’t sleep?”
“I can’t turn off my brain. When I close my eyes, I see every stupid thing I’ve ever done,” Tara said, grinding her fists into her eyes.
“I know how that is.” Grace’s nighttime brain was like an autobiographical movie theater showing nightly documentaries of all the low points in her life. Even after an exhausting day on the trail, the movies played on.
“Did Truth tell you why I’m here?”
“No, she never said a word.” The other three girls were here at the behest of the court system, but Tara had probably never even jaywalked. “I figured you were like the others, some post-rehab program.” She hadn’t believed that for a second, but since Grace had her own secrets, she wasn’t going to pry.
“I asked her not to say anything, but now I want to tell you. My parents sent me here. A couple of weeks ago, I got accused of cheating at my boarding school. I didn’t do it, but this girl lied about it, and the headmaster believed her instead of me.”
“Why would she lie?”
Tara fiddled with her braid and stared at the glowing embers. “A boy she liked asked me to a school dance last month. I tried to explain, but nobody cared about the truth. The other girl, Brooke, comes from a really wealthy family that donates a ton of money to my school, so of course they believed her story.”
“Didn’t your parents stand up for you?” Although Grace’s parents had not stood up for her, she was still surprised when it happened to someone else.
“No, they didn’t even ask me what really happened. All they cared about was how bad it looked. I was so upset when I got sent home that I did something stupid — I ran away.” Grace was all too familiar with parents who thought more about how things looked than how they really were. “Half my family went to that school. My parents said that I’d humiliated them and that I needed to see how good I had it before, so here I am. I think it was more because they were about to leave for Europe for three weeks, and they didn’t want to leave me home alone. My brothers are both away at college.”
Tara’s honesty made Grace want to divulge her own sad tale. “Do you want to know why I’m here?”
“Aren’t you doing this for college credit or something? That’s what the brochure says about junior counselors.” Truth still wore the scars of her old addiction, but Grace looked like the self-assured girl Tara wished she could be.
Grace shook her head. “I decided to come here because last year I got pregnant.”
Tara gasped but quickly recovered. “I’m sorry. You just don’t look like ….”
“My parents kicked me out of the house because I wouldn’t have an abortion.”
“That’s horrible.” Tara started to cry quietly. Getting sent to boot camp was bad enough, but being disowned — she couldn’t imagine it. “Where did you go? Where’s your baby?”
“It worked out,” Grace said, trying to sound upbeat. “I stayed with my wonderful neighbor, and my baby was adopted by a really nice couple.”
“But what about your parents?”
Grace said, “I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to work things out, but I’m not going to let that pain make me stupid, which, as you found out, only makes everything worse.”
When she was standing in Penn Station in New York City, trying to decide whether to take the train to Washington or Chicago, Tara knew that running away was beyond brainless; it would only make her look like she really was a cheater. But she’d been so hurt and angry that she’d wanted to lash out at her parents. If they worried that she might be gone forever, maybe they would regret how unfair they’d been. “I kind of screwed it up with the running away, didn’t I?”
Grace nodded. “But you don’t have to do stuff like that anymore. You know better now. Like Truth says: respect … for others and for yourself.”
Reaching over and squeezing Grace’s hand, Tara said, “Thank you. I won’t tell anybody about your baby.”
“It’s okay. You can tell. It’s part of who I am. If I’m ashamed of it for the rest of my life, I’ll never get anywhere.”
“You shouldn’t be ashamed. You’re amazing,” Tara said.
“And so are you. We’re not afraid of heights anymore, and we’re not going to let anyone, including ourselves, tell us that we’re no good.” Grace wondered if junior counselors were supposed to be dispensing advice and giving pep talks.
“Thank you, Grace. I think I can go to sleep now.”
The two girls stood up and hugged each other tightly, both feeling a little lighter for having shared their secrets.
CHAPTER 25
The Truth squad had broken up and all the girls had gone home, hopefully in a better state than they had been in when they came. After the fireside chat, Tara found her voice, no longer letting the other girls walk all over her. She actually told Kat to fuck off when Kat made fun of the way she talked. And just as Truth had predicted, the other girls had their epiphanies, or at least pretended to. The mountain had worked its magic on the girls, and if they remembered half of what they learned at No Boundaries, they would be well on their way. Right before Kat stepped onto the van, Truth handed her the penis pipe, although she had filled the cavity with some kind of glue so Kat couldn’t smoke through it anymore. It was the perfect souvenir.
Now it was Grace’s turn. To complete the program, she was required to spend three days alone on the mountain, reflecting on all that she had gone through and demonstrating mastery of her survival skills. Looking down at her sinewy arms and legs — definitely no baby weight hanging around — Grace hardly recognized herself. She’d always been thin, but she’d never been strong. Her skin had turned bronze, not just from the sun, but also from a thin layer of grime that seemed to be embedded in the top layer. After more than seven weeks without a proper shower or a decent meal, Grace was nearly wiped out. It was time to go home. At night she dreamt about taking long, hot baths in Helen’s clawfoot tub and eating an entire chocolate cake.
As she waved goodbye to Truth, Dirk, and the others, Grace had to marvel at how far she’d come. Marching off into the wilderness alone, and her heart wasn’t even racing. In fact, she was looking forward to it, mostly because the sooner she finished her individual reflection time, the sooner she could take a shower and put on clean clothes. Her whole body itched, and she’d been wearing the same underwear for nearly a week. Grace took one last look at the No Boundaries crew, and set off on her three days of solitude.
That first night, sitting in front of the campfire she had built, next to the tent she had pitched herself, Grace gnawed on a piece of beef jerky and stared out into the darkness. She was supposed to catch and cook her dinner — jerky was only for emergencies — but even though she had seen half a dozen rabbits that afternoon, Grace had read too man
y Beatrix Potter books to make a meal out of Flopsy Bunny.
To her dismay, Grace discovered that time slowed down when you were all alone in the middle of nowhere. Three days threatened to feel like three weeks. The worst thing about reflection time was the silence. The crickets and the birds were plenty loud, but the absence of human sounds made Grace lonesome. So she sang. She sang all the Beatles songs she knew from the White Album and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. And she talked to herself. Long rambling conversations with the trees about the last eleven months — all her feelings about Nick and Charlie and her parents — and what she was going to do when she got home.
When Grace woke up the next morning, it had started to snow. She shivered and burrowed down inside her sleeping bag, thinking she should probably just stay there until it was time to go back. No one would know if she’d really climbed all the way to the top, and besides, no one was expecting a snowstorm in June, so she couldn’t be faulted for not sticking to the original plan. Grace zipped the bag over her head and went back to sleep.
Dreaming there were mountain lions howling outside her tent, licking their chops while they waited to devour her, Grace woke up in a cold sweat. But it was just the wind. Peeking out through the tent flap, Grace saw that there was nearly a foot of snow outside and it was still coming down. Not equipped for winter hiking, she tried to remember what she’d been taught about avoiding hypothermia and frostbite. She dug in her bag and put on every piece of clothing she had with her. There was nothing else to do but wait for it to stop snowing, so she could hike back down the mountain. But what if it didn’t stop? What if she froze to death in the middle of June halfway up a stupid mountain two thousand miles from home? After talking herself out of a full-on panic attack, Grace decided that it wasn’t so much the dying part that she feared, but the thought that she would leave so much unfinished business behind, so many things that she had wanted to tell people but had been too much of a coward to say. Taking a pad of paper and a pen from her backpack, Grace decided to finish her business.
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