Friends With The Monsters

by Albany Walker

  “No, but I’m guessing you both can.” He trades a glance between me and Grim.

  “I bet Gunnar can’t either.” I tap my fingers on the counter. “Why put someone in charge of the witches who wouldn’t be able to see something like that?” I ponder, not really expecting an answer.

  “Berserkers were created by shamans, or witches,” Calix explains. “They were short-sighted, as usual, when they created the beasts. When they cast the spell creating the warriors, they only gave them a single purpose, to defeat that current threat, which they did, but when there was no one left to fight, the warriors went mad.”

  I feel the portal pull open just as Grim heaves out a sigh. “I must go.”

  “Wait, when will you be back?” I hop off the counter. I don’t want him to go. Stupid, stupid, lonely heart. I should rip the damn thing out. I would probably make better decisions. Actually, I probably need to place a little more blame on my pussy, she seems to be getting me into a lot of trouble lately too.

  “As soon as I can. Stay away from the club while I’m gone,” he tells me, then to Calix, he says, “It’s not safe.” Just as Grim goes to take a step backwards, he adds, “Stay with her.”

  “No place else I’d rather be.” Calix gives Grim a mock salute.

  Grim’s black cloak swirls around him, he lifts his left hand and takes hold of the wicked scythe that appears at his side.

  As soon as he’s gone, I turn to Calix. “The robe and sickle are a smart play. He’s too damn pretty to be scary.”

  “Are you kidding me? Don’t ever tell him I said this, but he’s one scary motherfucker, with or without the robe.”

  “Really? I don’t see it.” I shake my head. “Want something to eat? Then we need to get back to the Berserkers.”

  “I’m always down to eat.” Calix lowers his head and leers at me. With that one look, I remember we have the whole place to ourselves.

  “Anything in particular you’re craving?” I lick my lips.

  Calix’s eyes roam over my body. “Crave is too small a word to describe what I’m thinking.”

  I take a step in his direction. All thoughts of the Berserker origins and how Gunnar came to watch over the witches flee from my mind. Right now, all I’m thinking about is how hungry Calix really is, and what that rough tongue of his will feel like between my legs.

  Calix takes the hint and meets me halfway across the kitchen floor. I’m already turned on. Just being around him and the others lights me up enough that I may have to start carrying extra panties, so I don’t go around in damp undies all the time.

  Calix’s hands are gentle but eager when he pulls me close. His lips land on mine quickly. I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be interrupted again. That’s okay, neither do I.

  I’m pawing at his shirt the moment our mouths fuse. I want my hands on his skin. Calix pulls away just long enough to tug his shirt over his head and drop it to the floor, then his hands are back in my hair, holding me while he kisses the hell out of me.

  Kissing has its place, but I’ve never been that into it. I’ve had a series of first kisses my entire life, and most of the time they’re awkward and stunted. It didn’t feel that way the first time I kissed Calix, and it sure doesn’t feel that way now. His hands slide down over my shoulders and skim over my body. I can feel the heat of his touch through my mesh shirt as if I were not wearing anything, but I still want more. I fumble with the hem of my top, dragging it up, but my long hair gets caught in the clingy fabric. Calix stills my frenzied hands and slowly removes the shirt, not yanking out my hair in the process.

  I wrap my arms around his neck and hop up, locking my ankles around his back. His hands go right under my ass and he holds me in his arms. “Table?” I question between kisses. I don’t really care where we go at this point as long as he gets inside me.

  “No, I want to be in your bed,” Calix purrs, rolling his hips, but I’m too high on his waist to get any real benefit from it. I feel his tongue lap from the top of my breast and up my neck. It sends another shiver of excitement through me.

  “Upstairs,” I tell him, while tilting my head back.

  “I know where your room is, Dami.” Calix spins and puts my back against the wall. He loosens his hold so I slide a little lower on his body. I let out a tiny moan of protest. These leather pants are cute and all, but way too thick. I can’t feel him against me the way I need to. After another round of kissing, I straighten my legs until my feet hit the floor. Calix leans down lower and follows my mouth as I do.

  I reach for him, tugging the button on his jeans and pulling the zipper down at the same time. “Are you sure you’re ready?” he whispers between drugging kisses.

  His words give me pause. I pull back. “For sex? I’ve been ready for days.” But it seems like he means more.

  “This isn’t just sex, Damiana. I won’t give you up if I have you.” His voice is pitched low, and he delivers the words like a warning. I get a twisting feeling in my stomach, one I don’t know how to interpret. But is he really telling the truth? Guys say all kinds of shit when they want to get into your pants, I know this for a fact.

  “Will it change something between us?” I pull back from Calix a little more, so I can see his eyes. I may not be able to sense lies from him, but I’m well versed in reading lies from people as they fall from their lips. I can’t help but notice the way people act when they lie: a twitch, not meeting someone’s stare. I watch Gunnar for any of those clues now.

  He swallows. “Not like you’re thinking.” He brushes his hand over my hair. “But it will change something in me. You can’t give me that and then take it away.” He drops his forehead to mine and takes several long breaths.

  Grim pulled this shit on me too. “I’ve told you from the beginning, I’m not choosing just one of you. If you can’t handle that, then we shouldn’t do this.” I give his chest a slight push. I don’t want him to back away, but I won’t lie to him either.

  Why would I choose one of them? How do they even know we’re fated or whatever the fuck they called it? It sure didn’t make them stick around when I was younger, why would it now? My mother and father didn’t stay around long enough to even raise me; what would make me think these three would be any different?

  I admit I do feel a pull to them—more than I’ve felt toward anyone else—but I’ve never really given anyone else a chance to get close to me, either. I’ve always been too worried about losing the only real family I’ve ever had, the ones who have actually stayed by my side.

  “You don’t have to choose just me. I’m just asking you to choose me too, Damiana.” Calix shuffles his feet back a few inches to give me the perception that he’s giving me some room, but it’s not much.

  “Why can’t we just be…” I wave my hands around, looking for the right words, but I come up empty. “Why do we need to define any of this, can’t we just—”

  “Fuck?” Calix’s nostrils flare as he barks out the word. “I already told you, it could never be just sex, not between us.”

  “You say that shit now, but I’ve heard all the same lies from a hundred different men. I’m just not stupid enough to fall for the bullshit.” I cross my arms over my chest. “Every time I witness a woman falling for that garbage, I pity her. Do you want to know why?”

  “I don’t really care, because I’m not lying to get into your pants. If I wanted to just fuck you, I could bend you over the fucking chair.” Calix’s eyes do that glowing thing as he throws his arm behind his back, motioning to the living room.

  I ignore his heated words. “I pity them because I know they don’t believe the lies, but they tell themselves that they do, and that’s the biggest lie.”

  Calix grabs a hold of my upper arms. “Are you even listening to me? I’m not asking you to choose one of us; they’re idiots to even think you could. I just want you to know it will change something between us.” Calix releases my arms and takes a few steps backwards. “But I don’t think you’re ready for t
hat.” He examines me for a brief moment before turning his back on me and walking away.

  I get that ugly twisting feeling in my belly again. Only now, I think I know what it is—it’s fear. I hate that watching him walk away from me instills that panic in me. I ball up my fists, determined to keep myself from reaching out to him.

  Chapter 18

  After giving myself a few minutes to calm down, I head up to my bedroom. I need time to decompress. Calix may not realize it, but something inside of me has already changed. Watching him walk away from me was fucking hard. I haven’t felt the need to beg someone to stay in so very long. How could I give them that power over me?

  My mind conjures up the last time I saw my parents. I was nine, and even though I knew my mother hated me, I begged her not to leave me when she dropped me off at boarding school. It was right after I accidently killed my teacher. I think she somehow knew I did it, or she suspected, at the very least.

  She and my father never once promised to return for me. At least they did me the favor of not lying. They didn’t even show up for my graduation. I had a meeting with their lawyer a few days prior, explaining how my trust worked. He made it perfectly clear I wasn’t to contact them. Not that I ever would have anyway.

  I dig my fingernails into my thighs to bring myself out of those thoughts. Thank goodness for the leather pants, or my nails probably would have cut the hell out of my legs.

  “What a crock of shit,” I spit. I’m angry at myself for even letting the thought of them sticking around soften me. I’ve been telling myself this entire time not to get attached, but look what I’ve fucking gone and done, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. Now I’m sitting here, wondering if Gunnar is alright, where Grim has taken off to, and I can’t even think about Calix right now. I know he’s still here—my senses are even more aware of him after our make out session.

  I need to get them to leave me alone before I do something really dumb and desperate, such as let them know how much power they have over me. I’m not able to control myself around them. Whether it’s the bond or just my own idiocy, I can’t really say, but I do know they’re dangerous.

  With jerky movements, I unlace my pants and roll them over my hips before kicking them off into the corner, my bra gets removed right after. I need a shower and a lobotomy—at the very least, I need to build my walls back up. I had no idea they had already begun to crumble.

  I’m scrubbing my scalp, probably a little too hard, when I sense Grim’s portal opening. He’s not in the bathroom with me, but he’s damn close. A wave of sins wafts through the air, but it’s not even the least bit tempting. My stomach actually rebels at the thought of consuming anything.

  I quickly finish up my shower, I need to have a very important conversation about boundaries while I still have some resolve.

  I’m not trying to be quiet when I walk downstairs, but I think Gunnar and Calix are too deep in conversation to notice me, or should I say arguing too damn much to hear me.

  “You think I’m going to accept your word? You’re an animal, for Christ sake,” Gunnar spits.

  “I don’t care what you think about me,” Calix growls. “I’m telling you she’s cut herself off from any emotion, and if we push her too hard, too fast, we’ll lose her. Not one of us, all of us.” I want to argue that I haven’t, but I keep my mouth shut.

  “And how did you come to this conclusion?” Grim inquires.

  “Go upstairs and hug her, not kiss her, not try to have sex, but connect with her. Try talking to her about a relationship.” I hold my breath at Calix’s words. There is no way that’s happening.

  “I don’t see what you’re getting at,” Gunnar declares. I can just imagine him standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and his face in a scowl, the scars making him look even more fierce.

  “Because you have the emotional maturity of a thirteen-year-old,” Calix snaps.

  I hear one heavy footfall. “Don’t move, Berserker,” Grim threatens, his tone icy. “Damiana said no more fighting, you will listen.” I hear some mumbled words, but Gunnar doesn’t argue.

  “Listen…” Calix forces some calmness into his voice. “She’s more than willing to take us to bed, but nothing else.”

  “Did you fuck her?” Gunnar’s voice is low and unruffled, but I sense a dark undertone.

  “I could have, but I wanted her to know I want more from her, and she…” Calix curses under his breath. “She looked fucking terrified.”

  Gunnar snorts. “That’s just her reaction to you, Nemean.”

  “You push her, you’ll lose her, and both of you need to get over this shit with her picking one of us. If you think she could do it, then you should just go find someone else to bond to. It’s not a fucking choice, you morons,” Calix argues.

  “I won’t do it. She can pick,” Gunnar states.

  I step out from behind the wall. Calix is the first to see me, his lips tightening into a thin line. “He’s right.” Gunnar spins around when I speak, I can’t believe I actually surprised him. “I don’t have any issue picking. I don’t want any of you.”

  I have no problem sensing the huge lie from my own lips. I wonder if it will leave a mark, and if it does, will Grim see it? I still have so many unanswered questions, but not one of them is worth having my black heart ripped out. I can’t believe the cursed thing is still in there beating, but this is proof it can still work. I need to protect what’s left of it before I really turn into a monster.

  Grim is still cloaked in his robe. He makes an imposing figure, but I’m still not afraid of him, only what he could do to me. Gunnar takes a step forward as if he may reach out to me, but I cut my eyes to him and dare him to try. Berserker or not, I’ll rip his fucking arm off and beat him with it if he tries to touch me. He takes a step back.

  I look at all three of them lined up before me. “I thought having you around might be fun, that I could learn some shit, but I’ve decided I don’t care enough to be bothered with you. That’s what you said, right, Calix? That I don’t have any emotions?” I tilt my head and examine him.

  Calix licks his lips and his eyes are a little wide. “I’m not going anywhere, Damiana. I’ve waited your entire life to be with you. You can be pissed at me all you want, but I’m still not leaving.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. I want to reach into his chest and grab a hold of his soul, pulling it until it’s barely tethered to his body before releasing it. That would scare the hell out of him, probably get him to leave me alone for good, but I can’t force myself to do it. What if I tugged too hard, did something wrong, and really hurt him? I could never live with myself, plus, deep down, I know I don’t want him to leave me. I want him to fight for me, even if he has to fight me.

  I wish I didn’t have any emotions, because then I wouldn’t be so worried about him—any of them—shredding what’s left of them when they leave me.

  Grim steps forward, his robes dissolving into smoke behind him. “I apologize, it seems we’re all a little…” He balls up his fists and squeezes. “More raw than we’re used to.”

  “I don’t even get why you’re here. What did you expect to happen? I’m really trying to wrap my head around this, but come on. None of it makes sense to me,” I confess, telling them the truth about the bonded situation.

  “Again, it seems we made a mistake.” Grim dips his chin.

  I knew they weren’t going to stick around. This bond bullshit is stupid, and I’m an idiot for halfway believing it. “I knew it.” I cross my arms over my chest to cover the ache from Grim’s words. “I’m not bonded to anyone.”

  “Oh, yes you are,” Gunnar interjects.

  “He just said you made a mistake,” I accuse, pointing at Grim.

  “Not about that.” Calix pinches the bridge of his nose. “Whatever you were going to say, Death, spit it out.”

  Grim sends Calix a glare, and his eyes even begin to glow a little with rivers of lava. I watch, fascinated. “I should have exp
lained the situation to you better. I would like to do that now, if you will permit it?”

  I turn just the slightest bit and study Grim. Of course, I want to hear what he has to say, but should I? Will it make it harder to send them away? Who am I kidding…I don’t want them to leave. Why am I so confused? “I doubt it will change anything.” I cross my arms over my chest defiantly.

  “We are all linked to you, not just because we are your guardians, I felt it the moment you were born, and it has only become stronger. It was only our selfishness that wanted you to choose, but deep down I’ve always known it would never happen.”

  Gunnar steps forward. “How?”

  Grim turns to face the man questioning him. While Grim is an inch or two taller, Gunnar has a good forty pounds on him. “How have you felt for the past thirty years?” Grim questions, and Gunnar’s brow furrows. “Like you were missing something?” Grim prompts.

  Gunnar shifts on his feet, not meeting Grim’s gaze. “You know what it’s been like,” he finally answers.

  “Yet you would want that for Damiana?” Grim continues.

  “What…no, she would have me,” Gunnar stumbles, having a hard time getting out the words.

  “But what about me and Death?” Calix inserts. “She would still yearn for us.”

  “How do you know?” Gunnar puffs out his chest. I’m watching all three of them with rapt attention.

  “Because that’s what I feel for her. Why would what she feels for us be any different?” Grim reasons plainly, as if Gunnar should understand this by now. Then he turns to face me. “Are you afraid of us?”

  I blow a raspberry with my lips. “Not like you’re thinking.” I regret the words the moment they come from my mouth, but I can’t take them back, so I try to backtrack. “I welcomed the monsters as my friends a long time ago. You guys just aren’t that scary.”

  “I won’t ask you to choose. I just ask that you give me a chance,” Grim implores. Isn’t that almost exactly what Calix said? I feel like I’m the butt of some joke I don’t understand the punchline to.