But only if she’ll let me in.
Chapter Five
Mel
I feel like shit. Not the sick kind, but the guilty, I probably shouldn’t have done that kind. Kicking Remy out and acting the way I did leaves a sour taste in my mouth, especially after how amazing he made me feel last night. I know I should be more grateful and maybe even give him a chance, or at least a date, but I don’t have it in me to do so. Not with everything else going on in my life.
Driving the short distance to Mercy Hospital, I pull into the cancer treatment side, putting my Honda Civic in park and killing the engine. Then, I look myself over in the rearview mirror. I can feel the tears piercing my eyes just thinking about going inside, but I know I have to.
I’ve had to be strong for so long, so damn long and soon I know I’ll break. All the things I carry on my shoulders will fall on top of me, burying me beneath them. But, for right now I have to keep pushing forward. I have to.
My sister’s life depends on it.
Shoving the thoughts of Remy and I, and the night before, out of my head I try to prepare myself to go inside. I can’t be thinking about him when I’m here to try and make my sister feel well enough to get through another treatment. They say being happy helps, so that’s what I need to focus on. Madison needs me to keep her spirits up so she can get through this again.
I wipe any stray tears from under my eyes before forcing myself to exit the car. Walking up the sidewalk and into the hospital feels like I’m going to meet my doom. I want to curse the damn place for how much it cost us to send Maddie here, but there isn’t any point.
It’s one of the best hospitals in Chicago for leukemia and if we want her to have a fighting chance at beating this again, she needs the best.
Walking into the treatment center entrance, I’m greeted by mainly the same people I see every single time I come in. Veronica manages the front desk, and usually gets me invoices that are way past due and need paid.
From there I make my way upstairs, taking the elevator to the third floor where I buzz to be let in. The walls are painted bright colors and covered with animals. I know I should be grateful since most of the kids in this building never see beyond the four walls that house them, but some days it’s hard to see the good in this battle.
Sandy, one of Maddie’s nurses buzzes me in. There’s a somber look on her face and I start to panic. “What happened?” I’m trying to hide the worry from my voice.
She shakes her head and gives me a soft smile. “Oh nothing, sweetheart. It’s just another one of those days where she’s fighting us on every single thing we do.”
I nod, swallowing down the fear creeping up my throat. “Okay. I was afraid the doctor did the testing he was talking about last week and discovered that the chemo wasn’t helping.” Most days when I come here, I can get through the entire visit without a single tear, but today, well it seems like it’s going to be one of the more emotional ones.
“Nope. Dr. Harvey said to give it a couple more days and then he’ll run some lab work. According to the previous testing it looks like she has a chance at beating cancer’s ass again. When the results come in, I’ll have him call you and your mother.”
“Thanks Sandy.” She wraps me up in a tight hug before releasing me so she can get back to her work and so I can get to visiting with my sister.
Walking down the hall, I don’t stop until I reach Maddie’s room. I knock on the heavy wooden door, and wait for her to announce that I can come in.
“I don’t want anymore…” I open the door slightly, and pop my head inside, smiling as big as I can when I see her. She looks sicker than she did when she was first diagnosed. Her eyes are dull, lacking the light that once shined brightly in them. Her skin is pale, her cheeks slightly green, and her hair is no longer shiny. I hate seeing her this way.
“Hey sis,” she greets me, a slow, guilty smile creeping onto her face. She knows I’m going to scold her for being so hard on the nurses when all they want to do is help her.
“Hey girly. Sandy told me you’re having a rough day. Want to talk about it?” I ask, walking into the room, and closing the door behind me. The room smells like a typical hospital room, sterile, clean and disinfectant.
One would think I’d be used to this by now, but I’m not. I don’t ever want to be.
“Do you want the honest answer or the sugar-coated answer?” She answers, her eyes on the small TV that hangs on the wall across from her bed.
“Honest of course.” I plop down in the chair beside her bed and wait for her to start talking. I know this is hard for her...harder than the average fifteen-year-olds life should be.
She rests her hands on her lap. “Well, if the treatments don’t work this time, and the cancer comes back I’ve decided I don’t want to do this again.”
I blink, confusion, sadness, shock, and a number of other emotions swirl around inside me. If she doesn’t do the treatment, then she doesn’t have a shot in hell of making it.
“You have leukemia, Madison. You can’t just say you don’t want to do treatments anymore. We have to fight until it’s in remission again.” The thought of her not being here anymore makes my heart feel like it’s sinking into my stomach.
If I could take her pain away I would. If I could make her cancer free I would. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I’m watching my best friend die right before my eyes and there isn’t a single thing I can do about it.
“I’m tired, sis,” she sighs, sagging back against her pillow.
Trying to blink away the tears forming in my eyes, I attempt to reassure her. “I know you are, but you’ve got to keep trying. We can do this. You can do this.” Thinking about her no longer being on this earth has me feeling like I’m breaking into a million fucking pieces inside.
“But what about all the bills? I heard mom on the phone with the billing department a couple days ago. It’s costing you guys way more than it’s worth for me to be here, and I don’t even feel like I’m getting better.” Desperation and complete and utter sadness lace her words.
“Don’t worry about the bills,” I stress. “Mom and I have them covered. Plus, you aren’t even old enough to start paying bills. You need to just relax and enjoy your time as a teenager, because paying bills is the worst.” I’m trying to make it a joke as I soothe her, relaxing back into the chair when I see the creases smooth out on her forehead.
We sit in the quiet for a few moments before Maddie clears her throat, and asks, “Do you think Dad is ever going to come back?”
Biting the inside of my cheek until the taste of blood flicks against my tongue, I don’t say the words that are desperate to come out. The last thing she needs to worry about is our father, the man who is supposed to be caring for all of us, and if he is going to leave the woman he’s hooked up with to come see his dying daughter.
“I don’t know, Mad. I really don’t know. Mom says to give him time, but I don’t think time is what he needs.” I don’t tell her I think what he needs is a swift kick in the balls, because it wouldn’t fix the already stressful issue. If anyone’s proven to me that nothing lasts forever, it’s my father.
Maddie sounds so sad. “I miss him a lot, Mel. I know what he did is wrong, but I still kinda wish he were here.”
Of course, she does. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I wish he was too. I wish he was here to be the man I always thought he was… until he ran out on all of us like we didn’t matter. “Everything is going to be okay. I promise you that. It won’t be long till you’re out of here. Then we can go dress shopping for prom, and to the movies.”
Maddie smiles and it makes me feel a little better. “I hope you’re right. I keep hoping I can beat this again, but I’m almost out of hope.”
“That’s okay…” I place my hand against hers. Her skin is cold, and I wish I could wrap her up in a thousand blankets. “I have enough hope for both of us. We will make it through this, with or without dad.
I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”
She gives my hand a gentle squeeze her green eyes sparkling with happiness. “I know, you’ve never let me down. Not ever.” Seconds tick by, and Sandy comes in with a smile on her face to check Maddie’s vitals. While she does them it leaves me to think about Remy, and how we can never be anything more than fuck buddies, which makes me feel less nauseous about the way I treated him this morning.
I’ve got too much on my shoulders.
Maddie needs me. My mom needs me.
I have medical bills to pay, and no time for anything but those that are important. I’ve been hurt by men before, and I believed my father would be the man my mother would live happily ever after with.
He proved me wrong... he proved my mother wrong.
I can’t fall for anyone else, especially Remy.
He’ll break me more than I already am.
Chapter Six
Remy
Ryker slams his car door shut as mine is pulling up behind him. When he sees me, he stops, waiting for me to reach him. He looks as pissed off as I feel, and I can’t keep myself from exploding on him when I shut my own door.
“What the hell, Ryker?” I ask, walking up the sidewalk to stand beside him. “Why is Reed demanding I come over and bring this stupid letter with me?”
He only shrugs. “He says it’s important. Have you read yours?”
Shaking my head, I scoff. “Fuck no. What’s the point? I’m sure it’s just some ‘I’m proud of you boys’ bullshit he couldn’t tell us when he was alive. I’m past the point of needing dear old Dad’s approval.” The words are a complete lie, but sound pretty convincing to my ears. If that’s all the letters were, Reed wouldn’t be so adamant about us reading them.
Ryker flinches, but before he can say anything else, the front door opens to reveal Reed standing with his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face. “Are you guys coming in, or should we do this outside?” His words are sarcastic, and I can feel Ryker stiffen beside me.
We turn to look at each other, rolling our eyes before we follow him inside. He doesn’t say anything else, and when we walk into the living room there are three fresh cups of coffee sitting on the small table in front of the couch. Fallon’s also set out a platter of sandwiches, and my stomach growls at the sight.
I wait for Ryker to sit, then take half of one sandwich, shoving it in my mouth so I don’t have to say anything before taking my own seat. Where Ryker, is tense and sitting on the very edge of the cushion, I relax back into the comfortable fabric, spreading my legs out and pretending I give zero fucks about these stupid ass letters. Unlike Ryker, I’m not about to wear my heart on my sleeve and let my brothers know I’m just as freaked out about what the letters might say as they are.
Reed points to both letters, saying “Read them. Now,” and with a quiet sigh, I break the seal on mine. I’m trying to focus on the heavy paper in my hands, paper that feels a hundred times more weighty than it did when I first picked it up to bring it here, but my eyes bounce back and forth between my tense-as-fuck brothers. Reed looks like he’s waiting for all hell to break loose, while Ryker looks like he’s about to be sick. I guess there’s never been a better time than now to start reading.
Forcing myself to unfold the paper, I begin to read.
Remy,
This letter to you is probably the hardest to write. I told your brothers’ in their letters, but I need to tell you the same. I’m sorry. So, unbelievably sorry. You lost your mother, and when she died, for all intents and purposes, you lost me too.
I never planned to live this life without her. I never planned for you boys to lose her… you were so young when she passed, you had less years with her than Reed and Ryker did, and for that I’m sorry. I’ve said that so many times, and I’m sure by now the words don’t mean much to you three. It doesn’t make it any less true.
Knowing I’m leaving this world with so many regrets is hard, almost impossible, but I don’t have a choice. All I can do is hope what I’m about to tell you will help in some small way.
You and your brothers, along with your mom, were the best thing to ever happen to me. I took that for granted in so many ways, ways you never knew about, but when I found out she was pregnant with you I vowed to do better. I swore I would make up for all the ways I mistreated her and took her love for granted.
This was something I hoped you boys would never know, but to explain what I have to tell you, it’s important you know. As much as I loved your mom, as much as she was the only person I wanted, our relationship was far from perfect. Especially when Reed and Ryker were young, months before you came along and completed our family.
My stomach drops as I read his final words to me. I can already see where this is going, and even though I want to stop reading, to ball the letter up and throw it away, I can’t. He wanted me to know this, and even though I know what he’s about to confess will likely make me hate him a little, I have to get through it. I have to get to the end so I can understand why he’s telling us this horrible truth.
I’ve been trying to find the words to tell you three this for months now, but it never comes out right. If I’m honest, I take the coward’s way out each time and change the subject. Now, my time is growing short and I can’t keep it a secret any longer.
Your mother and I, we had problems. Reed and Ryker were small, and I neglected them. I neglected my family in favor of building this business, trying to take it in a new direction, to make it more profitable than it was when your grandfather was running it. Of course, your mom wouldn’t let that stand. She was fierce and determined to make me do right by my family or get out. My arrogance wouldn’t let me admit my faults, and she finally had no choice but to show me the door.
I was angry. So angry, so full of stupid, stubborn pride. In my head, I thought she was saying I was a failure, that I was fucking up both being a father and a husband, and I was determined to show her she needed me way more than I needed her.
Instead of doing the right thing, of apologizing and begging her forgiveness, I let my anger and ultimately my feelings of inadequacy lead me into having an affair. It didn’t last long, less than a week in truth, but even an hour would have been a betrayal. I never told your mom. Thankfully, she never knew just how low I had sunk during that period in our lives, and the guilt I felt over it all let me set aside my pride and beg her to forgive me. Obviously, she did, and things between us got better. They were so good, better than they were before, and before I knew it, she was pregnant with you and glowing with happiness.
I’ve always wondered if your mom getting sick was God’s version of karma on me. Maybe he took her away from me because I lied? I wasn’t faithful to the vows I gave her, and I never told her what happened. You boys didn’t deserve to lose your mom, and once she was gone, the guilt became more than I could live with. That’s why I started spending all my time at work again. I couldn’t look the three of you in the face for a long time.
You’re probably wondering why I’m doing all this rambling, why I’m destroying the happy family you thought you had all this time.
About a month ago, the woman I had the affair with made an appointment under a different name and came to see me. I recognized her immediately, and even more importantly, I recognized the extreme amount of guilt in her eyes because I’d been living with it for years.
You see son, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets. She kept a pretty damn big one from me too. It turns out, that week we had together, well, it left her with a baby to raise. One she never told me about.
Sure, she had excuses. She told me how she came to tell me but couldn’t after seeing me with you boys and happy. Then, telling me the second time she got up the nerve, your mother was with me. She was too afraid.
Karma got me again, because now I know I have a daughter, but I’m not going to be around to get to know her.
I should. I know that. I should meet her and spend whatever time with her I can, but how do
I enter her life when I know I’ll be leaving it so soon? It’s better for her if I stay away. I’m sure she hates me for abandoning her, even if I wasn’t aware that she existed.
This, this is where you and your brothers come in, Remy. Marie Duchesne, that’s her name, she’s your sister. You deserve to know her, to have her in your life, and she deserves to have the family she never knew she had.
I wish I was strong enough to tell you this while I’m still here, but I can’t stomach the thought of seeing you look at me with disgust in your eyes. You and your brothers are already so disappointed in me. I don’t want your last memories of me to be ruined. I hope you can forgive me someday.
Love,
Dad
When I’m finished reading, I stare down at his messy signature, completely blindsided. I was pretty sure the cheating thing was coming, but the sister? That was totally unexpected. I have a sister. We have a sister. And… she’s older than me. Even having a sister I didn’t know about, I’m still the youngest.
Clearing my throat, I look at both Reed and Ryker, trying to keep the tears I can feel filling my eyes from falling. “We have a sister?” My voice breaks when I say the word, and I swallow hard, trying in vain to force the lump in my throat down.
Reed’s eyes are glassy too, and he has to clear his throat before he can answer. “We do.”
All I can do is stare up at him. I don’t understand any of this. How could this happen? Yeah, I know how, but finding all this out now, I just can’t comprehend it.
My oldest brother looks like he’s aged a decade when he sits on the edge of the coffee table in front of us, meeting first Ryker’s eyes, then mine. “This is something we need to handle. The girl--”
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