Love Defies Us

by Stoneback, J. M.

  Love works against us. Killing our hearts, burning it piece by piece.

  Love Defies Us.

  My heart burns because she was always someone I thought of.

  Love kills everything that it touches.

  Love Defies Us.

  I sing along and bob my head to the lyrics. He entwines his fingers with mine and I feel an electricity between us, so I remove my hand and place it in my lap.

  There’s something more between us. More than sex. It’s penetrating, powerful, profound. I’ve never experienced this feeling with anyone in my life. And I’m afraid of this chemistry I have with him. I’m afraid to fall in love with him. Throughout my life, I watched my mom’s failed attempts to love my dad, and he was always cold to her. I don’t want my love for anyone to be a one-way street. Men are looked at as providers and nothing else. But, if I ever choose to be in a relationship, I want it to be based on love. Not status. Not power. Not accomplishments. Not trophies. But euphoric love.

  Felix gets on the highway and we pass tall green leafy trees, and the white clouds cover the moon and dampen the stars. I’ve been all over the world from China to Africa, but nothing beats how green and pretty Georgia is. We have never-ending trees.

  “This place better be worth it since you’re dragging me to it in the middle of the night,” I tease, and I catch the glint of his nose ring in the night. He’s beautiful as a Greek statue.

  “It’s worth it, trust me. My mom used to take me here when I was little.”

  I can’t help but ask about his parents. “Were your parents in love?”

  He takes his eyes off the road and glances at me. His muddy eyes drop down to my lips then to my eyes before answering. “They were.”

  He’s so lucky to come from a loving family. He’s so lucky to experience unconditional love. And I’m a bit jealous of him.

  We’re quiet for another twenty minutes and arrive at Stone Mountain Park. I stare at him as if he grew three heads.

  “Hiking? You’re taking me hiking?”

  “Yep, get to walking, Thumbelina.” He cuts the engine and we get out of the truck.

  “I’m not an outdoor person and there are bugs out here. What if there are wolves roaming the woods?” I’m dead-ass serious. “I’m not trying to be anything’s snacks.”

  “You’re my snack.” He winks. “My belly is fully.”

  I punch him in the arm. “I’m serious, Felix. If I get eaten by a wild animal and I die, I’m going to come back as a ghost and haunt you to death.”

  He chuckles as he takes bug repellent and drenches my arms and legs in it. My skin feels sticky and stinks of a weird chemical and rubbing alcohol.

  Crickets sing and the stars swim in the inky sky. Trees’ leaves sway back and forth. It feels as if we’re in a globe that decorates the mantelpiece on the fireplace.

  “I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. There are no wolves out here. Maybe coyotes, but they won’t bother you.”

  I grab his hand, squeeze tightly, and he squeezes back. That touch makes me melt. I’ll never get used to him touching me, no matter how many times he fucks my brains out. There is a closed sign with a chain blocking the entrance of the hiking trail.

  “Breaking and entering?” I cock my eyebrow.

  “Is my precious Thumbelina too goody-two-shoes to break the law?” he mocks. He called me his without involving sex. And my heart is having a blown-out party in my chest and my pulse jumps like a madman.

  “I’ve broken the law before.” I clear my throat. “I used to drive without a license up until I was twenty. I started breaking the law when I was fifteen,” I say, and his smile brightens up the dark sky and he laughs. The kind of laugh that says, “I like the way you think.”

  “When I need a Bonnie to go with my Clyde, I know who to call.” Then he slaps my ass and I yelp.

  We hike and hike and hike, and my heart squeezes in anticipation as we make it to the top of a cliff.

  The view is breathtaking, the city lights brightening up the sky like lightning bugs. The air is clean, clear, crisp, and sweet as honey. Something about being away from the city makes the air smell fresh.

  “Wow,” I say, and Felix grabs my hand and rubs his thumb on my knuckles and goosebumps arise all over my body.

  “My mom used to take me here a lot. I remember when the band got booed off the stage for the first time, she brought me here and told me that the world is mine and to never give up on my dreams.” He exhales and we both sit down on the hard ground. “I haven’t been up here since her passing. A few days before she died, she asked me to do this with her again. To bring her up here, so I did. My mom knew that she was going to die sooner than we thought. Because she kept saying her soul was weary.” His words are packed with so much emotion.

  Grief. Sadness. Pain.

  And his whole body tenses and his sharp jaw tics. I relax my shoulders a bit and chew on the inside of my cheek.

  I don’t know how to response to this type of situation. So, I listen to the crickets and the horns honk, and the traffic and cars zipping through the streets.

  “You and your mom were close,” I state.

  “She was my best friend.”

  “And what about your dad?”

  “We’re close, but not like me and my mom. I guess because he was always working, and my mom stayed at home.”

  “Oh. You came from a lovely family. You’re lucky, Felix.”

  He stretches his legs in front of him. He looks like a bad boy as the wind blows his hair.

  “How did you get involved with music?”

  “My mom wanted me to play an instrument in high school and I chose drums. When I met Easton, he wanted to form a band and decided it was a way to get him and his sister out of their hell hole, and Azrael was already playing the guitar. I’ve been in love with music since I was fifteen. She was my first love.”

  I don’t want to put a damper on our mood but I want to ask him about Mae. “You met Mae in high school?”

  His demeanor changes from sad to angry. “Yeah. We were high school sweethearts, but she didn’t go to my high school, she went to another one. Her family was dirt poor.”

  “I have to go pick up my dress tomorrow for the wedding, and it’s rose color so if you want to wear a matching tie, you can.”

  “Rose color?”

  “I’ll send you a pic of it.”

  “OK.”

  “Were you going to show my diary to my father?”

  He shakes his head. “I would find another way to fuck you.”

  I don’t know what to say to that, but even if he didn’t blackmail me, I would have eventually given in to his advances.

  “I wish I got tired of you.” His tone is filled with disdain. “You’re like blood in my veins, and you can’t live without blood. But I can’t keep you, Sadie. Sometimes I wish I’d never met you. You make me have thoughts of being with you. You make me feel things that I should have felt with Mae. You make me have a burning need to keep you.”

  I should pump the brakes in this relationship. My starved heart wants his attention. My neglectful heart wants his love. My treacherous heart is selfish and it’s a leech feeding off his presence.

  He just admitted to me that he wants me but doesn’t want to want me.

  What sense does it make for me to want to stick around? Little to none.

  “You’re a god, Felix. A broken god. There is no amount of glue that can fix what Mae did to your heart.”

  He nods slightly. “What happens when a mortal asks a god to reveal their true selves to them?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t know.”

  “The moral gets burned alive.” His tone is shaped than jagged glass.

  “I’ll burn you, Sadie.” His words crush my chest like two heavy boulders.

  But this is not a myth, this is real life. He’s a rock god and I’m a mortal, and gods burn mortals with their bright lights. Gods and mortals don’t fall in love. And if they did fall in love,
it would end in tragedy.

  Sadie

  I zip up my Louis Vuitton bag and roll it to the door. I made sure I packed enough clothes and shoes to last me a lifetime on this trip to Key West. I haven’t been to Florida since I was eight years old for a family reunion on my dad’s side.

  Nervousness bubbles in my chest, I’m not ready for this trip. I’ve never been on a trip with a guy. Even though this not a real vacation, it feels like one. Felix and I are there to show Mae that he doesn’t care that she’s marrying his uncle and that he moved on with his life.

  The doorbell rings and I rush to the front door and open it. My mother stands there wearing a floppy white hat with a matching tight dress hugging her small frame. Her charcoal hair cascades down her shoulders. I see why men are so intrigued with her beauty. Even at fifty-three, she’s drop-dead gorgeous. She works out every other day and she takes Botox injections in her face to look younger.

  “Are you going to just stand there? Invite me in.” Her tone sounds high and overzealous. She’s never so eager to see me unless someone died, or she wants to deliver some news from her gossipy friends. In case you haven’t gotten the memo, my mother doesn’t play nice with others.

  I step to the side and she waltzes inside, removing her hat and hanging it on the rack next to the door.

  “Hello, Mother. What can I do for you?” I try to keep the irritation out of my voice. But right now, I don’t want to deal with her melodrama.

  “Be a dear and get me a glass of sweet tea with a lemon in it.”

  My shoulders stiffen. Here we go with this shit.

  Where the hell does she thinks she is? A five-star restaurant? Bitch, please.

  “We don’t have tea, we have bottled water and orange juice.”

  “I’ll have a bottle of water.”

  I go to the kitchen and grab the water from the fridge and head to the living room.

  She sits on the couch and picks up a fashion magazine, and I set the bottle on the table in front of her.

  Shock is an understatement as far as seeing my mother. We don’t have a relationship where she comes over to my place unannounced.

  My mother has only been to my place maybe one or two times. So why is she here? Is it because I lashed out at her at dinner? If she expects me to apologize, I won’t. Is it because I’ve been avoiding my dad’s messages? I didn’t attend the board meeting this past Monday. Normally, I’d bring everyone donuts and put in my two cents on what we should do to improve the company. It doesn’t matter anyways. It’s not like my father needs me.

  Felix was right about my father, and I need to stop expecting shit from him. He made up his mind about me, and he doesn’t want to do anything with me. I’ll just have to suck things up and accept what is.

  She sets the magazine down and picks up the bottle, unscrews the top, and sips slowly of the cool beverage. “This water tastes like shit.”

  Then she pushes the bottle to the side and eyes my living room as if it’s the worst thing she’s ever seen. “Your decor is so out of date, and the couch was out two season ag-”

  “Why are you here?”

  She stands up from the couch. “Where are you off to?”

  “Vacationing in Key West with a friend.”

  She knits her eyebrows together. “With Jasper?”

  “No. Someone else.”

  I don’t tell my mother my personal business because she’s always trying to tell me how to live my life.

  She was never fond of Jasper because of his lifestyle, but who cares what she thinks? She’s not a saint in the moral department. Homophobia is beneath me, and I don’t believe in judging someone because of who they decide to sleep with.

  “Is it a guy? Are you going to finally take my advice and find a wealthy man? There are a few gentlemen at the country club who are ready to marry. Larry has been asking about you.” There is a tint of hope in her voice and it only makes my irritation grow even more. Larry was my prom date and I didn’t want him, he’s too serious and annoying.

  “I have a flight to catch. So I’m on a time limit.” I deliberately stand by the door so she’ll know that I’m serious. So she can hurry up and get out of here.

  “You stormed out of dinner so fast that I didn’t get to deliver my news.” Annoyance eats up her face and she taps her foot with her hands on her hips. “We should have brunch after you come back from Florida.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I snap. She eyes me up and down and her mouth twitches.

  “When did you turn into a disobedient brat?”

  “When I realized you’re a shitty mother.” I exhale loudly. “No disrespect, Mom, but you’re a shitty person. You treat everyone like shit. Who broke your heart? Who turned you into this cold hard person? Why is it so hard for you to love people?”

  Shock encircles her eyes. Her shock wraps around me like a blanket. She opens her mouth then closes it, then opens it again.

  “You’re just like your meme, living in this fantasy world where love exists, believing that love conquers all. It doesn’t. Love doesn’t pay the bills. Love doesn’t put food in your belly. Love doesn’t keep the lights on. My parents loved each other and look what happened to them. They died broke because they didn’t marry well.” She steps closer and her eyes grow angry with a mixture of rage. She looks like Cruella de Vil when she was driving that car. “Do you know how it feels to go without food? Or having the water cut off for weeks? Mom and Dad worked so hard to take care of Uncle James, Auntie Lauren and me. You’re such an ungrateful bitch.”

  I feel bad for my mom; she’s so bitter and angry at my grandparents because they were poor.

  She’s in my face. She’s only a few inches taller than me so looks me straight in the eye.

  “I tried to break you from that thinking. You marry for wealth. You marry so your future children will be taken care of, not for some fantasy that love prevails all.”

  Bile tickles the back of my throat and nausea dances in the pit of my stomach.

  I’m so sick of her trying to control every fucking thing I do. She acts like I’m a robot and that I’m not entitled to my own emotions. No wonder Dad treats her like shit.

  “I never said love prevails all, I said I’m not marrying someone for what’s in their bank account. And you know what? It’s an honor to be like Grandma Ruth because at least she died happy and knew she was loved unconditionally. I feel so bad for yo--”

  Her palm smacks me in the face so that my eyes sting with tears. She looks at me as if I’m trash. For the first time since my grandparents died, I want to bawl my eyes out and slap her the fuck back. This relationship is too one-sided.

  Too toxic.

  Too tarnished.

  Instead of crying, I hold my head up high as if I’m the Queen of England. She doesn’t deserve my tears and she’ll never see me cry.

  “Now, you will stop this foolishness.”

  “Get out, please.” My voice is low and my pulse thumps loud and my heart hammers in my chest, my knees are shaky like leaves. This the first time my mother ever put her hands on me.

  “We’re going to act like nothing happened,” she says calmly and straightens her spine. “What day are we having brunch?”

  She loves to sweep shit under the rug.

  “Just leave before I call the cops on you!” I’m not going to contact Trish for a while. This is a deal breaker for me. She thinks that she can order me around and she’s wrong. I’m no longer going to allow her to bully me.

  During the flight, I’m sandwiched between a man with patchy skin whose breath smells like hot dog water and a woman that looks older than bread. No one said riding first-class was perfect. As the woman goes on and on about her grandson, I tune her out as I think about Trish putting her hands on me. My cheek is red and puffy, and it stings every time I touch it.

  I would tell my dad, because even though he still favors my brother, he does seem to kind of care about me. Otherwise, he wouldn’t stand up to her when it comes
to me. But I don’t want to speak to him either. I’m still pissed at him for giving my brother the position.

  After my flight lands, Felix texts me the address to the hotel we’re staying in. Florida is hotter than Georgia but less humid. Florida is like the beautiful sister that everyone wants to be like. She has nicer weather, nicer food, nicer scenery. Nicer everything. But the people here don’t have the Southern charm. They aren’t polite.

  As soon as I get into my hotel, I receive a text from him to head down to Southernmost Bar. The hotel is nicer than I expected. It’s not a five-star one, but I didn’t expect it to be because Felix is conscious of how much he spends. He doesn’t go wild with his money. But me, I spend money as if it’s free. The hotel room is decked out in grey and white. A mini-fridge and a microwave sit close to the door. A king-sized bed is centered in the middle like it’s on stage.

  I change from my silk blouse to a black bikini with the Tom Ford logo and flip flops then I take a taxi to the bar.

  The bar is packed with a bunch of people, and I spot him at the bar looking like a villain ready to take over the world. He’s more beautiful than anything and anyone I’ve seen in my life. He has on ugly Hawaiian blue swim trunks and he looks broody and pissed off. Maybe he ran into Mae and got pissed off. Well, I’m about to find out. I maneuver through the sea of bodies.

  He slings his arm around my shoulder, engulfing me in a hug with a glass of brown liquor in his hand. We still haven’t reached the point where we kiss each other on the lips, so I lean in and kiss him on the cheek.

  “Hi,” I say. After that little incident with my mom, I just want to be wrapped in his arms. He examines the right side of my cheek and strokes it, and I hiss a little. His eyebrows shoot up like a rocket.

  “Thumbelina, what happened to your face?”

  “Nothing,” I say quickly.

  “The fact that you said that too fast makes me want to know even more. Did someone hit you?”