Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  MY CAR’S BETTER THAN YOURS

  It’s hard to comprehend the hold automobiles had on the public imagination at the turn of the 20th century. A similar frenzy of technological one-upmanship occurred during the race to the moon in the 1960s, as industrial nations competed fiercely to be considered the most modern and up-to-date technologically. When it came to cars, there had a been a few rally-style road races before 1908—most notably a Peking-to-Paris auto race in 1907, but nothing on a truly global scale. So the New York Times and the French newspaper Le Matin combined to organize a bigger, better competition designed to be the ultimate test of man and machine. Starting in New York City, the racers would cross the continental United States and the Alaskan territory, take a ferry across the Bering Strait, then drive from Vladivostok across Siberia to Paris—a trek of 22,000 miles.

  Few paved roads existed anywhere at that time, and much of the planned route crossed vast roadless areas. And with few gas stations in existence, just completing the course would require every ounce of stamina and ingenuity on the part of the car and the driver, but the winner would own indisputable bragging rights to the claim of Best Car in the World.

  GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES

  To the cheers of a crowd of 250,000 people, six cars representing four nations pulled out of New York’s Times Square on February 12, 1908, to begin the great adventure. France had three cars: a De Dion-Bouton, a Motobloc, and a Sizaire-Naudin. Germany was represented by a Protos, and Italy by a Zust. All but the American entry—a stock off-the-line Thomas Flyer driven by George Schuster—were custom built for the competition. (The Thomas was a last-minute entry because the sponsors couldn’t bear the thought of a race of this magnitude not having an American representative.) All but the 1-cylinder Sizaire-Naudin had 4-cylinder engines ranging from 30–60 horsepower; the fastest, the Protos, could get up to 70 mph. The cars were heavy, boxy things, with open cockpits and no windshields (glass was considered too dangerous). Each team consisted of a principal driver, a relief driv-er /mechanic, and an assistant, usually a reporter who would travel with the team and send stories from the road via telegraph.

  THEY’RE OFF!

  Immediately upon leaving Manhattan, the cars drove into a fierce snowstorm that claimed the Sizaire-Naudin as the race’s first victim. The 15-horsepower French two-seater broke down in Peek-skill, New York, and was forced to quit. It had gone a mere 44 miles. Snow dogged the remaining cars all the way to Chicago, slowing their progress to a snail’s pace. It took the Thomas Flyer eight hours to travel four miles in Indiana, and then only with horses breaking the trail in front of the car.

  After Chicago, the cars headed across the Great Plains in subzero temperatures. To keep warm, the French Motobloc team rerouted heat from the engine into the cab (an innovation that found its way into future cars) but to no avail: The Motobloc had to quit the race in Iowa. Meanwhile, the winter weather had turned the plains to mud, which stuck to the chassis of the cars, adding hundreds of pounds of weight to each vehicle. Teams took to stopping at fire stations in every town they passed for a highpressure rinse.

  Unable to find usable roads across Nebraska, the drivers took to “riding the rails,” straddling railroad tracks and bouncing along, tie to tie, for hundreds of miles. (Blowouts were frequent.) A Union Pacific conductor rode along with the American team to alert them to oncoming trains. In especially bad weather, one team member would straddle the radiator with a lantern and peer ahead of the car.

  When there were no train tracks, the cars used ruts left by covered wagons years before. They navigated by the stars, sextants, compasses, and local guides, when they could hire them. And if they had to stop for more than a few hours, the radiators had to be completely drained—antifreeze hadn’t been invented yet.

  TAKING THE LEAD

  After 41 days, 8 hours, and 15 minutes, the Thomas Flyer was the first entrant to reach San Francisco, becoming the first car ever to cross the United States in winter. The American team promptly boarded a steamer to Valdez, Alaska, the starting spot for the overland trip to the Bering Sea, and brought a crate of homing pigeons with them to send reports back to the States. Race organizers had hoped the ice across the Bering Strait would provide a bridge for the cars. But the Alaska leg had to be scrapped because the weather and driving conditions were even worse than they’d been in the United States. (The pigeon plan didn’t work so well, either. The first bird sent aloft from Valdez was attacked and eaten by seagulls.)

  The U.S. team was given a 15-day bonus for their Alaskan misadventure and told to return to San Francisco to join the other racers on the S.S. Shawmutt, bound for Yokohama, Japan. At the same time, the German team was penalized 15 days for putting their car on a train from Ogden, Utah, to San Francisco. Both decisions would bear heavily on the race’s end.

  Would rain or snow or roving bandits stop these

  racers from their course? To find out how

  the story ended, turn to page 269.

  THE BEIJING TEA SCAM (AND OTHER CONS)

  We like to think that most people are decent. But not everybody is—some

  people make a living by scamming any victim they can find, and someday,

  it could be you. So here are a few of the oldest tricks in the con

  artist’s book…just in case someone tries one on you.

  THE CON: The Antique Toy

  HOW IT WORKS: The first con man, or “grifter,” buys a worthless old toy from a secondhand store. He goes into a bar, sets it down, and buys a drink. He then pretends to take an important call on his cell phone and steps outside, leaving the toy on the bar. After a few moments, the grifter’s accomplice enters. He excitedly notices the antique toy, and asks where it came from, because “it’s a rare antique worth a fortune.” The accomplice tells the bartender that he’s going to get some money—because he’ll pay the owner of the toy $500 for it. The first con man then returns to the bar. If all goes according to plan, the bartender gets greedy and offers to buy the toy off the first con man for a modest fee, thinking he can turn around and sell it to the accomplice for $500. The grifter accepts; the accomplice never returns.

  THE CON: The Human ATM

  HOW IT WORKS: The grifter places an “out of order” sign on the screen of an ATM. Then, wearing a security-guard uniform, he stands next to it, straight as a rod and looking ahead. Whenever anyone comes by to make a cash deposit, he tells them that he works for the bank and is taking deposits by hand. He writes out a receipt and takes their cash, but also asks for their account number and PIN to secure the transaction. It’s amazing that anyone would fall for this, but there are frequent reports of it happening.

  THE CON: The Melon Drop

  HOW IT WORKS: While carrying a sealed package full of broken glass, the con artist bumps into an innocent person and drops the package. When it hits the ground, it sounds like a precious glass object inside just broke into a thousand pieces (even though it was already broken). The con man angrily blames the clumsy bystander and demands money to replace the expensive item he’s just broken. This ploy gets its name from a scam perpetrated on Japanese tourists. In Japan, watermelons are expensive, but in the United States they’re cheap. So the scammer buys a watermelon at a grocery store, then deliberately bumps into a Japanese tourist, drops the watermelon, and demands a large amount of cash to replace it.

  The Con: The Barred Winner

  How It Works: A con man approaches the “mark” outside a casino, holding what he says is a bag of gambling chips worth several thousand dollars. The problem, he says, is that he was accused of cheating and thrown out of the casino without getting a chance to cash in his chips. He asks the victim to redeem them in the casino, promising a portion of the proceeds. When the mark agrees, the con man acts suspicious, afraid the mark will just walk away with all his money. (Oh, the irony!) The con man asks for collateral—his wallet or a piece of jewelry. The victim goes inside to cash in the chips, only to discover the the chips are fake and that the co
n artist has absconded with the collateral.

  The Con: The Fake Mugger

  How It Works: Two con artists spot an easy victim for a purse-snatching. The first one steals the purse and takes off running. The second one shouts, “Stop, thief!” and chases the mugger down the street as the mark looks on. The second con man wrestles the purse away, but in the melee, the “thief” escapes. The purse is returned to the mark, who gratefully gives the brave con man a cash reward. The two con men then split the haul.

  The Con: The Beijing Tea Scam

  How It Works: This tourist scam originated in China. Two young women approach, chat up, and befriend a traveler. After hitting it off with their new friend, the women will suggest that their new friend accompany them to a traditional Chinese tea ceremony. The tourist thinks this is a great idea (an authentic cultural experience) and agrees. The three people then go to a small teahouse. They are never shown a menu—if asked, the two con women say that that is just how it’s done. Then the tea is brewed, poured, and slowly consumed. At the conclusion, the tourist is given a bill for $100. The women hand over their money, and the tourist reluctantly does the same. The girls part ways with the tourist…then return to the teahouse, where they get their cut of the $100.

  The Con: The Landlord Scam

  How It Works: The con man takes a short-term sublet of an apartment, and then takes out a classified ad offering the apartment for rent at an amazing below-market rate. Potential tenants come to view the apartment, and since it’s a great place for a great price, they are ready to sign a lease on the spot. The con man takes their deposit and first month’s rent. And then he does this with another tenant, and another, and another. The con man tells each victim that they can move in on the first day of the following month. When all of the scammed tenants arrive at the same time with their furniture, ready to move in, the con man is long gone with their money.

  The Con: The Street Mechanic

  How It Works: At a stoplight or stop sign, the con artist flags down an expensive car. There’s something wrong with the car, he tells the driver. There isn’t, of course, but the con man says the problem is one that’s difficult to see, like a “slightly crooked bumper,” for example. He tells the victim that this kind of repair is usually very expensive, but he can fix it in just minutes—he’s a mechanic—and the only payment he asks for is a ride to work. The con man “fixes” the bumper, and the victim drives him to work. While riding along, the con man “calls his boss” and a staged emotional conversation follows in which the con man is “fired” for being late again. The victim, feeling grateful (and guilty) that the man stopped to help him, offers up a hefty reward of thanks.

  IRONIC, ISN’T IT?

  There’s nothing like a good dose of irony to put the problems of day-to-day life into proper perspective.

  HE WROTE THE BOOK. In 2009 Bernard Madoff was found guilty of fraud after bilking investors out of billions of dollars. One victim was University of Colorado professor Stephen Greenspan—he lost $250,000 to Madoff. The scandal broke in early 2009, around the same time as the publication of Greenspan’s new book: The Annals of Gullibility: Why We Get Duped and How to Avoid It.

  HOW’S THE WEATHER? England’s most powerful supercomputer—capable of 1,000 billion calculations per second—was designed to predict climate change. After it was installed in 2009, however, critics noted that the massive, hangar-sized machine requires 1.2 megawatts of energy to operate. Using that much power produces 12,000 tons of carbon dioxide per year, making it one of Great Britain’s single worst contributors to climate change.

  WHO ARE YOU? In 2009 a man named Kevin Mitnick was unable to access his Facebook account. Due to a temporary glitch, the social networking site didn’t accept his claims that he was who he said he was. Ironically, Mitnick had previously spent time in jail for impersonating other people in order to access their computers. “I used to be very influential at proving I was someone else,” he said. “And now I can’t even prove I’m the real Kevin Mitnick.”

  RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES. In 2006 England’s Home Office was embarrassed when five workers—hired to clean their immigration department offices in London—were arrested for being illegal immigrants.

  WHO WASN’T WHERE? Cate Blanchett was not there for the 2008 Golden Globe Awards due to the Hollywood writers’ strike (actors boycotted the event). Had Blanchett been there, she could have picked up her award for Best Supporting Actress for her role in the film I’m Not There. “I wish circumstance would allow me to be there,” said Blanchett in a statement.

  DINGLES AND BEEF

  Every profession has its own slang. Here are some everyday terms used by movie crews.

  Walk a banana: Instruction to an actor to walk in a curvy pattern away from the camera for no other reason than to avoid blocking something that needs to be seen.

  Barney: A cloth used to keep a camera warm in cold weather. It gets its name from Barney Google, a 1920s comic strip that featured a horse that always wore a thick blanket.

  Buff and puff: Hair and makeup.

  Futz: To degrade recorded dialogue so it sounds worse. Example: The sound would be “futzed” (distortion or static is added) if a character is speaking through a telephone or appearing on a TV set.

  Bubbles: Lights.

  Make the day: Successfully complete all scenes scheduled to shoot for that day.

  Noncombatants: Anyone on set not involved in the shooting of a particular shot, such as extra crewmembers or actors not in that scene.

  Gone with the Wind in the morning, Dukes of Hazzard after lunch: The production spent too much time getting everything right before lunch and doesn’t have much to show for it, so they’re going to have to speed through the rest of the day’s scheduled scenes.

  Beef: Lighting strength. “More beef” means that more-intense lighting is required.

  C47: A wooden clothespin, a low-tech solution for a number of problems on a film set. Legend says that a studio accountant didn’t want to have to justify a production’s large order of clothespins, so he called them C47s to make them sound like sophisticated moviemaking equipment.

  Shoe leather: Scenes or shots with no dialogue that exist only to move characters from one location to the next, such as walking to a taxi or boarding an airplane.

  Fishpole: Boom microphone—the one on the long stick they keep just out of frame.

  Dingle: A branch set in front of a light to cast creepy shadows.

  McGarrett: A 50mm film lens. The name comes from the character played by Jack Lord on the TV series Hawaii Five-0.

  Manmaker: Any prop, usually a wooden box, that an actor stands on to seem taller.

  Balloon tires: Circles under an actor’s eyes.

  Century lights: Spotlights, so named because they were once made by the Century Lighting Company (which no longer exists).

  Emily: A technical term for a floodlight is a “single broad.” Legend has it that a lighting technician knew an unmarried woman named Emily.

  Flamethrower: A cameraman who uses too much light—so much that the shot is saturated or impossible to see on film.

  Honeywagon: The portable toilet truck.

  Groveler: A soft pad for the camera operator to kneel on when a shot requires the camera to be very close to the ground.

  Inky: A low-wattage (100- or 200-kilowatt) light. It’s short for “incandescent.”

  Sheet metal: A prop car

  Obie: A small light mounted on the camera, just above the lens, to shine directly onto an actor’s face, invented by cameraman Lucien Ballard to show off the eyes of actress Merle Oberon (Ballard’s wife).

  Powder man: An explosives expert.

  Mickey Rooney: Instruction to a cameraman to move the camera a few feet, but very slowly—in other words, a short creep.

  Rhubarb: It adds realism to a scene when extras walk by having conversations. Since they don’t have microphones, it doesn’t matter what they say, so the actors usually say the word “rhubarb” repeatedly
.

  Snowshoes: When a clumsy person bumps into a light and knocks it out of position, or trips over a cord and unplugs something, they are sarcastically asked to “take off their snowshoes.”

  Martini: The last shot of the day.

  UP IN A DOWN ECONOMY

  Here are a few examples of what economists call “countercyclical assets” —products or industries that thrive while the rest of the economy tanks.

  COMIC BOOKS. Sales of vintage comic books from the 1950s and ’60s were brisk in 2009, but not for their nostalgic value—they’re an investment. Activity on the Silver Age Comic Book Pricing Index was up 14 percent. During the same period, Standard and Poor’s 500 stock index was down 11 percent.