Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader
Page 20
THE AFTERMATH
After a long investigation the body of the woman in the fire was officially declared to be that of Belle Gunness, and was buried as such. Ray Lamphere was tried for arson and murder—but because of all the lingering questions surrounding the case, he was convicted only of arson. He received a 20-year prison sentence and died less than a year later of tuberculosis. While in prison he reportedly confessed to a prison minister that he had helped Gunness bury some of her victims—and that the woman in the basement was not her. Gunness had hired a woman from Chicago as a housekeeper just days before the fire, he said, and drugged her, killed her, decapitated her, dressed her in Belle’s clothes, and put her in the basement. He helped Gunness start the fire, he said, and was then supposed to escape with her, but she double-crossed him and left on her own. However, none of his story could be substantiated.
People reported seeing Belle Gunness at dozens of locations across the U.S. over the following decades. None of those sightings were ever confirmed. Then, in 1931, a woman named Esther Carlson was arrested for the poisoning murder of her husband in Los Angeles…and she reportedly looked a lot like Belle Gunness. Carlson died awaiting trial, but some La Porte residents made the trip to the Los Angeles morgue and viewed the body. They said that they believed it was Gunness.
UPDATE
In 2008 Andrea Simmons, an attorney and graduate student at the University of Indianapolis in Indiana, led a team of forensic biologists to the graveyard where Belle Gunness was buried. With permission from Gunness’s descendants, they dug up the grave with the intent of extracting DNA from the corpse and comparing it to the DNA of living relatives. Results were hoped for by April 28, 2008, the 100th anniversary of the fire at the Gunness farm, but they were, unfortunately, inconclusive. Attempts are ongoing, and someday, possibly soon, the mystery of Belle Gunness, one of the most diabolical serial killers in history, might finally be solved.
TWO ILLEGAL WORD ORIGINS
• In 1849 a man named William Thompson would walk up to strangers in New York City and, after making friends with them, ask, “Have you confidence in me to trust me with your watch until tomorrow?” If they said yes, Thompson would gratefully borrow the watch…and then keep it. When he was caught, the prosecutors referred to him as a “confidence man.” That didn’t fit on headlines, so newspapers shortened it to “con man.”
• Another trickster in 1840s New York was Alec Hoag. He used prostitutes to lure men into hotel rooms. When the men’s clothes were on the floor, Hoag lifted money from the pockets via a hole in the wall. He was known for his ability to stay one step ahead of the police…and brag about it all over the city. The nickname the cops gave to Hoag survives as a slang term used to describe an intelligent, cocky person: “smart alec.”
HOW TO DO THINGS
Because there are certain things everyone should know how to do.
HOW TO PICK A GOOD COMPUTER PASSWORD
1) Don’t use any part of your name, your spouse’s name, your parents’ names, your children’s names, or your pets’ names. Don’t use any part of your phone number, Social Security number, birthdate, driver’s license number, address, or a pattern (like “12456”). Don’t use any of them reversed or doubled, either. Don’t use anything that would be easy to guess by someone watching you type. Never write it down or share it with anyone.
2) Use upper- and lower-case letters, plus numbers and symbols (if the site allows symbols). Use a mnemonic device, with abbreviations that include multiple words. Example: Uj$t#1w0rx (“Uncle John says this one works.”)
3) Change it every three months.
HOW TO JUMP-START A CAR
1) Make sure the engines of both cars are turned off. As an extra precaution, engage the emergency brakes too.
2) Open the hoods of both cars and remove the plastic protective caps on the battery connections.
3) After you’ve untangled the jumper cables from your trunk, clamp the red cable onto the positive (+) connection of the dead battery.
4) Clamp the other end of the red cable to the positive (+) connection of the working car.
5) Clamp the black cable to the negative (–) connection on the working car.
6) Do not attach the other black end to the dead battery. Instead, “ground” it by clamping it to the metal frame of the car.
7) Start the engine of the working car and gently rev the engine.
8) After about 30 seconds, turn the key on the dead car.
9) Once both cars are running, remove the cables in reverse order: the grounded black clamp first, then the other black clamp, the red on the car that provided the jump, and the last red clamp.
HOW TO BOIL AN EGG
1) Place an egg in a pot.
2) Run cold water into the pot, enough to cover the eggs.
3) Bring the water to a boil on the stove.
4) Once it reaches boiling, turn the burner down so that the water is simmering.
5) For soft-boiled eggs, remove them after they’ve simmered for three minutes. For hard-boiled, remove after 10 minutes.
HOW TO WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE
1) It doesn’t have to be long—that’s why you use a small card. Always handwrite it.
2) Start with a direct “Thank you.”
3) Add a few sentences that put acceptance of the gift on a personal level to show that you really like it: why you like the gift, what it means to you, and what you plan to do with it.
4) Finish this section by tying the gift—and your relationship with the person—into a larger context, like a stated goal. For example, “I hope our families can spend more time together.”
5) Reiterate your thanks.
6) End with “Love” or “Sincerely” and your name.
HOW TO TELL IF A STEAK IS COOKED
1) Touch the meat with your fingertip.
2) Compare it to the meatiest part of your hand, on your palm right under the thumb. If the meat feels like that, it’s rare.
3) Touch your index finger to the thumb of the same hand, forming an “O.” Press the meaty part of your palm right under the thumb again. If the steak feels like this, it’s medium-rare.
4) Touch your middle finger to the thumb of the same hand, again forming an “O,” and touch that same place under your thumb. If your steak feels like that, it’s medium.
5) Touch your ring finger to your thumb, and poke the meaty part of your palm again. That’s medium-well.
6) Touch your pinky to your thumb. If the steak feels like that, it’s well-done.
ANTARCTIC JARGON
Living as a research scientist at the McMurdo Station in Antarctica must be a unique experience. And it has its own lingo.
Boomerang: An outgoing airplane flight that has to return immediately after takeoff due to bad weather.
CHC: Pronounced “Cheech,” it stands for Christchurch, New Zealand, the closest major city to Antarctica.
Green Brain: A small green notebook issued to all researchers.
Ivan: Short for “ice van,” it’s the large, iceworthy bus that transfers researchers from one building to another.
Apples: Warming huts—red, fiberglass, domed igloos.
Polie: Research workers (as in “South Polies”).
Oden: Named after the powerful Norse god Odin, it’s a huge icebreaking vessel used on the water channels where the supply ships enter.
Gerbil Gym: The workout room, which consists almost entirely of treadmills.
Freshies: The weekly food delivery from New Zealand.
Southern: There are two bars for the scientists off duty. The Southern (short for Southern Exposure) allows smoking; the other bar, Gallagher’s, doesn’t.
FNG: Pronounced “fingee,” it means a new person on the Station. (NG stands for “new guy.” You’ll have to guess what the F stands for.)
WinFly: The day-long switchover from the winter crew (Feb.–Oct.) to the summer crew (Oct.–Feb.). It’s short for “winter fly-in.”
Yak Tracks:
Traction-providing grips that go on the bottom of boots.
Big Red and Bunny Boots: The two main pieces of standard issue ECW, or “extreme cold weather” gear. Big Red is a big puffy coat; Bunny Boots are white rubber boots.
Uppercase: The three-story dormitory researchers live in.
The Ice: Antarctica itself.
Frosty Boy: Soft-serve ice cream, which is surprisingly popular in Antarctica.
INDIANA BASKETBALL: THE “MILAN MIRACLE”
Hoosiers is one of the most popular sports movies ever made.
Here’s the true story that inspired the movie—and an even better
story about how one team changed the game of basketball.
THE CHURCH OF BASKETBALL
Indiana’s love of basketball goes all the way back to 1893, when the state hosted the first game ever played outside of Massachusetts, where it was founded. By the 1950s, the game was so integral to Indiana’s culture, wrote sportswriter David Halber-stam, that “there was church and there was basketball.” Every town with a high school had a basketball team, even towns too small to put together a football or baseball team. And on Friday nights, gyms across the state were filled with hundreds—even thousands—of fans.
For all of those young teams, the holy grail was winning the Indiana High School State Basketball Championship. And amazingly enough, every team had that chance. In most states, high school sports are divided into three or four classes, based on the school’s size and location. But Indiana had one big winner-take-all tournament, where small schools played large schools, inner-city schools played rural schools, and, by the 1950s, all-white schools played all-black schools.
THE MIRACLE
One result of Indiana’s state tournament program was the 1954 “Milan Miracle,” when a tiny rural school won the state championship, an event immortalized in the 1986 movie Hoosiers. In the film, all-white “Hickory High” won the State Championship by defeating an all-black inner-city team that was dominated by one super-talented player. But that isn’t exactly how it happened. In real life, small-town Milan (pronounced “MY-lin”) High School beat Muncie Central, an integrated team with three black players. The super-talented black player that the character in Hoosiers was modeled on—future NBA Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson— didn’t play for Muncie; he played for Crispus Attucks High School in Indianapolis, which didn’t make it to the finals. And that year Robertson was only starting out as a player.
But the David-and-Goliath aspect of the story is true. Robertson later described the players from Milan as “a bunch of farm boys who were unfamiliar with stoplights, let alone neon.” Milan High School had a total of 161 students; Muncie Central had 1,500. Even so, the Milan Indians were a seasoned, well-coached team that had made it all the way to the Finals the previous year. The 1954 squad was dominated by seniors, particularly their star guard, Bobby Plump. As small as the town of Milan was, Plump was from even smaller Pierceville (population: 45).
CAT AND MOUSE
The Indians were famous for a four-corners offense called the “cat and mouse.” “It was an extremely successful offensive weapon, a slow-down game,” said Plump. The guard—in this case, Bobby—would stand at the top of the “key” (at the foul line), while the other players went to four corners, forming a square. They’d then pass the ball back and forth at least four times until an opening in the defense showed and someone would take a jump shot.
But the “cat and mouse” didn’t really work against powerhouse Muncie Central in the championship game, and Plump had a bad night shooting. With Muncie ahead 28–26 in the fourth quarter, Plump held the ball on his hip…for four minutes. How is that possible? There was no 30-second shot clock in those days, so Plump could hold it as long as he wanted. After a couple of scores by both teams, they were tied 30–30 with less than a minute to go. Plump held the ball for another half a minute, and then with the clock running down, he sank a 15-foot jump shot to win the game, 32–30.
STAR QUALITY
By today’s standards, the Milan victory may not sound very exciting, but that night all 15,000 spectators at Butler Fieldhouse in Indianapolis were on their feet, and all of Indiana went crazy over the spectacular win. To this day, Bobby Plump is still one of the most famous basketball players in Indiana. (He owns a popular Indianapolis restaurant called Plump’s Last Shot.)
WAITING IN THE WINGS
Milan did play Oscar Robertson’s team that year, but not in the Finals. The two teams met in the Regional Finals, known as the “Semi-states.” Robertson was just a sophomore playing in the tournament for the first time. (Even so, he had 22 points in that game.) Bobby Plump was the dominant player, leading all scorers with 28 points, and Milan won 65–52. But the Milan coach, Marvin Wood, recognized that the grace and power of Oscar Robertson had only been held in check by the age and experience of his own squad. Bobby Plump agreed: “I’m glad we got him when he was a sophomore and not a senior.” Only a footnote in Milan’s David and Goliath story, Oscar Robertson’s team—the Crispus Attucks Tigers—would make their own history over the next two years.
For Part II of the story, turn to page 284.
11 ACTUAL EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK
• “My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.”
• “I had to go to bingo.”
• “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
• “My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.”
• “I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn’t find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.”
• “A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.”
• “I was attacked by a raccoon, so I had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn’t rabid.”
• “A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.”
• “My driveway washed away in the rain last night.”
• “I feel like I’m in everyone’s way if I show up on time.”
• “My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.”
THE KING OF AUCTIONS
A few months before his death in 2009, more than 2,000 items belonging
to Michael Jackson were put up for sale at a Los Angeles auction house to
help pay the financially troubled singer’s debts. But just before the items
could go on the block, Jackson sued to stop the auction. Here’s a
sampling of some of the bizarre stuff that was to be sold.
Item: A classical-style oil painting of Jackson dressed as a 16th century king, à la Henry VIII.
Auction estimate: $4,000 to $6,000
Item: An orange glove covered with hundreds of tiny, orange crystals. It’s similar to the rhinestone-covered white glove Jackson frequently wore in the mid-1980s, except that it’s orange and it’s covered with expensive Swarovski crystals instead of rhinestones. Auction estimate: $1,000 to $5,000
Item: An electric golf cart. Painted on the hood is an airbrushed image of Jackson as Peter Pan, surrounded by golden fairy dust and flying pirate ships.
Auction estimate: $4,000 to $6,000
Item: A silver robotic head—a prop from the 1988 film Moon-walker , in which Jackson transforms into a robot in order to defeat the villain. Each face part juts out at the push of a button. Auction estimate: $2,000 to $3,000
Item: A mural of Jackson wearing a sparkly white glove and sunglasses, surrounded by images of George Washington, the Mona Lisa, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, and E.T., all of whom are also wearing a single white glove and sunglasses.
Auction estimate: $1,000 to $2,000
Item: A framed letter from President Ronald Reagan to Jackson. It’s a “get well soon” letter dated February 1, 1984, sent after Jackson was injured when his hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. “I was pleased to learn that you were not seriously hurt in your recent accident. I know from experience that these things
can happen on the set.”
Auction estimate: $400 to $600
Item: An 8’-tall “welcome” sign from Jackson’s former home at Neverland Ranch. It depicts a Norman Rockwell-esque image of an African-American boy scout talking to a wood nymph, who is playing the flute in front of a full moon.
Auction estimate: $300 to $500
Item: A 5’-by-8’ black marble tablet etched with the original Jackson poem, “Children of the World.” An excerpt:Children of the world, we’ll do it
With song and dance and innocent bliss