Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  MONTREAL (1976). The main facility, Olympic Stadium, was a futuristic-looking building with a curved 556-foot tower that was meant to be a lasting symbol of the Games. And it is—it’s come to symbolize the financial disaster of the Montreal Olympics. The games were mostly paid for by the provincial government of Quebec, and at the time Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau assured residents that the revenues generated by the sports events would offset the expense of holding them. “The Montreal Olympics can no more have a deficit than a man can have a baby,” Drapeau boasted. When Montreal won the bid in 1970, organizers said the games would cost $310 million. But cost overruns and frequent labor strikes pushed up the final cost to just under $2 billion. Most of that money was connected to building Olympic Stadium, designed by French architect Roger Taillibert. Initially projected to cost $150 million, it had a final price of $800 million…and the tower and retractable roof weren’t even finished on time. (The roof wasn’t finished until 1987, more than a decade later.) Taillibert also designed the bicycling velodrome, which cost $59 million—five times the original estimate. After the Games, the velodrome was converted into a biosphere, and the Montreal Expos baseball team moved into Olympic Stadium. But in 1986, a mysterious explosion in the tower caused it to burst into flames (it was later repaired), and in the late 1980s, roof tiles began dropping onto the playing field. The province of Quebec did eventually pay off its Olympic debt through a tobacco tax. The last payment was made in October 2006—30 years after the closing ceremonies.

  LOS ANGELES (1984). The long-lasting effect of the Olympics on the infrastructure of the southern California megalopolis? Other than a welcome infusion of cash into the local economy, not much. Shortly after the financial disaster of the 1976 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee took bids from cities wishing to host the 1984 event, and Los Angeles was the only one seriously interested. The organizing committee had a plan to prevent another Montreal: Do it on the cheap, with very few new costs to the city or taxpayers. They’d accomplish that in two ways: 1) use pre-existing facilities, and 2) get corporate sponsors to foot the rest of the bill. Only two new venues were constructed: a velodrome, paid by (and named for) 7-Eleven, and an aquatic sports building, paid by (and named for) McDonald’s. Result: After the games, there were only two buildings to convert or worry about instead of two dozen. The Los Angeles games actually made $200 million, the most profitable Olympics ever.

  SEOUL (1988). Although the Olympics brought crushing debt to some countries, the attention given to South Korea in the years leading up to the 1988 Games brought the country democracy. In 1979, two weeks after South Korea bid for the 1988 games, dictator Park Chung-hee was assassinated by the pro-democracy leader of the country’s major intelligence agency. Pro-democracy demonstrations were on the rise around the country, but a new dictatorial regime took power anyway, a military government led by Major General Chun Doo-hawn. Chun declared martial law and used the military to violently snuff out the democratic rallies. In one such instance in the city of Kwangju, 191 people were killed and 850 were wounded. But despite objections from human rights groups, in 1982 Seoul was awarded the 1988 Summer Olympics… because no other city had put in a serious bid. The Chun regime prepared for the Olympics the way it dealt with political rallies: with brutal violence. Government security forces terrorized more than 750,000 Seoul residents—they raped women, beat up men, and burned down homes to get people to leave the areas to be razed for Olympic venues. And in June 1987, a Seoul University pro-democracy protester was arrested, tortured, and killed by Chun’s death squads. Then another student was killed by a police tear gas bomb at a protest. The two deaths led to a resurrection of widespread pro-democracy demonstrations, as well as the formation of a political group called the Resistance of June, whose goal was to remove Chun from power. And it was successful. On June 29, 1987, Chun changed the constitution to allow for direct presidential elections—in other words, democracy. He then stepped down. Today, Seoul is a high-tech, skyscraper-filled city and the centerpiece of South Korea, which is now one of the wealthiest and most politically stable countries on the planet.

  ODDLY NAMED RESTAURANT FOOD

  Quesadilla Explosion Salad (Chili’s)

  Chicken Parmesan Tanglers (Applebee’s)

  Chocolate Thunder From Down Under (Outback Steakhouse)

  Weight Management Chicken Salad

  (The Cheesecake Factory)

  Super Sizzlin’ Sausage Sunrise (Friendly’s)

  Feesh Neeblers (White Castle)

  Moons Over My Hammy (Denny’s)

  Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity (IHOP)

  FACTS THAT CUT THE...

  ...mustard. (What’d you think we were going to say?)

  • The recipe for yellow mustard: ground mustard seed, water, vinegar, and turmeric.

  • Yellow mustard gets its color from the spice turmeric, not from the mustard seed. This addition was the idea of food manufacturer George French in 1904 to market his (still best-selling) French’s Mustard.

  • Mustard seed was first cultivated in India in about 3000 B.C. Romans brought it west to Britain, where it was used as a pickling agent.

  • Ground mustard seed alone is not spicy. When it’s mixed with a liquid, such as the water or vinegar in yellow mustard, an enzyme is released that provides the tangy flavor.

  • The ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras believed mustard could cure a scorpion bite.

  • 700 million pounds of mustard are consumed worldwide annually, which is enough to top about 67 billion hot dogs.

  • 90% of the world’s mustard seed is grown in Canada.

  • Folk remedy: putting mustard flour (ground mustard seed) in your socks is said to prevent frostbite.

  • Pope John XXII, who was French, loved mustard so much that he created the office of grand moutardier du pape, or “mustard maker to the pope.”

  • The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum in Wisconsin houses the world’s largest mustard collection: 4,400 varieties.

  • “Mustard” comes from the Latin mustum ardens, for “burning wine.” The Romans used fermented grape juice—called must—as a liquid base, into which they mixed crushed mustard seeds.

  • There are hundreds of different kinds of prepared mustard (brown mustard, hot mustard, honey mustard, etc.), but Americans call the familiar yellow mustard “mustard.” The rest of the world calls yellow mustard “American mustard.”

  • What’s Dijon mustard? Regular, prepared mustard with a dash of white wine. (It originated in Dijon, France.)

  LIFE IMITATES ART

  Real-life events that are eerily similar to TV or film plots.

  ON THE SCREEN: It’s a famous TV moment: the 1973 episode of The Brady Bunch in which Peter throws a football and hits Marcia (Maureen McCormick) in the face, severely damaging her nose and ruining her school dance plans.

  IN REAL LIFE: On February 9, 1973, the night the episode aired, McCormick left the Burbank, California, studio where The Brady Bunch taped. On her way home, she got into a car accident; on impact, McCormick smashed her nose into the steering wheel.

  ON THE SCREEN: The last season of The West Wing (2005–06) followed a fictional presidential election. Despite predictions that the established candidate, Bob Russell (Gary Cole), would win the Democratic nomination, he’s edged out by upstart Mexican-American Matt Santos (Jimmy Smits). The Republican nominee is decided early: prickly Senator Arnold Vinick (Alan Alda) appeases his party by choosing the staunch conservative governor of a small state (West Virginia) as his running mate.

  IN REAL LIFE: In the 2008 presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton was assumed to be the Democratic nominee until African-American Barack Obama beat her in the final days of the primary. Republican John McCain, labeled a “maverick” for often breaking with his party, locked up the nomination early. His running mate: Sarah Palin, the conservative governor of a small state (Alaska).

  ON THE SCREEN: The scheme used by Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) in 1983’s Superman I
II to steal thousands of dollars in tiny increments was based on the real-life “salimi technique” of embezzling. In the 1999 comedy Office Space, the main characters attempt the same kind of scheme, even referencing Superman III. IN REAL LIFE: In 2007 Michael Largent, 22, created thousands of fake accounts with E-trade, which sends each new account a “micro amount” of a few cents. He’d made $50,000 before the FBI captured him, tipped off because he used cartoon names—including “Hank Hill,” created by Mike Judge, who wrote Office Space.

  RANDOM BITS ON ’80s HITS

  Pop songs are short, catchy, and memorable—just like these facts.

  • “9 to 5,” by Dolly Parton. The song is about working in an office…so the song’s rhythm was provided by typewriter noises. (Parton came up with the idea when she was tapping her acrylic fingernails on a table and thought it sounded like a typewriter.)

  • “Sailing,” by Christopher Cross. With this song, Cross became the only performer to ever win all four major Grammy awards: best new artist, album of the year, record of the year, and song of the year.

  • “Start Me Up,” by the Rolling Stones. When they initially recorded it as a reggae song in 1975, the Stones hated it. They decided to rework it as a straight-ahead rock song in 1981, and it became the band’s last smash hit, peaking at #2.

  • “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do),” by Hall and Oates. One of the first pop songs (and the first #1 pop hit) to use a drum machine. Michael Jackson later thanked Daryl Hall for allowing him to steal the song’s drum-and-bass hook for his hit “Billie Jean.”

  • “Eye of the Tiger,” by Survivor. It was used as the theme to Rocky III. Director/star Sylvester Stallone wanted to use Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” but couldn’t get the rights, so he commissioned Survivor to write this one.

  • “Holiday,” by Madonna. Her first hit single. It was originally written for ex-Supreme Mary Wilson, who turned it down.

  • “Beat It,” by Michael Jackson. Eddie Van Halen is widely credited with performing the guitar part. He just performs the solo; the rest was done by Steve Lukather of Toto.

  • “Stand Back,” by Stevie Nicks. Nicks wrote this song right after hearing Prince’s “Little Red Corvette.” When she told Prince about it, he agreed to play synthesizer on “Stand Back.”

  • “Born in the USA,” by Bruce Springsteen. It’s not a patriotic anthem—the ironic chorus follows verses about the poor treatment of Vietnam veterans. Nevertheless, President Ronald Reagan wanted to use it at rallies, and Chrysler offered Springsteen $12 million to use it in commercials. (Springsteen refused both.)

  • “Caribbean Queen,” by Billy Ocean. Different versions were recorded for release to different parts of the world, including “European Queen” and “African Queen.”

  • “Uptown Girl,” by Billy Joel. His girlfriend and future wife Christie Brinkley appeared in the video, but actually Joel wrote the song before they met. It was about how strange he felt going from a married nobody to a newly divorced pop star who could attract models, including 6’0” Elle MacPherson. (Joel is 5’5 ½”.)

  • “We Are the World,” by USA For Africa. Prince was scheduled to participate in the all-star charity record but didn’t show up. He later offered to add a guitar solo, but producer Quincy Jones turned him down. The lines Prince was supposed to sing solo were performed by Huey Lewis.

  • “Footloose,” by Kenny Loggins. Ironically, Loggins wrote this song about moving when he couldn’t—he was laid up in a hotel room recovering from broken ribs suffered in a fall from a stage.

  • “Summer of ’69,” by Bryan Adams. It’s about nostalgia; Adams himself was 10 years old in 1969.

  • “Rock Me Amadeus,” by Falco. The only German-language song to hit #1 in the United States (although the three-word chorus is in English).

  • “Faith,” by George Michael. The opening organ line is a version of “Freedom,” a 1984 hit by Michael’s group Wham!

  • “La Bamba,” by Los Lobos. This cover of the 1958 Ritchie Valens song (for the soundtrack of the 1987 Valens biographical movie La Bamba) was the first—and to date, only—song sung in Spanish to go to #1. (It’s also the only chart hit for Los Lobos.)

  • “Foolish Beat,” by Debbie Gibson. With this song, the 16-year-old Gibson became the youngest person to ever write, produce, and perform a #1 hit.

  EVERYDAY HEROES

  More proof that not all superheroes are in the comics.

  NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR…FIRE!

  In March 2009, Indianapolis postal carrier Jackie Jefferson was substituting on another carrier’s route. Having been on the job for only a few months, Jefferson approached a house and heard a fire alarm beeping from inside. Then she heard someone calling for help. “It was instinctive,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking. I puffed up my nerves and did it. I can’t believe it happened.” What did she do? Jefferson dropped her mailbag, ran in to the burning living room, found an 80-year-old woman sitting in a wheelchair, and pushed her outside. Seconds later, flames started billowing out the front door. The victim was treated at a hospital, and Jefferson went on to finish her daily rounds.

  BUS DRIVER BOY

  Eleven-year-old David Murphy’s school bus was stopped at a Cleveland, Ohio, gas station one day in 2008. The bus driver was in the restroom—he’d left the 27 grade-school students unattended, left the engine running, and neglected to put on the parking brake. While the kids waited, the bus began to roll out of the parking lot, picking up speed as it headed downhill on a crowded two-lane road. Kids were screaming, and some even jumped out of the moving bus. But David jumped into the driver’s seat…only to see a grim situation: A semitruck, horn blaring, was coming straight for them. There was no room to veer left, and ahead on the right were four concrete bridge supports. Beyond the underpass, there was nothing to stop the bus except for the Cuyahoga River, at the bottom of a very long hill. David grabbed the wheel and steered to the right, barely avoiding the semi. He then steered the bus toward the last bridge support and dove behind the driver’s seat just before impact. The bus hit the barrier hard, and a lot of students were shaken up—including David—but there were no serious injuries. The bus driver was fired and charged with several offenses. A shy kid, David later admitted that he didn’t tell anyone what he did at first because he was afraid he’d get into trouble for driving the bus.

  READ YOUR MOLE-O-SCOPE

  Nowadays the only thing the moles on your skin can predict is

  skin cancer, but that wasn’t always the case—fortune-tellers

  used to “read” people’s moles like they were horoscopes.

  What do your moles reveal about you?

  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

  According to one school of fortune-telling, the mole’s position on your body is the most important thing—not its color, shape, or texture. Some moles portend good luck, happiness, and a long life. Some others…well, be sure to read all of your moles, so that the lucky ones offset the unlucky ones to give you a fuller sense of what life has in store for you. Here are the mole basics.

  YOUR FACE

  • On the right side of the forehead: You’re active, hard-working, and passionate. You’ll have a successful life, marry happily, and at least one of your children will go far in the world.

  • On the right eyebrow: You’re courageous, gallant, and persevering and will succeed in love, war, business, and anything else you set your mind to. You’ll marry well, have children who love you, and die of old age. The only catch: You’ll die far from home.

  • On the left forehead or eyebrow: You’re moody, lazy, and prone to alcoholism and debauchery. You’re also a coward who will probably spend time in jail and experience extreme poverty. Just about everything you attempt in life will end in failure, including your miserable marriage (to a foul-tempered spouse) and your relationship with your irresponsible, ungrateful children.

  • On the outside corner of either eye: You’re sober, honest, and stea
dy, and have a fulfilling love life. You will experience many ups and downs in your life, and though you will keep poverty at bay, you’ll die a violent, painful death.