Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  WHAT’S THAT SMELL? Virtue

  BACKGROUND: According to California perfumers IBI, if you wear Virtue, you can actually smell like Jesus. Using the Bible as a guide to what kind of plants were used as perfumes in the Holy Land when Jesus walked the Earth, IBI scientists claim that Virtue is a close approximation of what Christ and his followers would have smelled like. It’s a sweet blend consisting mostly of apricot, with a dash of frankincense and myrrh, which were given to Jesus at birth by the three wise men.

  WHAT’S THAT SMELL? Play-Doh

  BACKGROUND: One of the most memorable parts of playing with Play-Doh was the musky, almost candylike odor of the clay when it’s soft and fresh out of the can. Turns out that the scent comes largely from wheat flour, so it’s pretty easy to reproduce. In 2006 Demeter Fragrance did just that, creating a Play-Doh perfume in honor of the toy’s 50th anniversary. It smells exactly like Play-Doh. (Demeter makes many other perfumes that evoke nostalgia for childhood, including crayon, jelly bean, and Tootsie Roll.)

  BUT WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE THERE?

  “In January 2007, a foreigner who wanted to visit England’s North Country was denied entry after tourism officials claimed it was ‘not credible’ for anyone to want to spend a week in Gateshead.”

  —Telegraph (London)

  COOKING WITH JULIA

  Julia Child was America’s first celebrity chef. She ate all

  the butter she wanted…and still lived to be 91.

  “In spite of food fads, fitness programs, and health concerns, we must never lose sight of a beautifully conceived meal.”

  “The best way to execute French cooking is to get good and loaded and whack the hell out of a chicken.”

  “If you’re afraid of butter, just use cream.”

  “The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking, you’ve got to have a ‘what the hell’ attitude.”

  “Gin.”

  —when asked what her favorite wine was

  “I don’t think about whether people will remember me or not. I’ve been an okay person. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve taught people a thing or two. That’s what’s important.”

  “A baked potato is one of the safest things to eat. Even in a hospital, where the food is pretty bad, they can usually do a baked potato perfectly well.”

  “Meals don’t need to be anything elaborate, just something simple to share with your family.”

  “Small helpings. No seconds. A little bit of everything. And have a good time.”

  —her philosophy of eating

  “If you’re alone in the kitchen and you drop the lamb, you can always just pick it up. Who’s going to know?”

  “How can a nation be called great if its bread tastes like Kleenex?”

  “I was always hungry. My feeling was the more you ate, the better. And that lasted until the age of about 42, when I discovered that too many calories did something.”

  “I enjoy cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.”

  “It makes no difference how long it takes or how difficult it is. If the final product is marvelous, it’s worth the effort.”

  THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART II

  In Part I (page 91) , we saw the rise of digital

  camera technology. Now watch as it takes over.

  TEAMING UP

  According to tech industry experts, 1995 marked the beginning of the consumer digital photography era. Among other advances, that year saw the introduction of the Kodak DC40—the first digital camera with a liquid crystal display, or LCD monitor. This gave photographers an opportunity never before available: to view the image on the back of the camera just seconds after it was taken. A few months later, Microsoft and Kodak formed a partnership to outfit Kinko’s copy stores with kiosks that allowed customers to make photo CDs and send images over the Internet, which was still in its infancy. Around the same time, Hewlett-Packard released the first inkjet printers designed to print out images taken on digital cameras.

  All of this technology coming together simultaneously highlights an important aspect of the digital camera: It’s just one part of greater revolution that involves the Internet, home computing, scanning, and printing. Technological innovations in each field spurred the others to keep up, which helped spur innovations in those fields as well. And by this point, major advances in the cameras themselves were occurring at such a fast pace that new models were outdated shortly after they hit the market.

  IT’S A SNAP

  But even through 2000, film cameras were still selling well. Why? Despite the advances, a digital camera still couldn’t render as sharp an image as a film camera in the same price range. That changed in 2003 when Canon released the Digital Rebel 300D. Not only could the Rebel’s CCD technology record an image finally on par with film, it was the first digital SLR (a camera with interchangeable lenses that can be focused manually) to sell for under $1,000. Digital cameras have outsold film cameras ever since.

  FROM THE FIELD

  The first profession to truly embrace the advantages of digital was photojournalism. No longer did a photographer on a field assignment have to overnight the negatives to the newsroom: Digital images could be sent instantly. In a highly competitive, deadline-driven field, news photographers had no choice if they wanted to be the first to deliver the scoop.

  Photojournalism also played a big part in propelling technological innovations that have since been embraced by the rest of the picture-taking world. Roving photographers complained that the bulky battery packs required to power early digital cameras were too heavy to lug around, so in 1994 the Associated Press partnered with Kodak to create the NC2000—a groundbreaking camera that required a much smaller battery pack, could use standard lenses from film cameras, and had the ability to take hundreds of exposures on a single memory card. By the late ’90s, only half of professional photojournalists were using digital technology. Just a few years later, nearly all of them were.

  JUMPING SHIP

  After most photojournalists made the switch, it took a few years for the pros who shoot products, architecture, fashion, landscapes, wildlife, and weddings to follow suit.

  • One of the first big names to go digital was acclaimed National Geographic nature photographer Jim Brandenburg, who did so in in 2003. “Remember when vinyl records and tapes were up against CDs?” he asked in his defense (many purists thought he’d sold out). “Now you can hardly find a turntable or a tape player. Some people still prefer the sound of analog, and it will be the same with film. I predict that four years from now, you’re going to see one-hour photo shops closing.”

  • One of the last high-profile film holdouts was British celebrity photographer Brian Aris. When he shot the Queen’s 80th birthday party in 2006, he admitted that it would most likely be the last major royal event ever captured with traditional film. When asked what he thought about digital, Aris begrudgingly said, “We’ve all got to embrace it.”

  GOING, GOING, GONE

  Jim Brandenburg’s prediction was off by one year: Most one-hour photo shops were gone by 2006. As for the rest of the industry, it was either switch to digital or go out of business. The choice was clear…film had become an endangered species.

  • In 2006 Nikon announced that it was going to keep only two film cameras on the market and convert the company’s focus to digital.

  • In 2008 Polaroid put an end to its line of of analog instant film.

  • In 2009 Kodak halted production of Kodachrome slide film, ending an era that began in 1936. “It was certainly a difficult decision to retire it, given its rich history,” said Mary Jane Hellyar, President of Kodak’s Film, Photofinishing and Entertainment Group. “However, the majority of today’s photographers have voiced their preference to capture images with newer technology.”

  TOPSY-TURVY

  In a little over a decade, the entire field of photography was turned upside down: What had been viewed as an interesting novelty—digital—is now the industry s
tandard. And film—which reigned supreme for more than 150 years—has become a novelty product used only by purists and a few fine-art photographers.

  However, the digital camera’s true impact on society wasn’t because the pros switched over—it was because the rest of us did.

  For Part III, turn to page 382.

  WHAT’S YOURS IS…

  During a Major League Baseball game in 2004, Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees was on second base when his teammate hit a pop fly to the infield. Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Howie Clark ran over to catch the ball, but backed off when he heard someone yell, “Mine!” Who yelled it? Rodriguez, who ran to third base after Clark missed the catch.

  JUST PLANE WEIRD

  If you’re reading this book on an airplane, you might want to

  skip this section until you’re safely back on the ground.

  NUDE ATTITUDE

  Air New Zealand came up with a novel way to make passengers actually pay attention to the pre-flight safety announcements: nude flight attendants. Well…sort of. In 2009 the airline produced a video called “The Bare Essentials of Safety,” starring three real Air New Zealand flight attendants and a pilot demonstrating the oxygen mask, seat belts, and flotation devices while dressed only in body paint designed to look like their flight uniforms. To make sure they didn’t offend anyone, the oxygen mask, seatbelt, and flotation device were “strategically placed” in the video.

  GOOD LUCK!

  As part of their wedding celebration in a park in Suvereto, Italy, a couple chartered a small plane to “throw the bouquet” in the traditional gesture to the single women in attendance. A 44-year-old man named Isidoro Pensieri was tasked with tossing the flowers to the ground below. They never made it. The bouquet was sucked into the plane’s engine, it ignited, and the engine exploded, causing the plane to crash nearby. The only casualty was Pensieri, who suffered some broken bones.

  SHE’LL HAVE THE RIBS

  When a 62-year-old woman en route to Italy passed through a security checkpoint at the Munich airport in 2008, technicians noticed something odd in her suitcase: a complete human skeleton, disassembled, and stuffed in a sealed plastic bag. The woman was immediately ushered into a room where security guards questioned her. Turns out she wasn’t a murderer—she was returning home from Brazil, where she had picked up the remains of her brother, who’d died 11 years earlier in São Paulo. Once she produced documentation from the Brazilian government indicating why she was carrying a skeleton, she and her brother caught their flight.

  NO MEALS, NO PEANUTS, AND YOU HAVE TO PUSH

  A September 2008 flight on the Chinese airline Shangdong landed safely and normally on the runway in Zhengzhou. But just as it touched down, the engine died, leaving the plane stuck on the edge of the runway. One big problem: Other flights were scheduled to come in, and the runway was now blocked, creating a hazard. Seeing no other option, the captain asked all able-bodied people on board to get out…and push. And they did—about 70 passengers helped the crew push the stranded plane to the terminal.

  DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS PLANE AROUND

  In December 2008, a Flybe Airlines flight from Cardiff, Wales, was approaching Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. Just as the plane was about to begin its descent, the pilot announced to passengers that they would be returning to Wales. The reason: It was foggy, and the pilot had not yet received his certification for flying in foggy conditions, so he had no choice but to turn back. Amazingly, the man has been a pilot for 30 years.

  OUTTA HERE

  A 2008 Delta Airlines flight from New York landed in Georgetown, Guyana. When economy, or “coach,” passengers were allowed to exit the plane first, one first-class passenger was so angry at having to wait that he pried open the emergency exit. This instantly inflated the emergency chute, and the man slid down it to the tarmac. He wasn’t quite free, however—he was arrested for interfering with a flight crew.

  CABIN PRESSURE

  Maria Castillo was on a United Airlines flight from Puerto Rico to Chicago. She’d had a few drinks before the flight and had another on the plane, and when she started behaving aggressively, flight attendants refused to serve her any more. Castillo came unglued. She allegedly spanked a flight attendant and intentionally fell onto a blind passenger’s head and pulled her hair. Flight attendants restrained Castillo to her seat, legally, with ankle cuffs. But Castillo kept slipping them off, leaving the flight crew no choice but to secure her to her seat with duct tape. A lawsuit is pending.

  DON’T HAVE A COW

  Uncle John: We need a two-page article about animals—anything but cows.

  Jay: How about some random stories, facts, and tidbits about cows?

  Uncle John: Pigs, llamas, blowfish—anything but cows!

  Jay: All right then, cows it is!

  ROAD TRIPPING

  Joseph P. Ford was driving along Route 146 in Massachusetts during rush hour traffic in 2009 when he spotted two calves running in and out of traffic. Determined to catch them before they got hit or caused an accident, Ford parked his SUV in the road, blocking traffic, got out, and gave chase. He corralled one of the calves and carried it back to his truck; he put his belt around the little bull’s neck and then attached the other end to his tailgate before running off to get the other calf. A veterinarian who witnessed the incident took the calves to her vet. Ford was called a hero by police. When a reporter asked him if he had any experience capturing animals, he replied, “Well, I do have two children.”

  PEE-PSI COLA

  In 2009 a Hindu nationalist group in India announced it would be releasing a soft drink made with cow urine. Om Prakash, chief of India’s Cow Protection Department, reassured reporters that medicinal herbs would be added to the soda, and all toxins would be removed. “It won’t smell like urine and will be tasty, too,” he said. The main purpose of the soda is to give Hindus a “healthy alternative” to Coke and Pepsi.

  BIG, OLD, BUSY BERTHA

  The average life span of a cow is 15 years. But the Guinness World Record for the oldest cow ever was Big Bertha. She reached 48 years old before heading to greener pastures in 1993. Bertha also holds another record: She produced 39 calves.

  MOOOVE OVER

  A woman was riding her bicycle on a trail in Boulder, Colorado, in 2009 when a cow ran up to her, knocked her down, and stepped on her legs. Then the cow ran off. The woman was lucky—both she and her bike escaped without serious injury. Boulder Mountain Bike Alliance vice president Jason Vogel described the cow attack as “odd, rare, and random.”

  MAGNETIC PERSONALITIES

  In 2009 a team of biologists were studying satellite images of cow herds on Google Earth and noticed something interesting: Cows usually stand pointing along a north-south axis. But not always. When they stand near power lines, something disrupts their “magnetic cow sense” and they stand any which way.

  HOLY COW

  In August 2009, Cambodian villagers held a three-day memorial ceremony for a calf that only lived for two days. “The cow looked strange,” said village chief Sok Mim. “Its legs have signs like carved arts, and its skin is like a crocodile’s skin. Some people used the spit from the cow’s mouth to cure their toothache and other illness.” They knew the calf was special because just after it was born, the village—suffering from drought—received its first significant rainfall in years.

  FAIR THEE WELL

  A pregnant cow was being delivered to the “Miracle of Birth” exhibit at the 2009 Kalamazoo County Fair in Michigan, so spectators could see what it looks like when a calf is born. But the cow had other ideas: As she was being walked off her trailer, she escaped from her handlers, bolted through a fence, and barreled into the fairgrounds. For the next 45 minutes, the expectant Holstein ran around and even knocked a few people down. She was finally captured after staffers used a calf to lure her into a corner near the grandstands. Then fairgoers created a wall with their bodies and several trucks. The cow was herded back onto her trailer and taken home,
where she was allowed to give birth in private.

  “Look at cows and remember that the greatest scientists in the world have never discovered how to make grass into milk.”

  —Michael Pupin

  FORGOTTEN FIRSTS

  Just because we’ve forgotten their names, that doesn’t

  take away their claim to fame: They did it first.

  Claimant: Lieutenant John B. Macready of the U.S. Army Air Service

  Claim to Fame: The first crop “duster” Story: In 1921 Macready, then the holder of the world altitude record, participated in a test conducted by the Ohio Agricultural Experimental Station. A six-acre grove of catalpa trees near Troy, Ohio, was infested with leaf caterpillars and the station wanted to see if the bugs could be killed from the air. It had never been done before, but on August 3, 1921, Macready flew his Curtiss JN-4 “Jenny” repeatedly over the grove at a height of about 30 feet, dispensing 175 pounds of lead arsenate pesticide from a special container attached to the fuselage of the plane. It took six passes of less than nine seconds each to spray the nearly 5,000 trees in the orchard. Two days later 99 percent of the caterpillars were dead. Crops have been dusted from airplanes ever since.