Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader
Page 35
THE LEGEND: There’s a secret underground network of people who produce, collect, and enjoy “snuff films”—films that depict actual murders.
HOW IT SPREAD: In 1969 Charles Manson and his “family” were terrorizing Los Angeles with bloody murders and other violent crimes. At one point, they stole an NBC news truck and were known to be in possession of a few Super-8 cameras. In the 1971 documentary The Family, filmmaker Ed Sanders claims that Manson’s followers used the equipment to make “brutality films” of their victims. Ever since, rumors of various serial killers recording their crimes, as well as police discovering these tapes, have surfaced.
THE TRUTH: No law enforcement agency in the United States, Europe, or Asia, has ever actually discovered a genuine snuff film. Very convincing fakes have been reported and turned over to authorities (in 1991 actor Charlie Sheen saw a Japanese movie called Flower of Flesh and Blood that was so convincing that he thought it was real and gave it to the FBI). But a real one has yet to surface. As for the Manson tapes, those are a legend, too. The Super-8 cameras and the NBC equipment was later recovered; there were no films of murders.
THE LEGEND: The name of the band is KISS, not Kiss. It’s in all capital letters because it’s an acronym for “Knights In Satan’s Service”—in other words, the band worships the devil. And it’s all there in their stage show: bassist Gene Simmons spitting fire, spewing blood, and dressing up as a character called “The Demon.”
HOW IT SPREAD: In 1974, shortly after the release of KISS’s debut album, Simmons did an interview with Circus magazine. He jokingly said he wanted to know what human flesh tasted like. This, Simmons believes, is what started the devil-worship rumors. But Simmons is probably just as responsible—whenever he was asked outright if he worshiped the devil, he was noncommittal because he thought it was good publicity and made the band seem more dangerous and interesting.
THE TRUTH: KISS singer Paul Stanley thought up the name. He thought it summed up early ’70s glam rock pretty well, and was good for marketing because it was a simple word that was understood worldwide. It was in all capitals to look good on stage, rendered in giant lights—it’s not an acronym for anything. And Simmons, who has a degree in theology and was an elementary school teacher before he started KISS, isn’t a Satan worshipper.
GARDY LOO!
Uncle John found a book called Slang and Euphemism, by Richard Spears,
with strange (and risqué) expressions from all over the world, some
dating back centuries. Here are a few that we can print.
Eruct: To belch
Gug: An unpleasant person
Have a jag on: Intoxicated
Woozle water: Whiskey
Tirliry-puffkin: A flighty woman
Fribble: A silly oaf
Ignatz: An ignoramus
Scrower: A drunkard
Wowser: A prudish person
Gaw-gaw: An oafish sailor
Yackum: Cow dung
Prep chapel: A toilet
Ethel: An effeminate male
Gooey: A gob of phlegm
Arse ropes: The intestines (Eww!)
Frogsch! Nonsense!
Bat house: An insane asylum
Dustman: A corpse
Joe-wad: Toilet paper
Rib-roast: A scolding from one’s wife
Ubble-gubble: Utter nonsense
Wretchcock: A puny or worthless person
Drain the bilge: To vomit
Tiger sweat: A strong alcoholic drink
Snow: Underwear
Tattle water: Tea (because people gossip at tea parties)
Assteriors: Buttocks
Gardy loo! What a chambermaid yelled before dumping a chamber pot out of a window
Timber-headed: Stupid
Grubber: An unclean person
Alley apple: Horse manure
Pull a cluck: To die
Bingoed: Drunk
Hickus: A gadget
Make faces: Have children
Earth-bath: A grave
WOULD YOU BELIEVE…
For years we’ve done “Dustbin of History” stories about people who were famous in their time but are now forgotten. Here’s a variation on that theme: theories that were once widely believed, but that modern science has since discredited.
CONCEPT: Phrenology (Medicine)
WHAT IT MEANT: Developed by 18th-century Austrian anatomist Franz Joseph Gall, phrenology was a pseudoscience that held that 1) different personality traits were located in different areas in the brain, and 2) the shape of an individual’s skull was influenced by the size and shape of these areas of the brain. By carefully measuring different parts of the skull, especially the bumps, phrenologists believed it was possible to gain insight into an individual’s personality traits, even to the point of evaluating their fitness for a particular occupation, suitability as a potential mate, and potential for criminal behavior. Though it was never taken seriously by the scientific community, phrenology remained popular throughout the 19th century and still has a handful of adherents today.
CONCEPT: Blending Inheritance (Biology)
WHAT IT MEANT: The hereditary characteristics of the father and mother are averaged or “blended” in their offspring. For example, if a tall man has children with a short woman, the children will be of medium height. The problem with this theory is that if it were true, in relatively few generations the features that distinguish one person from another would fade away, and everyone would be the same. Yet over the thousands of years that humans have been on Earth, it hasn’t happened. The theory of Blending Inheritance fell out of favor as botanist Gregor Mendel’s theory of dominant and recessive genes gained acceptance at the turn of the 20th century.
CONCEPT: Humorism (Medicine)
WHAT IT MEANT: A person’s health and personality are determined by the proportions of four basic substances—blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile—in the body. When the four humors were in balance, the person was healthy; when they were out of balance, the person was sick. Diet and physical activity of various kinds affected the balance and could make it better or worse; treatments such as bloodletting, inducing vomiting, and purging the bowels were administered to sick people to restore proper balance of the humors. Humorism dates back to 400 B.C. and persisted well into the 1800s, when advances in medical research led to a more accurate understanding of human physical and mental health.
CONCEPT: Diluvialism (Geology)
WHAT IT MEANT: Many geological features—such as fossils of sea creatures found on mountain tops and deposits of boulders, sand, and clay found in the valley floors of many parts of Europe—can be attributed to the great Flood or Deluge described in the Bible. Diluvialism was popular in the 18th and 19th centuries but was displaced by the theory of Uniformitarianism, which held that rock formations could be explained by natural forces such as erosion and volcanic activity rather than supernatural forces like Biblical floods. (Science may have discarded Diluvialism, but some religious groups still accept it as true.)
CONCEPT: The King’s Touch (Medicine)
WHAT IT MEANT: A sort of royalist equivalent of faith healing, this was the belief that the touch of a king or queen, who ruled by divine right, could actually cure diseases. The theory dates back to the 1200s in Europe and persisted for more than 600 years. The royal touch was thought to be especially effective in curing scrofula, a form of tuberculosis that causes swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck. Scrofula sores can disappear without treatment, which likely explains why the King’s Touch was thought to be so effective with this particular ailment.
“The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”
—Eden Phillpotts
UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS
A few miscellaneous bits of information
we’ve picked up here and there.
6 Items Banned from eBay
1. Used cosmetics
2. Stun guns
3. Alcohol
>
4. Contact lenses
5. Body parts
6. Live animals
The 4 Items on Franklin D. Roosevelt’s 1945 Inauguration Luncheon Menu
1. Chicken salad
2. Rolls
(no butter)
3. Pound cake
(no frosting)
4. Coffee
5 Lesser-Known Constellations
1. Boötes, the
Wagoner
2. Noah’s Dove
3. Bernice’s Hair
4. Tucana, the
Toucan
5. Grus, the
Crane
3 Public Figures with Unusual Middle Names
1. Jimmy Riddle
Hoffa
2. Nelson
Rolihlahla
(“Troublemaker”)
Mandela
3. Thelonius
Sphere Monk
7 Oddly Named Popes
1. Cletus
2. Fabian
3. Hyginus
4. Innocent
5. Linus
6. Urban
7. Zosimus
3 Passengers on the World’s First Hot-Air Balloon Ride in 1783
1. A duck
2. A rooster
3. A sheep
3 Memorable Zip Codes
1. Arlington,
Virginia: 22222
2. Newton Falls,
Ohio: 44444
3. Young America,
Minnesota: 55555
4 People Honored Twice with New York City Ticker-Tape Parades
1. Charles
DeGaulle
2. Dwight D.
Eisenhower
3. John Glenn
4. Haile Selassie
(ruler of Ethiopia)
4 Pet Life Spans
1. Indoor cat:
12–18 years
2. Outdoor cat:
4–5 years
3. Parakeet: 8–10
years
4. Tarantula:
20–30 years
TRADING PAINT & SPRING RUBBER
More NASCAR terminology to frighten your friends with on your next drive around town. (Part I is on page 127.)
ROOF FLAPS. Plates on the a race car’s roof that pop up if the car spins and ends up going backward. They cause air pressure to push down, helping prevent the car from flipping.
SILLY SEASON. The weeks leading up to the end of the NASCAR season (it runs from February to November), during which teams may make drastic changes such as hiring and firing people, changing sponsors, etc.
SPLASH-N-GO. A very quick pit stop during which the car is only given gas.
SHORT TRACK. A track less than one mile long. (The shortest NASCAR track, Martinsville Speedway in Virginia, is .526 miles long.)
SPOTTER. A member of a driver’s crew who sits high in the grandstand and speaks to the driver via radio, providing information about positions of other cars, accidents, etc.
SPRING RUBBER. Curved pieces of hard rubber that are inserted between a car’s springs to “stiffen” its suspension and feel.
STAGGERING. To stagger a car means to put different-size tires on opposite sides to improve its performance around corners.
STICKER TIRES. Brand-new tires, often with the sticker still visible on the side.
STOCK CAR: When NASCAR was founded in 1948, it stipulated that the cars used had to be “stock”; that is, passenger models made for the public, or from parts available to the public, and not modified in any way from their original form. The idea was that they were street cars, not souped-up race cars. Over the years, that’s changed for safety reasons (roll bars, fire extinguishers, etc.), and for higher speeds and horsepower. Today’s stock cars have bodies that resemble stock models, but just about everything else in them is custom made.
SUPERSPEEDWAY. A have them, but on NASCAR racetrack more than one mile long. (The longest: Talladega, Alabama, at 2.66 miles.)
TEAR-OFFS. Sheets of very thin, clear Mylar that adhere to a race car’s windshield and can be torn off after they get dirty during a race. Cars average six tear-offs per race.
THRESHOLD BRAKING. To brake the car hard, but just below the point where the wheels lock up.
TIGHT. When a car’s front tires lose traction before the rear tires, it becomes hard to steer and is said to be “tight.”
TRACK BAR. During a race you often hear announcers refer to adjustments to the “track bar.” What is it? A long steel tube that runs from the left side of the rear axle to the frame on the right side of the car. Purpose: to prevent side. Many trucks and cars the axle from moving side to cars they’re adjustable. Because of the effect . has on the car’s suspension, lowering it makes the car more “tight,” raising it makes it more “loose.” (Also referred to as a “Panhard bar.”)
TRADING PAINT. The term used when cars bump side-to-side during the race, usually causing scrapes and paint loss to both cars.
WIRE TO WIRE. To win a race “wire to wire” is to have the pole position in a race, lead in every lap…and win.
VICTORY LANE. Last (but certainly not least), this is where the winning driver goes to climb out of his car, receive the winner’s award, and thank his sponsors 15 times during the post-race interview. Yee-ha!
SOMETHING TO REMEMBER ME BY
LEGO pays for its employees’ business cards. Big deal. Most companies do that, right? But the Danish company’s business cards are special: They’re little LEGO people, with the employee’s name and contact info on the little LEGO person’s shirt. And the figures are designed to look like the person they represent.
BEHIND THE (MOB) HITS
A fancy hotel, a homey Italian restaurant, a local bar and grill.
What do these seemingly innocent places have in common? Each
was the scene of the assassination of a ruthless gangster.
ARNOLD “THE BRAIN” ROTHSTEIN
Background: Rothstein was one of the earliest leaders of American organized crime. He wasn’t a gun-toting mobster, though—he was a planner, bankroller, and political fixer. Instead of muscle, he used brains to forge alliances among underworld factions and crooked politicians. He kept a low profile as he financed the bootlegging activities of Dutch Schultz and other gangsters. But Rothstein was also a compulsive gambler. In September 1928, he bought into a high-stakes poker game run by a man named George McManus. The game lasted two days; Rothstein lost $320,000. Claiming the game was fixed, he refused to pay up.
The Place: On November 4, Rothstein received an urgent phone call from McManus to meet him at the Park Central Hotel. The Park Central was (and still is) located across the street from Carnegie Hall. Opened in 1927, this ritzy hotel quickly became one of Manhattan’s most popular spots. Ben Pollack’s orchestra (featuring Benny Goodman) packed them in nightly at the hotel’s Florentine Grill. It was a public place with lots of people around—a place where Rothstein would have felt safe.
The Hit: Hotel employees later found him in the stairwell holding his abdomen—he’d been shot. Was it because of the debt, or had one of his rivals simply found a viable excuse to eliminate him? No one knows for sure, because in the one day that Rothstein lived, every time police asked him who shot him, he answered, “Me mudder did it.”
ARTHUR “DUTCH SCHULTZ” FLEGENHEIMER
Background: Only 33 when he died, Schultz was the FBI’s Public Enemy #1, and one of the best-known criminals of his day. During Prohibition, “The Dutchman” bootlegged beer, ran an illegal saloon in the Bronx, and forced rival saloons to buy beer from him…and only from him. He was an extortionist who also ran illegal gambling and slot machines, and didn’t hesitate to murder anyone who interfered with “business.”
Schultz’s activities got a lot of attention from the Feds. In 1933 he was indicted on charges of income tax evasion, but he beat the rap. When he did, New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia was furious. He banned Schultz from New York City and ordered special prosecutor Thomas E. Dewey to investigate the Dutchman’s rack
ets. Now Schultz was furious—he asked the “National Crime Syndicate” for permission to take Dewey out. They said no (it would have brought the full force of the Feds down on all of them). After Schulz stormed out, the other bosses decided that he needed to go.
The Place: The Palace Chophouse on E. 12th Street in Newark, New Jersey, was no palace—just a dark, narrow bar and diner. But since Schultz was no longer allowed to operate in New York, he used a room in the back of the Newark restaurant as his office. And that’s where he was on the night of October 23, 1935.
The Hit: At 10:15 p.m., two gunmen walked into the Palace. They found Schultz in the men’s room and shot him in the chest, and then gunned down three of his cronies in the restaurant’s back room. Schulz died two days later in the hospital, but never said who shot him.
“JOE THE BOSS” MASSERIA
Background: Masseria was an old-line Sicilian mob boss whose ultimate goal was to become head of the Mafia in New York. Not sharing Masseria’s dream, though, were younger “family” members Lucky Luciano and Vito Genovese. They wanted him out of the picture, as did powerful mobsters Lepke Buchalter and Owney Madden. When another rival mafioso, Salvatore Maranzano, began to encroach on Masseria’s businesses, Joe the Boss fought back. That was the beginning a power struggle that came to be known as the Castellammarese War, during which more than 60 men (on both sides) were killed. Luciano and Genovese secretly contacted Maranzano and offered him a deal: If he’d end the bloodshed, they’d whack Masseria. Maranzano agreed.