The Loss (Heartache series #1)

by Green, Vicki

  A corner of her mouth lifts and I breathe a little easier. “Yes, you’re right. We should.”

  Silence. Uncomfortable silence.

  “You look….” Her eyes snap to mine, and she presses her lips together. “You’ve grown up.” A small laugh burst from her mouth. “I mean….” I look down and shuffle my foot in the dirt then back up into her eyes. “Fuck! Why is this so hard?” Her lips turn into a full smile. “You’re beautiful, Alena.” We stand there, not a foot away, just staring at each other. The birds are starting to chirp in the trees around us. The leaves are blowing with a slight breeze, and I see her shiver. “Are you cold?”

  She looks down, shyly, still smiling. “I should get back. I have things….” She looks up and her smile drops, slightly. “It was great seeing you, Jase. Maybe we can catch up before Friday. I’m staying at Moms.” Her eyes widen, like she shouldn’t have said that. “I’m sure I’ll see you around. Gotta go. Bye.” She turns and starts to run, but I grab her arm.

  “Alena. Wait!” Her head turns, faintly. “I’ll run back with you, just until the trail. Okay?” I catch the slight nod of her head and release her arm.

  We jog together in silence. There’s so much I want to say to her, so many things that need to be said, but I can’t. My eyes keep catching the weaving of her blonde ponytail and how her body moves with grace. We get to the end of the dirt trail, hit the pavement and stop. She turns to me and seems to look everywhere but at me. “Well, I’m going this way so….”

  She points in the opposite direction of where I’m headed so I give her a quick nod. “Okay. Take care of yourself and maybe I’ll see you soon?” I ask in anticipation.

  “Uh, sure. I’d like that. Bye, Jase.” I’m stuck there, watching her jog off until she fades into the shadows of the early morning.

  I feel at a loss, like I don’t know what to do with myself, so I start jogging and move into a full run until I reach my house. I think I need to take my shower and head to the gym early. I need a blowout workout right about now. She changed, but haven’t we all? However, she doesn’t look extremely different, her face and body etched in my brain. The last five years have been good to her, physically. She’s even more beautiful than she was.

  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  It felt so good to run, but I’m a sweaty mess. The shock of running into Jase plaques my mind as I get home and upstairs to the bathroom. I turn on the shower tap and wait until it gets heated up. When I turn and see my reflection in the mirror, I reach up and touch my face. I wonder how he sees me now. Am I the same girl he remembers? After five years, I have to say he’s more gorgeous than I remember. He definitely has kept in shape and is even more built. I tried not to stare at the huge muscles on his arms, his strong jaw that is more defined now, and his abs that seems to protrude underneath his wife-beater. I blink when I notice the light shade of rose covering my face as I think of him. Damn, I need to stop that now before someone notices.

  Shaking my head from my thoughts, I step into the shower and adjust the water temperature. Moving under the spray, I tilt my head back and run my fingers through my wet tangled hair. He didn’t notice I had cut it some. I don’t think he did. After washing my hair, conditioning and cleaning the sweat from my body, I turn off the water and grab a towel off the rack beside the shower. Once I’ve brushed my teeth, my hair and applied my lotion, I put on a pair of nice dress slacks and a silky blouse wishing I could just put on my jeans and tank top. I start applying my makeup and think back to a fight Bill and I had getting ready for our trip.

  “I don’t know why you’re packing those type of clothes, Alena. It’s not like you’re going to wear them there,” Bill spouts in a gruff voice.

  I look up from my suitcase. My eyebrows crease and my heart racing in frustration. “So, you’re not going to allow me to wear any comfortable clothes while I’m at home?”

  He takes my arm and pulls me into his body, wrapping his arms around me. “You should be comfortable in nice attire, pumpkin.” I cringe at his pet name for me. “You need to look like the professional woman you are at all times. You know this. How many times have we talked about it?” I stay quiet and only nod slightly against his chest. We’ve talked about it plenty, but it’s what he wants, not what I want.

  I stop mid stroke of mascara and focus at my eyes in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder why I stay with him. He dictates everything I say and do, to the point of madness. But he was there for me when I started the next chapter of my life. Helped me try to get over the loss of Jase and supported me when I was getting my graphic design company up and running. Yet, does that mean our relationship will work? Forever?

  “Alena! I’m going out for a while! Will you be okay?” Bill yells from downstairs.

  My hand holding the mascara in midair shakes. I stand up straight and roll back my shoulders. “Yes, Bill. You go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

  The sounds of footsteps and then a door closing makes me sigh in relief. What am I doing? I should just tell him it’s over. Is the timing right? Is there ever a good time? Ugh! I hate this! I hate that I came back home for the first time in two years, the reunion, seeing Jase this morning, and the mess I’m in with my life. I need a drink. My eyes widen, and I start applying my makeup faster then I change my clothes into my favorite pair of jeans and tank top, put my flip flops on and grab my phone. I send off a text and head downstairs to the kitchen to find Mom sitting at the table.

  “Morning, honey. How are you today?” She asks as she lifts her coffee cup to her mouth.

  I walk straight over to the coffee pot, grab a cup from the cabinet, pour me some deliciousness and walk over to the table, sitting down across from her. “I’m good. I, uh…. I ran into Jase this morning on my run. Literally.” Her smile is genuine as she sets her cup down.

  “Oh? How did that go?” I take a sip of heaven and set my cup down in front of me.

  I remember the surprised look on his face, how my eyes scanned his body, how his scanned mine, and how the tingles flowed through me at the view. “It was kind of…. Awkward.”

  I look down at my cup when I feel the warmth of her hand covering mine. “Of course, it will be a bit awkward but you and Jase grew up together. You were inseparable. And you’ve both grown up, changed, and have been away from each other. I bet if you spent a little time together everything would come back as it should be. I’ve always believed you two belonged together.”

  I sigh as I look up and into her loving eyes. “That was a long time ago, Mom. I have Bill now.”

  I watch as her face changed from caring to sadness yet changes back so quickly that you wouldn’t know unless you knew her. She pats my hand and then pulls it back, picking up her cup and taking another sip. She never liked Bill. First, I thought it was because he wasn’t Jase and by me getting together with him meant I’d moved on, which is exactly what I was trying to do. Then, after coming up to the college one time to visit and meet him, she didn’t like him at all because of how proper and stuffy he acted. But that’s Bill. She didn’t understand how much he was there for me when I needed someone. Someone who helped me get passed my loss. Was there for me, held me when I cried myself to sleep. Jase, Liv, both of the losses I felt. No one ever held me after the accident, except Mom, of course. Jase couldn’t. He wasn’t the same after that. Who would be when they watched the love of their life get killed right in front of them?

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out. My eyes soften, and I smile when I read the text. I text back, send, and then look up at Mom. “I’m meeting Hailey in an hour at the mall to shop for the reunion and then we’re going to Danny’s.”

  “Oh! That’s wonderful dear. I thought you already bought a dress for that?” she asks with a smile on her face, warming me up. “I’m sure you’re anxious to see Hailey. You both always had so much fun together.”

  My smile grows when I re
member Hailey. “Well, I might just get some new things but yes, I have a dress Bill wants me to wear.” Her smile wavers. “I can’t wait to see Hailey!” We talk about memories of Hailey and me together, and she even brought up Jase. I didn’t cringe this time but just laughed with her and some of the things we used to do. Our house and Jase’s were where we all used to congregate when we weren’t playing outside. It was so comfortable being with them, and our parents, until after the accident. Things were strained, to say the least, but expected. I don’t think any of us were the same after that, especially Jase. That sets my mind in a totally different direction. I wonder how he is now. He seemed okay when we bumped into each other. Is he still having nightmares? Is his life better now? My focus moves back to Mom as she continues talking about childhood memories. We laugh as we talk and drink our coffee until it’s time for me to leave.

  Mom lets me take her car and the whole time I’m driving into town, which isn’t very far, I’m thinking about our neighborhood, how close everyone was, how much fun we used to have and all the alone time with Jase.

  I pull into the mall parking lot and drive until I find a place to park in front of one of the entrances. I immediately see Hailey standing out front, smoking her cigarette. My heart beats faster in anticipation of seeing my best friend. “Hailey! Put that damn thing out!” She looks up and a smile spreads over her face.

  “’Bout freaking time!” She yells.

  She’s always had the most gorgeous long black hair that hangs down to the top of her small butt. I always envied that. Her black eyelashes are longer than mine, and she works out way more than I do. I need to find a gym! I half jog to her as she deposits her cigarette into the tray beside her and we envelope each other into a hug. “Damn, I’ve missed you,” I say in her ear, trying to hold back the tears that are developing quickly. I push back to arm’s length and look at her more closely. There’s slight bags under her eyes that’s she’s trying to conceal with makeup, but I can see them. “I need to hit your gym, girl. You look rockin’! But you look tired. What’s up, chica?”

  She turns, clasping her arm through mine, and we start to walk into the mall. “Oh! So much to tell you, so little time. Let’s get a coffee first and we can chat.” I give her a sad smile as she leads me through the doors and then down the walkway until we hit our favorite coffee place.

  “Man! I haven’t been in here in so long. I’ve missed it.” I frown. She pulls my arm, and we walk up to the counter. After we get our coffees, we find a small table in the back corner and sit down across from each other. I take a sip and smile when I look at her. “Okay. Spill. Why do you look so tired? Should I be worried?”

  She gives me a sad smile, looks down at her cup and then back up at me. “No! I’ve just…. You’ve been gone so long and I’ve missed you. I just broke up with a guy who I dated the last few years but I’ll get over it.” Her eyes turn sad, and she sighs. “He wasn’t, uh, the kind of guy who takes breakups very well. In fact, he isn’t such a nice guy, if you know what I mean.”

  I reach across the table and place my hand on hers. “I’m so sorry, Hail. What can I do to help? Are you okay? Do you need protection?”

  She smiles and gives me her ornery look that always means trouble and avoids my questions. “Well, first. Tell me what made you go off radar? Then after shopping, we’re going to go work out. There’s a new gym since you’ve been here last and I think you’ll really love it.” Why am I suddenly terrified? She nudges my hand. “Come on. You’ve always been able to tell me anything. That hasn’t changed, has it?” She’s right, of course. I’ve always been able to tell her everything growing up, and she would tell me everything too. Then why do I feel so weird about telling her things now? It’s just been so long since I’ve confided in anyone other than Bill, anyone who knew anything about my life here growing up. Maybe she feels the same way.

  “I….” Shit! I don’t know how to start or what all I should tell her. I look down at my coffee, my eyebrows lowering as I contemplate.

  “Hey!” I look up to see her sweet smile. “It’s me, Al. We’ve been through everything together. Is it Jase?”

  Is it Jase? Is it Bill? Is it my life? I take another sip of my coffee and sigh. “I’ll tell you but not here. Maybe we can go to Danny’s for a drink tonight? Eat some of his famous chicken strips that I’ve been dying for as soon as I landed.” Her smile reappears, and I’m feeling a little better.

  “Okay, deal! So, finish up, let’s go shopping and then hit the gym.” She gives me her look again, and I think I’m in a ton of trouble. I get the feeling there’s something she’s not telling me.

  We end up shopping for two hours! Damn, I forgot how she likes to shop. I ended up buying some new shirts, jeans and running shoes, although Bill hates when I wear these types of things. Of course.

  I follow her through town, all the sights of the buildings giving me warm memories and also sadness as I see some new ones. I still can’t believe I haven’t been home for two years. I wonder what all I’ve missed. I see the sign for the gym coming up. ‘Battle Ground Fitness’. Hmmm, interesting name. I pull into the small side street that winds into a parking lot around the back and into a parking space next to Hailey. I grab the bag with my new workout clothes and shoes and get out, noticing she’s already standing there by her car tapping her foot. Impatient as always. We walk around the front on the sidewalk, and she talks a mile a minute. God, I’ve missed her!

  “So, yeah. I’ve been spending a lot of time at your house with your mom. You know I’ve always loved her especially since mine never gives two hoots about me.” Her mom was always indifferent when it came to her. Always throwing it up in her face how she wished she’d had a son. I always felt sorry for her, but we’d just stay at my house or hang out with the gang in the neighborhood. Jase and she were about as close as he and I were, almost. But then, no one could touch the closeness Jase and I had. The three of us used to hang out a lot, when Jase and I weren’t together. “But that’s old and ugly news. You know that.”

  She opens the door, and I walk in and stop. Everything’s so clean and there are tables and chairs away from the front door, like a small lounge area, and a small snack and protein bar in the corner on the right. Then behind the small lounge are the women’s and men’s locker rooms and over to the left looks like some offices. Stairs are on either side of the sitting area where I’m imagining is where all the machines are. “Come on,” Hailey says, putting her arm through mine. “Let’s get you checked in and go change.” She leads me over to the right where a counter is and a pretty but unique looking girl is sitting behind. “Jolie, this is Alena Spencer and she need….”

  Jolie slides off her high stool and walks to the counter, bending down putting her elbows on the glass and her chin in her hands. “This is Alena? Wow! No wonder.” I wonder what she means by that? She stands up and crosses her arms over her chest. “Go on in. No charge.” What?

  “Oh, no! I can pay. You don’t have to….”

  She gives me a smirk. “Nope. Go on in. On me. See what you think and if you want to join after that, great. Just let me know.” She winks and then climbs back onto her stool. Well, she’s a little spitfire.

  “Come on, girl. Let’s go!” Spouts Hailey and pulls me away from the counter. I have no idea what just happened, but I guess a free pass makes sense. Guess I’ll be trying it out. The small hairs on the back of my neck seem to stand, and a chill runs through me. I feel like I’m being watched but when I look around as we walk to the locker room, I don’t see anyone looking. Weird.

  Chapter 3

  She’s here. I watch Alena through the two way mirror from my office as she stands by the front counter, following her as she walks passed and to the locker room. Fuck, I’ve missed her but I’m not sure how I feel about her being in my gym. I guess it was bound to happen at some point, and I’ve been dreading it. I don’t
know if my cock can handle watching her workout. It’s having a bad time now, just seeing her. I think I’m gonna have to go put something else on to hide it better. I adjust myself, again, and wait by the glass until I see her and Hailey leave the locker room and my eyes about pop outta my head. Alena is in a tight fitted half top, her short shorts so small on her tiny frame that I know all the guys will be staring at her, and I feel a bit of jealousy twinge through me. Why should I be jealous? She’s not mine. In fact, I don’t even know if she’s dating anyone right now although I’ve heard through the years that she was with some pencil dick. Her skin is unblemished with a healthy glow and looks so soft. I look down and see her flat stomach and is that a belly button piercing? Shit!

  I walk back to my desk and sit down trying to do some work on my computer, trying not to give in to the urge to go upstairs and watch her. I’m pretty proud of myself until about thirty minutes later and three interruptions from staff, I get up, walk out of my office and head to the stairs. I can feel Jolie staring at me, and I’m sure she’s wondering what the fuck I’m doing. I know I’m wondering myself. It’s as if I’m not thinking, not feeling anything enough to hold me back as I climb the stairs. I numbly walk around, stop and lean back against the wall of the track and look around. My eyes instantly find her. She’s running on a treadmill, ear buds in, and looks like she’s been keeping up with her workout, by the look of her sexy body. Shit! She’s definitely filled out in all the right places. Her breasts not too big but just the right size for my hands, her waist is slim and her butt. Oh, my freaking God! Tight and just the right size for my hands to hold and squeeze. Fuck! I need to get my mind off her and now, or I’m gonna have another problem.