The Loss (Heartache series #1)

by Green, Vicki

  “Alena,” I choke out, my eyes beginning to close.

  “We’ll send for her. Don’t worry.”

  Darkness.

  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  My eyes open, the TV is showing an infomercial. I must have fallen asleep. A noise woke me up, but now it’s quiet. I must have been dreaming. When I look up at the clock, I’m surprised it’s one o’clock in the morning. Where is Jase? Why didn’t he wake me? A knock sounds on the front door and my heart speeds up. Who could that be this late? Maybe Jase forgot his key. Silly man. I’m so gonna razz him for this. I get up and walk to the door, getting ready to let him have it but when I open the door, Jase isn’t standing there.

  “May I help you?” Fear sets in and I take a step back, keeping my hand on the door, ready to slam it and run.

  “Sorry, Miss Spencer. My name is Tanner Clark. You don’t know me but I work at Battle Ground and kind of know Jase.” He seems jittery, like he’s anxious or hyper.

  I don’t remember Jase mentioning a Tanner. This man is really built, tattoos are showing down his arms from beneath the sleeves of his t-shirt, and wearing gym shorts with tennis shoes. He could be telling the truth. Maybe I’m just squeamish after everything that’s happened.

  “Jase isn’t here right now but should be back any moment,” I tell him apprehensively.

  He looks down at his shoes and then back up at me. “I’m sorry, Miss Spencer, but there’s been an accident at the gym.” My heart just dropped, and I start to sway. He quickly grabs my arms to steady me, and I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. “He’s okay, well, pretty banged up.” My knees give out and he catches me, helping me sit down on the floor. “Do you need some water or something?” I shake my head fast, pleading with him with my eyes. “He’s on the way to the hospital. I came over to get you. Can you walk?” I nod, and he helps me stand. “Come on. I’ll take you to him.” He leads me out the door, but I stop and reach around, grabbing my purse from the small table inside. I take out my keys and lock the front door then he helps me down the steps and over to his SUV. After opening the door, I get in and buckle up, fumbling with it as my hands are shaking so badly.

  I finally manage to buckle it by the time he gets into the driver seat, starts the car and backs out of the driveway. “I’m sorry this is how we have to meet, Miss Spencer.”

  “Alena,” I whisper.

  “Alena. Thanks. Jolie’s told me some about you and I really haven’t spent too much time with Jase, yet. Just moved here not too long ago and….”

  I stare out the front of the car, my thoughts only on Jase. “What happened?” I choke out feeling emotional, scared and worried.

  I can see from the corner of my eye that he looks over at me. “Some guy came after him. I’m not giving you the details, Alena. It’s too much for you. Just know, he’s pretty banged up. I want you to be prepared for what you see when we get there.”

  “Please…. Hurry.” Tears well up but I forbid them to fall. I need to be strong right now. He’ll need me. He needs me.

  It seems to take forever to get to the hospital. Things keep flashing in my head. How badly injured is he? He went through a beating. He’s strong. What will I find when I see him? I can’t live without him.

  Tanner pulls into the lot by the emergency entrance, and I don’t wait for him to put the car in park before I open the door, slam it, and start running to the doors. I hear his footsteps behind me, catching up, and have to stop when it takes so long for the sliding doors to open. Jogging, I head straight for the nurses desk, slam my hands down on the counter, panting. “Jase Briggs. Just brought in.” My breathing is ragged, my heart pounding in my chest.

  “Just a moment please,” the nurse behind the desk says lazily.

  My hand starts tapping the counter and she looks up at me and sighs. Really? “Please, hurry,” I ask in a shaky voice.

  She looks at her computer screen, ignoring me, and then finally speaks. “He’s been taken to ICU, upstairs, fourth floor and….”

  I take off running for the elevators, Tanner hot on my heels. “Alena! Wait!” ICU, that’s not good. My heart races and I feel ill. ICU. Oh, my God! I slap the button of the elevator over and over again, looking up at the lights showing the floors. Fuck! Hurry up!

  “Alena, that’s not gonna help get you there any faster.” Tanner’s beside me, trying to calm me down, but I can’t. I just can’t.

  It seems to take forever but the doors finally open. I push through the people trying to get off in order to get on. Once the doors close, he grabs my arms turning me around to face him. “Hey, please calm down. He doesn’t need to see you like this. Calm down for him.” He’s right. Dammit! I need to get my shit together but my head is spinning. “Take some deep breaths. That’s it.” I try. I try so hard to take some breaths, trying to calm my heart. “Remember, he won’t look good right now. Keep that in mind when you get there. Be strong.” I nod, shakily.

  He releases his hold. I turn and look up at the numbers as the floors pass by slowly. So slowly. The doors open and I freeze. What if I break down in front of him? What if I gasp at what I see? I can’t move. Suddenly, I’m scared of what I’ll find. He’s been through so much, so much because of me. Does he really deserve me in his life? Look what all I’ve put him through. Will he still want me? Love me? I start shaking and take a few steps back. I can’t live without him but would his life be better without me? God! I feel like I’m gonna be sick.

  “Alena?” I look over at Tanner, who has one foot out of the elevator and one foot inside. I shake my head then nod, confused at my own emotions. I look down. His hand reaches out and without thinking, and I place my hand in his. “Come on. We’ll go slowly, okay?” I look back up into his eyes and nod. “Good girl. One step at a time.” He leads me, slowly like he promised. We eventually get to a nurses station, and I look around while he talks to a nurse. My gaze stops at the room on the end of the hall, barely making out Jase from the window. I pull on his hand, removing mine from his grasp, and walk quickly to the room. My heart stops when I see him through the glass. Lights moving on different machines behind and around him. His chest rising and falling, helped by an oxygen mask around his mouth. His face swollen again, the same side as it was before, his leg propped up on a pillow, his bad knee re-bandaged and his arm in a cast from his elbow down over his hand, only his fingers showing.

  So much loss, so much pain. This is what I’ve done to him, again. Will it ever end? Will it ever be over, or will it eventually kill him. All my fault. His pain, his injuries. All my fault. All because of the stupid mistakes and choices I’ve made. Guilt hits me hard as I look at his face.

  “Take your time, Alena. I tried to warn you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to him sooner.”

  I barely hear Tanner’s words as I just stare at Jase. I look around and start running towards the bathroom, pushing the door open hard and make it just in time into a stall, heaving everything out of my stomach into the toilet. My head hurts with my thoughts. I almost lost him after Liv was killed. I almost lost him when Bill tried to kill us, and now I almost lost him last night. I kneel on the ground, my head moving down again as I expel more from my stomach. Why can’t anything go right for us? Are we not meant to be together? I get sick some more until there is no more left inside me. All I keep thinking is that I want what’s best for him, for him to have a happy life, but I can’t live without him. I’m so selfish. I want his arms around me right now. I want him to whisper in my ear that everything’s going to be okay, that our love can withstand anything life throws at us. I need him.

  “Alena!” I lay my forehead down against the cool porcelain, trying to get something cool against me. “Fuck, Alena.” Footsteps come up behind me and then leave. A few seconds later, I feel coolness pressed against the side of my face. “Girl, I’m here.” Hailey’s voice sounds like heaven to my ears but I want
Jase. I want to hear his voice.

  “Damn! Is she okay?” Another woman’s voice sounds behind me. Jolie? “Here, let me help.”

  “Do I need to get a nurse?” Tanner. He sounds worried.

  “No, we’ve got her. Can you just stay with Jase?” No words, only silence. I open my eyes. Hailey’s sweet face is full of concern as I sit up and lean back against the stall wall. “Babe. Are you okay? I know that was hard for you to see. He’s gonna be okay. I know he will. He’s strong, a fighter, you know that, and he’ll fight for you. Always.” I nod but my tears finally streak down my face. “Oh, come here, sweetie.” She sits down in front of me, her arms open, and I don’t hesitate to fold into them. I feel numb, weak, where I used to be so strong. What’s happened to me? Changed me? I’ve let life get the better part of me, taken from me, but I’ve let it win. I want to be the way I was before, strong, defying all odds, fighting to do what I want, what I need and not giving in to anything. Where is that girl? I’m only letting Bill win again.

  I push back looking at Hailey’s confused face, pushing against the wall with my hand. When she reaches out to help me, I gently push it away and walk out of the stall and over to the counter. I look at myself in the mirror, not liking what I see. Tears staining my face, my eyes swollen and red. Quickly, I turn on the water, splashing the wetness on my face, then turn it off and grab some paper towels, patting my face dry. I look defiantly into the mirror again. She’s there, the girl I used to be, staring back at me. I take a deep breath, roll my shoulders back and turn around. Hailey and Jolie are giving me weird looks. They look at each other and back at me. I try to smile but I can’t, not now. Not until I know Jase is okay, that he’ll be okay. Walking out of the bathroom, hearing their steps behind me, I walk straight to the window and look at him again. He hasn’t moved, not stirred. The machines beep, simultaneously as I walk into the room. I grab a chair, pushing it up as close as I can get to his bed, placing my hand over his casted one, putting my fingers through his. Nothing. My touch doesn’t affect him. My heart can’t beat any faster, and I still feel ill.

  I don’t move. I don’t speak. I close my eyes and begin praying.

  Chapter 19

  Battle Ground. Flashes of punches, no air and my arm twisting, popping and fire. My eyes open slowly, looking around a room. Where am I? I look down, my girl is by my side, her head turned. I look over and see Hailey and Jolie. What’s going on?

  “The doctor said he’ll come around when his body is ready. I know you’re worried, honey, we all are but he’s strong.” What are they talking about? I’m right here. Can’t they see my eyes are open?

  “I need him. I need him to come back to me. It’s all my fault. I’ve caused so much pain,” Alena sniffs and turns her head, looking at me. I’m here! Can’t you see me? “I love him so much. So much.” Baby, look at me! What the fuck is going on?

  Sounds of beeping grows, louder and her eyes widen. She leans over, but I can’t see what she’s doing. What’s wrong with everyone? I’m looking right at them. I look up when the door opens, a nurse running inside the room. “Everyone out! Now!”

  “NOOOO! I won’t leave him! Noooooo!”

  I watch Hailey and Jolie, grabbing Alena, pulling her out the door, kicking and screaming, her tears falling down her beautiful face. What in the fuck is going on? Don’t take her away! I need her! Dr. Shafer walks in. Thank fuck! Maybe he can tell me what’s happening. He needs to get Alena back in here immediately. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Weird. I watch in horror as he pulls out paddles from a machine, my shirt lifted, and they’re pressed down hard on my chest. Wait! My eyes close as I’m jolted, my body jumping from the bed. “Again. Clear!” Again with the jolt. Stop it! “Okay, he’s good. Shit, I thought we were going to lose him. Give him more of that and keep a better eye on him,” Dr. Shafer’s voice is rough, angry. I’ve never heard him cuss before. Shortly, my eyes close and the darkness returns.

  “Alena, darling, you need to eat. You’ve only nibbled the last few days. Is your stomach still upset?”

  Her mom’s voice enters my head. My brain feels foggy, and my chest hurts.

  “Yes, a little, but I’m not hungry.”

  “You need to eat. I brought that soup just for you. It’s your favorite.”

  “I know but….”

  My eyes open and look across the room. She looks pale, too thin. She’s lost weight. “Eat for me, please.” My voice is hoarse, not sounding like mine but everyone’s heads turn and Alena’s chair falls over as she stands, running over to me.

  “Oh, my God! My God! Jase,” she cries then buries her face into my neck. I can’t move my arm, wanting to wrap it around her, hold her close to me, but it won’t move. She cries softly against my skin, and I close my eyes, feeling her warmth, her touch, her love. I want to hold her so badly, as close as possible. She finally moves. My eyes open to her tear streaked face. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She gently places her hands on both sides of my face, and I blink, my own tears beginning to fall. “I thought…. I lost…. You,” she chokes.

  “You’ll never lose me, baby. I’ll always be yours.” I look around, everyone standing still, watching. “Why can’t I move my arms?”

  “I’m getting the nurse and Dr. Shafer,” Mrs. Spencer announces and runs out of the room.

  I look back into the worried eyes of my love. “Sweetheart.” She rubs my face with her thumb as she speaks quietly, caringly. “They had to strap down your wrists. You were trying to get outta bed in your sleep last night. I’m sorry. They were afraid you’d hurt yourself. You were having bad dreams.”

  “I don’t even remember that.” I look at the door when a nurse walks in, Dr. Shafer behind her. The nurse quickly comes to the other side of my bed, and I feel her removing the restraints. Dr. Shafer is next to Alena, doing the same to my other hand.

  “Ah, Jase. Good to see you awake. How are you feeling today?” Dr. Shafer asks, smiling and looking a bit relieved. I feel confused, my brain and mind so clouded.

  “I kind of feel like I’ve been hit by a truck but I don’t remember anything, just weird dreams.” It’s the only way I can answer yet it’s the truth.

  He smiles, walking over to my other side, picking up my wrist, and looking at his watch. “Yes, well, that’s to be expected.” He lays my hand down and pats my arm. “We almost lost you this time, Jase.” My brows lower, trying to remember, anything. I look over at Alena, whose fingers thread through mine, and I look down to see a cast on my arm. “I need you to stay very calm. I’m sure Alena will be happy to fill you in but you really have to stay calm or I’ll have to sedate you. Understand?” I look back over at him and nod. “Very good. Sorry, but no food today, only liquids. If you keep those down we’ll see about some bland food tomorrow.” Great. He turns and looks around the room. “I’m breaking all the rules, again, letting you all be here at one time. Don’t make me regret my decision.” Everyone nods and hushed murmurs sound in the room. He walks to the door, opening it and then turns his head. “I’d hate to have to kick you all out. I know Jase needs your support right now. Just keep him calm.” He leaves and I look at Alena, so confused.

  “Okay, peeps. Let’s leave them alone for a bit, shall we?” Hailey’s voice echoes in the room, but I can’t take my eyes off my girl. I hear footsteps, the door opening and closing, and then silence.

  We just look into each other’s eyes, my fog lifts with her touch, her closeness. She smiles, her chin quivers. She reaches her hand up to my face, her palm soft as I close my eyes, a tear falls. “So much pain. I almost lost you this time. You scared me so badly. Please. Don’t ever do that again.” I open my eyes to see her beautiful smile.

  “I won’t. I promise. Baby, don’t tell me what happened, yet. Right now, I just want you in my arms.” I lift my good arm, and she quickly stands and walks over to the
other side, climbing in. I wince as I try to move over. She shakes her head, lifts my arm and puts it around her, laying her head on my shoulder. “Fuck! That’s better.” We don’t talk, nothing but the sounds of the beeps of the machines in the room. She plays with my fingers as we just lay there. Best medicine I could ever have is her beside me. After a long time, I look down and find that she’s fallen asleep. Good. She looks completely exhausted, and I know I’m the reason for it. Slowly, I close my eyes thinking about all the pain I’ve caused her. However, that’s going to change. From now on, only happiness for my girl, no more stress.

  The smell of food wakes me up. I open my eyes and see my girl is still wrapped up in my arm. In her sleep, her leg is thrown over mine, her arm across my growling stomach, and a sweet pout on her lips. Adorable. I look over to see Mom, a bowl of her awesome chicken broth sitting in front of me on a tray. Cue stomach growl again. Alena stirs, opening her eyes lazily, her lips turning into a smile as she sits up. “Is that your mom’s famous chicken broth?” Fucking cute!

  “I brought some for you too, dear.” Mom hurriedly walks over carrying another bowl and sets it down on the tray with a spoon.

  I laugh as I push the button on the side rail, making the back of the bed to rise but stop when pain shoots through my side. “Ungh,” I wince with the searing pain.

  “Easy, baby.” Alena grasps my arm, worry covering her face.

  “I’m okay. Just went up a little too far.” Her chin quivers and I lay back, taking a few deep breaths but turn my head and smile. “Quit worrying. I’m okay. I promise.” She nods and I pick up her spoon, handing it to her, and then we both start to eat. Damn! Best soup ever!