Elspeth Hart and the School for Show-offs

by Sarah Forbes

  Rory was looking even more worried than usual. “Elspeth, you know I want to escape with you, but this plan is really dangerous,” he whispered. “And what if you really are allergic to fresh air?”

  “Don’t worry!” Elspeth said confidently. “Miss Crabb was lying the whole time… I’m not allergic to fresh air at all.”

  Elspeth tried to feel as brave as she sounded. This was her only chance. She had to be ready.

  It was the morning of the day of the very important Look at Us! show. Nobody had slept very well the night before.

  Professor Bombast had cuddled Cutie-pie for half an hour, unable to sleep. Eventually he had marched around the Great Grand Hall in his tartan pyjamas, making sure his new portrait was perfectly straight on the wall.

  Tatiana Firensky had dreadful nightmares about which designer shoes to wear for the performance.

  Octavia Ornamento had horrible dreams about being forced to hold an incredibly heavy phone for hours at a time until her arms stopped working.

  Esmerelda Higginsbot dreamed of pushing Tatiana Firensky face first into a muddy puddle, then woke up suddenly, wondering if Tatiana could read her mind.

  Miss Crabb dreamed about losing her false teeth.

  Gladys Goulash had nightmares about having to wash, as she was planning her annual bath for the next day.

  Elspeth Hart couldn’t sleep, either. She was nervous and excited and scared and hopeful all at the same time. The words of the song kept drifting through her head, and whenever she started to drop off, she had visions of huge vats of sticky toffee sauce, which woke her up with a jolt. She was just falling asleep as the sun came up, but then she was woken by an awful screeching sound coming from the dormitories.

  “MY HAIR! My beautiful perfect hair! AAAAARGH!”

  It sounded like Esmerelda Higginsbot.

  Elspeth crept out of bed and down the stairs to the girls’ dormitories. There was a massive crowd outside the room Esmerelda shared with Tatiana, and everyone was whispering and staring. Elspeth paused on the staircase and craned her neck so she could see into the room.

  Esmerelda was sitting at her dressing table, weeping. Every so often she would glance up, look in the mirror and scream “MY HAIR!” all over again.

  Someone had chopped off all Esmerelda’s beautiful long dark hair in the night. Her hair was now a tufty mess that looked a bit like the old brush Miss Crabb gave Elspeth to use when she was washing the pots.

  “Oh dear, dear, dear,” Tatiana simpered. She was perched on Esmerelda’s bed trying to look sympathetic. “What a frightful disaster. Who on earth would do this to you?” She glanced round at the watching crowd. “Who was it?” she asked sharply. “Hmm?” She eyeballed Elspeth. “Surely none of the PUPILS here would do this?”

  All the show-offs turned to Elspeth.

  Elspeth stared back at Tatiana. “It wasn’t me and you know it,” she said calmly.

  Tatiana gave a snort. “Well, I’d say you’re the PRIME SUSPECT,” she muttered, which made Esmerelda start crying even more loudly. “I should think someone will file an Official Filthy Rich Complaint as soon as the show is over.”

  Elspeth felt ill at the thought of it, but she ignored Tatiana and went quietly back up the stairs. She didn’t have to think very hard to know who’d chopped off Esmerelda’s hair. “You are not blaming this one on me, Tatiana,” Elspeth said to herself, “because I am getting out of here.”

  The Look at Us! show was going to be terribly impressive, everyone could tell. The journalists had already written “terribly impressive” in their notebooks so they could have a nap during the show instead of writing their reviews.

  Camera crews had arrived to broadcast the entire performance on live TV, knocking over several valuable vases in the Great Grand Hall as they came in. Rows and rows of smartly dressed people filled the theatre, and Tatiana Firensky’s father had the best seat, right at the front. Professor Bombast had a fixed grin on his face as he welcomed all the pushy parents, who shook his hand with bone-crushing grips.

  Then darkness fell. There was a hush. The show was about to begin.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” boomed Professor Bombast from behind the curtain. “I present to you … this year’s show-offs!”

  The camera crews jostled each other for the best position as the curtain went up. Unfortunately it went up too quickly, and everyone caught a glimpse of Madame Chi-chi kissing Professor Bombast with a wet smacking sound. It left a big red lipstick mark on his face. But let us not dwell on that disgusting kissing image, dear reader.

  The audience shuffled in their seats. The first half of the Look at Us! show would feature performances from all of the show-offs, then the entire second half of the show would be dedicated to Tatiana Firensky. She would be performing a ballet solo from Swan Lake, followed by a bit of Shakespeare, followed by a tap dance.

  A few people commented that it was odd to have one student take up the second half of the show, but they were quickly hustled out by the massive bodyguards that Tatiana’s father had brought in.

  Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash were sniggering in a corner. Miss Crabb stopped sniggering when Ivan Firensky marched towards her. He whispered something in her ear and Rory, who was watching from the side of the hall, sneaked up behind them to listen.

  “Well?” Ivan Firensky was saying in a low voice. “Where’s the recipe?

  “I ain’t got it yet!” said Miss Crabb. “It’s in her head, but that stupid Elspeth can’t seem to remember all the ingredients.”

  “Get it from her. Get it NOW!” said Ivan Firensky tensely. Then he seemed to remember something and smiled at Miss Crabb sweetly. “We have ways of getting the information,” he said. “If you can’t get her to remember, I will make sure she does.”

  “Gah! I’ll get it.” Miss Crabb glanced from left to right. “Who else knows about our plan?”

  “Just us,” hissed Ivan Firensky. “And my darling daughter, of course. I had to warn her that today would be VERY special indeed. A school concert that nobody will ever forget!”

  “Eee-hee-hee! No more horrible children to cook for!” cackled Miss Crabb.

  They both started laughing in an evil way. Neither of them noticed the small nervous face of Rory Snitter, who was hidden behind the bulk of a mean-looking bodyguard, listening to every word.

  Rory ran backstage and grabbed Elspeth, who was tying her shoelaces in double knots in preparation for her escape.

  “Elspeth, there’s something seriously weird going on. If Miss Crabb doesn’t get the recipe from you, Tatiana’s father is going to force you to remember all the ingredients!”

  “Uh-oh,” Elspeth said. “They’re a dangerous combination. What else did you hear?”

  “Not much. Except Ivan Firensky said Tatiana’s the only person who knows about their plan. But whatever they’re going to do today, it sounds bad. Let’s get out of here.”

  “OK,” Elspeth said. She looked around, flustered. “No, wait.”

  “What? Elspeth, hurry up! We need to move!” Rory was starting to panic, Elspeth could tell. Lazlo was hopping up and down on his shoulder.

  “What did Miss Crabb and Ivan Firensky say exactly?” Elspeth asked.

  “Something about … this being a school concert that nobody would forget,” Rory said. “And then Miss Crabb said something about not having to deal with horrible children any more.”

  Elspeth was quiet for a minute.

  “What are they plotting? It’s me they want – they think I’ve got the secret recipe. But it sounds like they’re up to something else, too.” She paused again, thinking hard. “No more horrible children… I think the whole school is in danger. We need to find out what’s really going on.”

  Rory sighed. “We can’t find out – Tatiana will never tell you anything. And the show-offs aren’t your friends… Can’t we just run?”

  “No, we can’t!” Elspeth said. “I know the show-offs are annoying, but Miss Crabb and Ivan Firensky are pure ev
il. We need to put a stop to them.”

  “OK, OK,” Rory said. “Tatiana would tell one of her friends, wouldn’t she? Octavia’s a bit dim – can we get her to help us?”

  “Maybe…” Elspeth thought about it. “Yes, that’s a good idea. We can send Octavia to talk to Tatiana, and get her to report back to us! But first, wait here. I’m going to run to Miss Crabb’s room and get something. Don’t move!”

  Elspeth raced upstairs. She had to go through piles of old porridge-stained blouses and horrible sweaty vests before she found Miss Crabb’s spy camera, wrapped in a dirty cardigan. She ran downstairs with a brilliant idea buzzing round her head.

  “What on earth are you up to?” asked Rory, when Elspeth got back.

  “The camera is so we can record Tatiana without her knowing about it! It’s so small she won’t even know she’s being taped. We’ve just got to work out how Octavia can get Tatiana talking about what her father and Miss Crabb are up to. And this is where I need your help, Rory,” Elspeth said. “Octavia won’t trust me – none of the show-offs do. Can you get her to go and talk to Tatiana?”

  Rory thought for a moment, then nodded. “Leave it with me,” he said, taking the spy camera from Elspeth.

  He hurried down the corridor to the spot where Octavia was practising her tap-dancing routine. “Hello, Octavia, what a nice routine,” Rory said. “May I see that wonderful top hat?”

  Octavia beamed at him as she handed over the hat, and Rory managed to clip on the little spy camera without her noticing a thing.

  “Octavia, I think you might be needed for a special mission,” Rory said.

  Octavia looked excited.

  “It’s Tatiana, you see. She’s feeling a bit nervous. You could go and give her a pep talk! You know – tell her she’s great, ask her about the classes she’s taking next term … that kind of thing.”

  “OK.” Octavia nodded. Then a deep frown creased her pretty forehead. “Tatiana never gets nervous,” she said.

  “Oh, she is today – it’s such a big show!” Rory said, gently steering Octavia towards Tatiana’s dressing room. “You’ll do a super job of cheering her up.”

  Octavia wrinkled her nose then trotted off.

  Elspeth and Rory waited for a second, then followed her. They pressed their ears to the door and listened carefully.

  “Um, hello, Tatiana,” Octavia said eventually.

  “Oh, it’s you,” Tatiana replied in a bored voice. “Do up my ballet shoes for me.”

  There was a long silence.

  “Your hair looks nice,” Octavia said finally.

  “I know,” Tatiana said smugly. “It always does.”

  “So … which classes are you taking next term?” Octavia asked.

  Outside the door, Elspeth and Rory exchanged a worried look. Octavia sounded like a robot. Surely even Tatiana Firensky would realize something was up?

  “Next term? What are you on about?” said Tatiana. She broke into peals of evil chilling laughter. “I won’t be here next term. Ha! But I can’t tell you why. It’s top secret!”

  “Huh?” Octavia said.

  “Oh, I might as well tell you,” Tatiana said, waving a hand in the air. “You’re too pathetic to do anything about it. The secret is … after tonight, this school won’t even exist. Daddy is taking over the place!”

  Tatiana picked up her mirror and looked at herself as she spoke. “Daddy has sold all the stupid pupils to his friend who has a factory in Outer Mongolia. Then he can use the whole school to make vats of Extra-special Sticky Toffee Sauce with Miss Crabb!” Tatiana stroked her shiny hair. “Let’s just say Professor Bombast will be offered a job elsewhere that he can’t resist. He’ll be signing the papers right now, I should think! Ha!”

  “But what will happen to all of us?” Octavia asked.

  Tatiana snorted. “I don’t care. A private plane will take you all away this evening. Your parents will think it’s a school trip, but no one will be coming back! I should think you will work in the factory and be treated like slaves. But I shall be at a special ballet, tap and showing-off school that is opening in New York. So HA!”

  Outside, Elspeth shivered with horror. Ivan Firensky’s plot was even worse than she had thought. But the longer Tatiana spoke for, the better Elspeth’s plan would turn out.

  She listened as Tatiana drivelled on for a bit longer about how stupid all the children and teachers in the school were.

  “Of course Elspeth wasn’t really rescued from a flood,” Tatiana was saying airily. “Daddy told me the whole story yesterday. Miss Crabb kidnapped her. She bashed Elspeth on the head with a baking tray and everything! Isn’t that simply hilarious? AND Miss Crabb thinks Daddy is going to marry her!” Tatiana seemed to find this all highly amusing. “But Daddy is just pretending to love Miss Crabb so he can use her to get the recipe for the Extra-special Sticky Toffee Sauce!”

  “But Elspeth is an orphan,” said Octavia. Her brain wasn’t working fast enough to keep up with all Tatiana’s news. She was still on the bit about Elspeth. “If Miss Crabb doesn’t look after her, who will?”

  “I don’t care, do I?” Tatiana was saying crossly. “It’s about time that stinky little shoe wiper got kicked out.”

  Elspeth froze.

  “Don’t get annoyed!” Rory whispered. “We’ve got exactly what we needed! I’m going in to get the camera right now.”

  He knocked on the door. “Um, Tatiana? A huge cake has been delivered for you,” he called. “A cake with your face on it. But it’ll only fit through the door if Octavia leaves.”

  “Super!” squealed Tatiana. The door flew open and Octavia was shoved out into the hall. Tatiana peered around her. “Where is it?” she asked. “Where’s my cake?”

  “They’re just parking the delivery van,” said Elspeth. She grabbed Octavia’s hand. “Come on! We’d better go and help them, in case they smudge the icing!”

  As soon as they were round the corner, Elspeth unclipped the spy camera from Octavia’s top hat. She dug around in her pocket and found the little cable that would connect it to a computer. “Rory,” she said calmly, “go and pop this in Professor Bombast’s laptop.”

  Professor Bombast had programmed his laptop to show films of himself on a large screen between acts. So far the audience had been treated to Professor Bombast winning an Olympic medal, having breakfast with the queen, and arm-wrestling a polar bear. Some of the scenes looked extremely fake, but nobody said anything.

  Elspeth and Octavia slipped into the back of the hall. There was a lot of fidgeting going on and one man was eating some very noisy crisps.

  But then the large screen on the stage froze. The picture of Professor Bombast doing high-kicks in a karate outfit shuddered and shimmered. And then, very suddenly, the screen went black.

  Elspeth held her breath. “Come on, Rory,” she prayed. “Please make this work.”

  Slowly the screen fizzed to life and a grainy picture appeared. Then a loud, annoying voice sounded. It was Tatiana Firensky. And it was obvious that she had been filmed secretly. The audience sat up.

  After tonight, this school won’t even exist. Daddy is taking over the place!

  Elspeth hardly dared to look around the hall. Everyone’s eyes were fixed on the screen. There was total silence, apart from the sound of Tatiana’s voice.

  A private plane will take you all away this evening. Your parents will think it’s a school trip, but no one will be coming back! … Daddy is just pretending to love Miss Crabb so he can use her to get the recipe for the Extra-special Sticky Toffee Sauce!

  And just as Elspeth squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath, there was a low murmur in the room. It was the sound of a lot of people getting angry. And gradually, it turned into a ROAR.

  All the journalists and Very Important People started shouting and demanding answers. The TV presenters leaped up and started to report from right in front of the stage.

  Professor Bombast looked furious. He strode towards Ivan Firen
sky. Ivan Firensky roared for his bodyguards, but nobody came. He decided to make a run for it as a lot of angry parents started hitting him with popcorn and sweets.

  “You can’t get away with this, Firensky!” shrieked one lady, waving her walking stick.

  Meanwhile, Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash were making a dash for the exit.

  I say “making a dash”, dear reader, because it sounds quite dramatic, but it was taking them a while.

  Miss Crabb shoved her way through the crowds of children, jabbing people with her sharp elbows, but Gladys Goulash slowed her down by clinging on to her skirt.

  “Wait for me, you spiky old stick insect!” she yelled.

  Gladys Goulash hated moving quickly. She hadn’t done any exercise since 2006 when she ran away from the scene of a crime, and she wasn’t about to start now.

  Unfortunately for Miss Crabb and Gladys Goulash, the disturbance to the show had seriously upset all the show-offs. Most of them had been sniffling quietly ever since Tatiana had appeared on the screen. And by the time the news about the evil plan broke out, there was full-on blubbering. They were all crying so much that a shiny pool of snot had appeared in the middle of the hall. And did Miss Crabb spot it in time to scoot around it?

  No, dear reader, she did not.

  She slithered and squealed and slid so fast across the snot that her legs shot out from under her and she ended up lying in it face down. Gladys Goulash flew through the air and landed on top of her with a horrible squelching sound.

  Rory stepped forward and prodded them both. “Out for the count,” he said wisely. Lazlo leaped down from his shoulder and bit both Miss Crabb and Miss Goulash on the nose. They didn’t move.

  Elspeth sighed with relief. “Right,” she said, “we need to get out of here at once!”