Peterman_SwitchHour_Gen_Nov2015

by Robyn Peterman

"More thaaaaaan two hours?"

  "No clue."

  "More than three hooooouuuuurs?"

  I bit down on my bottom lip so I didn't shout a spell at him that would permanently destroy his voice box. I was certain it wouldn't go over well with Booboo Yoogu.

  "Willllllll it be soooooon?"

  "Fabio?"

  "Yesssssss, Zelda?"

  "Lick your balls."

  "Reallllllllly?" He was so excited I cringed.

  "Yes really, but get in the back seat. However, if I hear any slurping or purring I will throw your furry ass out of the window and leave you there. Are we clear?"

  "Duuuuuly noted."

  He jumped in the back seat and we had a peaceful ride the rest of the way there.

  ***

  Aunt Hildy's house sat high on a hill and was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It was a white Victorian with a wraparound porch and turrets. Wildflowers covered the grounds and the trees blazed with color. Only a few major drawbacks kept me from screaming with joy at my good fortune.

  For one, it was located in the middle of nowhere. Since we had little to no supplies we trekked to town. The closest town, if you could call it that, was a half an hour away and consisted of Main Street. The town square was dominated by a statue of a cement bear missing one side of his head. The rest of the block included a barbershop, hardware store, gas station and a mom and pop grocery. Awesome—not.

  We made a quick stop at the gas station. I gassed up the Kia with a credit card, probably stolen, that Fabio happened to have and then went into the grocery. I winced at the rotting fruit and vegetables as I headed for the frozen and canned aisles. Ten frozen pizzas, two tubs of ice cream, and fifteen cans of brand-less spaghetti later, I got in line at the checkout behind the hottest guy I'd ever seen.

  What in the hell was the Goddess's gift to women doing in Buttcrack, West Virginia? Maybe this place wasn't so bad. His ass in his jeans was enough to make my mouth water and he smelled like heaven.

  Nine months in the magic pokey were enough to make any girl horny, but this guy was something else. I made a couple of girly sounds hoping to get his attention, but failed—so I touched his butt. Not grabbed—kind of brush-touched accidently on purpose.

  "You could have asked first," a deep sexy voice informed me without even turning around.

  "I'm sorry," I said politely to his back. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

  "You could have requested to cop a feel of my ass." He turned around and I almost dropped to the floor. He wasn't just pretty, he was redonkulous gorgeous. Dark wavy hair, blue eyes, lashes that belonged on a girl, a body to die for and a face that would make the Angels weep. Oh. My. Hell.

  "It was in my way. Consider yourself lucky. I almost slapped it."

  His laugh went all the way to my woowoo. I nearly crushed the can of Spaghettios I was clutching.

  "Well, beautiful girl," he drawled in a Southern accent that made my brain short out, "I'd suggest you watch your ass. If it gets in my way I'll do much more than slap it."

  "Promise?" I challenged.

  He considered me for a long moment and then winked. "Promise."

  I held on to the counter as I watched him walk out of the store and realized I didn't even know his name. Whatever. I didn't need to get into any messy relationship. Hell, I'd never maintained a relationship in my life. I'd always had lots of boyfriends, but the minute it got serious I was out of there. Fast. Plus, I rarely dated mortals. Mr. Fine Ass didn't really look like relationship material. However, he did look like awesome one or two or three night stand material... Crap. I supposed I'd have to grocery shop on a regular basis. I grabbed my bags and went back to my new reality.

  "Diiiiid you get my pasta?" Fabio inquired. He'd moved back to the front seat as he was clearly done attending to his gonads.

  "Yep."

  "Annnnd fresh tomatoes, baaaaasil and garlic?"

  "Yep." He'd find out soon enough he was going to be eating Spaghettios. That was the price he'd have to pay for cleaning his Johnson for three hours, plus the fresh stuff would have killed him more certainly than my car had. "You ready to check out our new digs?"

  "Asssss ready as I'll ever beeeeeee," he said with disgust.

  "I'm not really buying that you didn't know Hildy," I said dryly. "You seem to be having an awful lot of issues here."

  "It's heeeeer reputation," he shot back. "I don't liiiike this."

  "Well buddy, neither do I, but if I don't figure out why I'm here Buttcrack Yoogiemamma will turn me into a mortal on Halloween. So we're going to the house and we are going to fucking like it. You got it?"

  "Yesssssss," he answered morosely. "Gotttt it."

  Chapter 4

  "Oh my Goddess," I screeched. "What's not to like?"

  The house was as beautiful on the inside as it was on the outside. Overstuffed comfy furniture and Persian rugs covered shiny hardwood floors. Windows stretched from the floor to the ceiling and the house was bathed with autumn sunshine. The ornate crown molding was divine and the stone fireplace was to die for. The kitchen table was a distressed oak and seated at least twelve. The appliances were top of the line and there was a fully stocked wine fridge. Aunt Hildy was all right in my book.

  Upstairs consisted of seven bedrooms, all with king-sized beds and gorgeous down quilts. The colors were calming and comfortable. However, foremost in my mind was how she died. That thought did not calm me.

  "Hey Fabio, I'm coming back downstairs. If you're licking your sack you better stop now," I warned. I thought it was very kind of me to give him a heads up. He was lounging on the sofa looking very guilty.

  "Hiiiiiiiii," he said with an embarrassed chuckle.

  I decided to ignore his obsession with his dangly bits and move on to more important matters. "Do you have any idea how Aunt Hildy died?"

  He sat silently and stared.

  "Do you like your testes?" I asked politely.

  "Yesssssss."

  "Then start talking, feline."

  "It is unknoooooown, but her body is missing," he replied warily.

  "You know this from my file?" I inquired.

  "Possssssibly."

  "Um, she was a witch I assume…"

  "Don't assssssume. Makes an asssssss out of youuuu and meeeeee."

  "Oh my Goddess," I bellowed and accidently set a table on fire with my fury. "Was she a witch or not?" I quickly chanted a water spell to put out the flames before I burned my new house down.

  "Yesssssss."

  Now we were getting somewhere. "Did she break Council laws?"

  "Not as far as I knooooow. I have told you alllllll that was in the fiiiile."

  I wasn't sure I believed him, but it would do for now. "I wonder where her body is."

  "In Helllllll?"

  "All right," I yelled. "Give it up, you little shit. You knew her. Didn't you?"

  "Fiiiiine. Yes, I kneeeeeew her, but I haven't seeeeen her in years."

  "How many?" I demanded.

  "A huuuundred or so."

  That shut me up. I had no freakin' clue cats lived so long. "How old are you?"

  "Two hundred and threeeeeeeeee."

  "Were you her familiar?"

  "Nooooooooooooooo, absolutely not," he huffed indignantly.

  "So you do know what her job was." I approached him and he backed away. Blue and pink flames whipped up my arms. I was pissed. He was my damn cat and he was supposed to let me know what was what. "Spit it out."

  "Gooooo to the basement. Youuuuuu will see."

  "There's a basement?"

  "There's aaaaaaa baaaasement."

  ***

  There was definitely a basement and it was creepy. It was all cement cinderblock and lined with huge empty dog kennels. Did she raise Saint Bernards? I mean, what the hell? A family of four could have lived in each of the cages. There had to be at least twenty.

  A large rectangular metal table sat in the middle of the room and was stacked high with clean blankets an
d pillows. An array of clothing in every size imaginable was in labeled bins beneath the long table. Toiletries filled several more bins. One kennel was filled with winter coats, hats, gloves, and boots.

  Confusion didn't even begin to cover what was running through my brain. Did she keep prisoners down here? Was she a mad scientist who experimented on humans and then dressed them warmly and sent them on their way?

  I glanced around and looked for instruments of torture, but only found a couple of first aid kits. The pieces did not fit and I had no clue what this room was for. The cat was going to talk or he was going to lose his 'nads.

  Of course the cat was gone. I was going to kill him so dead when I found him. How was I supposed to figure out what I was supposed to do? There was no way I was going to let Bushy Yuba turn me mortal on Halloween.

  A note—maybe Aunt Hildy had left me a note with instructions on it.

  I ransacked the entire house for two hours and came up empty-handed. However, I did discover Aunt Hildy was anally organized and wore a size six. That kind of sucked because I was a four and she had some expensive shit. She did have a bizarre collection of tote bags. I grinned as I went through them, my favorite had to be the one reading You Only Get Out What You Put Into It. Weird.

  Depressed and no closer to knowing anything, I dropped down on the smooshy couch and cried. At least I was wearing awesome clothes. I didn't think I could take it if I was still clad in orange. Glancing around through my tears, I realized Aunt Hildy didn't have a TV or even a radio. I was tempted to wiggle my nose and conjure up a massive flat screen, but that would be using magic for my own gain. I was fairly sure that was a big no-no.

  Exhausted from the drive and pissed at Fabio, I laid back on the couch and closed my eyes. I'd eat later. I needed to sleep. When my head was clear I'd kill the cat and figure out the mystery. However, sleep was impossible with all the racket the damn cat was making on the front porch. How did something so small sound like a herd of elephants?

  I stomped to the porch, ready to let him have it. "Fabio, what the hell are you…"

  Holy crap on a stick, it wasn't Fabio at all. The porch was crowded with animals. Injured animals—bleeding, injured animals. WTF? They all looked at me with fear in their eyes and my stomach sunk to my toes. Shit, was Hildy a wild animal vet? I didn't really like animals that much. I'd even killed my cat. I couldn't take care of a bunch of smelly, bleeding animals.

  "Go. Go home," I ordered. "Aunt Hildy died and you guys stink. I have a very active gag reflex and this isn't working for me."

  They looked at me like I had three heads and not one of them moved an inch. Son of a bitch. Fairly sure they weren't going to eat me, I slumped down on the steps and dropped my head into my hands. A little wet nose nudged me and gently licked my face. The breath was horrid, but the gesture was sweet. He was a small baby raccoon with huge brown eyes and he was cute.

  "Hi," I whispered and scratched his head. He made little chattering noises and my stupid heart melted. "You guys should go. I have no clue what you want or need."

  I looked around to see all the other guests. There was a mother raccoon, a bear, a deer, a beaver and a skunk. I jumped up and backed away. There was no way I was going to get sprayed. I only had one set of clothing unless Fabio showed his bastard ass back up and I was not going to smell like skunk ass. Period.

  "If you blow your stinker off, I will fry you where you stand. Do you understand me?"

  The skunk nodded his little head and I almost passed out. Did the little stinkbomb maker understand me? Was that even possible? Was it because I was a witch? I'd never heard of that before, but what the hell did I know? I'd skipped most of my classes in magic school. I was too busy shopping and partying. Damn it, bad move on my part.

  "Look, guys," I said as I walked back to the front door. "I can't help you. You smell bad and you're animals. I have to figure out how my aunt died and probably who killed her. You dudes have to go."

  The tiny raccoon chattered and scampered around my feet. Blood dripped from a wound on the back of his head. What had happened to these animals?

  "Shit," I muttered. "All right… all you fuckers get in a straight line and I'll fix you a little."

  They quickly formed a line, further evidence they could understand me. This of course freaked me out so I decided to ignore it.

  Sucking in a cleansing breath I let the magic take me. Again, as it happened earlier with Fabio the nut licker, purple flames engulfed my upper body. I giggled as they tickled my nose. I wanted to hold on to the flames and bask in them, but there were a bunch of odoriferous wounded furry things staring at me with wonder.

  Shit. Being good sucked.

  Grudgingly, I let go and let the purple mist bathe the hairy bodies of my visitors. The sighs, chattering, yips and happy growls actually made me feel kind of nice, but not nice enough to hang out with the zoo on my porch.

  "Okay, outta here. I did my thing—now you have to go," I told them as I walked into the house.

  I didn't look back. If that damn little raccoon made eye contact I was liable to invite them all in and that was so not happening.

  "Have a good life," I muttered as I shut the door firmly behind me and locked it.

  I was tired and hungry. I had also depleted myself magically. For not having used magic in nine months, I'd just used a ton fixing the hairball brigade. All I wanted to do was fall asleep in front of the TV watching Project Runway but I couldn't even do that. How in the hell did someone live in this day and age without a damn TV?

  I skipped eating, climbed the stairs and threw myself down on the first bed I came to. Tomorrow would be a new day. I could figure out what I was to do and if Fabio came back, maybe I could trick him into conjuring up a TV.

  I smiled as I snuggled into the fluffy comforter.

  I'd solve all the world's problems tomorrow.

  Chapter 5

  Bright morning sunlight poured through the window and singed my half-shut eyeballs. I rolled over with a grumpy moan only to come face-to-balls with Fabio.

  "Is there a reason your scrotum is in my face?" I spat as I sat up quickly and moved to the other side of the bed.

  "Gooooood morning to youuuuu too," Fabio said as he stretched his skinny kitty frame.

  "It's not a good morning and where the hell did you go last night?"

  "I had a feeew errands to run and theeen I wasssss checking the area for femaaaale cats," he informed me.

  "And did you find any?" I asked, even though it was a question I had no desire to have answered.

  "Niiiiine." He was positively giddy and I was positively nauseous.

  All the things I considered saying were so foul and rude, I actually held my tongue for a full ten seconds.

  "Well, I hope you used protection. The last thing we need is a bunch of little ball-licking Fabios running around," I muttered.

  I rolled out of bed and landed in a pile of the most fabulous clothes and shoes I'd ever seen.

  "Oh my Goddess," I squealed. "Are these for me?"

  "Do youuuuu liiike?" he asked excitedly.

  "Oh my hell, I love!"

  There had to be at least six pairs of low rise Max Midnight jeans and a Max mini skirt. Loads of camisoles, sheer tops, vintage t-shirts and gorgeous cashmere sweaters with the price tags still on them exploded out of designer bags.

  And the shoes… platform Pradas and kick ass motorcycle boots. I was in heaven. Not to mention the cat hadn't skimped on the undergarments either. Fleur of England panties, thongs and bras in every color imaginable. If the feline kept this up I might end up loving him after all. Shallow? Yes, but at the moment I didn't care.

  "You did this for me?"

  "I want you to be haaaappy, and you are sooooo pretttty you deserve loooovely things," he said quietly.

  His words hit me hard. I sat back and stared with dismay at the beautiful clothes.

  "I don't deserve any of this. You seem to have forgotten I smooshed you with a car. I've been shi
tty to you while you insist on being nice. It makes me feel horrid."

  I fingered a camel-colored cashmere sweater longingly, but I knew what I had to do. I dropped my head between my knees and gulped in air so I didn't puke. Doing the right thing sucked ass. Big time.

  "Take them all back. I'll just wear the clothes I have on," I gasped out in pain.

  "Noooo can doooo," Fabio said as he whipped up a little magic and all the price tags disappeared from the garments. "The taaags are gone and I peeeeed on the receipt. Smeeeelllls awful. You willl have to keep these things or I will get arrrrrrrrrested."

  "Did you steal them?" I asked, watching him closely.

  "Not exxxactly," he hedged. "I'm juuust unsure if the credit card I used was cooompletely legal."

  "Wait." I shook my head and tried to figure this out. "Did you go to a store as a cat and buy this stuff?"

  "Um, no. I speeellled a woman in Paris and she bought them for meeeeee," he explained as if it was the most logical thing in the world.

  "You went to freakin' Paris last night? How in the hell did you get to Paris and back? Not to mention the little fact you defiled nine cats in eight hours?"

  He was so full of shit.

  "I transsssported."

  "Familiars can't transport without their witches." I raised my eyebrows and waited for his next line of crap.

  "I caaaaaaan."

  I narrowed my eyes and stared him down. What kind of familiar was he? Was he even a familiar at all?

  Did he gain super powers when he came back from the dead?

  Was he a spy for Bundtcake Yaga?

  Should I pursue this line of thinking or did I enjoy my windfall?

  Goddess, decisions were hard. I sucked in another huge breath and made my choice. I was absolutely positive it was the wrong choice, but I decided to stand by it.

  "Because I don't want you to get arrested I will keep the clothes. I'd like to go on record and say I don't buy your story, but I will be bitchier than normal if I have to wear the same outfit for a month. So again, I am keeping the clothes for your safety."

  "Woooonderful," he purred and rubbed his stubbly little head along my arm. "Gooooo and shower. I will whiiiiip up some breakfaaast."