Promised to the Crusader

by Anne Herries

  ‘When my interview with the King was done, I rode to meet them, but the sight that met my eyes…men, women and children dead or dying. My men were lost to reason and continued to kill and burn though I ordered them to stop and the village burned around us. God forgive me that I could not stop them…’ he cried. He had forgot that Elaine was there, did not see her as he relived the awful pain and smelled the stench of burning—and the tears trickled down his cheeks unheeded. ‘In the end I had to punish them for their senseless destruction…I had to order my friend hanged for disobeying my orders. He looked at me as they took him away and I saw the disbelief and hurt in his eyes…but I had to show them that I would not allow them to behave like savages…it was my duty.’

  ‘Oh, my love, my love…’ Zander sensed rather than knew that soft arms held him as his body was racked with shudders. ‘You did not know what would happen…it was a terrible mistake, but it was not your fault.’

  For a moment he allowed himself the comfort of her arms, but then he pushed her away and turned his back. When he faced her again he had himself under control.

  ‘Now you know the beast that lives inside me, Elaine. You know what I have done. I am forever tainted, shamed by that day. It is for that reason and that alone I say I am not worthy of your love.’

  ‘I do not pretend that I am not shocked and hurt by what you have told me,’ she answered calmly, though tears stained her cheeks also. ‘Yet I do not hold you to blame for what you did. In war these terrible mistakes can happen. You followed your orders, as a knight must, that is all.’

  ‘You can still bear to look at me?’

  ‘Yes.’ Elaine did not smile, but she reached out to touch his hand. ‘I do not turn from the scars you bear—inside or out, my lord.’

  ‘And you would still wed me?’

  ‘Yes.’ She stood straight and proud, her eyes meeting his. He did not know whether she spoke from pride or love. ‘I am ready to wed you.’

  Zander knew that he could not refuse her now. If she would take him, knowing him for what he was, then he must honour his promise. To do anything less would be to dishonour both her and himself. He was not worthy of her, but he would strive to be a better man. Perhaps God had not turned His face from him, perhaps there was yet hope that he could be redeemed.

  ‘You speak of a child killed and blame yourself,’ she said, ‘but I remember the child you saved when we were younger. Have you forgot what happened that day?’

  He frowned, not understanding her. ‘I am not certain of what you speak, Elaine?’

  ‘I was a child of eleven and you but a youth. Do you not recall the child that played by the river and fell in? You had been practising with your bow when we heard his screams.’

  He frowned, for other memories had pushed out the earlier time. ‘I remember the river was swollen after much rain and the banks slippery. Yes, I do recall something now.’

  ‘You threw off your boots and jerkin and dived in after him. I think it took all your strength to pull him from that raging torrent to the banks. You could not lift him out, but several others had seen what was happening and they came to haul him out.’

  Zander nodded as the memory returned, ‘I remember they stood looking at him. He was not breathing at first, but I breathed into his mouth and then turned him on his side and he vomited water.’

  ‘He spluttered and choked, but you saved him, Zander—you saved that boy’s life. He would have died had you not gone in after him at some risk to your own life.’

  ‘I did not consider it…’

  ‘You were a hero to the village people that day. I think such a man would never stand by and see a child killed if he could prevent it.’

  ‘You are determined to see only the good in me,’ he said, a faint smile on his lips.

  ‘Whatever happened that day in the Holy Land—whatever you were forced to do in the name of justice—you are still the man I loved. I could never think evil of you, Zander.’

  He looked at her in silence for a moment. She had not seen what he’d seen. If she had witnessed the carnage, smelled the stink of death and blood, she would not so easily dismiss his guilt, but he found that he did not have the strength to deny her. He wanted her more than his life and if she would have him, he would take the gift she offered…though one day he might see that shining belief turn to horror.

  ‘Then we shall marry,’ he said. ‘Yet I would ask you to wait until I have dealt with Newark. I must give all the strength and purpose I have to becoming the warrior I once was—and to the challenge I must issue to our mutual enemy. If I allowed myself to be distracted…’

  ‘Of course.’ Elaine almost smiled, but not quite. ‘It will give us both time to become adjusted to our…thoughts.’

  She turned and walked from the chamber, leaving behind the scent of her hair and her skin to haunt him. For a moment he stood unmoving, then he dropped his loincloth and walked to the bed, picking up a tunic and pulling it over his head. Even here the scent of her clung, making him acutely aware of a need that had been growing embarrassingly beneath his loincloth. Despite everything that had passed between them, Zander had been conscious of his burning desire to have her naked in his bed.

  So, she would be his wife, even knowing it all—but had she spoken out of pride or impulse? Would she begin to regret once she had time to think and would she feel revulsion when the realisation of what he’d done began to sink in?

  Elaine was still shaking when she closed the door of her chamber and leaned against it. She did not know how she’d managed to conceal her trembling from him. What he’d told her was so terrible that it brought vivid pictures to her mind, making it whirl in horror. She could almost hear the screams Zander must hear in his dreams and smell the awful stink of blood.

  How could he bear such torture? How could he live while such a sin lay on his soul and not seek God’s forgiveness? Only then would he find peace again. He needed the cleansing of the Lord’s mercy, but he refused to seek it and claimed there was no true god.

  Yet in her heart she carried the picture of a young man who thought nothing of his own safety when a small boy was in danger of drowning. It was true that he had seen and done things that had changed him, but surely deep down inside he was the same man?

  That man would never allow a child to be slaughtered intentionally. Whatever had happened that terrible day, he had not been to blame. She could see that he felt a terrible guilt because he had caused his friend to be punished for allowing the slaughter of innocents against his orders—but there were times when a man had no choice but to uphold justice.

  His sin could be forgiven. God would give him peace—but could he ever forgive himself?

  Elaine felt her doubts ease. She wanted to return and tell him she understood…to tell him that she truly loved him…but she held back.

  Zander would not want her to cling to him. He had to be strong. He needed to regain all his strength to fight their mutual enemy—but then he would return to her and claim her as his bride.

  They held a feast for the village people that night. Several more rows of trestle tables filled the hall so that everyone might sit and eat. The servants took it in turns to serve the tables and then took their places to join in the celebrations. Halfway through the evening, the guards on the stout battlements were changed and the men came in from the cold to eat their fill and enjoy their ease.

  Once again there was music from the fiddler and dancing, but this time it was the country reels and carols that Elaine knew and understood. She joined in some of the dances, laughing to see her people so happy and looking to Zander for approval. He nodded and smiled, but then turned away to talk to Sir Robert.

  Elaine felt a foolish prick of pain. She had hoped that now they had spoken so frankly he would smile more and look at her with love, but still she saw only the proud cold face he showed to the world. He wanted her and he had told her they would be married, but where was the love and tenderness that had meant so much to her?
r />   Why must he shut her out? Did he need the barrier that he had built about himself to remain strong? If she tried to break it down, would she weaken him? She turned away, joining in the fun of the dance once more. She would not let herself be hurt. Elaine would hold fast to her love, even if she saw no sign of it being returned.

  Alone in her bed that night she had wept a little, but in the morning her tears were gone. Once again she rose filled with zeal. There were tasks that needed to be done to make the house a home, but it was mostly needlework and genteel occupations. She dressed in a gown of blue wool and bound her waist with a wide belt of woven silver that ended in tassels of the same thread bound with glass beads. The counting of linen had resulted in the discovery of torn sheets and hangings, some of which ought to be discarded while others could be repaired.

  Setting her ladies to work on some of the linen, Elaine chose a hanging that needed some repair before it could be used again. She selected her silks, sorting the colours into shades of light and dark, and then began the work.

  It was almost half an hour later when her steward came to announce the arrival of a guest.

  ‘Lord Stornway, Marshal to the King, my lady.’

  ‘Lord Stornway is here now?’ Elaine laid her needlework to one side and rose to her feet. ‘Where is Lord Zander?’

  ‘He rode out with some of his men not thirty minutes since, lady.’

  ‘Then I must welcome the King’s Marshal in his stead,’ Elaine said. She glanced at her ladies. ‘You have worked long enough. Tidy these things away and then you may seek some refreshment yourselves.’ To the steward she said, ‘Bring wine and comfits to us in the hall, Elgin.’

  ‘Yes, my lady.’

  Elaine went down the twisting stone steps that led to the hall below her solar. She had half expected Lady Anne would have accompanied her brother, but Philip was alone. He turned as she came up to him, a smile of welcome on his lips.

  ‘I have not called at an inconvenient moment?’

  ‘No, my lord—how could you?’ She held out her hands to him with a smile. ‘You know that you must always be welcome here. Zander sent you word of what took place here?’

  ‘Yes. I am glad that my standard was instrumental in the surrender of your manor with little or no bloodshed.’

  ‘I was thankful for it. Had we been forced to hold them to siege, my people might have suffered. That would have caused me some distress.’

  ‘I should never wish to see you in distress, lady.’ He had her hands in his and leaned forwards to lightly touch his lips to her cheek. ‘I admire you very much, Elaine.’

  Elaine did not flinch away, though her cheeks burned. The look in his eyes was almost intimate and she wondered if she had been wise to greet him alone. He was Zander’s friend, but he was also a man—an unmarried man. She liked him and was grateful for his kindness, but the look he gave her was too warm for friendship.

  She moved away from him towards the fire and pulled the rope hanging there, which set a bell pealing. Servants appeared with wine and trays of almond comfits and pastries. They set their trays on trestles and withdrew, but the moment of awkwardness had passed. Lord Stornway had remembered that she was the chatelaine of her own manor—and promised to his friend.

  ‘How do you settle here, Lady Elaine? Is there aught you need that we might supply?’

  ‘We have most of what we need—I have investigated our stores. We shall need more preserves for the winter, but my ladies and I will supply that lack—though we must send to Shrewsbury for supplies of sugar. I dare say it will be costly, more than six silver pennies a cone, but I prefer its use to honey. I have not yet enquired how the hives do here. In my mother’s time they produced enough honey for all our needs, but I am not sure how they do now.’

  ‘Anne’s hives thrive. If you need fresh blood in yours, I am certain she could find you a healthy queen. It is the queen that makes or breaks the hive, do you not agree?’

  ‘Yes, I am sure of it,’ Elaine said. ‘I think Lady Anne keeps your house well, my lord.’

  ‘She is an excellent housekeeper and would make a wonderful wife, but she is too particular and will not settle for any knight I have brought before her, though…’ Philip looked thoughtful. ‘Just this morning she told me she might one day decide to seek her own life and that I should think of taking a wife.’

  Elaine did not dare to meet his eyes. Was he testing her? Surely Zander had made her position clear? He must know that she was promised to his friend?

  Her breathing was shallow, for she did not know how to answer him. Even as she framed the words in her mind, Zander strode into the hall and came towards them.

  ‘Did you send word of your coming?’ he asked. ‘I was not told or I should have been here to greet you. Forgive me for my discourtesy, Philip.’

  ‘Your lady hath made me welcome,’ Philip said and smiled at her in a way she found too intimate. ‘I rode this way and decided to call by chance. Is all well here?’

  ‘Yes,’ Zander said. ‘I had meant to send word, but we were short of meat and I went hunting this morning. We were lucky and took a boar and a hind within a short distance of the house and so returned with our supper. Will you stay and dine with us? I had intended to invite you and Lady Anne to share my betrothal feast two days hence.’

  ‘So it is settled, then?’

  Elaine saw a shadow of disappointment on the lord’s face. He’d known they were to marry, but had hoped her plans might change—had he sensed the distance between her and Zander while they stayed at Stornway?

  There was no sign of his disappointment as he smiled at Elaine. ‘Anne and I will be delighted to join you for your feast, but, no, I shall not stay now as I am expected home and would not cause my sister anxiety. I came only to enquire if there was anything you needed.’

  ‘Nothing—unless you have news of Newark?’

  ‘I have heard nothing of him at all,’ Philip said. ‘I am told his Majesty may soon be released. The ransom has been paid—or it was arranged so, though as yet no further news has come.’

  ‘Richard will need all his knights about him when he returns to England,’ Zander said. ‘I think Prince John would prevent it if he could.’

  ‘Hush, you speak treason, my friend,’ Philip said. ‘It is true, but we must tread carefully. John is ruler here until Richard sets foot on English soil.’

  ‘Come, let me see you out,’ Zander said and the two men walked to the door. ‘You will let me know if you hear anything—of Newark or his Majesty’s return…’

  Elaine stood stiff and stunned as they walked away. Zander had hardly glanced at her and yet he’d invited Lord Stornway and Lady Anne to join them at their betrothal feast. He had said nothing of the feast or a betrothal to her privately and his lack of courtesy made her angry. How dare he treat her in so casual a fashion? Their marriage was something she would expect to discuss, but he treated it as if it were merely a matter of business.

  True, she had told him that she would wed him and that her love held fast, but he’d made no attempt to court or consult her and she was hurt that he should behave in such a high-handed way.

  Did he imagine that she had no feelings?

  Leaving the hall, she held her head high, but inside she was seething. The least he might have done was to tell her of his plans.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘Lord Zander asks why you do not come to table, my lady,’ Marion said, looking puzzled. ‘Are you ill? Would you have me serve you here in your chamber?’

  ‘I am not hungry,’ Elaine said. ‘Tell my lord that I have been waiting to hear from him what he requires of me.’

  ‘Surely—’ Marion was silenced by a flash of Elaine’s eyes and went away without another word.

  Elaine stood at her slitted window and stared out at a sky that was bright with stars. She had begun to count them when she heard the step she had been waiting for, yet still she did not turn.

  ‘Why do you not come to supper, Elaine?’ />
  ‘I was not sure what you required of me,’ she answered, but did not turn.

  ‘What nonsense is this?’ he asked gruffly and took her shoulders, swinging her round to face him. ‘You are mistress here—you do not need me to tell you what is required of you. The men are hungry and waiting for their supper—but unless you send to say you will not dine with us they must wait.’

  Elaine gazed up at him. ‘I thought you made the decisions concerning such things,’ she said defiantly. ‘You invited Lord Stornway to our betrothal feast.’

  ‘Good grief, Elaine—is that what this is all about?’ Zander frowned at her. ‘You said you were prepared to wed me so I thought we would hold a betrothal feast before I left.’

  Her heart caught instantly, her irritation at his high-handed behaviour dissolving in sudden fear for him. ‘You are leaving soon?’

  ‘In a few days, soon after the feast. We are trying to locate Newark.’

  ‘But you are not yet strong enough,’ she cried, forgetting her annoyance. ‘If you challenge him too soon, he will destroy you.’

  ‘I cannot hide here for ever. I am growing stronger every day. Besides, the challenge must be lodged in the proper manner—and if I do not issue it before Richard returns it may be too late. He will forbid his knights to quarrel amongst themselves.’

  ‘Is that why you announced our betrothal without consulting me first?’

  ‘Yes, in part…’ Zander frowned. ‘I saw the way Philip Stornway looked at you. I thought I could not have made myself clear to him, so I asked Philip and Anne to our betrothal feast.’ His gaze narrowed, becoming intent on her face. ‘Did I do wrong—have you changed your mind? I know that Philip was struck by your beauty when we stayed at his home. I think he hoped he had misunderstood my intentions.’

  Elaine nodded. ‘Yes, he did look at me…but I made it clear…’ Her cheeks flamed. ‘You could not think that I would change my mind?’

  ‘Why not? He bears no scars, physical or mental. He is a gentler, more fitting knight. I could not blame you if you preferred to wed him, Elaine.’