by Cassia Leo
“Reese? What’s wrong?”
“I tried calling you, but you had your phone off.”
“What’s going on?”
She sniffled as she took a moment to compose herself. “Dad had a stroke last night. He’s at the stroke center at UCSF Medical Center. Luke, you need to come.”
“I’m on my way.” I hung up the phone and sank down onto the sofa.
Sixty-one fucking years old…. He was supposed to have more time. We were supposed to have more time to make things right.
I immediately thought of Brina and what she said this morning about regret. She was right. She probably already had plans today and I couldn’t really ask her to go with me to visit my dad in the hospital. That would be awkward for her. But she needed to go to San Francisco. I could see it in her eyes every time the subject was broached. There was something there that she needed to confront more than any bullshit I needed to own up to with my dad.
I called Brina and she picked up immediately.
“Hello?” she whispered, and I imagined she was probably in line at Starbucks.
Brina had a thing about answering the phone in public. She thought it was rude. This wasn’t something I worried about since the only time I kept my phone on was at work or when I wasn’t with Brina.
“Brina, I’m leaving for San Francisco right now. My dad had a stroke last night.”
“Oh, my God!” she said, but this time she didn’t whisper. “Oh, my God. Are you okay? Do you want me to go with you?”
“I would love for you to come with me.”
She was silent for a moment and I imagined she was just now sensing the gravity of her offer. I could hear movement. Maybe she was leaving Starbucks.
“Brina?”
“I’m here.”
The movement continued. She was walking.
“Brina, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”
I heard her keys jingle then the alarm on her car beeped. “I’m on my way home to change.”
“Wait. Are you at the Starbucks on Third? I’ll pick you up. Sorry, but I don’t have time to drive all the way to your house then back to the airport.”
“But I’m wearing your T-shirt and my dirty jeans from yesterday.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
I hung up before she could protest, snatched the keys out of the bowl in the foyer, and took off. When I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot she was leaning against her car with her arms crossed over her chest, which was buried under my T-shirt. I pulled into the space next to her and she immediately hopped into the passenger seat. Her face was pale, even through the layer of face powder she had obviously just applied.
“Are you sure you’re ready to go back there?”
I didn’t know what it felt like to lose someone I was so close to and I still marveled every day at her ability to hold it together.
She closed her eyes and nodded.
“The last thing I want to do is force you to face something you’re not ready to face. It’s only been eight months. It’s totally understandable if you still need more time. I promise I won’t be upset.”
She kept her eyes closed and her head bowed as she spoke. “I need to go back there. I need to put that… that darkness behind me.” She paused and I could hear the pain thickening her throat. “I still think about it every day.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know. I think about… about doing it. I think about taking that leap.”
I gritted my teeth against the swell of emotion building inside me as I imagined my life without Brina.
“I’m not taking you.”
“I’m going. I need to go.”
“You think I’m taking you there after what you just told me? I don’t think you understand what it would do to me if I lost you. And you’re crazy if you think I’m going to take that kind of chance.”
I reached across her and opened the passenger door, but the hurt in her eyes as she watched me stopped my heart.
“Fuck,” I whispered, as I pulled the door closed. “I’m sorry, but it would be very irresponsible of me not to take what you just said seriously.”
“I said I want to go because I want to put it behind me.”
She stared at her hands as she spoke and it made me nervous. I wanted to believe her, but I needed to be certain I wasn’t handing her a loaded gun.
“Brina, look at me.”
She sighed as she continued to stare at her clasped hands in her lap.
“Brina, look into my eyes and promise me you won’t leave my side if I take you to San Francisco.”
She finally looked up and the tears finally spilled over and down her cheeks, leaving tracks in her face powder. I took her face in my hands and brushed her tears away from her smooth skin.
“I need you with me.” I pulled her face to me, my eyes locked on her so she knew how serious I was. “Promise me you will not leave my side.”
6: BRINA
This was the first time I had admitted this to anyone. I hadn’t even told Jill. As far as she knew, those feelings that carried me across that bridge had dissipated with the San Francisco fog. But they were still there. Every day. And this was the first time I had spoken this unbearable truth aloud.
Luke held my face in his strong hands and I could feel the urgency in his words. I gazed into his eyes and my throat nearly closed as I realized what I had just admitted to him. But he didn’t recoil from me in fear or disgust the way I had expected anyone who knew this would. And that, above all else, is what made me realize I could never leave this world behind.
No matter how hopeless I felt. No matter how many times I blamed myself for the nightmare my parents had been living. No matter how hard I wished to forget what I saw behind the VA hospital eight months ago. No matter how many times I gazed into a bruised and blackened sky and imagined myself being carried away into the ether where none of these memories could haunt me. No matter what… I could never leave Luke behind.
“Take me with you. I won’t leave your side.”
He let out a deep sigh as he pulled my face closer so our noses were touching. “I need to know this kind of stuff. When you’re under water, I want to be there to pull you out. You understand?”
I nodded and he pressed his lips softly to my forehead. He pulled back and looked into my eyes for a moment before he planted a soft kiss on my lips.
As he drove us to the airport, I couldn’t help but wonder how many times I’d been saved over the past eight months. Every day, someone or something had saved me from committing an unimaginable act of cruelty on my parents. Sometimes it was something as simple as hearing a song I loved. Other times it was a smile from a stranger on a bridge. Many times it was the patience of the most incredible friend a girl could hope for. And now it was the love of a man I hardly felt I deserved.
I’d been saved hundreds, possibly thousands, of times this year. It was about time I started showing some appreciation.
The car picked us up curbside at San Francisco International and at first I was surprised not to see Luke driving. Then I remembered that he hadn’t been to San Francisco in years. There was no need for him to have a car here like the one he had in Las Vegas.
“Tell me the real reason you haven’t seen your father in so many years.”
He glanced at the back of the driver’s head and seemed to decide he couldn’t use the driver’s presence as an excuse because he quickly turned to face me. “I told my mom about his mistress.” He looked straight through me as he continued. “Me and some friends thought we were so fucking cool cracking my parents’ passwords. We got into my mom’s email and made a bunch of jokes about coupon codes before we broke into my dad’s and I lost my shit. He was living a double life and my mom didn’t deserve that so I showed her everything.”
“And they’re still together?”
“You don’t understand; my mom’s not strong like you.”
I pressed my lips into a hard line
“She left him for two weeks and while she was gone he threatened to arrest me for possession if I didn’t get the fuck out. He would never have done it if she were there and by the time she came back he had already made up this bullshit story about how he’d caught me smoking dope and he had to either kick me out or arrest me because I almost killed my sister while under the influence.”
“Fuck,” I whispered, as I realized this was the man we were about to see; the man who was possibly dying. I was beginning to understand how Luke could hold a twelve-year grudge against him. “Your mom believed him?”
“My mom was never anything but a stay-at-home mom. She was terrified of being alone.”
“My mom’s the same; never had a job other than taking care of Ryan and me, which is why I was helping them out for so long.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, financially. That’s why I had to move in with them. All the money I should have been saving while working at NeoSys went straight to them. My father was laid off four years ago. Their retirement savings is gone. I thought you knew this.”
“I knew you were helping them out, but I didn’t think the situation was that serious. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why would I tell you?”
He gave me an are-you-crazy look.
“Don’t look at me like that. You fired me, and with good cause. You know what, we shouldn’t even be talking about this. Money is the last thing I want to talk about with you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I don’t want your money. I never wanted your money. And I definitely don’t want to talk about this.”
I could see the muscles in his jaw working as he bit back an angry response. “Fine. We’ll talk about it later.”
“Not later. Not ever.”
“We’ll talk about it later.”
I rolled my eyes and turned my gaze toward the dark glass of the car window as we passed the Botanical Gardens on Lincoln. I had to keep myself from telling him he could burn his money for all I cared. Luke didn’t need my impertinence right now. He needed my support. And I needed a stiff drink if I was going to get through this.
The driver left us at the entrance to the stroke center.
“Oh, no!” I cried, as the car drove off.
“What? Did you leave your purse?” Luke asked, looking set to chase after the car.
“No! Oh, crap. I forgot I was supposed to meet Jill for dinner tonight. I have to call—wait….” My mind started working in matchmaker-mode as I realized Jill and Milo were both going to show up at the restaurant tonight without me. Finally, a bright spark of hope in this misery tunnel.
“You can call her. I’ll wait.”
“No, no, it’s fine. She’ll figure it out and text me later. Let’s go inside.”
Luke looked tense as he waited for me to enter ahead of him through the automatic sliding doors. I stepped into the corridor and immediately became enveloped by the unmistakable odor of industrial hospital cleaner. Suddenly, the memory hit me like a train barreling over me.
Ryan stepped out of the office into the corridor at the VA hospital with a grin the size of a quartered watermelon and looking lighter than he’d looked in months.
“Why are you so happy? Did they declare you too nuts to serve?”
“Nope. A little PTSD never hurt anyone. I’m going back,” he said cheerily.
“You’re full of shit. Did they tell you you have PTSD?”
“I told you. I’m fine.”
We rounded the corner and the exit came into view. Finally, I could get out of this place. I’d been sitting in the waiting room for over two hours while Ryan was being assessed. The smell in the waiting room was like a mixture of popcorn and rubbing alcohol and it made my stomach churn.
Ryan was walking strange.
“Are you playing with your balls? Why do you have your hands in your pockets?”
“Yeah, I’m fucking jerking off,” he replied with a roll of his eyes as he dug a lighter and a pack of cigarettes out of his pockets. “I’m gonna smoke a cigarette. I’ll wait here while you bring the car around. I gotta call Jen.”
Jen: Ryan’s on-again off-again girlfriend who was conveniently off-again while he was in Afghanistan. They weren’t technically together at the moment, but that didn’t stop him from getting a booty call every other night.
“Sure, I’ll bring the car right around. Would you like me to pick up your dry-cleaning while I’m at it?” I asked, walking away as he leaned against a large planter.
“Hey.”
I turned around before I stepped off the curb. “What?”
He looked up from his phone and put it to his ear, but when he looked at me, for just a moment, the strange happiness he’d exuded since he walked out of the mental health office waivered. For a moment, I saw the scared boy I saw when he first found out he was being sent to war. Then it was gone and the serene smile was back.
“Thanks for bringing me.”
The mattress beneath me felt comfortable, but the sheets I was wrapped in were too crisp. I opened my eyes and found myself in a darkened hospital room with Luke hovering over me.
“You passed out. How are you feeling?”
“Really embarrassed.” I sat up and the bed swayed beneath me as I threw the covers off. I gripped the pillow and the blanket for support. “Whoa.”
Luke placed his hands on top of my thighs to keep me from sliding off the bed. “When was the last time you ate?”
“I haven’t eaten today. You called me while I was in line at Starbucks. I left without getting anything.”
“It’s almost four o’clock. You need to eat something.”
That’s when I noticed her sitting in a chair under the television that hung from the ceiling. She eyed me with a peculiar expression. She didn’t appear to be sizing me up or judging me. She seemed… intrigued.
Luke noticed us noticing each other. “Brina, this is my sister, Reese. Reese, this is my….”
He turned to me and I was surprised he was unsure of how to introduce me. I would have expected him, with his natural tendency to take charge, to say, “this is my girlfriend” or “this is my coworker” or “this is my sex slave”, but he was suddenly stumped and I found it incredibly adorable.
Reese stood from the chair and took a few steps forward until she was standing in the shaft of light pouring in from the corridor through the half-open door. She smiled at me and, even with her slightly red, puffy eyes, I was taken aback by her beauty. She was a female version of Luke with gorgeous brown hair that tumbled in loose curls over her graceful shoulders. If we had an industrial fan blowing toward her, she’d look like a Victoria’s Secret model.
She held out her hand to me and I got a whiff of her soft perfume. “Nice to meet you, Brina.”
I shook her hand and nodded dumbly. “Nice to meet you, too. You’re so beautiful.”
She smiled and my stomach flipped when I recognized the smile I’d seen on Luke’s face a thousand times. They must have seen the strange expression on my face because they both chuckled at the same time and my eyes widened at the similarity of their laugh.
“I take it Luke didn’t tell you we’re fraternal twins.” She shook her head at him and he shrugged.
“It’s not like it’s a big secret,” he replied, as he turned to me. “Come on. We have to get you something to eat.”
“No, you came to see your dad, not to take care of me. You go ahead and I’ll find the cafeteria on my own.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and I remembered the promise I’d made to stay by his side. I waited a moment, hoping the moment would pass and he would relent, but he continued to glare at me and I knew he was not going to give in.
“Fine,” I muttered, as I slid off the bed.
Reese looked appalled. “Geez, burn her with your laser eyes, why don’t you? Get a grip, Luke.”
“This is none of your business. Just go back to the room and we’ll be there in a few minutes.”
She rolled her eyes before she turned to leave. “Don’t pull that domineering shit on me. I still remember what age you were when you stopped wetting the bed.”
She disappeared into the corridor and I bit my lip as I tried not to laugh at her comment.
“Go ahead and laugh. Get it out. I was eight years old.” He put his hand on the small of my back and guided me toward the door.
“Aw…. That’s not so bad. I was five.”
He stopped at the door and grabbed my shoulders to turn me toward him. “Are you okay to go out there? ‘Cause I can get you a wheelchair if you think you’re going to pass out again.”
I suddenly remembered the memory that had overcome me before, or maybe while, I passed out. I curled my fingers around the front of his T-shirt as a tingling sensation spread from the tips of my fingers up to my shoulders. I closed my eyes and Luke pulled me against him as he wrapped his arms tightly around me.
I pushed him back and shook my head as I gathered my strength. “I’m fine. Let’s go.”
I wasn’t prepared for the scent of the hospital to bring back such overwhelming memories when we stepped through the entrance, but I was ready now. Well, maybe not ready, but I was prepared.
He kissed my forehead before he grabbed my hand. “Hold my hand tight, that way I’ll know something’s wrong if your hand goes slack. Okay?”
I smiled as I squeezed his hand and he squeezed mine in return. “You love me.”
“Maybe a little bit.”
He pulled me out into the corridor and my muscles stiffened as soon as the bright light hit my eyes. I held tightly to Luke’s hand so he wouldn’t worry and together we walked down the corridor, the soles of my sneakers squeaking slightly as I dragged my feet. With every step I forced myself to remember.
I remembered Ryan’s courage the day he admitted to me he wanted to join the military. I remembered his courage the day he kissed my mother goodbye as she fell to pieces in the front yard. And, though I once believed it to be an act of cowardice, I now recalled his courage the day he took his life.
-->