by Cassia Leo
I forced myself to remember everything as I gripped Luke’s hand the way I’d gripped the railing on the bridge eight months ago. And that’s when I remembered the one thing I had forgotten. The one thing that seemed like nothing, but meant everything.
Ryan said he was going to call Jen, but when I talked to Jen after I got back from San Francisco she claimed she hadn’t spoken to him in over two weeks. Who did he call? Why would my brother lie to me when he knew what he was about to do?
7: LUKE
As soon as I felt Brina’s grip on my hand weaken, I wrapped my arm around her waist to catch her, but she wasn’t falling. The vacant stare on her face sent a chill through me.
“What’s wrong?”
She looked right through me as she answered. “Who did he call?”
“What? Who are you talking about?”
As soon as I asked the question I knew the answer. I pulled her into a room that turned out to be a private office, but it was empty. I sat her in a chair in front of a desk that belonged to Dr. K. Simmons and grasped her hands.
“Talk to me, Brina.”
She still looked dazed and I stroked the backs of her hands with my thumbs to try to comfort her because I didn’t know what else to do.
“If I could swallow all your pain, if I could make it my own…. If I could take every ounce of regret you carry on your shoulders and shift that burden to me I would do it in a heartbeat. You know that, don’t you?”
She finally blinked and nodded slowly.
“Talk to me.” I could feel her gently tugging her hands away so I held on tighter.
“I know who he called. It was Jesse,” she whispered hoarsely, her body trembling as she struggled to release her hands from my grip. “I’m going to kill him. I’m going to fucking kill him!”
I pulled her into my arms and she dug her fists into my chest as she tried to push me away. “I’m not letting you go until you calm down.”
“Stop! You don’t know what I’m talking about! Get off me!”
I held on tighter as she tried to head-butt me as she attempted to stand from the chair.
“Calm down, Brina!” I shouted, as I buried my face in her neck and lifted her off the chair.
She squirmed and kicked, but I held her too tightly for her to do any real damage. Within seconds she tired and went limp against me, burying her face in my chest as the sound of her sobs echoed inside me. I slowly loosened my grip and waited for her to bolt or start fighting me again, but she just clutched my shirt against her face as she cried. I tilted her face up and she turned her head so I couldn’t see her.
“Please stop,” she whispered.
“Stop what?”
“Stop being so nice.” She reached up and wiped at her face. “These aren’t sad tears. I’m really fucking pissed.”
“Why are you pissed?”
She closed her eyes and more tears rolled down her cheeks and over my hands. I tilted her face up again, but she kept her eyes closed.
“I’m pissed at Jesse for not calling me after he talked to Ryan.”
“Are you saying your brother called this guy Jesse that day?”
She nodded and I suddenly understood why she’d gone into a fit of rage. If I found out someone had talked to someone I loved right before they took their life I might be inclined to think, irrationally, that there was something that person could have done to stop it.
“Brina, you don’t even know what your brother said to him.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and pushed my hands away. I grabbed her arm before she could bolt. “Come on, babe, you need to stop doing this. First you blame yourself and now you’re blaming Jesse. Do you really think this is what your brother would have wanted?”
“What am I supposed to do?”
She doesn’t shout this question as I would have expected. She’s actually expecting an answer—no, she’s begging for an answer.
“I don’t know.”
“It’s been eight months. I’ve seen two therapists. I’ve read half a dozen books on grieving and PTSD and I still don’t know what to do. I’m still as clueless as I was that day and that scares the hell out of me. Eight months…. That’s how long it took me to remember a single detail about that phone call. How long am I supposed to keep remembering? How long before I can stop feeling like my life was ripped to shreds? I want to know because I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.”
I pulled her into my arms and her voice was muffled against my shirt as she continued to speak, but she made no effort to remove her face from my chest so I held her tightly.
“You don’t have to know all the answers yet. It’s still soon,” I said, my lips brushing the top of her head. “But I’ll help you find those answers. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to help you find some peace.”
She pulled back a little and I could feel the wet spot on my T-shirt growing. She looked into my eyes and my heart ached at the sight of her red, swollen eyes.
“I have never met a man like you.”
“And you’ll never meet another.”
She sniffled but I got a small smile out of her.
“How can you even put up with me? I’m damaged goods. I shouldn’t even be here. You need to see your dad.”
She pushed away and this time I let her. I wiped the dampness from her cheeks and tucked her hair behind her ears.
“I don’t want to make you stay here to hang out with a dying man and you need to eat. If I ask the driver to take you to the hotel, do you promise to order some room service and stay in the room until I get there?”
She nodded but she looked completely defeated. I didn’t know if it was a good idea to leave her alone, but I knew she didn’t need to see my father on his deathbed right now. And I needed her to know that I trusted her. She could meet my mother later.
I dialed the driver and walked her out to the curb in silence. The car pulled up and I opened the door for her, but I grabbed her hand before she could get in.
“I’m proud of you for facing this the way you do,” I said before I kissed her cheek. “You’re stronger than you think you are.”
8: BRINA
I collapsed face first onto the bed in our hotel room and lay motionless as I tried to work up the courage to call room service. My stomach was in knots. I really didn’t want to eat. But I promised Luke I would and I wasn’t going to go back to deceiving him. Besides, if I was as strong as he seemed to believe I was, I should be able to endure a few bites of solid food.
I sighed as I crawled toward the head of the bed and reached for the phone on the nightstand. I hit the room service button and waited as the ringing tickled my ear.
“Room service,” said a pleasant male voice.
“Uh….” I hadn’t even looked at the menu. “Can you bring up some soup and crackers, please?”
“Would you like tomato bisque, lobster chowder, Tuscan bean, or vegan vegetable?”
“Tomato bisque. Thank you.”
I hung up the phone and laid back. What was I going to do while I waited for Luke? It was only five-thirty. I couldn’t call Jill until after eight. I didn’t want to have to lie to her about where I was. I was determined for something positive to come out of this trip because so far it was a disaster.
The truth was, with her feisty attitude and Milo’s no holds barred approach to business and sex, they were perfect for each other. Of course, the only issue would be hanging out with them if they did start dating. Luke hated Milo. But he hated him for the same reason he dumped me six weeks ago. If he could forgive me, he would have to forgive Milo; especially since Luke and I probably would never have found our way back to each other if it weren’t for Milo’s ingenuity and willingness to fork out $40,000 to get me into the developers’ conference.
I sat up, satisfied that this wouldn’t be an issue, and dug my phone out of my purse. I scrolled through the names in my address book and stopped at Jesse’s name. My finger hovered over the touchscreen as I tried to imagine what I
would say, and what I shouldn’t say. I let my finger fall slowly toward the screen before I stopped myself.
I couldn’t call him. I hadn’t called him in over eight months. If I called him now and accused him of not doing enough to stop my brother from committing suicide he would think I was crazy for waiting so long. Not to mention the fact that he could have been just as clueless about Ryan’s plans as I was.
I had to let go.
I had to forgive myself.
I had to remember that I had already been forgiven, many times.
I ate half the bowl of soup, curled up on the bed, hugging a pillow to my belly, and quickly drifted off. When I woke, Luke was lying next to me staring at my face.
“What time is it?”
“Half past nine. My father passed away an hour ago.”
I tossed the pillow I was clutching to the floor and threw my arms around his neck. “I’m so sorry.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and dug his fists into my back. His arms shook with the force of trying to hold it together.
I squeezed him tighter and buried my face in the crook of his neck. “What can I do? Just tell me what you want me to do?”
He submerged his face in my hair and opened his fists so his hands were flat against me. “Just lay with me.”
His hands slid down my back and underneath my T-shirt. My skin prickled and I sucked in a sharp breath as his fingers skimmed over the sensitive skin on my lower back. I pulled away and held his face in my hands. He was crying.
“I love you,” I said, as his hands slid further up my back and unclasped my bra. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Whatever will make you feel better, I’ll do it.”
He lifted the bottom of my shirt and I raised my arms so he could pull it off. I slipped out of my bra and tossed it onto the floor behind me. He stared at my breasts for a moment before his gaze traveled up to my lips then my eyes.
“I just want to lay with you, just like that.”
I nodded and he pulled his T-shirt off, maybe as a way of making me feel more comfortable. I couldn’t feel more comfortable.
I brushed the scruff on his jaw with the back of my fingers and he closed his eyes. “Did he know you were there?” I asked. “Does he know you came?”
He nodded as he traced his finger lightly over the skin between my breasts and I shuddered. He didn’t stop until he reached the button of my jeans, which he stared at for a while as if he were contemplating unfastening the button. His gaze returned to my eyes and I took his hand in mine. I placed a light kiss on the tip of each of his fingers before I placed his hand over my heart.
“Do you feel that? You did that. You glued the pieces of my broken heart back together.”
A tiny smile curled the corners of his lips and filled me with joy. “You’ve given me more than I could ever give you. Even before we met, you taught me about the tenacity of the human spirit.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and sighed. “You amaze me.”
“Can I hug you?”
He chuckled as he opened his arms. “Bring it home.”
We wrapped our arms around each other and my nipples stiffened as our chests touched. I laid my cheek against his shoulder so he couldn’t see the longing in my face. His hand slid up and grasped the back of my neck and he turned my head so I was facing him. Our noses bumped against each other and I smiled as I breathed in the familiar scent of his aftershave. He brushed my hair away from my face and continued stroking my hair softly until I was completely relaxed in his arms.
“Do you feel that?” he whispered. “It’s called peace. You are my peace.”
9: LUKE
After spending a sexless and completely perfect night with Brina in our hotel room, I took her home and flew back the next day to help Reese and my mother with the funeral arrangements. The twenty-eight days that followed were spent mostly watching movies with Brina on opposite ends of the sofa; going to dinner with Brina at the most unromantic restaurants we could find; avoiding double-dates with Jill and Milo; occasionally spending the night in my bed, just talking; and trying to convince myself not to rip off her clothes.
Tonight would be our last night spent together without making love and I had no doubt we would make it through. We made it through the July 4th fireworks show at the docks while under the influence of way too many beers without giving in; we could withstand one more night. I needed to prove to her that I was dead serious about making this work. Though I was still numb from my father’s death, having Brina around made the past few weeks more than just bearable. I wanted her to stick around for a long time and it was my intention to tell her this tomorrow.
When my doorbell rang, I put on my best everything’s-fine smile and opened the door.
“I’m driving today,” she declared.
I took in her beauty from head to toe. Her brown hair was cinched in a braid that wrapped around her head and dangled over her shoulder. I studied the curve of her breasts and hips beneath the cream and sky-blue sundress she wore. My eyes snapped back to the swell of her breasts. They looked bigger than they normally did.
“Are you padding today?” I asked, and she swiftly punched me in the arm. “Ow! Sorry, but they look bigger than usual.”
She glanced down at her breasts and her eyes widened. “Oh, shit.”
“Oh, shit, what?”
“Oh, fuck,” she whispered. “I think I’m late.”
My heart clenched inside my chest and I grabbed the door handle to steady myself. “You think you’re late? So you’re not sure?”
“Oh, my God. I’m definitely late. I need to go to the drugstore. I’ll call you later.”
She turned to leave and I grabbed her hand. “Wait. I’ll take you.”
She slapped her keys into my palm and pulled me out the door. “We can take my car. Hurry up.”
I shut my door and we quickly climbed into her Honda. The car had to be at least seven or eight years old, but it was in fairly good condition. I turned the key in the ignition and the dashboard lights flashed and turned off. The “Check Engine” light and the “Maintenance” light stayed on.
I maneuvered the car around my Bugatti, a little worried by how hard I had to press on the brake pedal for it to remain stationary, and stopped in front of the gate. I rolled down my window and pressed my hand to the touchscreen suspended on the pedestal and the gate opened.
I pulled out onto the road and glanced at her. She was wringing her hands so tightly her skin was already turning pink. I reached across and grabbed her hand.
“Hey. Don’t freak out. We can handle this.”
She glared at me as I came to a stop at an intersection. “We can handle this? What does that even mean?”
I shook my head, but I didn’t reply. I knew no matter what I said right now I was only going to dig my grave even deeper.
“What does that mean?” she insisted, as she yanked her hand out of mine.
I eased forward into the intersection when the light turned green and paused for a moment to make sure I chose my words wisely. “It means that I will support you no matter what happens.”
She shook her head as she stared out the passenger-side window.
“What? Did I say something wrong?”
“No. Just drive. I don’t want to talk.”
I stayed silent as she picked out four different home pregnancy tests and we headed back to my house. As I pulled her car up the incline of my driveway, it sputtered to a stop.
“When was the last time you got an oil change?”
She plucked the plastic drugstore bag off the floor near her feet and shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“I’m getting you a new car.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not getting me a new car just because I need an oil change.”
“No, I’m getting you a new car because I don’t want to have to drive this thing ever again.”
“Oh, so my car sucks too much for Luke Maxwell? Yeah, well, I’m sorry I can’t afford to special o
rder sports cars from a factory in Italy!”
“I’m just trying to be helpful.”
She sighed as she leaned her head back. “I’m not upset with you. I’m mad at myself.”
“I thought you were on birth control.”
“I stopped taking it when we weren’t together. I’ve been waiting for my period to come so I could start taking them again. But we haven’t been having sex so I guess I just stopped keeping track. Man, I’m such an idiot.”
“Hey, it takes two. If you’re an idiot then I’m an idiot and we can’t have that.” She smiled and I reached across the distance between us. I laid my hand on her abdomen and she looked at me sideways. “It’s not like you did it on purpose, right?”
She gasped and threw my hand off.
“I was kidding!” I bit my lip to keep from laughing as she glared at me. “Come on, I was obviously kidding. Even if you did it on purpose, I’d still take care of it. If it was born looking like an alien mutant, like Milo Yates, I’d still love it.”
Her glare disappeared as the color drained from her face. “Oh, no.”
“What?” She didn’t have to say a word for me to know what “oh, no” meant. “You had sex with Milo?”
She buried her face in her hands. “No. I mean, yes, once, but not when we were together. It was the day of the conference. I was distraught.”
A fire bellowed inside my chest, my heart pounding as I tried to breathe to keep myself from exploding. I yanked the key out of the ignition and dropped it in her lap before I threw open the car door.
“Where are you going?” she asked in a frightened voice.
“Get inside.” She didn’t move and I gritted my teeth as I resisted the urge to tell her to get the fuck out of the car. “Please come inside.”
10: BRINA
I gathered the plastic bag and my purse into my arms and followed Luke into the house. The shame was rolling off of me as the anger rolled off of him and I could sense a tsunami of disaster coming.
“I have to use the restroom.”