Knight Vision

by Johanna Bock

  Jeff held her tight as he felt her pull away; he knew she had sensed his reaction to her words. “Annie, don’t,” he whispered. “Please hear me out. I have not taken a life, but I came damn close.”

  Annie allowed herself to be pulled back against him. “Explain,” she demanded, staying completely rigid within his embrace.

  “I have already shared with you that I have deep-dark demons in my past. I had a very unpleasant childhood. My birth father mastered in the triple A’s -- Addict, Alcoholic, Abuser. I lived in borderline poverty from his actions. In order to survive and instead of fighting him, my mother joined him in the first two A’s. I became numb to the pain from the beatings. I would deliberately step in to take the abuse to keep my mother and younger sister from suffering his attacks. The tipping point came when I arrived home to find out that he had raped my younger sister, Tina; she was eleven. I snapped. All the locked-up anger and hatred exploded. I attacked him. I probably would have killed him if the cops hadn’t pulled me off him. After they pulled me off, I ran. I ran to the only person who had ever showed kindness to me; who showed a genuine concern for me when she saw the signs of my father’s abuse, my daily bruises; who had opened her arms and shared her bed with me. My high school English teacher, Pam. I was fifteen-years-old. Fearing my arrest for the beating I gave my father, we ran to California. It was years later before I contacted my mother. When I did, she told me that my father was serving time in the Florence prison for raping my sister. My actions that night had given her the courage to finally confront him.”

  “Jeff, I. . . “Annie began, leaning back into him.

  “No,” he interrupted her. “Let me finish,” he said, pulling her close. Feeling her mold to his body, he rushed on. “Once in California, Pam supported me and helped me get my GED. When she got pregnant, we wed,” he hesitated as he felt her tense. “Yes, I have a five-year-old son, who is named after me and lives with Pam. I see him when I can,” he continued. Feeling her body relax back against him, he realized she had accepted his news and continued. “All was great until a little over a year ago. My work became a pain, too much pressure and too little joy. I found my outlet in booze. It was something I swore I would never do because of my family history. You asked me the other night about it and I shared that I lose control when I drink. I did not lie. I found myself stepping into my father’s shoes. The major difference in our abuse was I used words and my father used his fists. I never physically hit them. However, my words were almost as bad. I said some really nasty, hateful things under the influence of the bottle. When she tossed me out, I swore off the booze, but it was too late to mend the deep wounds I had inflicted.”

  Annie felt him weeping softly. She could feel his guilt; it radiated from him. She felt a need to hold him in her arms. Not knowing if his telling was complete, she cautiously rotated in his arms. Seeing the deep anguish written on his face, she drew his head to her breast and felt his arms tighten around her. She held him there, allowing him the time to release his tears. “Let it out,” she whispered to him, stroking the back of his head. “I give you permission to cry.”

  Hearing her words, he gulped for air as the wave of tears opened. At that moment, Annie knew that she was holding not the man she had come to love, but the fifteen-year-old, abused boy who just beat the living hell out of his father. Cradling his head, she rocked back and forth and her mothering instincts kicked in. As she held his sobbing body close to her, Annie felt tears escape her closed eyes. She did not hold back as she wept for his lost innocence and for his pain.

  Unaware of their surroundings or the passage of time, they sought solace in each other’s arms. As she felt his body ease out of the clutches of the soul cleansing ritual of crying, Annie released her embrace and whispered, “Jeff, give me your keys.”

  “My keys,” he said hazily.

  “Yes, I am driving us home,” she said. “It is late. We both need to sleep.”

  “Sleep?” he questioned, reaching into his pocket and handing her the keys.

  “Yes. Come on,” she directed, looping his arm around her and picking up their untouched dinner box. As they walked to his car, she tossed the dinner box into the trashcan. Nearing the car, she walked them to the passenger’s door, and opened it before he could say anything. She poured him into the front seat and closed the door. Rounding the car, she noted that he had stretched out on the seat instead of sitting upright. This will be interesting, she thought, seeing his head on the driver’s seat. As she opened the driver’s door, she leaned down and lifted his head, slid into the seat and rested his head in her lap. She watched him curl on his side and use her leg as his pillow. Placing her hand on the top of his head, she smiled.

  She knew he was asleep before she took the first corner of the winding road down off the mountain. Leaning forward, she pressed the play button on the cassette and as Kenny’s voice filled the car, she softly added her voice to his.

  ***

  Chapter Eighteen

  Annie sat with the phone on her lap. She glanced at the grandfather clock across the room as it dinged nine times. Why hasn’t he called? He was supposed to call her tonight. In her mind, she replayed the previous night’s scenario of their parting once they had arrived at her house. She had awakened him and had waited for him to become fully awake before handing him the keys to drive home. He had told her that he would call. So, why hadn’t he called? She just couldn’t call him. Each time she tried, she hung up the phone before entering the last number. He had to make the next move.

  Dazed, confused, hurt and lost, she just could not come up with a solution. She could drive by his house just to verify that he made it home safely. She wished she had paid more attention to the location of his house; she could probably find it, but she knew she didn’t have the heart. Giving in to her growing depression, she placed the phone on the table and headed to her room to cry into her pillow. I have lost him, she thought.

  ***

  Halfway through her day, covering for a third-grade teacher who was out sick, she wished that she had told the school district’s secretary that she was busy. Her mind was not on teaching. She was too depressed; her thoughts too consumed with Jeff. When the end of the school day arrived, she completed her notes and drove home slowly. She was not in a hurry to again wait by the silent phone. She needed Jeff. At the junction of her street, she drove right through it instead of turning towards home. She needed a friendly face. She drove to Leah’s house.

  Closed away from the rest of the house in the Arizona room, Annie stated, “I am depressed. Let’s go to Vegas.”

  “Annie, what happened?” Leah asked, concerned for her friend’s state of mind.

  “I need to get out of town and with you starting your new job next week, let’s go for one last hoorah,” Annie voiced.

  “I am not saying that we not go, but I repeat what happened?” Leah asked.

  “Everything. Nothing. Just say you will go,” Annie contributed.

  “Yeah, I will go. I would like to see Ron,” Leah said.

  Ron, Annie thought about Leah’s blackjack dealer friend. He worked at Circus Circus and they had met him over a year ago. A real cutie and Leah was sweet on him. Each time they traveled to Vegas, Ron was on their radar. Annie felt more depressed. If Leah hooked up with Ron, she would be on her own. Yet, it was Vegas; there were other things to do. She needed to get Jeff off her mind. “Think Ron has a friend?” Annie asked.

  “Annie, what happened to Jeff?” Leah pressed.

  “He didn’t call me last night,” Annie confessed.

  “So? Annie, for heaven sake’s. All this because he didn’t call you last night?” Leah laughed.

  “Yeah, but. . .” Annie replied, stopping.

  “But, what?” Leah asked, sitting forward and seeing Annie’s discomfort. “You didn’t call me yesterday either. What happened at South Mountain? What has you all upset?”

  “He shared his deep-dark demons’ story with me,” Annie said. “I believe he
didn’t call because of what he shared.”

  “Want to share with me?” Leah asked.

  “No. He did not give me permission to pass on his story,” Annie stated.

  “That bad?”

  “Yeah,” Annie confirmed. “He cried.”

  “You are kidding?”

  “No.”

  “Call him,” Leah said bluntly.

  “I will not. He needs to make the next move.”

  “Annie, it could be he feels that you don’t want to see him,” Leah offered. “He could be embarrassed for crying in front of you.”

  “I didn’t think about that.”

  “Call him,” Leah said, getting up out of the chair and reaching for the phone. “Here, call him now.” Annie looked at the phone in Leah’s hand. “He would be at work now. Call him there.” Annie shook her head. “I am here; you are safe. Do it. Where is his card?”

  “In my purse.”

  Leah placed the phone in Annie’s lap and opened the purse. Scrounging through her friend’s purse, she found the card. Picking up the receiver, she dialed the number. “Jeff Mills, please,” Leah said into the receiver.

  Annie was speechless. She felt like she was watching a movie. Reality set in as Leah handed her the phone. Placing the phone to her ear, she heard his familiar voice. “Jeff here.”

  “Hello, Jeff,” she heard her voice say.

  “Annie? You home already? I was waiting until four to call you. How was work?” he asked.

  “You knew I worked today?” she asked.

  “Figured it out on my own when no one answered your phone when I called earlier,” he answered.

  “You called earlier?” she asked in a shaky voice.

  “Why, yes,” he replied. “Why do you sound so strange?”

  “You didn’t call last night,” she said.

  “Couldn’t; slept around the clock. It appears that I needed it,” he said, laughing.

  “You slept?” she asked.

  “Yep, and I owe it all to you, my love,” he said.

  “Me?”

  “Annie, what is it? Were you worried, honey?”

  “Yes,” she confessed.

  “Silly girl. Why didn’t you call me?

  “I tried. I just couldn’t punch the last number,” she confided.

  “I am coming over.”

  “I am not home.”

  “Where are you?”

  “At Leah’s.”

  “Tell Leah goodbye and go home. I will be there shortly,” he directed.

  “Okay,” she answered, hearing the dial tone. “Goodbye, Leah. I have to go home,” she said, getting to her feet. “Jeff is on his way.”

  “Whoa. Wait a minute. He can wait. Are you okay?” Leah asked, looking at Annie closely.

  “I don’t know,” Annie replied. “I just need to see him.”

  “Are we still going to Vegas?” Leah asked. “For our last hoorah?”

  “Can I invite Jeff?” Annie asked, before thinking.

  “Sure. In fact, my father is home right now. Maybe, I can get him to fly us there instead of having to drive. When do you want to go? I say the weekend is out; too late to get rooms. How about Wednesday and Thursday night?” Leah offered.

  “Sounds good. I will call you,” Annie said, walking to the door.

  ***

  When Annie arrived at her house, she did not get out of her car. She turned off the motor and just sat there, and that is where Jeff found her when he arrived. Coming to her driver door, he opened her door and wrapped his arms around her pulling her into his embrace. “Annie,” he said softly.

  “Jeff, I was so frightened,” she whispered into his neck.

  “Don’t be,” he assured her. “I feel wonderful. You feel wonderful,” he said, lifting her out of the car. “Toss those demons aside. I am here.”

  “I will try,” she answered meekly.

  “What time do your parents come home?” he asked softly.

  “Around five-ish,” she said, pulling back from him.

  “Plenty of time,” he purred, reaching into her car for her keys and purse. Annie knew what he had in mind. It was written on his face as he guided her to the front door. “I never thanked you properly for the roses,” he said, opening her front door.

  They did not stop between the front door and her bed. Entering her room, Jeff closed the door and dropped her purse on the floor. “Let get you out of those nylons,” he said softly, dropping to his knees.

  “Oh, Jeff,” she laughed softly as he moved to her.

  ***

  Contentment filled her as she stretched out next to him on her bed. She was the one now who would need to wash her bedding to be able to sleep tonight, she thought as she giggled slightly and curled up beside him. “Penny for your thoughts,” he said, rubbing the upper part of her arm with his fingers.

  “Washing.”

  “What? Your body? A shower would be fun,” he responded.

  “No, the bedding,” she said, looking into his eyes.

  “Oh. What about a shower?” he raised his eyebrows.

  Annie looked at the clock. Seeing the numbers roll over to 5:00, she shook her head. “Not enough time; it is five now,” she replied. “We need to get dressed.”

  “Too bad; it could have been fun,” he said sadly, pouting.

  “You look pathetic,” she moaned as she rolled away from him. “Get up, get dressed,” she ordered as she moved to get off the bed.

  “No, you don’t,” he said, pulling her back to him. “I need reassurance that this will happen again.”

  “I am pretty sure that it will. Why ask?”

  “I am not referring to the sex. That is a sure thing. I mean in a nice soft bed,” he amended, bouncing on the bed.

  “Maybe sooner than you think,” she began. “You know the question you asked in my poem? That was silly; of course you know. I might have an answer for you.”

  Jeff released her and propped himself on his left elbow and looked down at her. “You do?” he questioned, moving the hair from her forehead.

  “I have an idea,” she began. Hearing the garage door open, she yelped. “Move, Jeff. My parents are home.” They both jumped out of the bed and gathered Jeff’s clothes. “To the bathroom across the hall,” she ordered, pushing him out the door.

  She grabbed her sweats out of the drawer and covered herself, not taking time to put on underclothes. Pushing her work clothes under her bed with her foot, she pulled the comforter up on her bed. Stepping into her clogs, she rushed out the door and plopped down on the sofa in the family room and turned on the TV set. Winded, she composed herself. Running her hand through her hair, she knew her lips were full and she looked flushed. “Maintain,” she whispered to herself, looking for something to hold in front of her face. Spotting a magazine on the table next to the phone, she reached for it and noted that the answering machine showed a message. She pushed the play button and heard Leah’s voice. “Dad is in. Let me know if Jeff is? Call me.” God, Annie thought as she pressed the delete button. Glad I caught that before the parents heard it. Picking up the magazine, she opened it just as her parents walked into the house. “Hi,” she said, lowering the magazine just below her eyes.

  “Hi,” her mother responded. “You and Jeff staying for dinner?”

  “No. He is in the bathroom. We are going out. Do you want us to bring you anything?” Annie asked.

  “No. We are good. Have a good time,” her mother said as Jeff walked into the room. “Hello, Jeff. Nice to see you again.”

  “Hello, Mrs. Downs and Dr. Downs. Annie, are you ready?” he asked.

  “Let me grab my purse and I will meet you outside,” she managed to say, getting to her feet. Annie ran to her room to grab her purse as Jeff headed to the front door. She stood, eyeing her room for a second to make sure that there were no signs of their activity. Seeing nothing visible, she jogged back to the family room. Rounding the corner, she yelled, “I won’t be late.”

  Her mother’s
comment went unheard as she shut the door and ran into Jeff’s arm. “Please, let’s not cut it that close again. I don’t think my heart can take it.”

  Laughing, he responded, “Then, please stop being so damn cute.”

  “Sorry, can’t help it,” she said, kissing him. “Where to?”

  “Let’s go to the park,” he suggested.

  “Sounds good.”

  Opening the driver’s door, Annie slid into the car and planted herself in the middle. As Jeff entered and started the car, he asked, “What is this plan of yours?”

  “Ah. What are your days off?” Annie asked as they pulled away for the house.

  “Any, really. The dealership is commission-based. I can work one or seven days a week. Why?” he asked.

  “How about hopping on a plane with me to Vegas?” she asked.

  “What?” He looked at her, confused, as he parked the car.

  “Leah’s father is a pilot, and has his own plane. He has agreed to take us to Vegas this week. Want to come?” she asked.

  “When?”

  “How about tomorrow night and back on Friday?” she offered.

  “That is awful fast.”

  “I know, but we just planned it this afternoon when I was at Leah’s house,” she stated.

  “What about Leah?” he asked. “Won’t she be upset that I am coming along?”

  “No. She has her own agenda when she visits Vegas. She already knows I was going to ask you,” she responded. “We only have to pay for the room. Are you interested?” Annie asked, batting her eyes at him.

  “Meow,” he replied. “How can I resist you? Alright, I am in.”

  “Yippee,” she screamed, leaning in to kiss him. “Turn this baby around and head to Leah’s; we have to book a room. And, to answer your question, tomorrow night.”

  As Jeff followed her directions, she thought about how she would get her parents’ permission. They had to agree.

  ***

  Chapter Nineteen