The Chrismukkah Crisis

by Ryan Taylor

  “You’re on your way home late. It’s a long drive, Dad.”

  “Answer my question. When you deflect, it leads me to believe you’re hiding something.”

  Not wanting to let him bait me into an argument, I took a second to focus. “It’s going well, thanks, and no, I’m not slacking off. Working fourteen-hour days this week.”

  “That’s my boy.” He sounded relieved. “Great rewards lie ahead if you keep your nose to the grindstone.” A pause followed that was a little too long. “Listen, son, Louise had another episode.”

  I stopped in my tracks. “Mom? What kind of episode?”

  “They’re panic attacks. But I wanted to let you know in case she calls and starts in about her heart.”

  “What happened?”

  “It’s not even—”

  “What happened?” I started walking again.

  My father could deliver the most condescending sighs I’d ever heard, and he didn’t disappoint this time. “She had chest pain. When the housekeeper took her to the ER, the doctor diagnosed a panic attack.”

  “Dad, what if—”

  “She’s never had a heart problem, and her tests are fine. She’s always been too much of a worrier and it’s catching up with her.”

  I wasn’t convinced. Mom was a worrier, but she’d never been one to blow things out of proportion. “If you say so.”

  “I do say so. If she calls you, simply listen to her. Don’t let it distract you.”

  It was my turn to sigh, and I made sure it was loud enough for him to hear. “Did you talk to the doctor?”

  “Not this time, but if an ER knows how to do anything, it’s diagnose an MI. I’ve—”

  “What’s an MI?”

  We seemed to be having a sighing contest. “A heart attack, Aaron. I talked to the cardiologist they called in when she had her other episode, last week. He believed that one was a panic attack too.” Another sigh came across the line. “Look, just call her tomorrow and help keep her calm, okay?”

  “I will definitely call her…. Dad, I wish you wouldn’t dismiss her the way you do.”

  “Any men in your life down there?”

  And he accused me of deflecting? I’d learned from the master, and I had no intention of discussing my love life with my father. “I’m real busy.”

  “Sounds like more evasion to me.” A light chuckle came over the line. “Listen, it’s important to have somebody to take care of your needs when you’re starting out. You’re a man, and when you get stressed, you need something to distract you. Just don’t get too close. There’ll be time for that later, and you can’t afford—”

  “Going into the Metro, Dad. I’ll lose you. Thanks for calling.”

  I hung up wondering why I always let him get under my skin. We were very different. Dad was extremely career oriented, and while I liked the law, I was more life oriented. He loved high finance and intrigue, and I wanted to make the world a better place.

  While I waited for a train, I wondered why he brought up my love life. He knew some of the people at Craig Swan but not Townsend. It had to be a coincidence.

  Matthew

  I was lying on the sofa trying to keep my mind off Aaron. He was later than usual calling, but he’d call. Right? Unless he was qualified for an Oscar, he enjoyed our talks as much as I did. Still, what if he was too busy? And honestly, since we were just friends, why was I so worked up about it anyway?

  Just friends or not, I started sweating as worry slithered its way around my heart. What if someone else was vying for his time? That jagged thought hit so hard that I sat straight up. We hadn’t had that particular conversation yet, the one about relationships. I’d just assumed, as eager as he seemed to pursue something with me, that he was as single as I was. I supposed we needed to talk about it, but—wait! Why did we need to talk about it? We were just friends. Weren’t we?

  We probably needed to talk about it just to be official about things, so we both knew the score in case things ever did go anywhere. While I was trying to figure out a way to broach the subject in case he did call, my phone buzzed.

  AARON:Sorry I’m running late. Got caught up finishing something for Townsend. You still up?

  Ha! I was up half my waking hours, thanks to him.

  MATT: I’m awake and glad to hear from you. I was wondering what happened.

  MATT: Ouch. Sorry, that sounds weird. Just used to you calling a little earlier.

  MATT: Not that you ~have~ to call, you know. :-)

  AARON:Dude! I want to call. :) I would’ve let you know earlier but the time got away from me and then my dad called. I’m on the Metro now. Okay to call you in about 15 min?

  MATT: I’ll be here.

  AARON::)

  I decided to make some tea, and had just settled back on the sofa and enjoyed my first sip when my phone buzzed. Aaron started talking and I fidgeted with my mug while I got up my nerve.

  Finally, I sucked in a sharp breath and plunged ahead. “I was wondering something.” I pulled the throw from the back of the sofa over my lap, and wanted to crawl all the way under it.

  “Mm-hmm?” His dreamy low voice made me even more nervous. Spit it out, Matthew!

  “We….” I squeaked and cleared my throat. “We haven’t talked about this, but I sort of thought it’d be good to.” Jeez, could you sound any more like a doofus?

  “What?” He took a sip of something. “What’s on your mind?”

  “What are you drinking?” I clamped my eyes shut, mortified. Coward.

  He laughed in his rich baritone. “That’s what you thought we should talk about?” He kept chuckling, and I briefly thought of going to the kitchen for a knife. Maybe hara-kiri wasn’t such a bad idea. He cleared his throat. “I’m having a Heineken.”

  I jumped in, talking fast before I could chicken out again. “What’s your situation?” Could you be any vaguer? I rolled my eyes and was happy he couldn’t see me. “I mean, your relationship status, if you had to put one on Facebook?” I paused for a couple of heartbeats. “Which you haven’t, by the way.” I was pressing my knees together so hard they started to hurt.

  He laughed again, bright and playful. “You’ve been stalking me on Facebook?”

  “Not stalking.” I huffed. “I sent you a friend request… which you didn’t accept.”

  “Sorry, I haven’t been online in a couple of days. I’ll go on tonight and accept it.”

  “You’re evading the question.”

  “I’ve heard that a lot lately.” He sighed and chuckled a little more. “So we’re having the relationship status talk right now?”

  My heartbeat took off, and the big muscle in my right thigh twitched. “Just thought we should get it out there.” I swallowed hard. “I’ll go first. I’m free as a bird. Had my heart broken one too many times and I’m… careful.” Shit, I was talking way too fast, so I waited for him to say something. He didn’t. “I’m free, though. Definitely free….” I had a corner of the sofa throw wrapped around my hand so hard it cut off the circulation. “Just in case anything ever happened. Which it probably shouldn’t.” Jesus! “Definitely shouldn’t.”

  He laughed, yet again. Isn’t he going to do anything tonight besides mock me? “I’m free as well,” he finally said.

  My hand was getting numb, so I pulled it loose from the blanket tourniquet I’d created. “Would that be kind of free, or free, free?”

  He guffawed. “I thought we were just friends?”

  I shook my head at my own stupidity. “Yeah, I did too.”

  “Okay, here’s the deal. I am completely, totally free, free to date Matt Kennington.”

  “Really? I mean, you’re so….”

  “I’m so what?”

  The temperature in my cheeks spiked, and I put a hand to my face. “So sexy, okay?” I sighed and tried to suppress an embarrassing whimper. “You’re hot, Aaron—way out of my league.”

  He took another sip of his beer and swallowed hard. “Ha!” He was quiet for a
few seconds, and when he started talking again, his voice was serious. “Matt, you’re the one who is out of my league.”

  “Yeah. Something else you say to all the boys.”

  “I’m serious. Monday morning, on the train? I was afraid you’d make up some reason not to even let me sit down.”

  Thunk! A huge chunk fell out of the wall I’d been trying to build around my heart. He’d knocked the first brick loose when he talked to me on Monday morning. On Tuesday night, he blasted a big hole in it when he was so earnest about wanting to date me. I was starting to get concerned that the whole damned thing might fall down. “Yet another line you use on all the boys.”

  A three heartbeat pause, then three more. “You don’t get to make light of that.” His voice was low and whispery. “I’ve been looking for you for a long time, Matt Kennington.”

  Shit! An entire section of the wall collapsed. At the rate we were going, I would be totally wall-less by the time we hung up. My heart was just going to be hanging out there again, ready for another good walloping.

  “Sooo….” He covered several musical notes during the course of saying that word.

  “So?”

  The unmistakable sound of another beer being popped greeted my ear. “Have we got that straight? Or should I say gay?” He chuckled at his own humor. “We’re clear about our respective relationship statuses?”

  “Clear as we can be, I think.”

  “Good. Because there’s something that I think we should talk about now.”

  My face went a little numb. “Go for it.”

  “Okay, hear me out.” Another sip of Heineken, and then a different—more formal—voice came through the phone. “Your honor, given that the respondent, Mr. Kennington, admits to de facto Facebook stalking me—”

  “Wait a second!”

  “Nope, hear me out,” he said, using a voice that would surely put many opposing counsel on notice throughout his career. “Given the respondent’s admission, and considering the undeniable chemistry between petitioner Roth and the respondent, not to mention the pleasure they find in one another’s company—”

  “Aaron, what the hell are you—”

  “In addition to,” he said, using that litigator voice again, “his obvious anxiety about whether petitioner Roth would call him tonight, and his eagerness to determine whether petitioner Roth was available for dating—”

  I needed to stop him. “Aaron?”

  “Hold on, almost done.” He took another sip of his beer. “Given all these things, in combination with petitioner Roth’s readily admitted eagerness to date the respondent, I hereby move that the court find that preliminaries are over, and friendship has been suspended so that dating can begin.”

  “What?” I sounded a little plaintive.

  Of course, at that point, he had to lower his voice even more and be the judge. “That is a very persuasive argument, counselor. Does the respondent wish to make a statement?”

  You only live once, Matthew. Carpe diem!

  I couldn’t help laughing a little before putting on my best litigator voice, which was admittedly no match for Aaron’s. “Your honor, the respondent stipulates to the facts asserted by the petitioner. Respondent has no arguments to put forth and will live by whatever finding the court considers just.”

  Aaron’s peal of laughter was thrilling and sounded like it rolled up from the tips of his toes. When he spoke again, it was the judge’s voice. “Very well. Having heard the arguments of the petitioner, as well as the statement of the respondent, the court hereby finds that, with regard to the relationship between the parties, preliminaries have concluded, friendship is suspended, and the dating season has begun.”

  “Fuckin’ a!” Aaron called out in his own voice before the judge’s voice returned.

  “Order!” The judge commanded, before clearing his throat and proceeding. “The court also directs that respondent will accompany petitioner on their first date tomorrow evening, Friday, December ninth. Petitioner will determine the activities of the date and will bear the full expense thereof. The court further directs that there shall be no bailing, and if such bailing on the part of either party should occur, the court will be forced to consider jail time as a result.”

  What followed sounded suspiciously like Aaron’s fist tapping against what could only have been a cheap coffee table. “Court is adjourned,” the judge declared.

  I couldn’t stop giggling, and Aaron seemed to be enjoying his fait accompli quite a bit. He wouldn’t give me a clue about what to expect for the next night, just that I’d enjoy the hell out of it.

  After we hung up, I went to bed and had to jerk off twice thinking about the Incredible Mr. Roth. I fell asleep hoping we both knew what the hell we were doing. We were going to have to be so careful at work that it wasn’t even funny.

  Aaron

  A lot of my life had been spent waiting for love. Matt talked about how he’d made some bad choices—well, I’d made some doozies myself. Between bad decisions, Dad’s constant demands that I be the best at everything, and some sad twists of fate, I’d spent a lot of time waiting for the right guy. I had a hunch that Matt Kennington just might be the one.

  I knew I was taking a chance with my job by pursuing something with him. I’d taken employment law and read a lot of cases about the ease with which employers can legally fire employees. There were plenty of cases about various kinds of sexual harassment, and I knew that’s what a firm like Craig Swan was really worried about.

  No need for concern, though. I wasn’t interested in anyone but Matt, and I certainly wasn’t harassing him. I liked him a ton, and I wanted to date and see how far things with us could go. Nobody was forcing anyone in this situation. In fact, he was the one who had brought up the relationship status thing, and when I took it a step further, he was all in.

  Matthew

  Friday morning, I was at work before either Aaron or Townsend. I had known that Townsend would be in late because he had a court hearing, but Aaron was usually in the office by the time I got there. After my computer booted up, I looked at his calendar, but there was nothing unusual. God, I hope he isn’t sick or something. I hated to admit it, but I had a lot invested in our date that night, court-ordered or not.

  After going to the kitchen to put my salad in the fridge, I looked around the office as I walked back to my desk. The mahogany-paneled three-room suite included a large office for Mr. Townsend, a small one for Aaron, and a reception room with two generic workstations—one for me, and one for the missing secretary. There was one door to the hallway, and unlike down in Real Estate, there was no window in the door. T and E definitely had nicer digs.

  I sat down, and for about an hour, I did some research for Mr. Townsend. After starting on a memo I was drafting for Aaron, I realized I needed caffeine and went to get some coffee out of the single-serving machine Craig Slum provided for its minions in the T and E department. It was like choking down mud, but I didn’t want to leave the office empty while I walked to a coffee shop.

  The phone rang a time or two while I worked on Aaron’s memo, but things were mostly quiet.

  “Here you are!” I looked up, startled to see Suzanne walking through the door. “I’ve been waiting to hear from you all week and finally decided to come up here and check out your new place. How’s it going?”

  Suzanne and I worked together for three years in Real Estate. She was somewhere in her thirties, thin as a waif, and changed her hair color frequently. Her outfits always tested the standards of appropriate office attire, and since today was casual Friday, her dress was particularly revealing. In short, she looked like she always did—blinding, available, and nosy.

  “Sorry I haven’t been in touch,” I said. “Busy trying to get settled in. There’s a lot of work.”

  “I can imagine.” She sat down in the chair by my desk and leaned in, her voice conspiratorial. “You alone?”

  I nodded.

  “I did some checking around, and I hear H
erbert Townsend is a real hard-ass.”

  I liked Mr. Townsend and her comment pushed a button. “He wants things a certain way, but he’s quite nice, actually. Much more considerate than Murphy.”

  “Maybe so,” she said, arching her overplucked eyebrows, “but you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Any contact with the other T and E lawyers?”

  “Several of them have stopped in to say hi, but I only work for two, Mr. Townsend and an associate named Aaron Roth.” She was eager for takeaway gossip, so I gave her something benign. “Actually, T and E lawyers are a lot more chill than the real estate vultures. I like it up here.”

  She cocked her head. “Anything new in the romance department? You have to get out there and snag another man. What’s life without—”

  “Suzanne….” I didn’t even try to sound friendly. “I told you, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’ll move on when I’m ready. Meanwhile—”

  She put a hand up. “Just concerned about you, honey. Sorry if I hit a nerve.”

  My huff carried weight. “You didn’t. I just don’t seem to have the… resilience that you do when it comes to men.”

  She cackled. “You’ll get there, sweetheart. Experience is the best teacher. That skin around your heart’s going to toughen up, and one day you’ll realize that Matthew is in charge. The jerks can sniff around you all day long like a pack of dogs, but you’ll fuck who you please.”

  What a revolting image. Time to get rid of her. “It was nice of you to come up, Suzanne, but I really ought to get back—”

  Suddenly, the office door flew open and a familiar, low voice called out. “Morning, good-looking! I brought you—” Aaron stopped midstride and shut up, his grin frozen in place. He was resplendent in a dark blue cashmere overcoat, which reminded me that it was forty degrees outside after a week in the seventies.