The Chrismukkah Crisis

by Ryan Taylor

  “Can you imagine feeling that free?” I thought Ben was being an asshole and wheeled on him, ready to strike. Instead of wearing a snarky smile, though, he was watching Matt, beaming almost as much as my boyfriend was. “I’d give anything to feel that free.”

  Matt must have sensed us watching him because he stopped and looked our way. His eager, lopsided grin brought tears of happiness to my eyes. “Do you guys love the snow, too?”

  “You’re a lucky bastard, Aaron,” my brother mumbled. “I’m so jealous. Time to put myself back out there.”

  We were at the East Hampton Ice Arena, where my high school hockey team used to practice. The building was dull and gray, inside and out, but on this Christmas Eve it was crammed full of colorfully dressed people, all having a good time and making lots of noise. Matt was irresistible in a green hoodie that brought out the color in his hazel eyes, and I realized I was going to have to be extra careful not to get distracted and have a stupid accident.

  Ben and I had brought our hockey skates, and Matt rented some figure skates. He turned out to be pretty good. I think all his dance experience gave him the balance and confidence you need to skate well. Ben was good, too, and the three of us had a fun time on the ice.

  Matt and I mostly skated together, but he insisted that I do a few laps on my own. “I want to see what the infamous hockey defenseman Aaron Roth can do,” he said, before sending me on my way with a slap on the ass.

  It was fun to let go and fly around the arena. Skating had always helped me feel centered, and I needed some Zen that afternoon. I was getting jittery thinking about later.

  After a while, we took a break to get some hot cider. Ben was chatting up some girl, and I chuckled to myself. I guess he was serious about putting himself back out there. Matt and I found a quiet spot and I played with his hair while he drank his cider. When I moved my fingers down to his throat, he ducked his head to the side. “Tickles!”

  “Sorry. I like to see you smile.”

  “You’re a really good skater,” he said. “Would you help me get better at skating backwards?”

  “You’ve got it, as soon as we go back on the ice.” I leaned in for a short kiss. His lips were warm despite the chilly air, and I tasted cider and Matt.

  “That’d be great.” The shimmer of love in his eyes made me weak in the knees. “You looked so happy out there. Do you skate much anymore?”

  I swallowed hard. My nerves were jangly, but I had a good feeling about things. “Not in DC. No time. I used to play pick-up with some buddies in law school, though.”

  Matt waved at Ben, who was doing laps again—by himself, unfortunately. “You heard what Liam said about the firm not wanting people to be there at night, or on weekends. Maybe you could get involved with an adult league or something. Everybody needs to blow off steam.”

  “That’s not a bad idea.” I tweaked his nose and grinned. “You’re a pretty smart guy for a nerdy English major.”

  Damn, he was fast! He smacked my cheek before I saw it coming. “Ass!”

  “That hurt,” I snapped.

  His mouth fell open. “I-I’m sorry.”

  That time, I got him on the jaw. “Only kidding, but just for that, I’m going to show your ass a thing or two later.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Promises, promises….”

  Back on the ice, Matt surprised me by how quickly he picked up on some tricks I showed him about skating backwards. After a few minutes, Ben talked him into doing a few laps together. “Maybe I’ll switch teams,” he said, “since I don’t seem to be having much luck with the ladies.”

  “Such a tease,” Matt said, and they took off.

  Half an hour later, we were back in the car, driving home. My stomach was a jumble of bats and elephants, competing for space. Another hour and you’ll know.

  Matthew

  Skating with Aaron was a real eye-opener. I hoped to see him that happy in his new job, practicing the kind of law he’d always wanted to.

  Something changed on the drive home. I let Ben sit in front with Aaron because his legs were a lot longer than mine, which gave me a good view of Aaron’s jaw—set and tense, even as he joked around with his brother. He’d been acting kind of weird all day, and I hoped it didn’t have anything to do with me.

  “Pull in here,” Ben told him, as we came up to a big grocery store. “I need to run in.”

  “No.” Aaron’s voice was sharp, but he looked panicked instead of pissed. “Look how crowded it is. We’d be in there forever.”

  Ben raised his eyebrows. “We need some beer, dude. Nothing but piss water left at home.”

  “Oh, fuck!” I giggled at the way Aaron punctuated the F-word with a big bob of his head. “We got to make it quick.”

  Thirty minutes later, after they’d bought out half the beer department, we were on our way home again. We got there about five fifteen and found Louise sitting in the living room with the copy of A Christmas Carol I’d left there earlier. It had gotten dark outside, and the tree blazed in holiday glory.

  “I can’t believe how much food Andie sent over today. With what I ordered, we’ll have a feast for five thousand tomorrow, even after we eat dinner tonight.” She grimaced and looked my way. “Is that the right way to say it? Feast for five thousand?”

  “I think so, but I’m a heathen, so what do I know?” My eyes were suddenly drawn to a table by the fireplace. “What’s that? I didn’t see it before.” I ran over to look at it, and then glanced around in confusion. “Why do you have a nativity scene? It’s so beautiful.”

  Louise walked over beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. “I borrowed it from Andie Macadam. She brought it over while you were out.”

  I couldn’t keep my hands off it. “I love the intricate carvings. The detail is amazing, and what’s this wood… walnut?” I laughed. “And look at this chubby baby!” I turned to Louise, without taking my finger off the baby. “You didn’t have to do this. You’re Jewish, and I’m excited to learn about Hanukkah.”

  “I told you, we’re very open, and I wanted a piece of your heritage here. Christmas Eve and the first night of Hanukkah don’t coincide too often, so let’s learn about one another.”

  Aaron and Ben were standing with us by then, and everybody was smiling.

  “Like I said before,” Ben said, “it’s Chrismukkah!”

  Louise snickered. “And thanks to Liam, our Chrismukkah crisis has been laid to rest.”

  Everybody laughed except Aaron. “Mom, I want to take Matt for a walk.” He looked a little like he’d rather throw up. “We’ll try to be back by six, but if we’re a little late, is it okay?” He was breathing hard, and did not appear happy. “You know….”

  She put a hand on his arm. “It’s fine, son. We’ll light the candles when you get back.”

  “It’s cold as a witch’s tit out there.” Ben’s simile made his mother shake her head, and he made a silly face before he looked back at Aaron and me. “Don’t you two want to stay here and have some beer?”

  “No, I want to show Matt something.” I thought Aaron tried to smile at me, but it looked more like a grimace. “Be right back, and then we’ll go.” He took off up the stairs. Something was definitely going on.

  Other guys have acted like this before, and it never turned out to be anything good. Please don’t let him be taking me somewhere to break up with me. Not on Christmas Eve. I love him so much. Please, please, please….

  Aaron

  Holy fucking shit! I was so close to hyperventilating that I had to take a minute upstairs to sit down on the loveseat. Slow and easy breaths. He feels the same way, you’ll see.

  I had to piss, and after another few seconds saying a prayer (there’s a first for everything), I took my treasure out of the desk drawer and opened the bedroom door.

  There stood Ben, wearing a frown. “What’s up, bro? And don’t say nothing. You’re acting really weird, and you’ve got a boyfriend down there who’s looking a little freaked out.”


  “Not now, Ben. I’ve got to go.”

  He put a hand on my arm. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.” I didn’t say anything, and he tightened his grip. “Does it have anything to do with Matt? Listen to me… you’ve dated some losers, and you’ve got it good now. Please tell me you aren’t going to do something stupid.”

  I put my free hand against his chest and pushed, but he didn’t move. Shit! You need to hit the gym harder. “Ben, I’ll explain later. Please let me go.”

  Matthew

  Where is he?

  Louise was talking about Dickens and I was trying to listen, but something about Aaron had me all worked up. He’d seemed a little out of it out all afternoon, and it got worse when we came home. If he breaks up with me, where will I go? Maybe the Macadams would take me in for the night.

  “Do you think there’s any significance to Dickens using both ‘ghost’ and ‘spirit’? It seems that he considered them interchangeable, but I’m not sure he would have been that casual.”

  At last, footsteps slapped down the stairs, and Aaron came rushing into the room. His cheeks were splotchy and his forehead was wrinkled up, not to mention a little sweaty. “Ready?”

  We put on the coats we’d left next to the door and headed out. He was way too quiet and didn’t seem in the mood to talk when I tried to make conversation. “What’s so important that you have to show me now?” I finally asked.

  “You’ll see. It’s really cool.” He may as well have been reciting the ABCs.

  “Aaron, if you’re going to break—”

  He took my hand. “I think I saw a snowflake. Try to relax.”

  I’d heard that in the past, usually closely followed by, “It’s me, not you.”

  When we passed Arboretum Drive, I saw the well-lit entrance to the Macadam driveway in the distance. You might have to hoof it over there in a little while. How pathetic will they think you are? You’ll have to quit the job before you start.

  “Here we are.”

  I peeked at Aaron and was relieved to see a big grin that had his cheekbones especially high. The gleam in his eye was hypnotic. See, he loves you. It’ll be okay. Please let it be okay.

  “Right in here,” he said.

  He led us into… I wasn’t sure. Some kind of park? A few dim lights gave the area an impressionistic glow. There were trees all around the perimeter of a large lawn, and it was so cold that when I stepped forward the grass crunched under my feet. A few sculptures were here and there, and a gazebo sat in the middle. I looked at Aaron. “What is this?”

  “It’s one of the places I used to come to think about you.” His eyes softened, and the reflection of soft light in them was bewitching. “To dream about you.”

  A smile worked at my lips, and I shook my head, confused. “What?”

  “Come here.” He led me to the gazebo, where we walked up the steps and sat down on a bench inside. The air was frigid and I wanted to snuggle into him, but he turned toward me and took my hands. I couldn’t look away from his face, entranced again by the way his amber eyes seemed to glow. “I used to come here, usually about this time of day, and think about you. I didn’t know your name, but I knew you were out there.”

  Something began pulling at the edges of my heart. I was confused because Aaron wasn’t usually one to beat around the bush. “What are you talking about?”

  He chewed at his lips for a moment, looking to the side. When he brought his eyes back to me, his smile made my heart flutter. “I’ve always been in love with you, Matthew Kennington.”

  Oh God! He’s never said my full name before.

  Aaron

  Matt was scared, and I hated that, but I’d needed to get him alone in this special place. I wasn’t sure how long we’d been sitting here, while I opened and closed my mouth, over and over, trying to find words.

  “Are you okay, Aaron? If you have something to say, just—”

  “Look!” I pointed into the air outside the gazebo. “It’s snowing.” White flakes floated in the air, transforming the atmosphere into something lacy and elegant.

  “Wow! It’s beautiful.” He got up and walked out to the gazebo’s steps, extending his hand to catch snowflakes.

  I watched him for a bit and got an irrational fear that he might leave. “No! Come back!”

  He turned, blinking, his brows close together. “What is it, Aaron? What do you want to say to me?”

  “Come here.” I stood and held out my hands. “Please.”

  Slowly, cautiously, he walked across the wooden floor, his sneakers making a little noise. When he got to me, he took my hands.

  “Sit down.”

  He sank onto the wooden bench. I took one hand back and reached into my coat pocket as I lowered myself to one knee.

  “Aaron, I—”

  “Be quiet, now. Listen to me.” His eyes were so wide I could see white all the way around.

  “Matthew Kennington, you’re the man I’ve dreamed about my whole life. I used to sit here, even when I was too scared to tell anybody I was gay, and I’d think about you. I’d hope against hope that I’d meet you someday. I wondered if you lived in California or Australia, or maybe France.” I gave a little nervous chuckle. “I never thought about Cheektowaga, but why not? Just didn’t know about it was all.”

  “Aaron!” There was enough light for me to see the shine of tears on his cheeks.

  A surge of courage had me forging ahead. “One time I was here and there was a storm. When it finally stopped raining, I saw a rainbow. I remembered that rainbows meant promises, and I knew about the rainbow flag, that it was a gay symbol.” I stopped to look at him, and Matt stared at me out of glimmering eyes, a gentle smile gracing his lips. “Anyway, I saw the rainbow and knew you were just on the other side. I reached my hand out toward the sky.” My voice cracked. “I could almost feel you, Matt.”

  “Aaron, you’re….”

  “I love you, Matt Kennington.” I held up the little box with my grandpa’s ring inside. “Will you please be my husband? I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  Matthew

  My chest was tight and I was only able to take tiny little sips of air. Aaron held up a burgundy velvet box containing a gold signet ring with some small Hebrew letters engraved on it. He said the word husband, I know he did.

  “What?” I was close to passing out. “Did you say…?”

  He spread his mouth into a radiant smile, his eyes bright and shiny. “Baby, I asked you to marry me.”

  A hard sob burst out of my throat. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and it took a minute for me to catch my breath. “You want to get married?”

  He laughed, sounding a little crazy. “I do!”

  Yes! I’m so in love with you that I can hardly think every time I see you. I’ve been waiting for you all my life, too.

  The frenzied hope in Aaron’s eyes convinced me. Of course I would—

  Matthew, no! This is insane. You haven’t even known him for a month.

  I licked my lips over and over, my eyes blinking so fast they hurt.

  It’s too soon. He doesn’t know what he wants. It’s Christmas Eve, and he’s wrapped up in sentiment. You need to take some time, think this through, be smart for both of you. How many times are you going to let your heart be demolished?

  Aaron was still kneeling in front of me, holding up the ring. His breath came quickly, and his pupils were huge. The moonlight highlighted the sweat on his forehead.

  Say yes! This is what you’ve dreamed about your whole life!

  “I love you, Matt.” He smiled again, trapping his lower lip with his teeth and nodding his head.

  You’ll say yes, and things will go bad, and he’ll be sorry he asked, and everything will be mixed up, and things won’t—”

  In a sudden moment of clarity, I remembered what John had said earlier that afternoon. “Your heart can get you hurt, too, but you’ll never have regrets if you follow it.” He was right. “You might spend a life
time regretting things if you give in to negative ideas that keep you from being happy.”

  How did he…?

  “Promise me you won’t let yourself get caught up in worrying about how things are usually done or what people expect.”

  I was head over heels in love with Aaron, and I was positive he loved me too. I looked into his worried eyes and grinned. “Yes! I can’t wait to marry you.”

  His face relaxed as he pulled my left hand toward him, and then let go. I realized what he was going to do and splayed my fingers while he took the ring out of the box. Another tear, cold in the snowy air, tickled its way down my cheek as he pushed the ring onto my finger.

  He looked up at me in wonder. “It’s too big, but I think it’ll stay on till we can get it resized.” His eyes didn’t leave mine as he stood and took me in his arms.

  Panic struck. “Aaron, I don’t have a ring for you!”

  “We can take care of that, the day after Christmas if you want.”

  “Wait.” I pulled back and took the ring off my right middle finger. “Will you wear this until we get you a proper ring? It’s the biggest one I have, so maybe it’ll fit you.”

  He had on his goofy-happy grin by then. “Try to stop me.” He held out his hand, and after I managed to get the ring on his pinkie, he took me in his arms again.

  We held each other for a while before starting toward home. It was snowing hard, and about halfway there, we stopped for a few minutes to play. A snowball fight led to our smearing some white stuff onto each other’s faces and kissing it off. In a way, I was sorry when we walked on. We were leaving behind some magical moments that could never be recovered, but we had a wonderful memory to take with us.

  Aaron

  We didn’t waste any time telling the news. Mom grabbed Matt, and Ben squeezed me so tightly I thought I’d pop. “That’s kickass, bro! Mazel tov!” After slapping my back a few times, he pulled away, looking a bit peevish. “But you realize this is going to put hella pressure on me, you bastard!”

  “Does the ring fit?” Mom asked, after giving me a hug and planting a kiss on my cheek.

  Matt held it out so everybody could see. “It’s a little big, but Aaron said we can have it resized.”