In the Crease (Assassins Book 11)

by Toni Aleo

  The baggage for the baby he so desperately wanted.

  She opened her eyes as she inhaled harshly. She had to know. Moving her head, she pulled back to look at him as he moved his head. “Jensen.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, meeting her gaze, and God, he looked so beautiful. So content, so relaxed, while she felt like she was coming out of her skin. But looking into his eyes, she felt herself calming a bit.

  Swallowing hard, she almost didn’t ask, but then she knew she had to. “I need to ask you something.”

  His eyes searched hers as his thumbs moved along her back, sending chills up her spine. “What’s that?”

  Her heart was pounding in her ears and making her head hurt, but if she didn’t ask, if she didn’t find out the truth, she was going to make herself crazy. “Why won’t you sleep with me?”

  Jensen’s mouth went dry.

  His heart rate picked up. It was beating so hard, he was sure she felt it as she held his gaze, slowly moving out of his arms and leaning into the island. “I mean, we’ve been doing this for two weeks, and we’re stalling at first base.”

  Crossing his arms over his chest, he backed into the counter as she slowly nodded. “I-I want—” He stopped, shaking his head, trying to get his words together. He sensed this wasn’t going to go smoothly. “I want to wait.”

  “Wait? For what?”

  “I want it to be right.”

  Her brows pulled together. “Right?”

  “Yeah,” he said, his gaze held hostage in hers. “I want it to be for real, as fucking girly as that sounds. I want it to mean something. I don’t want it to be because we’re both hot for each other and we get carried away. You mean more to me than that, and I refuse to just fuck for nothing.”

  “It wouldn’t be for nothing,” she said slowly, bringing her lip between her teeth.

  His head fell to the side. “So you love me?”

  She scrunched up her face, and his heart dropped to his gut. “People fuck without loving each other all the time.”

  “Exactly. They fuck, and I don’t want to fuck you, Wren. That isn’t how I work.”

  Her eyes darkened. “That’s dumb. If we want each other, what’s the problem? Do you not want me?”

  He swallowed hard, trying to keep his composure. “I want you more than I can even express, but you’ve been fucked by nothing but assholes. When I finally make love to you, I want you to know that it’s for real and that it’s forever.” When she rolled her eyes before she closed them, shaking her head, his blood started to boil. “When I told you I wanted to show you what it’s like to be treated well by a real man, I wasn’t kidding.” Opening her eyes, she met his heated gaze. “Even if it will require every ounce of restraint I have in my body to keep from taking that sweet ass in my hands and ruining you in a way that no man has ever been able to do.”

  She gasped slightly as she held his gaze, her eyes dark and annoyed. “I’m sorry, but you’re a man. If you wanted me, then you would take me. Men don’t have restraint when it comes to fucking. They think with their cocks.”

  Now he was pissed. “Do you not know me?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “But by saying that, you don’t. Because I’m not like other men, and my cock doesn’t run my life. I do. I decide what I want, and while I want you, I know I need to give you time to realize that I can want you without being inside you, before I let that happen.”

  “That’s insane. Take me if you want me, because I don’t believe that shit, and I want you. Bad.”

  Pushing off the counter, he dug his fingers into his palms as he stared down at her. “Wren, I’m not like those other fuckers. I respect you. I care for you. I want you without having to fuck you. I want you for who you are, not how fucking hot I assume your pussy is.”

  She was breathless as she looked up at him, heat in her eyes. “Or, you just can’t do it because you’re only doing this as a means to an end.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Excuse me? What does that mean?”

  Emotion flashed in her eyes as she stood in front of him. “It means that I’m your ticket to the kid you want, and you’re just staying with me until he comes and I get what I want, my money, before you’re out the fucking door.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” he roared. “That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard you say. And you know what? That hurts. I can’t believe you would think that.”

  But she was unaffected. “Have you made me think otherwise?”

  His mouth dropped open. “Wren, I tell you daily I think you’re beautiful. I yearn for you. My cock stays hard around you, but you’re trying to revert back to what you know. You know sex, you know how to do that because you don’t have to feel anything but good when a cock is deep inside of you. But what I want is you to realize my words are my promise, and everything I say is true. It’s hard for you, I get it, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You can’t say—”

  “I can! I don’t care if it pisses you off, but I won’t let you fuck your way through your feelings with me. I deserve better than that.”

  “I’m not trying to do that!”

  “You’re lying, Wren. I can see right through you.”

  “Whatever. This is bullshit.” She tried to walk away, but he stopped her, standing in front of her.

  “No, we’re talking this through.” She glared back at him as he started to speak. “Let’s rewind to that night we went to dinner before we got married. Did you want to sleep with me that night because we were getting married or because you wanted me naked?” She went to answer, but he stopped her. “Honestly. It won’t hurt my feelings.”

  She blinked and then shrugged. “I mean, I guess both. I wanted you naked, but I felt like maybe we should get it on.”

  “Get it on, not make love.”

  Her brow rose. “That’s dumb. No one makes love anymore, Jensen.”

  “I do. I make fucking love. I don’t fuck. I don’t use a girl to get off. I have sex with her because I want to please her. I want to make her yearn for me. Want more because she means something to me. Do I mean anything to you?”

  “Yes, of course,” she answered quickly. “I care for you.”

  “Do you like me?”

  Her eyes narrowed as annoyance filled her flushed face. “Yeah.”

  “Do you love me?”

  Her eyes widened as she looked away, unsure what to say. “I mean, no… I don’t know. Why? Why do words matter?”

  Wow, that stung, but before he could wallow in that, he yelled, “Because the words you’ve been given have been utter shit, and you don’t know what it’s like to use your words for good. To make someone feel good. To lift them up and make their days better.”

  “I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation. If you don’t want to fuck me, don’t.”

  “You’re right, I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you that when I look at you, I see a goddess. I see someone I can spend the rest of my life with—”

  Throwing her hands up, she exclaimed, “This was supposed to be fake!” It was as if she’d slapped him. His lips pressed together as her eyes filled with tears. “When I asked you to do this, Jensen, I said it would be fake. You’re the one who wanted it to be real.”

  He swallowed hard as he held her gaze. “You’re right, because it’s not fake for me. None of it. Everything I feel, everything I say, is fucking real, Wren.” Her lips snapped shut as she watched him stare back at her. “This was real the moment I asked you to marry me. And, Wren, I get it, sweetheart, I do. This scares the fuck out of you, but just think how scared I am. I’m investing every single ounce of myself in you with the hope that you don’t shatter me. I’m willing to risk a very long friendship with your brother, with your family, shit, even with mine, for you. So yeah, I don’t want to fuck you. I want to make love to you, and I refuse to do anything else but that.”

  Holdin
g his gaze, she shook her head. “That isn’t what I wanted, though.”

  “Still? I mean, shit, Wren, it’s been weeks, and you still don’t want this? Me?”

  The tears started to spill over her sweet cheeks as she shrugged. “I just don’t know.”

  Looking away, he fell back into the cabinets as he covered his face, feeling his heart shatter. He loved this girl, so fucking much, and he felt like he was in a losing battle. Yet, he didn’t have it in him to accept defeat. Clearing his throat free of the emotion that wanted to suffocate him, he looked up at her as she cried softly before him. He didn’t know what to say, and yet, he just wanted to reach for her. Hold her, calm her. Was he pathetic?

  “Do you love me?” she asked then as she slowly looked up at him, her eyes flooded with tears. It left him feeling like he had just taken a puck to the chest with no protection whatsoever, but then, that’s how he always felt around her. “Everyone says you do, but surely, if you did, you would have tried something before all this.”

  Swallowing hard, he nodded. “I do.”

  A sob escaped her lips. “What? How? Why? You’ve never said anything.”

  “Because I couldn’t.” Her tears fell faster as she shook her head. “I knew you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in my whole entire life the moment I met you. I wanted you. So fucking badly. But I wouldn’t disrespect your parents in their house. I just wouldn’t, and you never seemed interested in me, so I buried my feelings.”

  Her eyes widened as her mouth trembled. “What? Since then?”

  “Yeah,” he said with a nod, his heart clanking against his ribs. “Then I met Ophelia, and I convinced myself I loved her. In reality, I always thought of you. I waited for you to text me, needing me, and I would come because I had this compulsion inside of me to always be there for you. When she left me, I was crushed, but I still thought about you. I knew I wasn’t good enough for you. I was sterile, you were fucking gorgeous and amazing, and you needed a man who would give you children. I couldn’t do it.”

  “Jensen,” she cried, reaching out, but her hands fell when he backed farther into the counter. If she touched him, he’d lose it.

  “But then that time we were out at NateWay, and you were flirting with me about that damn hammer, I thought, this is it, take her in your arms and tell her how you feel. But I didn’t. Because my issue held me back, and I knew you weren’t into relationships. Then days turned into months. We both were on different tracks in life, and while I never didn’t think about you, I knew I wasn’t on your radar until that moment you asked for me to be the father of your kid,” he said, his voice breaking. “So yeah, this wasn’t real for you, but it’s been real for me since the moment I met you. And fucking hell, I want you to love me back. I want it so badly because I have loved you and will love you long after you’re gone. You’re it for me.”

  She looked away, and her mouth trembled as she ran her hands down her face, catching her tears and wiping them away. He knew he shouldn’t have unloaded on her, she hadn’t had the best day, but it was bound to happen. In all reality, they should have done this at the beginning, before they were almost three weeks in. But there they were, standing in the kitchen, both in tears. “I don’t know what to say.”

  He let out a harsh breath as he shook his head. “What do you want, Wren?” he asked softly as her body continued to shake with her sobs. Knowing that he meant nothing more than friendship to her really hurt. But had he really expected anything else? He was pretty sure he always knew nothing would come out of this except a good set of parents for the kid she was carrying. Maybe she was using him. “Now that you know how I feel, what I want, what do you want? Do you just want to use me? Do you want to fuck? Get off and keep this simple between us? Fine. Let’s fuck, if that’s truly what you want.”

  Now he was being an asshole. He knew that, especially when she looked up at him, her eyes dark as the tears spilled out of them. “No, that’s not what I want. That’s the last fucking thing I want. I don’t want to use you, but you don’t have to make it sound so damn vulgar,” she said, rolling her eyes as his heart sped up in his chest. “Some people in love fuck too.”

  “Which I would be completely down for if you had any intention of loving me, but you’ve made it fully known that’s not the case here. So yeah, thanks.” Reaching for his keys, he passed by her, going toward the door.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I need some air.”

  She sputtered, and the panic was in her voice as she said, “But I thought we were doing the nursery.”

  “Why? So you can pack it up once he’s here? I’ll put together the bassinet later.”

  Reaching for the door, he pulled it open as the tears flooded his eyes. Before he could go out though, she said, “Jensen, please.”

  He paused, glancing at her. “What?”

  Her eyes were wide, her body shaking as she held his gaze, fear in her expression. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, when you know, it’d be great if you could let me know.”

  With that, he left.

  Without his heart.

  Wren had owned that for as long as he could remember.

  And the problem was, he didn’t know how to get it back.

  Or if he wanted it back.

  It was hers.

  Even when she disintegrated it.

  Staring at the back of the door, Wren’s lips trembled as her tears fell in droves down her cheeks.

  Well, that was awesome.

  Not.

  Sliding down the back of the island, she sat on the ground and tried to lean on her legs, but her belly was in the way. She let her arms drop as she looked up at the lip of the counter and the ceiling, her tears continuing to roll down her face as she cried. She hadn’t expected for this to happen. She hadn’t wanted to fight with him; she’d just wanted an answer. That was all. But instead, she ended up with way more than she thought she would have gotten, and now, she didn’t know what to do.

  Every single one of his words hit her in ways she didn’t expect them to. She didn’t believe anyone else when they’d said almost the same thing that Jensen had said, but hearing it from his lips, watching as his eyes bored into hers, she knew she couldn’t deny his words. He meant them, and they rattled her soul like a pothole did a car. How in the world had she been so oblivious to how he felt? Years, he had felt like that, and he’d thought he wasn’t good enough for her?

  She let out a sob as she shook her head. “He’s too good for me.”

  Would things have been different? Would she have changed her ways for him? Or would she have fucked him and left him? She didn’t know, and that made her feel worthless. What was wrong with her? As she sat there, her tears nearly drowning her, she kept asking herself the same question he had asked.

  What did she want?

  But she couldn’t answer what should be such a simple question.

  At first, she had only wanted to get her money. But now…now, she felt different.

  She wanted more.

  The last couple weeks had been a whirlwind for her. She went from being completely alone, facing everything by herself, to having this gorgeous, amazing man stand beside her through a storm that wasn’t his, but one he welcomed. Brie was right; he did look at her like a goddess. He loved her.

  Fuck. He loved her.

  And she just told him she didn’t know how she felt.

  What the hell?

  She probably hurt him. Well, no, she knew she did, and that hurt her most of all. She didn’t want to do that. Even from the beginning of this, she’d never wanted that. Promised everyone she wouldn’t do it, but she had. What in the hell was she doing?

  Was she using him?

  Damn it.

  Reaching for her phone, she hit her brother’s number, and as the phone rang, she begged for him to answer. She wasn’t sure why she was calling the one person who was completely against this, but she was. Thankfully, he answered in his low voice, “Wow, ne
ver thought you’d call me first.”

  “Wells,” she cried, her voice breaking all over the place.

  “Whoa, Wren, are you okay?”

  “No,” she admitted, her heart aching. “We got into a fight.”

  “We’re brother and sister, it happens. I still love you.”

  “No, not us,” she said, shaking her head. “Though I love you too, even if you’re a dick. I mean Jensen and me.”

  “Oh,” he said softly, and then she heard a door shut. “What happened?”

  She swallowed hard. “I can’t tell you.”

  He inhaled harshly. “Okay, do you want me to come kick his ass?”

  She scoffed at that. “No. Just tell me what I want.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. Like, what do I want in all this? What am I doing?”

  He laughed. “Hell, I can’t tell you that. I sure as shit don’t know. You’re a complex one.”

  She closed her eyes. “He’s going to leave me.”

  His laughter stopped abruptly. “Never. Jenny wouldn’t do that.”

  “I’m going to push him away.” When Wells didn’t say anything, Wren knew she was right. “And I don’t want to do that. I care for him. A lot,” she admitted, and her words startled her.

  Clearing his throat, he said, “I don’t know what happened since you won’t tell me, but if I know one thing, Jensen doesn’t hold a grudge. If you apologize, he’ll forgive you.”

  “I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I might be using him.” She cringed, her heart sinking in her chest.

  Wells muttered something along the lines of “I knew it” before he clucked his tongue at her. “Wren.”

  “I know, I know you said I was, and I denied it. But I’ve gone two fucking weeks more worried about when we’re going to fuck than seeing all the signs that he truly loves me.”

  He exhaled into the phone. “He does. For as long as I can remember.”

  “And that’s not fair.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “Because he’s a good man.”

  “The best.”

  Her sobs racked her body as she slowly shook her head. “I don’t want to hurt him.”