“I feel unworthy, dirty, evil, mean-spirited, and self-centered.” Tears fell unchecked from her eyes.
“Tuksook, that I can understand. Little One, you are human. You are comparing yourself not even with another human, which is not Wisdom’s way, but you are comparing yourself with Wisdom. That is folly!” He held her tight. “Tuksook, you love Wisdom. Trust that you’ll learn and change with Wisdom’s guidance on this trek. Relax. Wisdom knows you’re young and human. What’s the worst thing that could happen in your time with Wisdom?”
She looked deeply into his eyes. Her seriousness was tangible. “To be barred from Wisdom’s presence,” she whispered. “Wisdom is more important to me that breathing or eating.”
He held her gently in his arms. They looked up at the starry sky. After much time, Tuksook relaxed. “Thank you, Gumui. There was just so much pressure today. You are kind to me.”
“Tuksook, I love you. I’m here for you on this learning adventure and as long as we live.”
After a long time of quiet, Tuksook said, “I did find out something interesting today. Ki’ti is one of my ancestors.”
“That’s interesting information. She was an amazing woman.”
“Not according to Wisdom. She was almost as hard to deal with as I am.”
“Wisdom told you that?”
“Yes. Wisdom told me that. Wisdom also said that to tell the People what they need to know—Wisdom could’ve used a rock or a cloud or a bison instead of me. When I waked up there was a bison eating right by me. Even though I didn’t want to make any noise, part of me wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh. I had to work hard to move the idea to the back of my mind web, as close as that bison was. Why would I want to laugh when there was a wild bison beside me? It certainly wasn’t the bison that would tell the People what Wisdom wanted them to know!” At that, the laugh that had been stifled burst out from her, starting with a little giggle and growing to laughter she couldn’t control. It was contagious and Gumui joined her. She laughed until her back hurt.
When the laughter subsided, Gumui said, “I think we both needed that.”
“I know I did,” she replied.
She stood up and took both bowls to the lake. She rinsed them well and shook them. She returned and placed the bowls on the rock near the hearth. She took her sleeping skin from her backpack and began to lay it out. Gumui walked over to her.
“Wait,” he said.
She stood there with her sleeping skins in her hands. He took his large aurochs skin and laid it on the ground fully extended. He pulled out another skin from inside his backpack. He took her skins and placed them on the aurochs skin. He unrolled his beside hers.
“Tuksook, I am here. I will not desert you. When things become overwhelming, turn to me. I am not Wisdom, but I love you and I’m here to stand beside you. You do not have to go through this alone. You can share with me. What you’re doing with Wisdom is going to benefit the People. It will benefit me—and you. The least I can do is to stand by you. Just don’t close me off, Little One. Share with me. Will you promise?”
She looked up at him. They were standing facing one another. “I will promise, Gumui. You are a good man.” He hugged her to him gently. She ripped his belly. She was undergoing great change. It was for good. It was huge change for someone her age. She seemed strong but weak all at the same time. He adored her.
“Come, Tuksook. Let’s sleep.”
She walked over to the aurochs skin. She stepped on it hoping not to dirty it. She knelt under the shelter of the lean-to and crawled over to her place. She slipped under the coverings he had laid out. Gumui joined her after banking the fire. He faced her and encircled her with his arm. She felt safe and warm. She fell asleep quickly. So did Gumui.
They awakened to a bright cloudless sky overhead, birds announcing the day, and a rustling sound near the place where Gumui butchered the camel. Gumui was wary and quickly picked up a spear. The rustling sound concerned him. He looked carefully at the area but didn’t see anything. He realized he’d have to walk nearer to find the source of the noise. Gumui took the animal path on the other side of the lake. He didn’t have to go far. A bear had found the quartered camel remains even though Gumui had carefully sunk them in the water. He returned to Tuksook and the two of them quickly gathered their things and left the area crossing the hill to the north. They began a long trek down a valley between two long mountains that lay north to south.
For days they followed the valley until it opened onto a river and a wooded land beyond, different from the ones they’d traveled. They crossed the river. Spruce, hemlock, alder, willow, and cottonwoods filled the forest. A quiet spread through the area as if the forest itself ate sound. It carried a sense of age that drew respect. Some of the ancient forest grew trees upright from horizontally fallen trees, using the dead trees as soil. Moss and lichen grew in abundance everywhere. There was a visual softness to the place that belied the predatory habitat that it was. The area was different from all that surrounded it. It seemed as if every space in the forest supported life. Gumui and Tuksook were spellbound. They retraced their steps to emerge from the special place before speaking.
“What is that place?” Tuksook asked.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s old! Did you see how thick some of those trees are and how tall?”
“I tried to grasp it all with my eyes, Gumui. I just couldn’t see it all at one time.” Tuksook looked beside her to see a wild rose climbing a tree trunk in the bright sun. Three brilliant pink roses bloomed. She saw a log and took one of her leather sleep coverings and laid it on the top. The two sat on the skin-covered log looking at the special forest across from them.
“There is a place just inside the forest where a lean-to would be well placed. I’ll hunt while you set up. Tuksook?”
“Yes?”
“Do not visit Wisdom while I’m gone.”
“I will obey,” she replied.
“I do not understand this place. We need to know what predators are here before we can be comfortable. It’s too quiet. Predators would not give themselves away from noise. You will obey?”
“I already told you I would obey!” She was irritated.
Gumui was having to grow accustomed to the change in her. She was no longer doing childish things, but his trust did not come easily.
“I will do this as quickly as possible.”
“I wish you good hunting, Gumui. Stay safe.”
“Thank you.”
“I thank you,” she replied.
Tuksook lifted her backpack to carry it into the edge of the ancient forest. Then, she went back to pick up Gumui’s. It was heavy but she was strong. She busied herself preparing a lean-to for the night. Then she gathered rocks and made the hearth. Tuksook had some difficulty there. In this special forest things were damp. Outside the forest, deadfall logs had dried out. She had to go outside the forest to gather useful wood for the fire.
She took a spear with her. Carefully, as she’d been taught, she used her nose before her eyes. Tuksook smelled nothing that alerted her to animals. She looked carefully in the open area. There was nothing she could see. She listened carefully. She walked to the forest they’d come through. She managed to find fallen limbs, and she began to gather them. Tuksook smiled as she returned to the lean-to. Tuksook thought she must look like a caribou with all the limbs and branches she carried. She laid them beside the hearth and returned to the forest across the river. She gathered as many as she had on the first trek. The amount satisfied her as adequate.
Tuksook spent some time breaking the branches to hearth-sized lengths. Some were too difficult to break, so she apologized to a tree into which she whacked the long branches, easily breaking the wood into several pieces. Carefully she stacked them near the hearth.
She started a fire, because it was becoming dark. She knew how Gumui would arrange the bedding in the lean-to, but she still would not touch his things. She dragged a log over to the west edge of th
e lean-to so they could sit there to watch the fire. The way Tuksook set the log would provide good predator protection from the front. Three large trees grew into each other just behind the lean-to, providing protection from the rear.
It was dark when Gumui returned. He carried a goose.
“I tried to pull all the feathers off,” he exclaimed as he arrived back at the campsite. “I gutted it and left its head for another to eat. I think we can cut it into smaller pieces so we can eat before morning,” he laughed. It was very late.
Tuksook was quick about taking a knife, removing the legs, cutting slits into the legs, and spearing them. She put the legs on long sticks to roast over the fire, and she took other sticks and speared smaller pieces bite-sized to feed them quicker. She put them on food spear holders to cook over the fire. Tuksook had found some greens earlier, and they were ready for him to pull out his bowl so they could be divided. Gumui took the meat that wasn’t cooking down to the river where he submerged the pieces and covered them with heavy rocks. He washed himself and returned.
“Tuksook, you know where my bowl is. You are free to open my backpack any time and take out what is necessary. Stop acting as if you are not allowed to open it.”
“I will,” she replied. She went to his backpack and pulled out his bowl. She divided the greens and went to check the small pieces that were cooking. She turned the meat and sat on the log. She thought how much she loved this adventure. She also wanted to return to Wisdom.
“Gumui, can we remain here tomorrow? I’d like some time with Wisdom.”
“Of course,” he replied. “I’d like to see more of this forest. I’d like to know what lives here and why this place of all the places we’ve been is so different. We will go out before high sun and then again later. Will your time with Wisdom fit between the two treks?”
“That should be good,” she replied. It seemed to Tuksook that Gumui was always a little ahead in planning. She wasn’t surprised, but she wondered whether he’d ever say that he hadn’t thought that far ahead. Gumui spread the aurochs skin out under the lean-to roof. He gathered her covers and his and arranged them just as he had been doing each night.
Tuksook stood up to check on the small pieces of goose. They appeared to be fully cooked, so she handed Gumui a bowl and she took hers. They slipped the meat from the sticks and dropped them into their bowls. The two returned to the log and began to eat. The goose was a little tough, but the flavor was good. They ate hungrily. When they finished they walked to the river and rinsed out the bowls. Gumui and Tuksook stood side-by-side looking at the starry night.
“I think I’ve never been so happy in all my life,” Tuksook said.
“I, too,” he replied.
“Gumui, when we return and I am learning to be a Wise One, will you occasionally take me on a trek like this?”
Gumui was troubled. He was unsure how to answer. “You will be under the total power of the Wise One, Tuksook. If he will give me permission, of course, I’d be glad to do it. But he may see that as too much danger for you and the People. We must do as he says. I can consider this: when we join, we could leave for a special place, and I could have some hunters provide a discreet surround.”
“When we join, I would love to return to this place, Gumui. This place is like none other!”
“This is a long distance from home,” he said.
“Is there a limit to distance?” she asked.
“Ah, Tuksook, you ask questions for which I have no answers to give. I think coming here is too far.”
Gumui was thinking thoughts prematurely again, and he had to stop his desire. He so he turned Tuksook towards him, bent over and caught her so that her hips were placed on his shoulder, and he secured her legs with his free arm.
“What are you doing, Gumui!” she shouted. “Put me down!” She pounded on his back with her fists.
She struggled, but he was too strong. He trotted back to the camp with her on his shoulder. When they returned he put the bowls on a rock by the fire and slid her off his shoulder onto the aurochs skin.
“I think it’s time we slept,” he said.
“Why did you do that?” she asked disconcerted.
“Because I wanted to stop your questions and my thoughts of joining,” he admitted.
“Why?” she probed.
“Tuksook, I want you, but you’re not woman yet. It is tempting out here with no one around to seize the moment and approach you, as if you were woman. I will not do that! So I have a fight with myself.”
“I wanted to ask you to kiss me.”
“Don’t, Tuksook. It’s not time yet. Don’t tempt me to do what is wrong.”
“Lots of young people fake join, Gumui. You know that!”
“That’s not right for me, Tuksook. You’re not woman, Little One. I will be joined with you with words, BEFORE we join physically. And you will fake join with no one. Is that clear? Fake joining steals approval authority from Wisdom.”
“I understand, Gumui.”
“Do not tempt me. It’s hard enough without that. If you tempt me, I will punish you.”
The specter of her father raised up in Tuksook’s mind web. He had given Gumui permission, even more had insisted, that he treat her as a child. She had fallen from their seeming to be equals on this trek to his being adult, her being child again. It caused her much discomfort. She tried to keep it in the perspective of “what is—is” but it was hard. She adored Gumui. She wanted to be as close as she could. She realized she had to be very careful. Unfortunately, she was not aware of what women did that tempted a man. That training was to occur when she became woman. Some girls seemed to know before that, but Item had not yet prepared her.
“Gumui,” she said somewhat timidly, “I may not know all I need to know to do what you ask.”
“Then, if I warn you to stop doing something, heed my words.”
“Thank you, Gumui.”
“I’m going to make water. I will return. It’s time for sleep.”
Tuksook went to the lean-to and slipped beneath the coverings. She was tired. She thought of herself on Gumui’s shoulder and for some reason it caused her to laugh. I must have looked like a giant deer quarter, she thought.
After some time, Gumui slipped in beside her, put his arm around her, and drew her back toward his belly, the way they’d slept the whole trek. She wondered how that wasn’t tempting, but she gave up those thoughts with the reasoning that she was not man.
In the morning they ate the goose legs after Tuksook heated them over the fire.
“That’s really hot!” Gumui said surprised.
She nodded, realizing she’d probably overcooked them. She’d been up for a long time.
They sat on the log eating the goose legs. Despite the toughness, the meat tasted good. They watched as a small brown bird with a reddish chest and short tail stared at them from a branch of the tree across from them. It remained there briefly as if examining them, and then it flew away. Gumui laughed lightly.
“Why do you laugh?” Tuksook asked.
“I guess it didn’t care for the looks of us,” he said smiling.
Tuksook smiled with him. She gathered the bones and placed them in her bowl. She took both bowls to the river to dump the bones there and to rinse out the bowls. She returned to the camp. Realizing she was a little chilly, she put on her cloak. She noticed Gumui had put on his tunic.
“I’d like to warm a little before we leave,” he said. “Tuksook, I don’t want to frighten you. Did I frighten you last night?”
“You didn’t frighten me. I am ignorant when it comes to women and men. I don’t want to tempt you without awareness. But you have said you’d tell me to stop, so I’m not concerned. It does, however, make me feel uncomfortable to have to realize you are adult, and I’m a child. On this trek I’ve let myself feel like a hunter, as if we are equal. It shatters me like a broken bone when I realize that you are adult and I am just a child. I reason that I fight against what is, and that�
�s futile, but that is how it is.”
Gumui sat there on the log and chuckled.
Tuksook stepped over to him and bent down to look in his face. “It’s NOT funny,” she said with all her strength.
He laughed harder. “To recognize you do something futile, and to continue to do it as if you might stumble over a different result—that’s funny! You’re too smart for that.”
For some reason even he couldn’t understand, he continued to laugh. The laughter enraged her. She made fists and hit him about the shoulders. At one point she hit his ear and he stopped laughing, grabbing her, pinning her to the ground on her back, straddling her, and holding her wrists to the ground on either side of her head.
“Don’t ever hit me again,” he said firmly. “You may sometimes go to the spiritual world, but you live in the real world. In this world you ARE a child. Whether you like it or not, you are a child. You have no authority to hit me. If you doubt that, ask Wisdom.” He pulled her up to her feet roughly in front of him.
Tears ran shamelessly down her face. She was emptied. He had the same effect on her that Wisdom had recently.
“You are right, Gumui. I will not hit you again. Will you forgive me?”
“I’ll forgive you, but do not repeat that. You realize that you just proved my statement to be true. Tuksook, you are in many ways mature for your age. In other ways you’re very immature. Some of what you do is acceptable; some is not. You are a great hunter for a girl and your age. As long as you live, you’ll never be as good as a moderately good hunter. That’s just how life is. It’s because you’re female. You cannot gain the strength. It’s not your purpose in life. Out here, I trust that you have the hunting skills you have. If I broke a leg, you’d do a fair job of feeding us. But you could not bring me back to our home. If you broke a leg, I could feed us and carry you back home. For you to keep pretending that you’re an adult when you’re not is absurd. I cannot conceive why you’d want to pretend that. Worse, to compare yourself as you have to a male hunter is absurd. It makes no sense. That’s why I laugh. Who do you think you are?”
Tuksook's Story, 35,000 BC Page 11