“Indi.” Liv reaches out for me, but I’m faster. Escaping her grasp, I fly down the stairs before her fingers can make contact. I don’t want to hear anymore. It’s all too much right now. Everything is too much, and all I want is to feel nothing, to feel free, to feel bigger than all of my problems.
In the distance I overhear Jack instructing her to let me be as every single inch of my being hums. My entire body becomes lighter and lighter, the floor beneath my feet disappearing with each step. Spreading my arms open, I close my eyes and let myself go.
Warm air wraps around me, then turns cold within the span of a heartbeat. Icy metal freezes my feet through my socks as I open my eyes. The world unfolds before me in darkness and shadows that span outward until they bleed into the lights of the city beyond the trees.
Never in a million years would I have thought the height of the water tower would give me peace, but in this moment, that’s exactly what it does. Sebastian was right. Up here, everything is so much smaller, and for however brief a time, I can forget about my problems below. Including my fear of heights—for now, anyway.
“Indi?” Sebastian leans against the water tower floor, the rest of him still below on the ladder. “What are you doing here?” He looks around. “How did you get here? Aren’t you afraid of heights? I seem to recall you threatening to haunt me from the afterlife the last time we were up here.”
“I’m not afraid tonight.” I sit and lean my back against the tower wall. The cold seeping through the backside of my clothes chills me to the bone in the best way possible. It’s known and expected, unlike everything else in my life at the moment. I’m sure I’ll regret my lack of warm clothing and shoes eventually, but right now, it’s heaven.
He climbs the rest of the way up and sits down beside me. “Not tonight, huh?”
“No, not tonight. Tonight I need the freedom you find here.”
He nudges me with his elbow. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” When he doesn’t push, I wrap my arms around his and rest my head on his shoulder. “Tell me about your night.”
“My night was pretty much the usual. Found some vamps.” I stiffen at the word vamps and he pulls me closer, mistaking the shiver racing down my back for the coldness of the night. I wonder what he would think if he knew the real reason, if he found out my family is the cause for all his family’s pain. If not for Ciaran and Earnan, vampires wouldn’t even exist. And without Íonait, neither would the chasers.
He’s going to hate me.
Not if you don’t tell him, a tempting little voice whispers in the back of my mind. He never has to know.
He rubs his hand up and down my arm to generate heat. “Want my jacket? Or to tell me why you’re here?”
“No. Keep telling me about your night.” I need a few more minutes before I blow up our worlds because that’s what’s going to happen after I tell him about my family’s history. I could listen to the tempting voice—the really tempting voice—whispering for me to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t lie to him, and I don’t want to lie to him. He’d probably know if I did anyway with his new ability to feel what I feel when my emotions are heightened.
Unless you cloak them, the same tempting voice whispers.
My mind drifts to an emotional masking spell I found in the Book of Shadows when I was at Ivy’s trying to convince her—unsuccessfully—the book was evil. Turns out I was right, and she was wrong. True dark magic does exist. It’s not all gray or neutral like she thinks—like I almost convinced myself of. Which is another reason why I can’t use the masking spell. Nothing good would come of it.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk? I know there’s something bothering you. I can feel it.”
“Nope. I just want to hear about your night.”
“Okay, but when you’re ready, I’m here.”
“I know.” For now anyway. But come tomorrow when the dust settles over the truths I have to tell…
“As I was saying, I ran into some vamps. Got into a fight like usual. Staked all their asses. Now I’m here with you.”
“Staked all their asses, huh? Isn’t the heart more effective?”
“You would think so, but nope. It was asses for these guys.”
I can’t help but laugh. It feels so good to shrug off the weight pushing me down, even if it’s just for a second, even when I know it can’t last. Because it’s only a matter of time before I turn into a monster. Just not the one I originally thought I’d be. Instead of becoming a vampire, or at the very least taking on their traits, I’ll become something far worse—a monster born of my own making because of my tendency to cross the line in doing whatever it takes to make sure the ones I love stay safe. Because I’ll know the cost the darkness will demand of me, and I won’t care.
“You’re starting to turn blue. Why don’t I take you home?” He nudges me the tiniest bit. “The car I brought here has heated seats. Nothing like roasting your backside to make you feel all warm and toasty. What do you say?”
When I don’t answer, he tilts my face up and stares until I meet his gaze. I try so hard to hold them back, but the tears come anyway. I’ve destroyed his life in so many ways. I don’t deserve to have him look at me the way he is, but at the same time there’s no other place I’d rather be than here with him. I truly am a monster.
He cups my face, his thumbs brushing softly over my cheekbones. “Please, Indi. Tell me what’s wrong.”
The sincerity in his voice only makes the tears flow more. Once I tell him, it’ll be the death of us. He’ll never look at me the same again. How could he?
I shake my head, then bring my lips to his. All I want is to forget about everything, for the two of us to step outside the messed up world we’re in, so it’s just him and me. No life changing family history lessons. No vampires, no dark witches, no angels ready to smite me at Heaven’s command. Maybe it’s selfish, and maybe I have no right to delay telling him what I’ve discovered, but the thought of him out of my life and on the opposite side… It’ll break me, and I’m not ready to shatter. I want more time before we say goodbye.
I deepen our kiss until the taste of cinnamon dances over my tongue, and the scent of his woodsy shampoo takes me over. Everything else melts away until I’m completely surrounded by him—which was the goal. Feeling bolder, I straddle his lap and claim his mouth as mine once again. His hands move from my hips to my waist, the edge of his thumbs slipping beneath the hem of my Mickey Mouse t-shirt to graze over my stomach. His skin on mine is like fire, and all I want is to be consumed by it, to feel alive, to be a part of something more than just me.
My heartbeats sprint out of control, and my hands tremble as my fingers run over his chest to just beneath the edge of his jacket. Air fills and deflates my lungs so fast I can hardly catch my breath while butterflies swarm my insides. Forcing my nerves down, I nip at his bottom lip, and slip his jacket down below his shoulders. He pulls his arms out of the sleeves without breaking our kiss, then wraps them back around me, hugging me close. The feel of his heart racing gives me the courage to tug him down until we’re spread out over the tower floor. The grate digs into my back as I take hold of the hem of his shirt and begin to lift. When the material reaches the bottom of his ribcage, his fingers wrap around my wrist, staying my hand.
His chest heaves with quick breaths as he moves my hand down until his shirt is back in place. Rolling onto his side, he takes me with him so we’re lying face to face. He brushes the hair from my face with gentle strokes. The deep blue of his irises appear almost black in the moonlight. And while the shadows of night darken his features, they can’t hide the emotions churning within his gaze. I see them bright as day, and though they say he wants to get lost in a bubble of just us too, this is as far as it goes.
“While I enjoy making out with you,” he rubs the center of his chest with the heel of his hand, “I don’t want to be an excuse to drown something else out. When we’re together, I want it to be about us, and right
now it’s about something else. I don’t know what it is that’s causing you pain, but I can promise to help you work it out.” He presses his lips to my forehead. “Your problems are my problems.”
The cold embrace of night wraps around me, its frozen fingers suffocating all the heat we created. “You won’t think so when you hear what they are. You won’t want anything to do with me.”
“There’s nothing you could say that would ever change my mind about you, Indi. Nothing.”
I pull myself up and wrap my arms around my knees. “You say that now. But there is.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”
22
The silence stretches between us until I can’t take it anymore. In it, I find my answer. The one I knew it would be, and the one I’d wished so hard it wouldn’t be. He sees me for the monster I am. The wrecking ball that tore through his life and left everything in ruins. Not only did my ancestors create the vampires who destroyed his family, I directly set him on the path that would lead to his sister becoming one when I brought him back the first time. I changed his future, and in doing so, I changed hers—his father’s too, in all honesty. I know he said what happened to Sofia wasn’t my fault and neither were the circumstances that lead to he and his father becoming chasers, but coincidence can only be coincidence for so long. Eventually, the things happening become a pattern, and the truth can no longer be denied. Like now. I’m the common denominator. If not for me—if not for my family—none of those things would have happened.
And if none of those things happened, Sebastian would be dead right now, I remind myself.
I wrap my arms tighter around my legs, not knowing whether I should hate myself more for saving him or for thinking maybe I shouldn’t have. I played with the forces of life and death, with magic, without knowing the cost it would incur, just like Earnan did when he saved his brother. And just like Earnan, there was a price to be paid, except instead of just me paying it by losing my mom, Sebastian paid too with the loss of his sister and his childhood. And the sick part is, even if I knew then what I know now, I’m not so sure I would have been able to stop myself from saving him, anyway.
If that doesn’t make me a monster, then I don’t know what does.
The silence stretches on, and I want to yell for him to say something, to not just sit there, even if it’s to tell me how much he hates me. But I can’t bring myself to say a thing. I can barely hold myself in place when all I want to do is run.
Maybe I should run. Being here hurts, and once he says what I think—no, what I know—he’ll say, it’ll all be over, anyway.
Still I sit, holding onto a tiny shred of hope that he just needs a moment to process everything, but the longer his silence stretches on, the more my heart takes the hint until it finally cracks into a hundred jagged pieces within my chest. The fragments break away, the sharp ends digging in until they reach my very soul, killing all the hope I had left to cling to.
The air drapes around me in a frigid embrace, every molecule in my body humming to flee. I can’t be here, and I can’t go home, and all I want is to not feel the way I do anymore, so weighted down by every emotion slicing through my insides with sharp-edged claws. I want to be numb. I want to not have to question if everything I do is leading me closer and closer to darkness, and I can’t do any of that if I’m around Sebastian or my family.
He reaches out for me the moment he realizes what’s happening. “Indi, wait. Don’t go. It’s not what you think. Please. I—”
The desperate look on his face to hold me in place is the last thing I see before everything whooshes by. The world jerks to a halt seconds later, and I find myself standing before a purple door in a familiar hallway. Ivy opens the door as though she already knew I’d be there. She steps to the side and tips her head as an invitation to enter.
“Drink this. It’ll help calm your nerves.”
Ivy hands me an oversized mug filled to the brim with a sweet-smelling tea, then tucks a foot beneath her bottom as she takes a seat across from me.
“Thanks.” I inhale the aroma, the frayed edges of my nerves immediately smoothing out. “I’m sorry I just showed up outside your door like I did. I didn’t know where else to go.” Paige and Taylor pop into my mind, and my heart beats out a painful thud. They’re my best friends and before the supernatural world crashed into my life, they were the two I would have gone to first. But I’ve been lying to them so much and pushing them away for so long, I wouldn’t even know how to get back to the way it was before.
Maybe there is no way back. Maybe I’ve only ever been deluding myself by thinking there was. My life is messed up and dangerous, and it wouldn’t be fair to involve them in any of it. I’d never forgive myself if either one of them got hurt.
Ivy lays a hand over my arm, pulling me from my thoughts. “You’re welcome here anytime.”
“Thanks.”
We sit in comfortable silence while I gather my thoughts. It feels like hours pass when in reality, it’s probably only been mere minutes. I don’t know if it’s her putting me at ease, or if it’s the tea. Either way, I haven’t felt this at peace in a long time. It’s like all my worries are fluttering right out of my head. It dares to give me hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel when I’ve all but given up on it.
“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?” I finally ask.
“Nope. I figure you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”
Her willingness to not pry opens the floodgates, and I find myself telling her everything when I shouldn’t. And I mean everything. The connection I share with Sebastian, along with everything that goes with it. The way I’m struggling to hold onto my old life with my friends while at the same time having to lie and push them away to keep them safe. My family’s dark origins, how I turned a vampire human again, even who my father is. A small, quiet part of me questions why I trust her so blindly when I barely know her, but every time I consider the notion, it becomes harder to grasp.
I rub the pendant between my fingers, as a slight vibration pulses through my skin. Each buzz sends fuzzy feelings of comfort and openness through my veins. “I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and all I want is to stand still. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the way it was before, but at the same time, I don’t want to give up knowing who I am.” A deep sigh leaves my lungs deflated and my shoulders droop. “There’s just so much stress with the weight of my family’s history hanging over my head. With Ludvikas sending vampires to kill me every other day because I’m some impossible cure to vampirism, or whatever. With protecting the ones I love without slipping into darkness when I’m only ever trying to do the right thing. I just want to keep them safe, Ivy, but how can I when there are all these rules? Why can’t I just do whatever I need to do to protect them without the consequences or the fear of losing myself? Without constantly asking if what I’m doing is wrong? Why does everything have to be so hard?”
“What if it didn’t have to be?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if I told you I could make things easier for you, take away the struggle?”
“I would say sign me up.” We both laugh, but there’s a glimmer in her eyes that gives me the feeling I just unknowingly told her exactly what she wanted to hear.
She takes the empty mug from my hands and returns to the kitchen. I rest my head along the back of the sofa as my eyes drift shut to the lullaby of her preparing another mug. The quiet shuffle of her feet, the ting of the spoon against the tin container housing the tea, the whistle of the teapot on the stove, it all seeps into my muscles, relaxing them one by one.
A sweet aroma wafts beneath my nose, and I breathe it in.
“After everything you’ve told me, I thought you could use another cup.”
“Thanks.” The heat of the mug warms my hands as I take it from her. I take a small sip, then set it down on the coffee table. “Where’s your bathroom? If I take another drink, I think my b
ladder might burst.”
“It’s right around the corner, just off the bedroom. Second door on the left. You can’t miss it.”
“Thanks.”
After relieving myself, I splash some water on my face and rest my hands on the edge of the sink. My reflection stares back at me as though it knows a secret I don’t, and it’s waiting for me to figure it out.
I cock my head to the side as a memory just out of reach skirts around the edge of my mind. The haunted look in my reflection’s eyes presses for me to remember, but the more I try, the more elusive it seems to be. If I could just grab hold of it…
A sharp pain slices through my skull, and I grip the sides of my head as though it will magically make it go away. I sway side-to-side, teeth clenched tight as I pry my eyes open, expecting to see my anguished face in the mirror. Instead, I find the room has changed, and I’m no longer in the bathroom but on my back and unable to move in a darkened room. Shadowed faces hidden behind oversized hooded robes hover all around me. Their voices blend together as if only one person is speaking, their cadence rising and falling to the candlelight flickering over the walls.
A person straddles my thighs, the hood of their robe concealing their face so I can’t make out any features. All I see is darkness. The faceless person positions a long silver blade above my chest, an ouroboros carved into the surface. Silver rings adorn his fingers, each one a skull with a tiny ouroboros’ carved into the forehead. The chants reach a crescendo just as the blade lowers to my skin.
Screams bubble up inside of me without ever coming out as the blade carves over my flesh near the top of my sternum. Silent tears run down the sides of my face while blood pools in the notch at the base of my neck before it too fills and runs over.
All at once the bathroom returns, my hands now locked around the edge of the sink so tightly they hurt. I let go and take a step back as my heart beats erratically against my ribs. Labored breaths wheeze past my lips, sending my chest rising and falling in uneven jerks.
Of Darkness & Light: Blood Descent Book 2 Page 22