by Natalie Dean
What he wasn’t expecting was for Dani to already be in there, and she took Keiko into her arms instantly.
“Hey girl, I heard you’re not doing too well.”
Suddenly Keiko was bursting into tears. “Dani, I feel terrible,” she whimpered, practically melting into her friend’s embrace. “I’m so glad you’re back. I drank all these energy drinks so I could stay up and clean, but I’m so tired. I just want to sleep, but I can’t because everything is so dirty. It’s making me crazy. Am I crazy?”
“No, you’re just worn out right now, sweetie. Just like freshman year of college. But you got through that, and you’ll get through this too. Why don’t you just lean against me and relax, okay? I’m real clean, I promise.”
Keiko whimpered again and buried her face in Dani’s soft neck. “He threw up on me. I had to get the vomit off, but then I could smell it everywhere.”
Dani’s gaze flicked to Bryant and there were a whole lot of questions there, but thankfully no hate or anger. Not that he didn’t feel that for himself. In fact, he was downright miserable because now he knew what had set Keiko off.
It was very clear she had some sort of issue with things being messy or dirty, and he was pretty sure she’d just said that he’d thrown up either on or near her, which was a pretty terrible way to pay back the woman who was going above and beyond trying to help him.
Her current meltdown was all his fault, really. Keiko seemed healthy and poised when they first met, and now she was a trembling mess. He really did sow destruction wherever he went. Missy was right; he should have stayed away from her.
He really was a bad person.
That thought and other dark ones like it played in his head over and over again on the hour drive to the city. It was pretty tense inside of the cab, and the only one who really talked was Dani.
At least Keiko seemed to settle down a little and fall asleep against her friend, who was humming what Bryant vaguely recognized as a soft lullaby. It was pretty soothing, and if he wasn’t full of so much shame and self-hatred, he might have relaxed too.
But, as it were, he was wound as tight as a jack-in-the-box when they finally reached the psychiatry center. Dani helped Keiko into the intake center. Bradley drove the truck off to the parking garage, taking Bryant with him.
Unsurprisingly, when he finally found a spot, his older brother put the truck into park and just sat there for a moment.
“Should we go in?” Bryant asked, feeling so empty and exhausted he almost wondered if he would float away the moment he stepped outside.
“Are you all right?” his brother asked abruptly. “You’ve never called me for help, and that seemed like a pretty tense situation.”
“I’m not the one that you should be worried about. Keiko’s the one who’s sick.”
“Yeah, but you were there with her. I don’t claim to know what happened but doesn’t seem like something that’s exactly easy to deal with.”
“I’m fine. It’s fine.”
But he wasn’t fine. He had no idea what had happened or what Keiko was sick with, but he couldn’t help but think that it was absolutely his fault.
“You know that you don’t have to deal with things on your own. You’ve got family.”
He couldn’t even bring himself to snort at the idea. “Yeah, because we all know how much comfort I draw from them.”
“Hey.” His brother reached over, his rough and calloused hand resting on Bryant’s arm. “You did the right thing by calling me. I’m here for you. And if you’d let them, everyone else would be too.”
Bryant closed his eyes and pictured that. Going home and having Ma push a glass of cool lemonade or iced tea into his hand; Pa reading a book in the living room but his eyes would glance up for a moment of recognition and assurance. Bart could clap him on the back and tell him that they should go fishing. Ben would nod and ask him how he was.
It was a pretty picture. A tempting one. It made his heart ache and a bitter sense of longing bloomed within him.
But it was just that, a fantasy. His ties with his family had been severed for so long that there was no hope of repairing them. Besides, why would he ever want to fight and claw for an ounce of recognition and acceptance when the family had long since taught him that he would never be good enough?
Bryant chewed his lip, looking out the window. Suddenly he felt so young and overwhelmed. There was so much that he didn’t know or understand. He felt like he’d just been flung into the deep end without ever being taught how to swim. It really would be nice to have someone that he could lean on.
He wished he could go back to how he was before the wedding. He was normally never so emotional. He had been content flitting from party to party and chasing both money and pleasure.
Well… no. That wasn’t exactly true. He had told himself he was content, but he really had been searching for more hadn’t he? Keiko was right.
But what did that even mean?
“Look, I’m not saying that we have to have some sort of dramatic reunion where you’re brought in like some sort of lost sheep. I’m just saying, I’m here for you right now, and if you cracked open the door even slightly, I bet Ma would be there for you in an instant.”
Bryant was tempted to just sit there, processing everything that had happened, but his mouth was moving before he even really thought about it.
“I’m not so sure I deserve support. Maybe there’s a reason I’ve never gotten on with our oh-so-perfect family. Maybe I am just like a cancer.”
“Bryant, that isn’t true.”
He just shrugged, and his brother sighed.
“Look, I’m not going to pretend you’re some sort of saint, and I’m sorry for hesitating before, but you’re not a bad person,” Bradley said.
“I’m beginning to think that the evidence indicates otherwise.” He closed his eyes and thought back to all the letters from Ma that he ignored. He thought of how he had chosen a college far away from everyone and did not keep it a secret that he wasn’t going to be stagnant and backwater like the rest of them.
He’d wanted to hurt them, so he did. He used people, women especially, and his entire life was built around accruing more and more wealth.
When was the last time he had helped someone, without expecting something in return? When had he ever created joy? Not an adrenaline rush, not a fulfillment of an addiction, not fueling greed, but pure, unadulterated joy.
He thought he was better than people like Keiko, who believed in some invisible guy in the sky and spent so much of their time trying to preach to people. And who could blame him considering all the mega-churches there were and how the Christians that got the most screen time in media were always the ones filled with hate and ignorance?
It was a mess. He was a mess.
Bradley spoke up, “Really? Because I see it differently. You’ve come to every engagement party and wedding of our brothers even though they make you miserable. I’ve seen the backhanded comments you get, and I’m sorry I never stood up for you, but I always admired how you would just brush them off instead of causing a real row.
“I remember when Bart was first hospitalized. You spent an entire week with him in the hospital along with Ma and Pa. You and Bart never got on even when you were younger, but you didn’t care.
“When we were kids you would help me run my lines, letting me go over and over them until I was sure I had it one hundred percent perfect. You were always the best at bottle feeding any of the little runts that got rejected on the farm, especially the kittens. Everyone told you it was a waste, and that they were sick, and there was a reason their mama rejected them, but you didn’t care.
“You’ve got flaws, little brother. You can be selfish, and you have a bad temper. For as brilliant as you are, you’re short-sighted and take things personally way more than you should. But you were there for Keiko when she needed you. You stepped up for her and called me, even though the last time we’d talked you’d been struck for your effort.
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“Now, you tell me, does that sound like something a bad person would do?”
Bryant was quiet for a long, long moment, Bradley’s words washing over him in a torrent. If he could ever count on someone to give it to him straight, it was his math-minded bigger brother.
It was embarrassing, but he could feel tears welling up to his eye line. “You really believe all that?” he asked, almost afraid to speak. He didn’t like showing weakness, but he felt he might crumble at any moment. He’d built his empire on what amounted to be sand, and the foundation was indeed shaking.
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. There’s an amazing, loving man in there, I know it. He’s just been buried under a lot of hurt. I should have stood up for you more when we were younger. But I was a coward. At the time, I appreciated that the family seemed to begrudgingly accept that one of their sons liked putting on costumes and singing in front of an audience, so I didn’t want to rock the boat.
“You had to defend yourself on your own and that taught you that you could only count on you. I’m sorry. But, if you’re ready, I’d like to start over going forward. None of this black sheep or prodigal son stuff. I love you, brother, and I don’t want all our lectures to chase you away.”
Bryant didn’t know what to say to that, he just nodded. It felt like his throat was swollen closed, and his eyes burned. When was the last time that he had cried? He couldn’t remember. It was like he had sustained himself for so long on all the fluff and excitement and adrenaline that his body and mind didn’t know how to handle a headier emotion.
He really had such a hollow existence, didn’t he?
“Anyways, it’s not something that you have to answer now. You’ve had a kinda intense day. How about we go in and make sure everything’s taken care of? Seems like it’s a good walk back to the front of the building.”
Bryant nodded, so glad his brother understood that he just needed to think. To digest. To come to a decision on his own.
“All right. I’m gonna grab some bottles of water from the cooler in the back then we’ll head out.”
They did exactly that, walking in the quiet as Bryant turned things this way and that in his mind. By the time they reached the reception area, he didn’t have any answers, but he did feel like he was on more solid ground.
They went up to the receptionist, and Bradley took care of all the talking. She told them that Keiko was currently in admittance, and they could take a seat to wait for an update if they liked.
So they did. They sat, and Bryant thought while Bradley worked on a sudoku puzzle on his phone.
Time ticked on and it was about an hour later that Dani came out, looking quite worn. When had she even gotten into town? Had it really been a month since the wedding?
“Hey,” Bradley said, rising to his feet. “How is everything? Is she okay?”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen her this bad, but she’s in good hands now. She admitted herself voluntarily, and she’s gonna spend a few days here.”
The short woman crossed over to Bryant, and unlike his interaction with Missy, instead of slapping him, she pulled him into a hug.
“Thank you so much for being there for my friend. What you did to help her means a lot to me.”
Bryant awkwardly returned the gesture, completely blindsided by it, but it wasn’t unwelcome. When they parted, Dani was wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.
“It’s getting pretty late. I’d like to go home and cuddle with my husband.”
Bradley nodded. “I’m sure he’s worried. Hey, Bryant. Why don’t you come home? Like, really come home?”
It was tempting, even with the jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions in his mind, but in the end, he shook his head. “No. I know where I’m supposed to be right now. It’s here with Keiko. I want to make sure she’s okay.”
“Are… are you sure?”
Yeah, he was. For once, he was in the right place at the right time, and he was going to do the right thing.
15
Keiko
When Keiko woke up, it was like she was emerging from a terrible, insidious nightmare that had lasted for days. Things were foggy and it seemed like her brain had been soaked in sludge, but at least she felt more like herself.
Looking around, she expected to see the pale mint pastels of her room. Mint had always been a good color, a soothing color, so she’d painted it the first thing when she’d moved into her new place. But she quickly realized that she wasn’t home at all.
Oh, right. She’d checked herself into the psychiatry center her therapist helped run. The details were buried in her head, but she was sure that if she thought hard enough about it, she could recall the why and how of what all happened.
But first, she definitely needed to go to the bathroom. She must have been out for quite a while judging by the urgency of it, so she hurriedly shuffled out of her bed and over to the only other door of her room.
Grabbing the knob, she turned it to go in, but something held her in place. She didn’t open it right. Letting go, she grabbed it again and turned.
No. Not right.
She turned it to the other side. Then the other. But no matter what she did, it just wasn’t right.
Her bladder was throbbing, and she was sure that she was going to wet herself, when a knock sounded at the door and a nurse came in.
“Hey there, Miss Albryte. I’m Mackenzie, I’ll be on shift today until Olivia takes over at eight.”
“Oh, uh, nice to meet you.”
“Yes, we’ll talk later. But you have a visitor right now. Would you like me to let them in or do you need a bit more rest to settle in?”
It had to be Dani. Keiko’s heart warmed, and she couldn’t think of a better idea. “Yeah, let them in. I’m just gonna use the facilities.”
“All right, sounds good dear.”
She disappeared back out the door, and Keiko went about relieving herself and washing her face. Memories started to float back to her, mostly being held by Dani, her best friend humming to her, but when she emerged from the small bathroom, it wasn’t Dani who was waiting for her at all.
“Bryant?” Keiko asked, completely taken aback. The last thing she remembered, he’d vomited all down her front, drenching her in warm acidic liquid.
And it was chunky.
“Hey there,” he said, arms full of bags so he wasn’t able to wave. “I brought you some stuff. Mind if I set them down?”
“…okay.”
She watched as he crossed over to the small side table and set all of his bags down. Something about his movement was familiar, and she had a brief flash of him crouched in front of her in the kitchen.
Oh, goodness gracious.
He had been there.
More detail flooded back to her in sharp relief, and she recalled exactly what had happened.
She’d jumped into the shower, clothes and all, scrubbing herself with the hottest water possible. Her skin had instantly turned red, but it wasn’t enough.
It was only after she was thoroughly soaked that she was able to pull her clothes off and chuck them in the corner of the tub. From there, she poured her body wash down her form and tried to free herself from every bit of grossness that was on her.
It was an uncontrollable compulsion. She needed to clean, clean, clean, clean. But no matter how much she scoured herself, she didn’t get the relief of cleanliness. There was no relief, only more pressure to do. To scrub.
She stayed in there until the water had grown cold and her body wash ran out. She still had the feeling of creepy crawlies all over her body. She had forced herself out of the shower, but she’d suddenly realized that her apartment was absolutely filthy.
And then she’d fallen into the spiral, hook line and sinker.
Goodness, what would have happened if Bryant hadn’t been there to call for help? She hadn’t had a breakdown like that since her freshman year of college when all the stress and a resurgence of her eating disorder had combined to send her int
o a full OCD meltdown.
She was supposed to be stronger than that, yet here she was, watching as Bryant started to unload bags.
“What are you doing?”
“Oh, I just figured I’d bring you some essentials.” A bottle of hand sanitizer came out first. Then latex gloves. “I know this place is probably real clean, but I figured it might make you feel extra sure if you could do it yourself.” Next came some baby wipes, some dusting rags, hand soap, lotion. It was a lot of stuff.
She watched him, just standing in the bathroom doorway, until finally the entire table was covered with various cleaning and hygienic supplies. It had to have cost a pretty penny, but he was acting like it was perfectly normal.
Eventually, he finished and turned to talk to her. Or at least she assumed he was trying to talk to her because his mouth opened and closed, but no words came out.
Did he pity her? She didn’t need it. Sure, she was sick, but she would get better. She had done it before, and she would do it again.
The tension built up quickly, becoming more awkward until finally Keiko spoke.
“Why are you doing this?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. Figured I owed you. Or something. Thanks, by the way.”
“For what?”
“For coming and getting me just because my brother asked you to. That was… you didn’t have to do that.”
Oh, that wasn’t what she expected. “You needed help.”
“Yeah, yeah, I really did.”
The conversation stilled, petering out until the awkwardness started to grow again. Clearing his throat, Bryant looked to the door.
“Uh, I’ll get out of your hair. I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now.”
Was that true? She didn’t feel like it was.
“No, it’s okay,” she said quickly. “I, uh, I think I’d rather not be alone right now.”
“Okay.”
He crossed over to the singular chair by the bed, and she sat on the mattress. Normally she tried not to do non-bedtime activities where she was supposed to sleep because it made it difficult to get a full night’s rest, but she didn’t see how she had much of a choice.