by Natalie Dean
Once more they were quiet, neither of them seeming to know how to start the conversation. She was still in a state of disbelief that he was even there. She had been almost certain that things had broken beyond repair between them, and that was only reinforced by the fact that she had completely lost her marbles right in front of him.
After a while, she figured it was probably her who should lead the conversation.
“I bet you’re wondering what happened,” she said flatly, nerves and embarrassment bubbling in her gut.
He shrugged again. “I don’t need to know if it’s private. Things happen.”
“Yeah, and that was definitely a thing, to put it mildly.” She chuckled, but the sound was fake even to her own ears. “I, uh, I’ve got some mental health stuff that I usually have handled, but you saw a severe episode. What happens when I don’t take care of me.”
He shifted again, and she could tell he was uncomfortable. That was the reason she usually was so private with what was going on with her. People either judged her or didn’t understand or thought she was making it up. It was one of the reasons it had taken her so long to get help.
“That’s an awful nice way of you tiptoeing around how I pushed you there.”
“Pardon?” Keiko asked, staring at him with wide eyes.
“Look, I’m not proud of what I said to you in that restaurant. I realize that hanging out with someone like me was probably pretty bad for you, but you did it anyway. You’re a bigger person than me. And although I didn’t get sick on you on purpose, you wouldn’t have been put into that position if you hadn’t driven all the way to that club to save me from a bender.
“So I don’t blame you if you never want to see me again. I… I probably shouldn’t have even come here, but I wanted to make sure you were all right.” He grimaced. “Well, as all right as you can be considering the situation.”
If there was a list of all the things in the world that Keiko thought could have possibly happened, that was right about at the end of the list next to the man growing wings and flying into space.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Keiko, you don’t need to try to soften the blow. I can take responsibility for my actions.”
She shook her head. “No, you don’t understand. I’m not trying to sugarcoat anything. It's literally not your fault.”
He looked so vulnerable when his eyes flicked to her. “I… don’t understand.”
“Look, I’m not going to lie to you and pretend that you didn’t exacerbate it, but the truth is I’m sick, and I am responsible for my own health. There are highs and lows, flares and recessions, and the most random of things can trigger a slide.”
“I… see?”
She could tell that he wasn’t quite getting it, but he didn’t look disbelieving or annoyed, so she decided she might as well tell him everything.
“Look, so I have OCD. You’ve probably heard of it before, it’s in the movies and on TV enough, but it’s not represented very well. It’s basically a combination of obsessions, compulsions and intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I just get this… urge, I guess you’d call it, and they can sometimes be impossible to ignore.
“So, I develop these rituals that are supposed to relieve the obsession. They’re not something I consciously do, but it’s like these random two points of data my brain collects. Let’s say maybe I’m obsessing over the height of all my books and how they don’t line up to make an even plane. Instead of just accepting that books come in different sizes, my brain will say that if I don’t get them in order, the entire house will burn down and the only way to stop it is to fix the books.”
“Really? Your house will burn down?” he didn’t say it critically, more with surprise or concern, which gave her the courage to keep going.
“Yeah. Some of them aren’t as direct. Like if I don’t turn on and off the water three times, acid will spray out instead. Or that if I don’t lock my door exactly ten times, someone will break in.”
“So it’s kinda like, step on a crack, break your mama’s back?”
Keiko nodded eagerly. She hadn’t expected him to understand. “Yes, that’s exactly it. My brain will just tell me things like that, and I either have to do a ritual or break the cycle to keep functioning.
“But sometimes the rituals don’t relieve the obsession, and that’s where I can run into trouble. That’s also kind of what you witnessed, but it was exacerbated by a whole lot of energy drinks, staying awake for over twenty-four hours, and freaking out over the whole…” she gestured to him and made a gagging sound.
“Right. Okay. I got you. Sorry about that, still.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it.”
“So, is that why you eat, uh, a little differently?” he asked cautiously. “Because of the OCD?”
“Kinda. I, uh, I also struggled with anorexia when I was younger. I’ve been in recovery for a while now, but it can be difficult to manage when my OCD is acting up. Textures or flavors of food, sometimes even colors will set me off.”
He nodded, looking like he was digesting it all. “Huh. I knew a lot about depression, and I studied PTSD when my brother came home, but this sounds a lot different than that.”
Huh, he studied when his brother came home? That was… sweet. A lot of people wouldn’t go that far for other people.
“Yeah, there’s a lot of different mental illnesses that affect people in different ways. For a long time I thought that I wasn’t ever going to be able to have a life. That I was going to have to live with my parents forever and never amount to much.
“But then I went to this church retreat when I was sixteen, and I suddenly had this peace.”
“Is that how you got involved in the church?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Being there brings me a lot of peace. Usually, at least. It’s not like a magical panacea that can just make me healthy in a snap, but it helps, you know? It’s like a support, and knowing that I’m not alone really does help.”
“Huh, wish I could get that kind of comfort from it.”
“Have you ever tried?”
He huffed. “Ma and Pa dragged me off to church for eighteen years of my life. Yeah, I’d say I tried.”
Ugh, Keiko understood the resentment in his voice. She personally felt that children didn’t benefit from sermons in the same way adults did, and forcing them to sit through something they didn’t understand week after week just made a kid associate God with unpleasant things. It was one of the reasons she had pushed so much for age-appropriate Sunday School and Vacation Bible Studies. Learning about God should be fun and relevant to children.
“That’s not what I mean. I meant have you ever just tried to sit with God, on your own terms, and just… talk, I guess? Sort out what you’re feeling and what questions you might have for him? You know, bring your grievances to light?”
“I… No. I haven’t. I can’t even really name the last time I slowed down enough to do that.”
“It might be something you want to try, you know, if you get your feet under you. How are you feeling, by the way?”
“Hah, don’t you think it’s ironic to be worrying about me right now considering the situation?”
Coming from most people, that definitely would have been an insult. But with the way he cracked a bashful smile at her, and his eyes sparkled, she couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Fair enough. I suppose I do have a habit of trying to take care of other people instead of focusing on myself.”
“So I heard. Apparently, it’s even in your notes.”
“I’m sorry, what now?”
He flushed. “Oh, should I not have said that? It’s just, uh, when I called the number you told me to call and they walked me through getting you here, they mentioned a way to get you to do things was to phrase it as if you were helping me. Don’t you remember?”
She closed her eyes and tried to recall, but the past day was still in bits and splotches all through her mind. They were puzzle pieces, all right
, and she was still finding which ones went where.
“Not really. But boy, that’s embarrassing.”
“Really? I don’t think so.”
“Why’s that?”
“Think about it. When some people are drunk, inebriated or stressed, they’ll hurt other people or be snappish and mean. But you, when you’re sick and at your weakest, just want to help people. If that’s not a pretty big indication of what kind of person you are, I don’t know what is.”
She felt herself flush as well. “You make me sound much more noble than I am.”
“Maybe, or maybe you’re just not the best judge of it. It’s hard to be objective when it comes to yourself, isn’t it?”
He was smiling at her, and she was smiling at him, and it was possibly the most genuine conversation they’d ever had. Narrowing her eyes, she gave him a dramatically suspicious look.
“Why, if I didn’t know better, I would think that you were saying I was a good person.”
“Well, you’re certainly not on anyone’s naughty list.”
“That you know of.”
He chuckled. “If anyone knows about naughty lists and how to get on them, it’s me.”
“I suppose. But the good things about those lists is it’s not permanent. You can leave them at any time.”
“Right, because it’s just so easy.”
“It could be.”
She hadn’t meant to say that so earnestly, but it was enough to halt the conversation as the two of them shared a meaningful look. It was strangely intense, and she wasn’t sure exactly what she was trying to communicate to him, but it definitely felt like they were saying something to each other.
But just as quickly as the moment appeared, it was popped as an orderly knocked on the door.
“Ms. Albryte?”
“Uh, yeah, come in.”
This time it wasn’t Mackenzie who came in, but instead a tall orderly. “I hope I’m not interrupting, but it’s time for your check-in with Dr. Hyleir and then lunch.”
Keiko nodded. “What diet do they have me on?”
“Right now, just the BRAT one, but I’m sure once you talk to Dr. Hyleir, she’ll get you back onto something more calorie-heavy.”
Keiko made a face. “Good. I hate the BRAT diet.”
“What’s the BRAT diet?” Bryant asked.
“Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast,” Keiko answered quickly. “But I hate the texture of applesauce so it’s mostly just a BRT diet for me.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?” the orderly asked with a laugh.
“Nope.”
“I guess I better get going,” Bryant said, standing up and striding toward the door.
Keiko hadn’t expected to be upset by the thought of him taking his leave. She had been enjoying the conversation so much and how for once it didn’t seem like they were playing some sort of complicated game of chess or cat and mouse.
The youngest Miller son stopped just in front of the orderly, however, and shot Keiko an uncertain look. “I can come and keep you company tomorrow. That is, if you would like that, of course.”
A strange sort of weightlessness flickered in Keiko’s chest, so she nodded before finding her voice. “Yeah, I would like that.”
“You can count on it then. Text me if you get cleared for regular food and I’ll try to bring us some lunch.”
“Sounds good to me.”
Bradley gave Keiko a warm smile before he left. And at that, she felt her heart flutter.
16
Keiko
“Hello, Keiko. I’m sorry you haven’t been having a very good time of late. Are you ready to talk about it?”
Keiko didn’t answer right away, instead taking a long sip of the water she had been given. The therapy room that she was in was familiar. She’d spent plenty of hours sitting on the velvety couch, finding comfort and wisdom with the doctor, but somehow it felt like everything had changed.
Maybe she was the one who changed.
Was she changing? She didn’t really know.
“It hasn’t been the easiest time.”
“I can imagine. Do you want to summarize for me what happened? We have a vague idea from the gentleman who helped bring you to us, but not much else. When you came in last night, you weren’t in a very good state. Do you have any idea what got you into that position?”
“Well, I’ve kind of been struggling for the past few months. With the way the world is going now, and all the hate, and all the ignorance, it’s been hard not to feel like everything is going downhill.”
“I understand. A lot of people have been having issues with those particular subjects. But something tells me that that’s not what set you off, Ms. Albryte. You’ve always had such a strong support system, and your faith helps you as well; I imagine that it might have taken a litany of things to bring you to that position.”
That was the thing about Dr. Hyleir; she always was perceptive. Keiko had heard horror stories about people who ended up with disrespectful or disbelieving doctors who ended up hurting them instead of helping them. But Dr. Hyleir wasn’t that way.
“Well… no. I sort of took on this project.”
“Oh, a project? You normally do so well with those.”
“Yeah, I guess I do but…”
“You’re hesitating, which usually means it’s something you don’t want to admit. Is it something you feel guilty about, Keiko?”
“Maybe. A little.”
“Why don’t you tell me about it then.”
“I… okay. You know how I talk about the Millers a lot?”
“Yes, I believe two of them are your emergency contacts. The mother and one of the brothers?”
“Yes, that’s them.”
“Why do you bring them up?”
“Well… my project was basically their younger son.”
Dr. Hyleir raised one of her meticulously sculpted eyebrows. “Would you care to elaborate?”
“I suppose that’s necessary. You see, he, uh… he’s not like the other Millers.”
“What do you mean by that exactly?”
“Well, they all stayed in town and they’re all involved in the church one way or the other. They’re good examples of what Christians should be. You know, loving and kind. Sure, they make mistakes the same as anybody else, but at their core, you can tell they’re good people.”
“And this youngest son, he’s not a good people?”
Keiko felt a jolt of alarm. “Oh, no! He is. I think. It’s just, I… I suppose the best way to put it is that he’s kind of… lost.”
“Lost?”
“He’s not Christian, and while I understand that is a choice that people are free to make, it doesn’t feel like a choice for him. More like something that’s been forced on him.”
“That’s interesting, why do you believe that?”
“I don’t know, it’s just a feeling that I get. He’s a complex person. There’s this outer layer that’s confident and smarmy and superior, but it really seems to be a front.”
“Are you certain of that?” she asked dutifully. “Sometimes we like to imagine that we find good traits within people, or reasons for why they act how they act, but the reality is their outer self really is their true self. There’s no mystery, or layers.”
“I understand that,” Keiko said. She could think of at least ten different people like that. “But that’s not the case here. I can tell that he’s wounded under there, and he’s one of those wounded people who reacts by lashing out. But he’s kind, and smart, and surprisingly thoughtful when he manages to get his head out of his own ego.”
“If I didn’t know better, I would think that you might have feelings for this young son.”
Keiko sat up stock straight. What? Feelings?
Did she have feelings for Bryant?
She sat there a moment, thinking. Turning the idea over and over in her head. She analyzed, reanalyzed, and then did it again.
&n
bsp; “I suppose that is possible.”
“Possible?”
“I hadn’t thought about it until you brought it up. And I think possibly I could be developing feelings for him. But also… I’m not sure that I can feel that way about anyone.”
“And why is that?”
She shrugged. “Just because it feels like there’s not a lot of room in my head or in my heart. I’ve got the church and my friends and my family, and I’m thinking of getting my masters in library science so I can find a full-time job somewhere.
“Maybe, maybe, I could squeeze someone in. But they’d have to be the perfect someone. Someone I got along with and who helped me grow as a person and in my faith.”
“And do you think this young man could be someone like that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” She took a deep breath and tried to think about it. “But probably not.”
“I see. I think that it’s exciting that you may or may not be feeling emotions you never had time for previously. That’s just a normal part of growing up.”
“Dr. Hyleir, I’m twenty-six, not sixteen. I’ve been an adult for quite a while.”
“Even adults have plenty of growing to do.” She cleared her throat. “So tell me, what was the nature of your project with this young man.”
Keiko grimaced. Now that she had to explain it to a medical professional, she was acutely aware of how ridiculous and sketchy her plan sounded. “For the lack of a better word, I wanted to fix him.”
“Fix him?”
“Yeah, you know, reconnect him with his family. Bring him to God. Make him ditch the high-flying lifestyle for something more fulfilling.”
“And you feel that you have the authority to do something like that?”
“At the time I didn’t think of it as something I needed authority to do. My plan wasn’t to bluster into his life like some hand of God and tell him what to do. I just thought if I hung around him, I could lead by example. If I could show him the amazing things that could come your way when you trust in God, and if I planted little seeds of hope and wisdom, maybe he’d come around.”
“I see. After hearing yourself say it out loud, do you see any sort of issues with how that comes across?”