by Natalie Dean
Keiko sighed. “Yeah. It sounds like I’m trying to change him.”
“I would agree with that. And maybe we shouldn’t always expect someone to change if they don’t want to change themselves.”
“But, maybe we can be a good influence to someone to help them see there’s a better way of life.”
“This is true, and there is a possibility of that happening. But we’ve also got to get you to a place where you won’t let it affect you so if you can’t help him like you’d like to. Do you think perhaps your conscience was objecting to you trying to change him and that could have helped trigger this most recent episode?”
“That sounds logical to me.”
“All right. And do you think that was all that triggered you?”
“Most of it, at least.”
“Most of it?”
Keiko found herself once again in the insightful gaze of her doctor. Goodness, the therapist really knew how to look right through a person.
“Is there anything you’ve left out?”
If Keiko was anybody else, she might have squirmed in her seat. But as it was, she just frowned slightly and felt that squirmy feeling all over her skin. “We may have gotten into a fight.”
“Oh, really?”
Keiko nodded.
“And how did that go? Did you scream at each other? Call each other names?”
“No, no, nothing like that. In fact, the whole thing was pretty quiet because it was in a restaurant. No one even turned their heads.”
“I see. So not your standard fight. But obviously it impacted you if you’re bringing it up now. What happened?”
“He said some pointed words to me.”
“Such as?”
“Nothing I haven’t heard before. That I’m a control freak. That I’m obsessed with calories and my weight. You know, standard stuff that someone who doesn’t know about my illness might just throw around.”
“And yet it bothered you.”
“…yeah, yeah it did.”
“Is there a particular reason why?”
Keiko shifted, trying to remember why his words had cut right through her to her heart. “He might have also said that I was obsessed with how others saw me, so that was why I had my calm and collected facade to appear superior when really I’m just as ordinary and shallow as everyone else around me.”
“Huh, those are some very pointed words. And this is the man you call sweet?”
“I said he could be sweet. In that moment he was hurt and angry with some things I had said to him, and he was trying to bring me down to his level. I understand why it happened.”
“But knowing the reason for something doesn’t necessarily excuse it.”
“I know, and I’m not excusing it. We’ll have a talk about it later. We haven’t really had a chance since, you know.”
She nodded. “I’m glad you know that’s unacceptable and have set up that boundary. So maybe, instead, we should focus on why those words bothered you. Do you worry you’re just like everyone else around you? And if you were, would that be such a bad thing?”
Would it? Keiko felt her teeth set to her lip, and she realized that her index finger was rubbing in specific circles against the fabric of the couch.
“I… I don’t know.”
“Actually, I think you do have an idea of what the answer is, but you don’t want to say it because you don’t want to sound arrogant, or prideful. Remember, this is a safe, closed-off space here, Keiko. You can tell me things that you wouldn’t other people, even if you think it makes you look bad or selfish.”
There were a few more moments of tug of war within herself. “I guess yes would be the answer. It’s not that I think I’m better than everyone, I don’t. I happen to be smart and insightful, but that doesn’t comment on my character.
“But it’s just that, ever since I was young, I felt like I was destined for greater things. Like I had a purpose beyond football games, or going to prom, or buying a house and settling down. I thought I was called by God to change the world.”
“And do you no longer feel that way?”
“No, I still feel that way, but he made me wonder if the only reason I felt that way was because I had some sort of holy superiority complex. Some chosen-by-God delusion or something.”
Dr. Hyleir didn’t answer, tapping her foot lightly, and Keiko felt her confidence sag.
“I… don’t seem like I have that, do I?”
“No, I don’t think you’re delusional or have a Saint complex. But I think, perhaps, you’ve forgotten how important something small can be.”
“I don’t catch your drift.”
“You’ve heard of the butterfly effect, yes?”
“Uh, yes. A butterfly flaps its wings in China and causes a hurricane in California, meaning that you never know the consequences of your actions and even the littlest things can end up doing a lot.”
“Good. Okay, now imagine this. What if you’ve already done many of the great things you were supposed to?”
Keiko blinked at her. “Uh, excuse me?”
“I understand I don’t know every facet of your life, but from what you’ve told me, you’ve done some pretty incredible things.”
Keiko made a dismissive sound. “Putting out bagels and running Bible studies isn’t exactly going to revolutionize the world.”
“No, but if I recall right, weren’t Chastity and Ben on the outs when you helped them reconcile?”
“Yeah, they give me some credit for that.”
“And Chastity has gone on to become a successful online personality, which has allowed her to go on mission and relief trips across the world, correct?”
“… I suppose that’s true.”
“And what about your friend Dani?”
“What about her?”
“She struggles with depression, and you encouraged her to seek help for that, right?”
“I mean, it helped that I’ve been in therapy since I was a teen. It made it less scary for her.”
“And would you say it was because of that encouragement that she received, they were able to continue their relationship, which led them all the way up to being married?”
Keiko was beginning to see the path Dr. Hyleir was laying out, and it was making her uncomfortable. “There could be a correlation there.”
“And I believe you told me that the Touhey farm has become much more successful since Bradley’s been helping with their investments and finances. And also, that one of her brothers is working with an inner-city program to rebuild homes damaged from arson while the other is a firefighter for the town.”
“Yeah, that whole chapter of their lives definitely fueled some big life changes. Money was so tight before that they never would have had time to volunteer or be off their ranch for so long.”
“So let’s take this young man you’re trying to ‘help.’ Let’s say you’re able to unite him with his family. What kind of changes do you think that could wrought?”
“Wrought is a very strange word to use.”
“Don’t deflect. I want you to think about it. I was able to bring up those instances quickly. Would it be fair to say that there are probably even more instances, ones that I don’t know about? Ones that even you don’t know about?”
“I…” Keiko swallowed. “I’ve never thought of it like that.”
“Perhaps you should. I understand that you and I have different faiths, but I understand what it feels like to be called by a purpose, even a destiny as some people say. But what I’d like you to consider is that it’s not some grand battle, or perhaps a revolution, or even rescuing a baby from a burning building.
“There is an incalculable value in the gifts you have brought your friends. You’ve given them support, put them on paths to get help, aided them in making decisions that led them, in some cases, to their soulmate.
“And let’s say you are able to help the young man. And I say help, not fix. You and I both know how inherently toxic it is t
o view people as objects that are broken or assume that they’re ‘fixable.’”
“Yeah, definitely. That is burned into my head quite deeply by now.”
“Good. So, again, let’s say you are able to help this Miller son and he reunites with his family. Maybe they go on to do great things together. Maybe he puts his wealth to good use. Donates to a charity. The possibilities for good are endless, all of which would happen because of you.”
Keiko felt goosebumps rise along her arms at the idea. “That is a pretty heavy conclusion to come to.”
“It is, but I think it is one that has merit. It is possible he could want to become a better person, with your influence. But you can’t expect to change someone. And you need to be sure you see him for what he really is, whatever that may be.” She paused and looked at her watch. “Goodness. It’s hard to believe that it’s almost been an hour. Would you like to take a break and then meet up again in the afternoon, or would you prefer to rest more and try to work on things tomorrow?”
“I think… I think I would prefer to meet tomorrow. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m very tired.”
“Yes, I do remember that you tend to have a strong and long reaction to sedatives. We did give you some yesterday to help you on intake. You won’t receive those again unless you start having night terrors or issues sleeping.”
Keiko nodded. “Okay. That sounds good to me. Thank you, Dr. Hyleir.”
“Of course, Keiko. Just remember that you’re not alone in this, no matter what it might seem like.”
“Yeah. I do remember that. Most of the time.”
17
Bryant
He looked down at the large bag of food he had brought, wondering if he had gone overboard, but he had no idea what was appropriate and what wasn’t. Maybe Keiko had a mini-fridge and she could put any leftovers in there?
He didn’t know, and he found himself wishing that he’d asked Dani more questions during their short talk on the phone that morning. He’d been smart enough to enquire about if she had any allergies and her food preferences—which had been a very long and particular list—but now he was kicking himself for not getting enough details.
He walked into the entrance and was glad to see the same receptionist as the day before. She waved him back, saying that Keiko had already informed her he was on his way.
That morning, when he had woken up, he had almost expected Keiko to ask him not to return. But instead she’d told him that her BRAT diet had indeed been lifted, and she was good to eat all her favorite foods again.
He knocked on her door and this time it was Keiko who answered, already looking much better than she had the previous day. The dark circles under her eyes were gone, her hair was clean and brushed back into a low braid, and she was dressed in a soft sundress that looked so pretty and bright against her pale skin.
“Hey there,” she said, smiling at him in a way that made his heart jump. It wasn’t a feeling he was accustomed to, but he didn’t really mind it.
“Hey,” he said right back, lifting his bag of food. “I brought you lunch.”
“And lunch for a whole army too.”
He scoffed. “It’s not that big.”
“I am well aware that perhaps I have a skewed perception of what is or isn’t a lot of food, but I’m pretty sure I could do a whole weight training regimen with that bag.”
“You may have a point.”
She stepped to the side, allowing him in, and he shuffled past her to the table. Perhaps it was strange, but it filled his chest with pride when he saw that she had taken all the cleaning supplies that he had brought and put it into different places in her room.
“I’m sure that if you have any leftovers, some of the nurses and workers will be happy to take care of them for you.”
“I bet. The cafeteria here is terrible, and the food places around have incredibly long lines.”
“And I thought this place was supposed to help you feel better, not drive you crazy.”
Keiko made a sort of choking sound at that.
Bryant felt his stomach drop. Should he have not said that?
Keiko spoke up, “You know, that would make a great sort of insurance conspiracy. I can see it in headlines now, local clinic found out to steadily drive patients mad in the hopes of getting more money.”
Thank goodness, she didn’t take it poorly. He needed to think more about what he was saying and who he was saying it to.
“Don’t get me started on conspiracy theories. I hear some crazy ones,” he said.
“Oh, I didn’t know that casinos were rife with theorists.”
“Not that. You know my business is more than the one casino I own. There’s a large online element, and you’d be amazed at what you can stumble onto there.”
“Your tone tells me that’s not a good thing,” Keiko said.
“Yeah, well even people living under a rock know that the internet is full of all sorts of dark places.”
“Ah, and is that where you think I live? Under a rock?”
He drew in his breath to object before seeing the slight curve to her mouth. “You’re messing with me.”
“Am I?”
“All right, all right, tease all you want. What would you like first? I’ve got a plain burger with no sauce or drippage, only extra cheese. I got you some buttered noodles from that one Italian place Dani said you liked and sushi from… I forget the name of the restaurant.”
“Wow, Bryant, this is a lot of stuff.”
“I know, I know. But just tell me which one you’d like so I look less like I went overboard when someone comes in.”
“All right. Give me the sushi first. That will be a good appetizer.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’m guessing you’ll want some chopsticks?”
“Why, because I’m Asian?”
He blinked at her owlishly, the platter of sushi frozen in the air.
To her credit, she managed to hold her poker face for quite a few beats before breaking into a peal of laughter. “Yes, I’d like the chopsticks, please.”
“I suppose I deserved that.”
“It was pretty fun to watch your face.”
“Well laugh it up. I’m sure you’ll be singing my praises once you taste all this good food.”
“Ugh, you wouldn’t want to hear me sing. I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.”
“What? There’s something that the amazing and intelligent Keiko can’t do?”
“We are sitting in a mental institution because I had a break down from a disorder that literally prevents me from doing normal, everyday things.”
“You, uh, may have a point there.”
“Yeah, you bet I do.”
Bryant watched as she effortlessly picked up a piece of sushi between the two sticks then popped the entire thing into her mouth. He watched her chew methodically for quite a while, then as she swallowed, and it traveled down the smooth, pale column of her throat.
She really was beautiful, wasn’t she? From her thick lashes to her full lips to her shoulders to the soles of her feet. Sure, she was delicate, and a lot of her features were fine, but there was an iron sort of strength to her. Something unbreakable and forged in fire.
He admired that. Sometimes he felt like he was so rootless that the strongest of winds would carry him away. It wasn’t a very good feeling, so he wasn’t sure if he was jealous or admired her.
Maybe both.
“You’re staring at me.”
He startled, averting his eyes away. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“What, do I have wasabi on my face?”
“I, uh, I don’t know how to say it without sounding rude.”
She set her chopsticks down and looked him in the eyes. “After my talk with Dr. Hyleir, I realize that not being honest with myself helped set me off this time, so I’d prefer if we tried to keep everything as truthful as possible.”
He swallowed, but if she wanted honesty, he would give her j
ust that. He was at the point where she could probably ask him to throw himself off a cliff and he would. Not that he was suicidal, or anything, but he trusted Keiko enough to know she would have to have a good reason to ask him to do anything like that.
“Okay. I was just thinking that I was surprised you were able to take a whole bite like that.”
“Oh, is that all?” She let out a long breath.
Bryant wondered if she cared what he said. If he didn’t know better, he would think so.
“Some sushi you can bite in half, but some of it is too messy. Since this has eel sauce on it—which I love—it’s better to just pop it into my mouth.”
“Huh, I see. So you’ve got eating down to a science then.”
“That’s the nicest way I’ve ever heard it put, but yes, you could say so. Recovery has been a long road, but it’s given me plenty of time to figure out strategies to get through the day.”
“I see. Sounds complicated.”
“It can be, but who’s life isn’t? When you think about it. I just have some very specific hurdles I have to jump over.”
“You’re a very generous person, you know that?”
“Really? I don’t think so. Just doing my part.”
“I think you do more than that.”
She didn’t answer right away, instead taking another bite of sushi. “You’re being awfully generous yourself with all those compliments.”
“Haha, I’m not trying to. I just have a lot to make up for.”
“Do you?”
Although the conversation was much more banter-filled than it had ever been before, it still somewhat felt like some sort of high stakes strategy game where every move was setting up for another move. Like they were cautiously circling each other, each afraid of hurting the other or being hurt.
“Yeah, look, I know there hasn’t exactly been a great time to say this, but I really do apologize for what I said in that restaurant. I was wrong, and hateful, and I just want you to know that’s not normally me.” Wait, she wanted honesty. And if he was going to be honest with her, he needed to be honest with himself.
“Well, maybe it is me. I guess I don’t handle criticism very well. It brings out an ugly side of me.”