Brothers of Miller Ranch Box Set

by Natalie Dean

  “Actually, I think you’re excellent at handling criticism. You have to be, considering your line of work and all the comments I read online. I just think that there are specific things that you’re insecure about and I managed to touch on some or all of them.”

  Bryant chuckled at that. “Pretty much all of them. I don’t usually feel like I’m so easy to read, but you looked right through me.”

  “Like I said, I have a talent.”

  “You’re not kidding me.”

  The conversation lulled as she ate more, and she made it through a few more pieces of sushi before switching over to her burger. It was comfortable, but it still felt like there was something lingering in the air between them, something that needed to be said or done.

  He wished that he could just take an eraser to their meeting and do it all over again. That he approached her as a human and an equal instead of a conquest. But what was done was done, and these were consequences that he couldn’t run away from.

  Finally, she set her utensils down again. He figured that was her signal that she wanted to talk.

  “Will you tell me something?” Keiko asked.

  “Whatever you want,” he agreed far too quickly.

  “Whatever I want, that’s a heady promise.”

  “Well, I’d prefer to keep my social security number secret, but I’m sure you’d have a good reason to need it.”

  “And what did I do to possibly earn that level of trust?”

  “I… I don’t know. I just know that I can. I mean, you did drive for four hours just to come get me from a club when I was blackout drunk.”

  “I’m not sure how smart that was considering the situation.”

  “True, but I sure am grateful.”

  “All right then. Can you tell me why you dislike your family so much?”

  Bryant sucked in a breath. Of course, she had to ask that. “I was pretty sure I’ve said—”

  “Hold on, I might not have phrased that clearly. There’s a rift between you and them. I want to know the first moment that you ever remember knowing that it was there and being hurt by it.”

  “What?”

  “I want to know what started it all. What put the first domino in place that led to the situation you have now.”

  “That’s… that was a long time ago.” Bryant felt the pleasant feeling start to fade. He supposed it was naïve to think that he could ever escape the presence of his family, but it had been nice to hope, for a moment, that it could have been just him and Keiko.

  “But I know you know.”

  “Bold of you to assume.”

  “I’m not assuming.” She narrowed her eyes. “For example, I don’t know the actual first step of my developing an eating disorder, but I absolutely remember the first instance I consciously thought there was something wrong with my body. It’s burned into my mind. I couldn’t forget it even if I wanted to. It’s a part of my history, woven into me like a tapestry.”

  Bryant paused to take a long drink, thinking over whether or not he could brush off her uncomfortable question. The problem was that answering her required him to delve deep into his mind, to a period of his life that he mostly sealed off due to all the bad memories.

  But hadn’t he promised she could ask anything? It wouldn’t do for him to break his word already.

  “All right, let me think a moment.”

  He closed his eyes and tried to recall. There were certain bigger moments that stuck out in his mind, burning points of hot coal, but there smaller moments that occurred before then.

  Finally, he settled on it, his stomach dropping out and the bitter taste of rejection filling his mouth.

  “All right. I think I’ve got it. I was eight, and for a while I got really into model building. I started with cars then planes then dinosaurs. I went through them like a speed demon and liked to paint them up nice and give them away as presents.

  “I don’t know if people actually liked them, but my aunts and uncles and older cousins always acted like it was the coolest thing. I remember one, Aunt Daisy, asked me to autograph it because she was so impressed.”

  Keiko nodded, clearly listening, so he continued. He hadn’t talked about this ever, mostly because he thought it was silly. A child’s view of the world. Interpreting something that wasn’t a big deal like a trauma that felt so much worse.

  Because compared to Keiko, he had it easy. In fact, he was feeling pretty ungrateful for acting like such a victim from time to time.

  Not that he forgave his family. No, there was too much hurt and bitterness there. But he still felt ridiculous for letting himself be wounded so deeply by such incidents.

  “Eventually, I went through all of those figurines from the site that we used, so we moved on to fantasy ones. Dragons and knights and all sorts of things. I loved them, even more than all the others, and I used my birthday money to buy this really elaborate one that was supposed to be an entire battlefield with this giant hydra.

  “I was almost all the way done with it when my brothers came barreling into my room. It was winter, so they didn’t want to go outside in the cold and were tossing a football in the house. Bart tripped, and the next thing we all knew, he crashed right into it.

  “Everything was broken. Pieces smashed, even the table it was on cracked in two and went to the ground. It was a mess, but when Bart got up, he blamed me for having my ‘stupid model’ in the middle of the room.”

  “That sounds upsetting. And that’s the moment that started it all?”

  “No, not then. That was just brothers being brothers. And I suppose I’ve never had a very good temper, because I lost it. I jumped on him and bit him and scratched him all up. Ben ran over and pried me off while Benji held Bart off. As for Bradley, he ran and got Mom.”

  Bryant let out a chuckle at that.

  “Looking back, it’s interesting to think of it from her perspective. She was just feeding her chickens, and she comes inside to absolute mayhem in the sitting room.

  “There was a whole lot of yelling and screaming, and eventually she managed to get the story out. She scolded and punished my brothers for running in the house and playing ball, but that wasn’t enough for me. I was sobbing and screaming and generally throwing a real tantrum and finally, Ma looked to me and said I was being ridiculous; it was just a little model, a toy, and she would buy me a new one if it mattered that much.

  “And that was when I knew that something so very important to me meant nothing to her. That she didn’t care and thought it was replaceable. Later, when we were all getting ready for bed, Bart told me that I was a freak and an idiot for caring about my stupid dragons and things. My brothers all stood around, continuing to brush their teeth, and I could tell by their faces that they all agreed.

  “So yeah, that was it. That was the moment that I realized they saw me as something other than them. Something that didn’t belong.” He felt his cheeks burn. “I bet that sounds real stupid, huh?”

  Keiko shook her head. “No. It makes sense. It always starts as something innocuous, something little that you’re supposed to be able to ‘get over,’ but you never really do, do you?”

  He shouldn’t have even been surprised at that point, but he was. He hadn’t expected her to understand or agree with him. “You sound like you have personal experience. Rough relationship with your parents?”

  “No, my parents saved my life. They can be a smidge overbearing while at the same time being a touch unobservant. It was one of the ways I got away with so much when I was at my sickest.”

  Bryant tried to piece it together then, but he was baffled. “Then… what was your moment that made you feel different than everyone else?”

  “Fifth grade Girl Scouts. I wasn’t really much of one for group activities or anything that happened outside of a book, so I would usually just read to myself after my parents dropped me off. Closer to the end of the meeting, when the leaders were busy with other things, this group of girls surrounded me and asked if I a
te cats or dogs and pulled at the corners of their eyes to make them slanted. That was the moment that I knew I wasn’t like them, and I never would be.”

  Bryant sat back, trying to catch up with all the mental images that flashed through his mind. He could see it so clearly playing out in front of him, along with all the humiliation and rejection that probably had filled little Keiko for the first time.

  “Geez, kids can be really cruel, huh?”

  “I’ve found that adults can be too. Theirs is just more guided.”

  “Fair enough.”

  She switched to the noodles and ate a single one before giving him a soft smile. “Thank you for telling me that.”

  “No problem. Like I said, it’s the least I could do.”

  “No, the least you could do is absolutely nothing at all. The important thing to remember is that you’ve at least tried to do the right thing.”

  “I’ll… try to keep that in mind.”

  “I think you should.”

  She had slowed down in her eating, but Bryant finally felt settled enough to dig in himself. Thankfully, the conversation grew much more relaxed, and he could truly say he had a good time.

  He just hoped Keiko did too.

  18

  Keiko

  She ended up staying three full days at the center with Dr. Hyleir before she felt comfortable enough to go home the next day. She was aware that she probably should have called her parents and told them what was going on, but she didn’t want them to worry.

  And her parents would definitely worry.

  She had plenty to occupy her without them, however. Between her sessions with Dr. Hyleir, her quiet time spent in prayer and reflection, and her visits from Bryant and Dani, she had a pretty packed schedule.

  And boy, had she learned quite a lot about Bryant in that short amount of time.

  In just a few days, she was able to confirm a lot of what she had suspected. That he was kind. That he was creative. That he was a bit insecure and emotionally aware. That he loved animals and the act of creating something beautiful, and that he feared failure.

  They shared so many similarities, the two of them. Two people who’d been shattered in the past and had found very different ways of gluing themselves together.

  “Hey there, are you ready to go?”

  She stood up as Bryant entered the lobby. Of course, Dani and Benji had volunteered to pick her up and take her back to her apartment as soon as she started talking about leaving. But when Bryant asked, looking at her through those thick lashes of his, a slight layer of dark stubble on his chiseled, tanned face, she’d agreed.

  She didn’t know what exactly had happened to the man, but he seemed… different to her. There was still that sort of rule-breaking naughtiness to him, but there was something else. Sometimes she caught him looking at her, not like a prize to be won, but like someone who was important to him.

  Someone he admired.

  It was so different from the lustful gazes he had used when they first met that she couldn’t help but think if maybe, just maybe, Dr. Hyleir was right.

  But even if the doctor was, Keiko needed time before she pursued that. She needed to heal and bolster up her health in all aspects before she considered anything like the possibility of a relationship.

  What was that one saying in the Bible? Remove the log from her own eye before the splinter from another? Although Bryant definitely had more than just a splinter in his eye, she wouldn’t do him much help if she was sick herself.

  “That I am, got my bag and everything.”

  “How’d you get that?” he said, looking at the duffle she had over her shoulder.

  “Dani brought it to me. Some patients aren’t allowed personal belongings because they’re a danger to themselves or others, but I’m allowed a relative amount of freedom.”

  “That’s good then. That sundress you were wearing yesterday was nice.”

  “Was it?” She didn’t know why, but her heart stuttered at that.

  “Yeah, it was. May I?”

  He held his hand out and she startled at it, uncertain and surprised. After a brief struggle in her head, she slid her own hand into his.

  “Oh,” he muttered quietly. “I was just asking you for your bag.”

  Keiko felt herself blush outright and her eyes go wide. “Right. That makes sense.”

  “But… this is all right.” He turned and offered his other hand, a bemused smile on his face.

  This time Keiko knew what was going on, and she handed him the strap to her duffle. He took it easily, and they walked out together.

  She was perfectly ready to make the trek to the parking garage, but she saw his car was right there and waiting for her.

  “Oh, did you just get here?”

  “I was actually getting coffee over at the café across the street when you texted me, it was perfect timing.”

  “That worked out then.”

  “Yeah, our luck has been turning around lately.”

  “I’m not so sure it’s luck.”

  “Then what?” he asked, opening the door for her.

  She shrugged. “Maybe God. Maybe it’s all just coincidence.”

  “Well, I know which one of the two you believe,” he said as she slipped into the car.

  She chuckled, pulling her legs in so that he could close the door then go around the front of the car. Unlike all of the other Millers, he didn’t own a massive truck. Instead it was some sort of speedy, expensive thing, the cost of which could probably feed a family of five for a year.

  They hit the road without any other incident, the radio playing low while they zoomed along. She noticed he took the backroad way to do it, and she couldn’t help but wonder if it was to spend more time with her.

  No, that was self-absorbed to think. Maybe he was just worried about driving too fast with her in the car. That was silly, but flattering, nonetheless.

  For once, their conversation wasn’t about wounds or what was wrong with each other or the world. They talked about the countryside, the view, the forecast for the week, and all the emails they both no doubt had to catch up on.

  She hadn’t told the church exactly what was going on with her because some of the parishioners were too old or too set in their ways to understand. She’d heard far too many comments about how mental illnesses were made up or how depression was just in people’s heads. She didn’t want to lose any of her ministries by what essentially would be a lot of hurtful gossip.

  But she did have to explain her sudden absence, so her excuse was that she had an emergency trip come up with one of her cousins who lived the state over. It was a flimsy excuse, but the only reason it worked was because her parents were off visiting some other relatives back in Hawaii.

  Her parents being out of town was one of the reasons that she had been so alone, but it was certainly working out for her at the moment. It was that old hindsight, she supposed.

  The hour and fifteen minutes the backroads took to get to her place went too fast, and the next thing she knew he was pulling up next to her car.

  “I’ll take your bag in for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  There was something strange between them as they walked up the stairs. Like a sort of heaviness that weighed down the air, making it thick and cottony in her lungs. A balloon about to pop, almost, but when they entered her apartment, that tension dissipated instead of any sort of climactic conclusion.

  She was just so glad to be home.

  “Uh, I hope you don’t mind. I came by and tidied up.”

  “You mean got rid of all of the evidence of my mental break?”

  “Something along those lines.”

  She smiled at him and settled onto her couch. “I think I’ll take a nap soon. I haven’t been in my own bed in what feels like ages.”

  “That sounds like a good idea. Do you want me to make you some tea?”

  “Yeah, that would be lovely.”

  “You want some chamomile?”
<
br />   “I’ll take the lavender-mint, please.”

  “All right. Any special directions?”

  “Just put about a spoonful of leaves into my diffuser then boil water in my electric kettle. I’m sure you can figure out the rest.”

  “Sounds good. You just sit and let someone else take care of you for once.”

  She huffed as best she could. “I just spent about four days being completely taken care of by other people.”

  “I think that was more you just taking care of yourself. Sure, they were all there to be tools for you, but if you weren’t leading the way, it wouldn’t have been much help at all, would it?”

  “When did you get so insightful?”

  “I always have been,” he said with a chuckle. “I just wasn’t using my powers for good before. I’m trying to change that.”

  She didn’t have a response, her body flushing from head to toe, so she just nodded faintly.

  He was trying to change? Dr. Hyleir’s words played through her head again.

  More food for thought.

  There was such a thing as too big of a meal, however, and she felt overfull of new information. Although she had been praying her head off at the clinic, it would most definitely do her a lot of good to go to a Bible study at the church. Get some support and affirmation from her friends there. The Bible had whole passages about Christians being sharpening stones and family to each other. She could definitely use some sharpening.

  Sighing, she thought of all she would have to do to get to Bible study. Either she would need to get dressed, go in her car and drive to where it was just out of town, or she would have to walk. She didn’t think she had that in her. Maybe next week, and she could just make sure she caught the sermon on Sunday.

  “I didn’t think I took that long on the tea,” Bryant said, coming in and handing her a steaming mug.

  “You didn’t. No, I am incredibly grateful. I just was thinking about if I would get to Bible study tomorrow, but I don’t think I have the wherewithal to get there. Silly, but the thought of driving or walking that far right now seems too exhausting.”