Caged: Cellar Door Series

by Pars, K.

  “My favorite…” Kylee shifted around a bit more and fell back to sleep soundly, her body completely relaxed.

  I laid there completely fucking lost as dozens of emotions broke through me like waves crashing against the shore. Her favorite, favorite what? Did it matter what? She was the light in life. Full of optimism and all good intentions and a smile that just made your day better because it had fucking shined on you. How could anyone even entertain doing something that could screw that up. I was head sprung 100% because she was my favorite too.

  I rolled to my back; crossed my arms behind my head and thought about her next to me. She had been so messed up at the club anybody could have taken her home, taken advantage of her and pure fear jolted through me causing my heart to scramble wildly in my chest. What if I hadn’t been there? What if the next time she pulled this shit me or Matt weren’t there? By the time the sun began to stream in my window I was good and fucked in the head turning the confusion and fear into anger, a feeling I could work with. Something I knew how to handle cause every other emotion she stirred in me I damn sure didn’t know how.

  I could tell the moment she came awake, her body stiffening as she took in her surroundings. She scooted away from me curling the covers tight around her. “What am I doing in bed with you? God my head hurts.” She didn’t appear scared but was confused and embarrassed about being in my bed; trying to recall the night before.

  She didn’t deserve it but I couldn’t stop myself as I started in on her. “Exactly. What are you doing in bed with me? You got any fucking clue where else you might have ended up?” My words were sharper than I meant them to be and she winced, hurt filling her eyes before her anger took over.

  Her eyes flashed as she glowered at me, her icy tone snapping at me.“What do you care? We are barely friends anymore and you’re worried about where I might have ended up? It’s not like I’ve never been in a man’s bed you jerk. It’s not your business. Or did I interrupt your plans for the evening. Jenn told me you don’t have to fight to find someone to fill your bed. Real nice JD.” Her hand rose to rub at her temple and she couldn’t hide the shaking of it.

  I gritted my teeth, my jaw clenching tightly. “I don’t invite chicks back to my place. You’re the only one whose ever slept in this bed and just so you know; you made it my business when you couldn’t fucking stand up anymore. Much less make a solid decision about who you were going home with. Sorry if I shit canned your plans with Javier.” Pissed didn’t cover how I felt and Jenn could suck my left nut. She’d tried getting in my pants all through high school and now she wanted to fill Kylee’s head with shit, even if it was true….fuck that.

  The fact Kylee would have rather woken anywhere else was a kick to the gut. She was angry because she was with me, the one fucker that would look out for her, well one of two. Matt would never have taken advantage of Kylee either. I didn’t bother explaining the mess she’d really been, there was no point. I swept the covers off me and planted my feet to the floor, rising from the bed more angry than I’d ever been, more hurt than I could reconcile.

  I headed towards the door, my feet stomping across the hardwood flooring not caring that each step caused Kylee to grimace. “You don’t want it to be my business then don’t press me about being god damn friends and for fucks sake don’t get so damn drunk you don’t even know who the hell you’re with.”

  I had slept worth shit, in jeans no less and she wanted to give me shit? I knew she’d had a boyfriend in college, yet another little nugget of info Matt felt the need to share and now she was sharing it too, rubbing it in my face. How the hell was she going to judge my life? And fuck….it shouldn’t matter to either of us. We were just friends….yeah, even I didn’t believe that anymore. I’d always been connected to Kylee in one way or another, from the first day of second grade when she’d shared her lunch with me because I didn’t have one, to the moment her eyes had popped open in my bed that morning. Life would have been a lot easier if she’d ridden off into the happily ever fucking after I’d pictured for her.

  I stormed into the kitchen; could hear the scrambling in the hall behind me before the bathroom door slammed shut. I popped a k-cup in the Kuerig and really wished that machine could brew bourbon. I hadn’t refilled my stock since Matt told me I needed to chill the hell out so coffee it was. I turned to grab creamer out of the fridge and caught Matt leaning against it.

  “WHAT?” I was seething and my temper was going nuclear.

  “Slow your roll JD, I didn’t do shit to you. What the hell did you do to her though? She looked ready to cry when I passed her in the hallway.” Matt moved to get his own cup. Won’t but one fucker that could talk to me that way and even he generally didn’t but he was right, Kylee was upset and it was my fault but I still was functioning on my anger which didn’t really help things.

  “I didn’t do a fucking thing but wake up beside her which was more than enough since she found it so damn distasteful. She could have ended up in anybody’s bed as drunk as she was and she’s giving me shit cause she was in my bed and didn’t know why. At least she got some fucking sleep.” I put my cup in the machine and stabbed a button to fill the mug. I jerked my cup off the machine and spilled hot coffee over my hand, letting loose a series of curses.

  Matt shook his head, his face reading a whole lot of you are stump stupid. “You need to talk, both of you need to talk. This is getting down right ridiculous JD. She’s a damn adult and so are you for Christ’s sake. You can’t chastise her for making her own decisions or mistakes. You’re not her man and even as friend, there’s a line you keep crossing by trying to tell her what to do. You wouldn’t give me shit for getting tore out the frame. If she didn’t matter to you, this wouldn’t even be a damn issue.” Matt popped his own k-cup in and started the machine, his annoyance about the entire situation riding all over his face.

  “You’re not her.” Fuck my head was all over the place. Part of me knew Matt was right. The other part, the part that couldn’t reconcile the possibility of being more with Kylee still rebelled against what he was saying. I couldn’t chance losing my shit with Kylee and hurting her, really hurting her. Most of the time I didn’t think it would ever be possible but then I couldn’t trust my temper. I’d beat my pop unconscious, I’d beaten an opponent so badly he’d been in the hospital for days, I didn’t trust that something wouldn’t set me off and she’d end up in the middle. I’d never forgive myself and I had no guarantees that wouldn’t happen and that was the part I didn’t ever want her to witness or be touched by. I had inherited the worst parts of my dad and if he were still breathing he’d be happy to point out every single flaw.

  I felt a hand land on my shoulder again and I sighed, my shoulders slumping; Matt’s voice calm and collected hitting my ears. “No I’m not her and you’re not your dad JD. Funny how that works, that everyone is their own damn person. Realize that shit. And unless you tell Kylee what the hell your deal is, it’s not going to be fixable.”

  Kylee walked in just as Matt moved his hand from my shoulder, her eyes bright, unshed tears pooling in the depths of them. “Matt can you give me a ride to my truck?” She wouldn’t even look at me as she spoke and that tagged me in the gut hard. “I’ll have your shirt returned to you JD.” With that, she strode out of the kitchen to stand outside, Matt taking his coffee with him to give her the ride, muttering as he left. “Dumbasses.”

  Chapter 10

  I’d just gotten back home from training at Odyssey and dumped myself straight in the recliner kicking it back; Matt lounged on the couch, laid back with one arm behind his head. I had a couple of big fights coming up and had been pushing my training hard with the exception of going out Saturday night. Even physically exhausted my mind went straight to Kylee.

  “She get off aight?” I probably shouldn’t have asked but I had to know Kylee was okay.

  “Yeah minus the breakdown she seemed ready to have that we both know she won’t do in front of me or you. You’re an asshat.”
Matt jerked the remote up off his stomach and flipped through the channels barely landing on one before changing to another. Something he knew drove me bat shit crazy.

  “Why can’t you just use the fucking guide?” I was in a foul mood, better than earlier but foul just the same, a tribute to the fact I was riding Matt’s ass about changing channels.

  “Why can’t you just admit what she fucking means to you?” Matt waved the remote towards me for emphasis his question pissing me the hell off.

  I brought the recliner back to a sitting position, my arms bent; dropping to rest on my knees, my hands clenching. “You know why Matt.” I stared at him hard, cause he knew why. “Why are you giving so much shit about it? It’s not like it’s your business.”

  He swung his legs around as he righted his body, sitting up; his green eyes boring into mine.”Do we really have to have this convo again? You are beyond deep over her. Always have been. You think I didn’t know that as far back as damn elementary school dude? Everyone that’s ever rotated near you two has known that. Yet you can’t seem to get your head wrapped around the fact that the one person that might be able to break your ass is the one that never would. You let the loss, the pain you’ve suffered and it’s been a shit ton, I’m not minimizing that, rule your damn world. Worse, you’re letting fear rule you right now. Something I thought hell would freeze over before I’d see happen. Your one of the toughest sonsabitches I’ve ever known, but you are letting fear run your damn life.” Matt paused, his chest hitching with emotion, every word spoken from his heart; letting the thoughts he’d been holding back free while I sat staring at him trying to remember that this was my friend so I didn’t vault up out of the recliner and kick his ass all over the apartment.

  “You are so worried you might lose your shit that you’ll hurt her because of what happened with your dad, what happened with me, what happened in that fight, it’s got you all twisted up.”

  Matt rubbed a hand over his face, clearly well past frustrated. “You didn’t even know I was fucking there JD! He almost broke your jaw, he’d broken two, count them… one…“Matt held up one finger and then another. “…two of your ribs. You were pumped up, hurt, angry and fighting for your damn life…against your fucking dad dude. You really think the couple of bruises I took were that big a deal? I’d take that shit every day to see you fucking whole. And big fucking news flash bro….she helps do that for you. She always has.” He got to his feet, slung the remote to the couch and squared off at me, something he’d never done and my jaws stayed clamped down tightly knowing if I spoke it would be the kind of shit you couldn’t take back just cause I was pissed.

  “I know you got issues JD. That they have fucked you in the fights, put you on the line, but if you ask me; some of that is because of the shit you won’t deal with and by that I mean Kylee. You wouldn’t have lost your shit as badly as you did four years ago if it weren’t for her. Or let’s be honest. The lack of her you douche.” Matt stalked back to his bedroom slamming the door behind him.

  Fanfuckingtastic. The two people who meant the most to me in the world were pissed as hell at me. Had to be a fucking talent of mine. Worse…I suspected Matt was completely fucking right, again. It was making my head hurt.

  Getting up from the recliner, I paced between the living room and the kitchen, tossing my hands behind my head; elbows bent as I made the circuit and tried to calm down breathing in and out deeply. Matt was fucking right and it sucked. That fucker knew me better than anyone and he was calling me on shit hard core. I paused my trek, found my phone and texted Kylee; a sour taste building in my mouth.

  {You aight?} I waited, holding the phone like an idiot to see if she responded. I was pretty sure I had graduated from high school…..

  {Leave me alone.}

  Apparently our bodies had moved forward but based on Kylee’s response, our minds hadn’t. She was beyond pissed at me and I could understand it, still didn’t like it though. I walked down the hallway and into my room; flopped down on my bed, my phone lying beside me as I looked at the screen waiting for it to fade back to black again. Before it could I picked it up, didn’t think, just sent another text.

  {What if I can’t?}

  I tossed the phone down again, scrubbing both hands over my head and feeling like a fucktard, a feeling I was becoming way too familiar with.

  I clock watched, looked at the time that passed by until the screen went black and then the green light finally blinked at me. I never kept my cell on ring, it almost always was on silent but I knew when the green light lit; when it winked on and off that I had a message. Picking the phone up from beside me, I keyed in the pass code and read the message.

  {You’ve done it for four years. Should be cake by now. Go the hell away.}

  I dropped the phone back beside me. Kylee was right, as much as that chaffed my ass. I’d made this bed, I needed to lie in it except that bed was uncomfortable as hell. I looked at the phone and then rolled to my side. I don’t know how long I laid there before finally typing another text.

  {Yeah I did. Cake tastes like ass though. Might have been wrong.}

  I hit send before I could suck it back up. Matt was right. Me and Kylee needed a come to Jesus kind of talk, the eye opening this is the shit, this is how it rolls kinda talk.

  Apparently I wasn’t getting that kind of talk because I got nothing but radio silence from her. Not another text came thru. I rolled over to face the window, my phone behind me and just stared into the darkness. I’d lived in some fucked up ways, some that meant so much pain it hurt to breath but none had me as head sprung as being blown off by Kylee did.

  I woke a couple of hours later to what I thought was a soft knock that had my head off the pillow, cocked towards the front of the apartment. It sounded again. I sat up, my feet hitting the floor and padded towards the front of the apartment.

  My hand rested on the front door knob and I twisted it like it owed me money. Pretty as a picture, Kylee was there in a small cami top thing that was making me lose my thought process and a pair of shorts that hung low on her waist. I took a deep deep breath before giving her a cocky grin, covering up the nervousness I actually felt. I could go toe to toe with someone my size or bigger, know that pain was going to be served up, risk getting knocked out and it not faze me but a petite, smart mouthed female could bring me to my knees….every fucking time and she didn’t even know it.

  I swallowed, willing myself to remain calm. “Motel 6 forget to put the light on.”

  No smile answered me. Instead she plowed past me, hands on hips and let loose before I even shut the door.

  “You think you’re so fricking funny JD but you’re not. Do you even care how easily you hurt people, that you hurt me? Is it okay because of your past to crap on the rest of us like we are undeserving? You’re the one undeserving. You don’t deserve someone that stands by you while you push them away. You aren’t worthy of a friend that stays by you in the worst of times for you to shove them from you with no explanation.” Kylee sucked in a deep breath and continued her tirade, one finger pointing towards me accusingly “You’re beyond an asshole. You’re the worst of the worst because everything inside of me ached for the way your dad treated you, when it was so awful that I shed tears because I couldn’t form words to make it better and I hate crying, you know that. You’ve made me feel like less than nothing, like I’m not good enough to be your friend when in truth; it’s you that’s not good enough!”

  Kylee’s chest was heaving, her body shaking with the pent up emotions she was finally unleashing on me and I felt every blow of her words. The pain I’d felt from my pop’s fist, the kick’s he had leveled on me when I lain curled in the floor had nothing on Kylee’s words. The words he hurtled at me like weapons were dull compared to the pain slicing through me from Kylee’s. I sucked it all in, wrapped it tight into me and gave her a sharp nod.

  “Yeah, it’s exactly what I’ve been thinking, what I’ve felt for awhile.” I felt the weight of Matt’s s
tare landing on me from the hallway before I met the look on his face. It was murderous, but I forced my feet into action as I moved past Kylee who was staring at me incredulously like she couldn’t believe I’d just agreed with her.

  “You know the way out.” Done, put a fucking fork in me, I had nothing left inside. The brief hope that had flared in my chest at seeing Kylee, the belief that we’d finally talk and clear shit up had shriveled up and died under her onslaught. She was right. I’d always known she deserved better, she’d just confirmed it. Who the fuck was I to argue it?

  It was odd as shit that my footfalls sounded silent to my own ears, my face was masked in the same look I’d given my pop’s for years, complete detachment, like nothing was fazing me. Kick me, punch me, hurt me, do your fucking worst all you would get is the it’s all good, it doesn’t mean shit to me look….but god damn it did hurt, underneath it hurt no matter what you tried to make them believe, so you never let them see it. I fucking excelled at that.

  I brushed past Matt, lowering my right shoulder so he missed it when his hand reached out to touch me, to offer me some type of comfort, I didn’t want it. I made it to my room; hit the bed before I let the voices at the front of the apartment filter in.

  “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?” It was Matt and he was raging at Kylee. I was numb, comfortably so which was surprising given I hadn’t drank a drop. The pain had been shut away, the internal key turned to lock it down. With a big fight coming up, I was working with water as the preferred form of liquid in my diet. I couldn’t have drank right then even If I needed too I was pretty sure I’d just vomit it back up.

  “Do you even know what you just said Kylee? What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you tell him he’s not good enough? Call him the worst? The fucking worst? That’s how you treat a friend that took you to every god damn dance throughout high school, when it wasn’t his scene? He consistently bent over backwards to make you as happy as he could in the ways that he could. Do you think anyone else would have gotten his feet through the doors Kylee? Do you even know JD? His dad said the same fucking words to him, over and over and fucking over. And then you do it to him. YOU!” It sounded like Matt’s head was going to pop off and he was in a full rant, words spilling from him so quickly that I hadn’t heard Kylee be able to respond. I really didn’t want to hear anymore of the shit. It was said and done. Pop’s was in the ground; whatever he said was no longer an issue. Kylee had said her peace. I’d treat those words the same way.