She had filled so many diaries her papa thought she was going to be a novelist like her Uncle Colin. But in truth, she was writing her words for only one person, only one man. Tonight, she wrote to him about the music she heard below and about how she wished Letty would find happiness with Robert, and Violet with Wes. She was not certain how the two couples did not yet recognize they were perfect for each other, but she prayed they would figure it out soon.
And as she looked out the window of Violet’s bedchamber and stared up at the moon, she sent up a wish for Mark’s safety. That wherever he was he might look up at the same moon and think of her and the good times he had had with her family.
Most of all, she sent her love, hoping that one day he would give his back to her.
* * *
The French Countryside
Mark was cold, tired and hungry. He was in the loft of a barn on the French coast. He hadn’t wished to draw attention to his presence in the small town by staying at an inn, so he had decided to seek shelter in the barn, half of which had fallen apart from neglect and decay. Even Mark’s horse had not wished to step foot in it. But the poor animal was in the stall beneath him, having eaten his fill of oats and hay.
Mark had risked taking this journey to the coast to send a missive to his superiors in the Foreign Office and had been rewarded unexpectedly with a letter from Emerson Manor. The thick packet had a sheet of news from everyone. The Duke and Duchess of Bancroft said their children were determined to find the ghost duchess and her love, but so far to no avail. Their eldest daughter thought she had had a sighting, only to learn it had been one of her brothers playing a trick on her.
The Stemples were expecting yet another baby. Mr. Lewis was called away more and more often to preside over cases in the county since he had earned the reputation as a learned and fair magistrate. Mrs. Lewis and the children missed him a great deal and were hoping to find someone to share in Mr. Lewis’s duties.
Colin was trying to abolish workhouses for children, hoping to gain funding for orphanages which wouldn’t just house children, but teach them, as well. Mark had heard many stories of the horrors of the workhouse. Children losing limbs, little girls and boys mysteriously disappearing, never to be seen again. And women little more than girls who coughed up blood after inhaling the dust of textile houses for so many years. He had seen fires kill dozens of workers and others cast out into the streets after accidents which left them unable to work.
He had truly been fortunate to have been sent to school.
He read each and every letter with delight, despite how homesick he became each time he received them. But there was one letter he always saved for last: Anna’s.
In this latest packet, she wrote to him of preparing for Letty and Violet’s debut. He liked knowing that she thought of him and felt close to him over the miles. She was certainly never far from his thoughts. She was the first person he thought of as he awoke and his last thought as he descended into sleep. She made a cold night in a dilapidated barn worth enduring. He wanted to make her proud. He wanted to help protect his country because it protected her. And he couldn’t deny that the love he had felt for her as an erstwhile brother had changed over the years. He now loved her as a man loved a woman, though he knew he wasn’t good enough for her. She deserved only the best and he knew he would never be that.
He looked up at the moon, fully visible through the missing slats in the roof and comforted himself with thoughts of Anna before finally settling into a cold, wet slumber.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Ridgeway House, London, One Year Later
One year after Letty and Violet’s debut, it was Anna’s turn to officially enter society. This time the ball was held at Ridgeway House, though the Kellingtons were there in full force. Her ball was not as well-attended as the other had been. Her family was quick to point out that the previous year’s occasion had been at the home of the Duke and Duchess of Lynwood and virtually no one would pass up the opportunity to rub shoulders with the man, drink his spirits and eat his delicious food. Her Uncle Colin had said in comparison he was but a lowly earl who didn’t have Lynwood’s grace when it came to arguing with conservative prigs in Lords.
Anna, however, knew that she was the reason for the lower attendance. Not only was it well known that her birth had been the result of an affair, but she also had native blood. Her skin was a dark tan, far from the alabaster white complexion of “proper” English ladies.
Anna had tried to convince her family that a debut was wholly unnecessary. But they said it was important for her to make her formal bow into the ton. When she said she had no desire to marry – which was a slight falsehood since there was one man she very much wished to have as a husband – they said she might change her mind in the future and she should think about children.
And that was what made her reconsider because she very much wanted children.
So she had endured the fittings for her debut gown and the other clothing which would be more suitable to a young lady in Society than the simple gowns she preferred in the country. And she allowed the maids to style her hair, though she still preferred the braids of her native culture.
Letty and Violet were with her every step of the way as she prepared for the ball and, of course, they would be attending, though Anna could tell neither had her heart in it.
Letty was vexed because Robert had been avoiding her. She never saw him at balls, which made sense since he kept reminding them he could not dance. But the bigger problem lay with the fact he did not feel he would ever marry despite the obligation to his title.
Wes, on the other hand, had scarpered off to Philadelphia, disappointing Violet, who had shared a kiss with him at her debut. Whenever Letty wrote to her brother, she never failed to tell him what a nincompoop he was.
At her debut, Anna stood in the receiving line between her parents. There were more guests than she expected because no well-dowered debutante was ever completely ignored. Apparently avarice could sometimes trump bigotry.
When the last of the guests had finally been announced and the receiving line ended, Letty and Violet commandeered Anna’s dance card.
“There are some very pleasant gentlemen on here,” said Letty with approval. “Though you cannot under any circumstances dance with Percy Reynolds. Why is he even here? I told James he should not under any circumstances be on the guest list.”
“Who is he?” asked Anna.
“He went to school with Wes, Robert and Mark and was absolutely horrid to them,” said Letty. “I have run into him on a few occasions in London, and he is most unpleasant. They say he spends all his time in gaming hells and brothels and is in desperate need of coin.”
“That explains why he is here,” said Anna, “though I do not remember being introduced to him. Mayhap he had someone else put his name on my card.”
“That sounds like something he would do,” said Letty. “I will have Thompson throw him out forthwith. Drat!” she said as music began to play. “I have promised this dance to Lord Wellesley.”
“Is he another man like Reynolds?” asked Anna.
“He is amiable enough,” said Letty. “I just do not care for dancing, despite what some people say.”
Anna knew the “some people” to which Letty referred was actually one man, Robert. Letty wanted him to realize she did not give a whit for his physical limitations. When Wellesley came to claim his dance, Letty reluctantly allowed him to escort her onto the dance floor.
Unfortunately, that was the moment Robert approached Anna. He had not missed the sight of Letty beginning her dance.
“You look beautiful, Anna,” said Robert, though she heard the note of pain in his voice.
Why was love never simple? “I did not expect you to come,” she said to Robert, as he bowed over her hand. She could tell he was trying not to look in Letty’s direction.
“I am not fond of balls, but I couldn’t let this occasion pass without paying my respects. Are you enjoyin
g your evening?”
“I am now that you are here. Though if Mama, Papa or any of my aunts and uncles ask, pray tell them I’m having a marvelous time.”
“If you need any help fending odd unwanted suitors, you need only ask.”
His smile warmed her. But it was too bad it did not reach his eyes.
* * *
Mark stood in the shadows of the mews behind Ridgeway House and listened to the orchestra play. He shouldn’t be there for many reasons, not the least of which was he was in the middle of a mission and needed to be at a meeting in a scant few hours. His superiors had been surprised that he had volunteered to return to England from the continent, but the timing had been too good to pass up.
It was Anna’s debut in Society. And while he should be happy for her, just the thought of her dancing with lordlings of the ton made him want to rush in there and run away with her. He couldn’t, of course. She deserved much better than him, not to mention it would be an especially poor way to repay the Emerson family for their kindness through the years. He finally had a family. He couldn’t dishonor them by robbing Anna of her future.
Not to mention James Emerson would shoot him if he had any idea how Mark thought about Anna. How much he wanted her. How much he loved her.
He should turn around and leave. He certainly wasn’t dressed for such a formal occasion. He had changed out of his travelling clothes, but he wasn’t in evening wear – that would be a bit difficult to explain at his meeting. He would embarrass Anna and the family if he went in there now. He should leave, but he couldn’t. He had come this far so he had to follow through and at least wish her well.
It was what a true gentleman would do.
But he wasn’t a gentleman.
* * *
When Robert excused himself to speak to Anna’s family, she found herself out of sorts at her very own ball. She wished to dance with only one man, but he wasn’t there. And if she could not dance with him, she wouldn’t dance with anyone. She quietly slipped out onto the terrace and looked up at the starlit sky. It had become a nightly ritual for her to find the North Star, then make a wish for her beloved to return to her – even if he didn’t realize he was that dear to her. She liked thinking that wherever he was, he might look up at the same star and feel her love protecting him.
“So beautiful.”
Anna froze. For a moment, it was as if Mark had heard her over the many miles. But that could not be. He was somewhere on the continent doing his blasted duty for his country. Hoping against hope, she turned to see the object of her affections there in front of her. Then a chill descended upon her. In her culture, a warrior who had been killed on the battlefield often appeared before his loved ones in a vision at the moment of his death. But then she felt his warm hand take hers.
“Did I frighten you?”
Words would not come to her, despite the feelings pouring from her heart. She could only shake her head.
He drew closer. She looked into the eyes which were so dear to her. For a moment she thought he might kiss her as he lowered his head, but then he drew back. “You still smell of roses.”
She nodded, then tried desperately to find her voice. “You are truly here.”
“I am,” he said. “But only for a short while. I have a meeting in a little more than an hour, then return to the continent directly.”
Disappointment hit Anna hard in her chest. “You will not stay?”
“I cannot. But I also could not stay away on your big night.”
“The best part of this evening is seeing you again.”
He reached out to touch her face. “You’re so beautiful.”
Anna melted into his touch. But he pulled away much too quickly and even took a step back. “You should be dancing,” he said, his voice deeper than usual.
“Are you asking me?”
“I cannot possibly go in the ballroom dressed like this. It is not what you need.”
“You do not know what I need. I would be proud to dance with you in front of everyone.”
“It is out of the question.”
“We do not have time to argue. If you will not come inside, then dance with me here.”
For a moment it looked like he would refuse her, but then he pulled her into his arms just as a waltz began to play. During her months of dance instruction, Anna had been told about the propriety of dancing at a ton event. She had learned not just the steps but the way to keep her body separate from a gentleman’s. She was told she should resist being pulled closer, though there were rogues who would undoubtedly try. And no part of her should ever touch any part of the gentleman other than her hand in his, her hand on his shoulder and his hand on her waist. Anna didn’t think that would be a problem, since she could not imagine ever wanting to touch any gentlemen of the ton with intimacy. The hand and shoulder would be more than enough.
But nothing could have prepared her for how she felt when Mark pulled her into his arms, then against his body. For a moment she forgot to breathe, so there was no chance she would remember how to waltz. But as Mark led her through the steps, she found her body followed his with no thought on her part. She had never danced this easily, if it even was dancing. All she could feel was the heat of his body, the feel of his breath near her ear. His heartbeat was giving life to her and she wanted to be closer still. Her breasts were pressed into his chest. She felt a warmth flowing from him to her and she suddenly felt an excitement previously unknown to her.
“You dance very well,” she said breathlessly.
“We learned at school,” he said softly, his mouth mere inches from her mouth. “Then Colin employed a tutor for me.”
“I remember,” she said. “I used to watch you.”
“I hope I have improved since then,” he said, as he pulled her a bit closer.
“Do you dance now? In your duties with the Foreign Office?” She felt him hesitate just a moment before answering.
“At times it is part of my mission.”
“Do you meet a great many ladies?”
He hesitated again. “There are times when I must make the acquaintance of ladies, though most of my work is with other men.”
She really did not wish to hear the answer to this next question, but felt she must ask. “Have you fallen in love with any of those ladies?”
He stopped their dance. “No,” he said as his gaze held hers. “I have never been interested in anyone else.”
Anyone else? What exactly was he saying? Before she could ask, he took her hand and led her deeper into the garden. They had almost reached the gate when he stopped and pulled her to him.
“I am a selfish man,” he said. “I never should have come here tonight. I should have left you alone. But I could not bear to stay away. I know you will marry one of them. That is as it should be. However, I must claim one kiss before you are lost to me forever.”
Before Anna was able to give any type of response, he had pulled her to him so closely they were pressed together all down the front. Close enough that her breasts felt impossibly full as they were crushed against him. Close enough that she could feel his bulge pressing against her. She would have liked to have concentrated on that a bit longer when all of the sudden, she felt the warmth of his breath on her lips, then he gave her the kiss she had dreamed of for so long.
His lips moved softly over hers, then his tongue gently pressed into her mouth. She had seen her parents kiss this way, but she had no idea how wonderful it would feel. She tightened her hold on him, which made Mark groan and pull her even closer. She didn’t know how long they were like that until he finally withdrew, but they were still mere inches apart.
He put his head against hers and Anna reveled in the closeness.
* * *
Mark had just made his situation much worse. It was one thing to hate the very thought of any other man even taking her hand. But now that he had tasted the sweetness of her lips, he wanted to kill any other man who even thought about kissing her. She should be li
ke a sister to him. But this wasn’t Letty or Violet. This was the woman who would forever own his heart – dear, sweet Anna.
It had been a mistake to drag her off to the privacy of the garden. But anyone might have found them on the terrace and while they weren’t doing anything wrong, he did not wish to miss even one of the few moments he had to spend with her. Everyone else had all the time in the world to spend with her. He did not.
“Mark,” she said, her voice a low rasp. “Hold me.”
He had no choice but to obey.
“Is that all you want to do, Mark? Just hold me?”
Hell no. He wanted to do everything with her, to her. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but she deserved better. One of the reasons he had joined the Foreign Office was to prove himself as someone who was at least partially worthy of her. He may have been born in the stews, but if he served his country, if he was brave and honorable then, perhaps, it wouldn’t be looked upon as such a mesalliance if they were to marry.
“It is all I can do, love,” said Mark.
“Love?”
Her eyes were filled with such hope it was painful to look upon them.
She continued. “Do not go back. Stay here. Stay with me. I know you seek excitement, but we would be happy. I know we would.”
He was so tempted to promise to come back and make her his own. To care for her the rest of their days. But he could make no promises. He had to complete his mission and there was no guarantee he would live to see the end of it. So, instead, he had to give her up. “You are young.”
“I am old enough to know what I want. And what I want is to have you kiss me again. I would like…I would like you to lay me down on the grass and do those things I have dreamed about. The things I have dreamed about doing with you.”
Never and Always (Emerson Book 6) Page 20