What If

by Taryn Steele

  “So cool,” Christopher gasps.

  Cole’s description does sound amazing but also still leaves me with a bundle of apprehensive nerves so I do my best to change the topic of conversation but my brain is mush so I stand up from the table and start collecting dishes to bring to the kitchen. I can still hear conversations looming behind me but it’s Cole coming up from behind me carrying more dishes that startles me causing me to drop a plate and it crashes at my feet.

  “Shit,” I cry under my breath not trying to show emotion.

  As if she could sense my unease Olivia comes darting into the kitchen.

  “Abby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Cole remarks while bending down picking up pieces of the shattered dinner plate.

  “No, no, totally my fault,” I state while searching for the dust pan in the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.

  Olivia kneels to next to me while I attempt to hide my face inside the cabinet from embarrassment.

  “Hey, are you okay? I don’t care how smoking hot Nate is I will kick both of them fuck out of here,” Olivia states.

  I can’t help but chuckle at her devotion to our friendship.

  “I’m okay. Just wasn’t expecting anyone behind me,” I tell her honestly.

  “Oh good, because we made plans to go dancing at the salsa club on the turnpike after here.”

  “I would never let you miss an opportunity to dance the night away. I know it’s your second favorite release of good energy,” I tell her with a wink and silly grin.

  “In all honesty, his face is picture perfect and I’d like to frame it with my thighs.”

  I love my no-hold-barred bestie.

  I laugh at the sight of Cole tip toeing into the kitchen as I peer over Olivia’s shoulder. I’m not sure if this is helping my embarrassment or making it worse. I do the only thing I know, turn around, hide my face and start washing dishes.

  “Olivia, Chris and Nate request your presence for an intense video game of Miss Pac-Man in Chris’ room,” Cole divulges.

  Olivia looks to me for confirmation that I will be okay. I give a slight nod, and just like that she giggles like a school girl and skips away.

  The conversation with Cole is quite easy. I am able to quickly calm my nerves of being in such close proximity with a celebrity and my embarrassment from the dinner plate smashing fiasco is gone. We joke about how much he hated the remake of the Point Break movie, our similarity for the love of coffee, and he even talks a little about his condo in Dana Point, California. It sounds breathtaking but I could never live there. Between the wildfires and earthquakes I’ll settle for a week’s vacation, but never a permanent residence.

  “So, how soon after your judging job at the surf competition do you head back to sunny California?” I ask.

  “Actually, Nate and I were talking about it last night. I’m moving back here to Florida. I’ve been thinking about retiring for about a month now. When I broke the news to Nate he asked me to be a co-owner with him in his tree service business. I had a great time working with him today,” Cole reveals.

  “Wow, retirement. I don’t know if Christopher will be more upset about that or elated that ‘The Colson Baker’ will in the same state as him,” I say in jest.

  A familiar Looney Tunes sound goes off somewhere in my close proximity but I can’t figure out what the hell it is or where it is coming from. When Cole notices me turning in circles looking like a lost sheep he chuckles and shows me his cell phone. “It’s my text notification sound,” he tells me. His expression changes quickly after looking at his phone. I can’t tell if it’s concern or hatred. Cole immediately excuses himself and I watch him make his way down the hall then I hear him call to Nate. Moments later they are swiftly making their way back to me and I see Olivia directly behind them with a look of possibly discontent on her face. It’s hard to tell when she’s had a couple of beers in her system.

  Repeated apologies come from Cole and Nate but both state that something has come up and they have to leave. Just like that, dinner is over. Olivia and I stare at each other and shrug. We have no idea what just happened but I have a feeling Olivia and Nate have already exchanged phone numbers and have a date lined up so I’m sure she’ll find out sooner or later.

  Your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel.

  I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her so fucking bad. I just couldn’t. It feels so wrong. Her husband died. I’m here to help her son. What kind of man does that make me if I make a move?

  I can’t shake this feeling. I feel connected to Abby. It’s not just her looks or the fact that I haven’t had sex in almost two years. There’s something about Abby that I just can’t jar. From the moment she opened her front door and I first saw her, she took my breath away. I couldn’t breath for a hot second and I was completely fine with it. I knew, I just had a feeling, that first smile I saw on her face, I was in trouble.

  It doesn’t matter anyway, that text from my mom stopped any possibility of a kiss anyway. I’m not mad or bitter about it. I would do anything for my mom. I just need to remember to keep my anger in check when it comes to texts and calls like that from her. If I don’t I will probably end up in jail.

  Home was an angry place, always waiting for the explosion between my parents.

  My mother was being beaten, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to help her, but I knew I couldn’t call the police.

  It robbed me of a normal childhood, and it has left lasting issues stretching into my adult life that I am still working on today.

  I will protect my mom at all costs.

  I am beyond grateful the hospital has given me weekends off this month. An early Saturday morning at the beach with Christopher is exactly where I want to be right now. Chris takes off with his skim board as soon as we pick our spot and our beach blanket is laid out. I know he’s having a blast on that thing but I see him watching the surfers out there very intently.

  I must give credit where credit is due though. As I watch the handful of surfers out there right now it is quite amazing what they do. I am one hundred percent confident I could not stand up on a board and ride a wave, never mind some of the specially skilled surfers who can do tricks. Most of them look to be half my age. A sense of guilt comes over me as I continue to see Christopher watching them. He’s not that much younger than these kids. They probably started at his age. I’ve kept him from this, because of my own selfish fears. I was so mad at Dominic for signing him up for that one lesson. He wasn’t doing it to piss me off, he was doing it for Chris. I realize that now.

  Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the surfers off to the far right coming in from the water. Why does he look so familiar? I notice him continuing to make his way up to a house on the beach. I definitely don’t know him. You have to be rich to have a house on the beach. I turn around one last time and watch as the tall, brunette surfer strips off his wet suit. Just then as he turns his head I come to realization that it’s Cole. Immediately I see a woman join him outside. He’s married? I had no idea. Why would he leave her home and bring his brother to dinner at my home?

  Crap! I hope he can’t see me staring. Last thing I need is the cops being called on me for being a voyeur.

  Jumping from my seat I pull off my beach cover up dress revealing my favorite teal tankini adorned with my favorite, unique flower, the ranunculus. I run to Christopher on the beach, sneak up behind him and splash him with water. We chase each other back and forth and take turns on the skim board for a few minutes when Chris wants to stop again and point out the surfers to me.

  “Hey!” I hear a male voice shout from behind startling me, I jump as if I just got stung by a jellyfish.

  “Cole!” Christopher shouts and runs passed me.

  I swiftly turn and see it is in fact Cole.

  Shit, he saw me watching him and now I’m going to get arrested as if I’m some crazy stalker; and in front of my son. This is fucking embarrassing.
>
  “Hey guys, I thought that was you but I wasn’t sure until I saw your bright, neon green skim board,” Cole reveals.

  “You saw us? Where did you come from?” Christopher asks.

  “Over there. I’m renting a house on the beach here,” Cole turns and points to the house I saw him at.

  “Who’s that lady waving?” Chris asks.

  “Oh, that’s my mom. It’s her first day off in months and she wanted to hang out at the beach so I told her she could use my place,” Cole admits.

  Ohhhh, his mother.

  It hasn’t gone unnoticed that Cole has his surfboard, or stick as the pros call it, under his arm. I know what he’s thinking and against my better judgement I am going to go along with it. I won’t hold - I can’t hold - Chris back any longer. It’s not fair to him.

  “So, Cole, since you have your surf board handy is there any chance you would be willing to show Christopher a thing or two?” I ask with a wink acknowledging that I know that was his plan all along.

  Cole chuckles knowing he’s been outed. Christopher can’t contain his excitement and is already running into the water shouting for Cole to join him.

  For the next two hours I continue to nervously watch Christopher and Cole in the ocean. My nerves slowly dissipate over time as I pay close attention to how attentive Cole is with Christopher, never leaving his side. Every time Chris slips or falls my heart stops a beat but Cole is always there to help him get back up.

  As I continue to watch from my beach chair my cell phone notification sounds telling me I have text message. I can’t hold back the laugh at Olivia’s message.

  Hey Boo! Kane is giving me shit because he knows you are taking Chris to the beach today so we’re on our way. We’ll be there at noon. I’ll bring sandwiches and snacks. Just text me back with where you parked (your car and your ass). Smooches!

  Cleaning up our lunch mess, Olivia mentions to Christopher and Kane the sand castle contest about a half a mile down the beach and they are all about checking it out. They don’t even wait for her, they take off running. The site of her chasing after them holding onto her chest so her boobs don’t fall out of her bikini top is quite hilarious.

  “So, have you ever surfed?” Cole asks now that it’s just the two of us left here awkwardly alone.

  “A couple of times, yes, with my brother,” I admit.

  “Want to take off, hit a swell?”

  I would love to get back out there. Wyatt and his friends took good care of me in the ocean. They taught me well. I was pretty good on a board, for a grommet. That’s what Wyatt and his friends called me. It means a young surfer, or rookie. I never told anyone I knew how to surf, not even Dominic. After Wyatt passed away I never touched a surf board again. Cole can see the hesitation on my face.

  “Your face is very readable, Abby. I can see you want to but I can also see the fear. I won’t let anything happen to you, but if you are truly too nervous I understand. I won’t push you.”

  “Okay. Just one set,” I say with a nervous grin.

  Just as we are about to head up I turn when I hear someone shouting Cole’s name. I see Nate scuttling towards us with his board under his arm.

  “Hey bro, just in time. I need your board.”

  “Dude, I just got out of work and you already want to take my waves? I just got here,” Nate whines.

  “Just for a minute, cry baby. Have a seat and be a beach bum for a minute,” Cole cracks.

  Cole hands me his board and takes Nate’s board under his arm. Nate appears as if he’s about to get whiplash looking back and forth to figure out why the hell I’m about to go out on a board. Each step closer in to the water I am getting more and more nervous. I can feel my arms and legs trembling. Can everyone hear my heart hammering through my chest? I know I can hear it.

  If my face is as readable as he claims it to be then, he can see how incredibly nervous I am at this moment.

  Cole stops in his tracks, gently grabs my one free hand, gives it a light squeeze and tells me, “Don’t worry. I got you.” I’m not sure why, but I believe him.

  We paddle out side by side, line up waiting for the ideal wave to ride. My anxiety slowly grows as I contemplate if I can still pop up on a board. Will I be able to hold my own and stand up, or will I wipe out immediately?

  Within three minutes of waiting Cole asks me if I’m ready and turns to point out the wave coming in. I turn my head to get a look at what is coming my way. Looking back at Cole I tell him, “No, but I’m already out here so …”

  I feel as if I’m about to cry. I don’t want to do this but a part of me feels like I need to. I know Wyatt has been watching me from above for so long, yelling at me to stop being afraid. I’m sure he’s been screaming at me for keeping Christopher from surfing like his uncle.

  I do what I know needs to be done. I take a deep breath and I start paddling. Once I feel the wave start to carry me forward I pop up. I immediately start to wobble which I expected since I haven’t done this in years. Trying not to fall and control the board is challenging. Even with my arms outreached to my sides to find my balance I still find myself swaying like a column in an earthquake. Just when I think I have found my stability my right foot slips out from underneath me, my left foot immediately follows. The next thing I see is the sky above me as I go flying in the air and then crashing down into the water. The force of the wipe out has the water feeling like splinters to my skin. I swear I feel something graze against my leg and I panic in fear of a shark. Before I know it I feel an arm around my waist pulling me up. Breaking through the water and catching my breath, I wipe the water from my face and see Cole by my side.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” I respond still trying to catch my breath.

  “I told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you,” he says with a smile.

  “I could have swam back up on my own but thank you,” I retort.

  “Just keeping my word.”

  When Olivia and the boys come back from watching the sand castle contest they show me a flyer someone gave them for a carnival happening tonight on the pier. Cole mentions he hasn’t been to a carnival in years. That’s all it takes to get the boys even more riled up begging to go. Before I have a chance to voice my own opinion everyone has already decided we are all going as a group and meeting up at six o’clock tonight.

  “You deserve to have a little fun, and who can say no to fried dough?” Olivia whispers to me.

  I’m a widow. I’m in mourning. It’s been almost nine months It’s still too soon. I’m not allowed to have fun. Am I?

  I’m thankful Olivia agreed to pick Chris and I up and drive. Trying to find a parking spot right now seems impossible and is getting increasingly frustrating. Did everyone in the state of Florida get a flyer about this carnival? There are so many people out tonight. Nate texted Olivia a couple of minutes ago they just arrived and found a parking spot about a quarter mile past the carnival entrance so we try there next. They were right. We spotted Nate’s blue Ford Raptor truck in the corner and Olivia finds the nearest open spot next to it.

  Walking toward the carnival was a thrill in itself for the boys, and one that grew with each step. The night was growing cooler but dry, perfect for a night out. Sounds were pouring in as we got closer. The multi-colored lights from the ferris wheel could be seen from afar and lit up the sky beautifully.

  We are barely ten feet from the entrance and Christopher and Kane are already saying they are hungry and want to eat first. I mention to Olivia that she might want to text Nate that he and Cole can meet us at the nearest fried dough stand because we have some hungry boys with us. To be honest, the intoxicating smells from the pizza, fried Oreos, and every other food stand has me salivating. I could definitely eat right now.

  Olivia nudges me in the arm letting me know Nate texted her back. He and Cole found the fried dough stand and got in line for us because it is long.

  “Nate said find a table for us to sit at an
d they will bring food and drinks,” Olivia tells me.

  I can’t help but laugh when I see Cole and Nate struggling to carry multiple plates of fried dough and beverages. Olivia and I rush over to help them when we see them approaching before they drop everything.

  “Thanks, how much do I owe you?” I ask Cole.

  “Nothing, it’s on me tonight.”

  “Oh. No, really, you don’t have to do that. I brought cash,” I explain, feeling awkward now.

  “Relax, Abby. It’s no big deal. Sit and enjoy the fried dough,” Cole says with a chuckle.

  There’s something about fried dough that brings alive the nostalgia of going to a carnival and longing for a day where eating fat filled food was okay just because it tasted good. The vision of tearing off a hot piece, tasting its sweetness and licking the powdered sugar and cinnamon from sticky fingers is pure joy.

  The six of us sitting at a picnic table together eating, laughing, sipping our drinks carefully with our sticky fingers is quite a sight. Getting lost in the moment I pause for a second when I see everyone staring at me and laughing. Confused I look around to see if maybe someone is standing behind me but no one is there.

  “Come here, you have powdered sugar on your nose” Cole says sitting next to me, wiping it from my nose chuckling at my embarrassment.

  Oh my God.

  It’s just then that I realize how close in proximity Cole and I are sitting so I jump from my seat shouting to Chris and Kane, “Let’s go on some rides!”

  Olivia runs to my side pulling on my arm, whispering, “Holy fuck, did you see the way he looked at you?”

  Inside I’m shouting YES but I can’t deal with those thoughts right now. I’m in panic mode so I’m burying it deep inside and I play it off.

  “You’re seeing things,” I tell her with a nervous laugh and run off to catch with up Christopher and Kane who are already in line for the Scrambler.