by Taryn Steele
It’s not until now, until today that I realized I was asking the wrong person the wrong question. I never once stood in front of my father and asked why are you so violent, why are you so angry, what did she do wrong, what did I do wrong, what did Nate do wrong to make you so mad?
The smell of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey still makes me sick to my stomach. He took that bottle with my him everywhere, even to the bathroom in fear we would dump it out.
As I grew older and read up on alcoholism and violence I learned of the three c’s.
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.
It’s been three days since I’ve seen, let alone heard from Cole. I’m not putting any blame on him. I’m an adult. I could just as easily call him or text him myself. I’m not going to though. I’m a fucking chicken. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m not proud of it either. I’m just stating the sad truth.
Today is just like any other day, just a repeat of the last few days. I’m up. I’m showered. I’m dressed. Christopher is up and dressed, and out the back door we go to Mrs. Humphrey’s. Just as I close the back door I heard another door close immediately after. I peer across the yard to see if it’s Mrs. H but I don’t see her. Seconds later I hear another sound like a door closing. I turn my head toward the sound and see Nate’s truck in front of Mrs. H’s house. Chris’s eyes light up when he see’s them.
“Cole! What are you doing here?” Christopher asks running towards him.
“Hey buddy! We have some more tree work to finish up for Mrs. Humphrey. I’ll see you Saturday at the surf competition, right?” Cole asks with a quick glance my way as if he’s asking me the same question.
I give a nervous smile Cole’s way because I honestly have no fucking clue what is going on between us.
Nate emerges from his truck finally giving the loudest good morning I’ve ever heard. He probably woke up a few people in the neighborhood. If I’m being honest I think it helped break this awkwardness with me and Cole.
I attempt to make my way closer and closer to Mrs. Humphrey’s door because I’d rather avoid a potential bad situation than see what could happen. That’s what I do. I avoid shit, then I bitch about it later. I’m so fucked up.
As if an episode of COPS was playing in his head saying “we got a runner,” Cole makes his way in front of me so there is no way to avoid him and hiding in Mrs. H’s house.
“Abby, are you mad at me for kissing you? I’m sorry. I … I was so nervous …”
I’m stuck in place. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I scared into place. I start trembling like a teenage boy pinning his first corsage. I hear Christopher shout my name snapping me out of my temporary crazed state of mind. Mrs. Humphrey emerges from her house to greet Nate and Cole. I mutter an idiotic joke to Nate and Cole about being careful and not ruining the vegetable garden or Mrs. H will spray them with her house and I dart for my car.
I’m such a chicken shit.
Three nights of shitty sleep are catching up with me. My back is killing me from tossing and turning on a crappy mattress. I wonder if Nate would let me borrow his truck to get a new one? I’m trying to hold a conversation with sweet old nurse Alice about her famous blueberry muffin recipe while leaning over her counter space to stretch. My body feels as old as Alice looks, and I mean that with the utmost respect her. I swear.
Moments in to our mouth watering conversation I feel something quickly graze my butt. I jump up from the startlement and find Dr. Pierce making his way around the nurse’s desk.
What in the actual fuck? Did he seriously just touch my ass?
“John! John! Dr. Pierce!” I shout until he acknowledges me.
“Yes, Nurse Jenkins, Abby. I hear you,” he replies sharply.
“If you ever touch me inappropriately again I will have your balls served on a platter for dinner.”
“Abby, I have no idea what you are talking about. How about we discuss over dinner tonight, on a date?”
I scoff at his denial. I would love nothing more than to punch his square in the jaw at this very moment, or even better, kick him in the balls.
“You know exactly what I am talking about. I was stretching my back out and you touched my ass. You can deny it all you want but you also know if I want to pull up the surveillance footage I can so how about you agree to never touch me or ask me out again, because it will never happen.”
“Alright, I get it,” he says lucidly and walks away.
“By the way, everyone calls you Dr. D-bag!” I shout for everyone to hear. I cannot contain my laughter when I watch him speed up his walking pace to a swift jog down the hall towards the doctors lounge.
I turn around and see Nurse Alice staring at me, mouth agape in complete astonishment.
“That was the best thing I’ve seen happen here ever,” she tells me and it makes me chuckle.
I hang out with Alice a bit longer than I should but my adrenaline is still on high from that encounter. Just as I’m about to tell Alice I’m going to make my rounds my cell phone in my pants pocket starts ringing. I look at the screen and see the number is local and familiar so I answer it. It’s the school. Christopher walked out of class after the morning announcements. They can’t find him.
Panic is ripping through me. I feel as if I’m holding my breath under water. I rise to the surface for more air but my lungs won’t expand, and I continue to struggle to breath. I hold on to Alice’s desk top for support. She jumps from her chair and holds my hand. I whisper to her what is going on while the school principal continues to talk to me. I tell her I need to leave immediately and ask her to page Olivia and tell her what is going on. I run to the locker room, grab my purse and keys and run as fast as humanly possibly to the parking garage, skipping all elevators and running the stair case.
I make it home in record time, speeding in to my driveway, jumping out shouting Christopher’s name as I run inside. Searching room to room, still shouting, and nothing. I run out the back yard shouting. Nate and Cole are still at Mrs. Humphrey’s and see me in complete distress and come running toward me. I tell them through tears and shortened breaths about the call from school. Mrs. H emerges from her home with worry all over her face. She can see something terrible has happened. She immediately hugs me attempting to comfort me in any way possible.
I can’t stop crying.
I can’t stop shaking.
I feel as if there is a mini earthquake inside my body. I try to think of all of the places that Christopher could be right now. Where the hell is he?
Mrs. H, Cole and Nate are all talking at the same time, asking me question after question. I can’t comprehend any of it. It’s making my head hurt more than I thought was possible right now.
“Stop! Just stop talking!” I yell at them. “I need to leave. I have to go find him. Mrs. H please call me immediately if he comes back.”
“No, Abby. There is no way I’m letting you drive. You’re too upset. You tell me where to go and I will drive,” Cole demands. There’s no time to argue so I agree. Nate chimes in that he will also drive around and look for him as well.
Forty minutes have gone by. I’ve tried all of Christopher’s favorite places. We’ve been to the video store, the ice cream shop, the bicycle park, the community pool, and the arcade plaza.
“Abby, where you do you go when you need time alone, time to think? Maybe Chris went to your favorite place instead of his own?” Cole asks.
“Home. My favorite place is my home,” I tell him. “Wait, Cole. Where’s your favorite place? Have you ever mentioned it in an article he might have read?
“Oh my God! The beach. He’s at the beach.” Cole states.
Just as quickly as the idea comes to mind he steps on the gas pedal. My heart thumps louder in my chest. I attempt to sit up straighter from nervous energy but the seatbelt keeps attempting to hold me back. I get annoyed with it so I unbuckle myself. I hug my knees thinking it might help prevent them from
bouncing so much with the strong feeling of unease that has taken over my body.
Thanks to the mostly cloudy day, and the typical work day the beach that we frequent doesn’t have many beach goers out at the moment. We don’t have trouble parking up to the gate and I don’t have to worry about stepping on as many people as I run in the sand. Not that I would because my fucking son is missing but its just the way my mind works some times.
Cole and I run and shout for Christopher up and down the beach looking in every direction. I find myself even more infuriated that I don’t see any of the lifeguard stations open to help in the search. A few minutes in to our search I see a boy on a surfboard in the water. I shout Christopher ’s name and starting running toward him. Cole is a few yards in the opposite direction so I’m not sure if he sees or hears me but I have to get to my son. As soon as I shout Christopher’s name again I watch as an enormous wave takes him out and knocks him off the surfboard. I scream in fear.
Seconds later Cole is running past me yelling at me to stay on the shore. I find myself in the past from hell when I see the fin of a shark a few yards behind the surfboard Christopher was tossed from. I fall to my knees in complete hysterics.
What feels like hours was only minutes when I see Cole emerge from the ocean with Christopher in his arms and I no longer see the shark in sight. I run in to the water to take Chris from him but Cole tells me he needs me to call an ambulance because Chris is unconscious. With shaky hands I pull my phone from my pants pocket and dial nine-one-one.
I cry nervously speaking to the dispatcher and watching Cole perform mouth to mouth on Chris. I’ve lost all control of my breathing and I’m trying to keep my shit together.
As if God can hear my prayers, Christopher’s eyes open slightly and he begins coughing and spitting out water. Cole immediately rolls him onto his side and rubs his back. I fall to my knees and hold on to my son thanking God for saving him.
A few hours later I find myself still with shaky hands filling out paperwork for Chris at the nurses station with sweet Alice. After a bit more observation we should be able to go home. Once I sign the last of the papers and hand them off to Alice I turn to get back to Chris and see Cole standing nearby watching.
“Cole, did you see the shark when you jumped in the water?”
“Yes,” he answers simply.
“And you jumped in anyway?”
“Yes.”
I stare blankly at him in awe of his bravery and don’t know how I could ever repay a person for such an act of valor.
Olivia emerges from Christopher’s room interrupting before I can even think of anything to say in response to Cole’s admittance.
“Abby, Chris is asking for you,” Olivia advises.
I rudely forget to excuse myself for the moment to Cole. All I heard was my baby boy wants his momma and I am on the move. When I get a few steps in to his room I find him curled up in the fetal position facing the door. His face is still a bit pale but it’s his expression I can’t read.
“Hey buddy, feeling a little bit better than the last hour?” I cautiously ask.
“Yeah, I guess, a little bit,” he tells me while attempting to adjust himself into an upright position.
“Chris, why did you leave school today?”
He turns his head to avoid eye contact, briefly stares out the window and a pout comes across his tiny face.
“I got upset. They said we had an early Father’s Day project before school is over, and we’re supposed to bring our dad to school.”
Oh fuck!
I tell Chris to push over a bit in the bed and I cuddle up next to him. I need a minute to think about what to say to him about this school incident. Maybe I will just keep him home from school that day and take him to the amusement park or something.
Olivia comes back into the room letting me know she called the school but they still need me to call, of which I understand, but they can wait. They let my kid leave school grounds and he almost died in the ocean. They can fucking wait.
Alice is not far behind Olivia with snacks and games for Chris. I step out of the bed to give Alice and Chris some space to snack and play games. Olivia tells me she over heard what Chris said about school, and asks me what I plan to do. I tell her I don’t have a fucking clue, because I truly don’t.
“I’ll step in. I’ll go to school with him that day.”
I turn toward the voice. Standing in the door way is Cole. My mouth drops at his offering. Olivia grabs my hand and squeezes it.
“I would never claim to be his father, of course. I just thought maybe I have a lot to entertain the kids with about surfing and climbing trees,” Cole explains.
“Cole, you don’t have to do that. I’ll talk to the school. He can play hooky that day.”
“It’s okay. I want to help.”
“Excuse me,” Nurse Alice interjects. “How old fashioned is this school? What about kids with two moms? Why can’t they just have family day?”
Everyone starts clambering back and forth with suggestions, opinions, and then some. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I can feel my eyes starting to fill up with tears. Olivia can see the wheels spinning in my head and the disturbance written all over my face. She asks me if I’m okay. I tell her I need some air and to stay with Chris. I push past Cole and make a beeline for the exit almost knocking Nate over in my passing. I hear him calling my name but I keep walking. I can hear his clunky work boots following behind me.
There’s a homeless guy sitting on the only bench outside the emergency room doors so I keep walking a few more feet for an unobstructed curb to cop-a-squat on. Just as I expected less than a minute later Nate is sitting down next to me.
“There are some things you need to know, Abby,” Nate tells me.
For the twenty minute or so Nate fills in ever missing piece to the puzzle that is Colson Baker. The texts and calls that seemed to put him in a tailspin were always from his mother, Leah. It seems their mother has been victim of their father’s verbal and physical abuse for years. While their father is not dead, emotionally he is to them. The late night call right after Cole kissed me was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Leah. She had finally had enough after an awful blow to the face. That’s when she called Cole and Nate to her home. The next couple of days Cole went with her to the police department to file a report and to the family doctor to get checked out for her painful black eye. That’s why I didn’t hear from him.
I feel like such a fool.
Nate goes on to tell me how heartbroken Cole was when he read Christopher’s letter about his father passing. Cole mentioned that he had only wished he had read it sooner. Whether Cole had the surf tournament to judge or not he was flying here for Chris to help in any way he could.
“Falling for you was just a bonus for Cole,” Nate confesses.
“Nate, he jumped in that water to save Chris even though he saw a shark. He made me stay on shore. He risked his life.”
Nate nods and went on to explain that it sounds like something Cole would do, especially when it’s for something he cares about deeply.
“I’m only assuming here, Abby, but I think you have a slight interest in Cole. He’s just as scared as you are. Yes, Olivia tells me stuff, but I can see you both want to try. He hasn’t smiled in a long time, until he met you and Chris. He would never try to replace Dominic as a father. Time wasn’t on your side the first time for either of you. Don’t be afraid to give love a second chance. It might surprise you.”
I stare blankly at Nate, soaking in all his words, his theories, his feelings. He knows Cole better than anyone. I have to take what he says to heart.
“Cole told me about his “no more what ifs” theory a while back. He’s right, Abby. Life is too short,” Nate adds.
I was still speechless with nothing to add to the conversation. In a way Nurse Alice’s interruption saved me from any possible confessions notifying me that Chris will be discharged within the hour and he’s asking for me.
> Nate stands up and reaches out his hand to help me up. I give him an honest and warm smile, then I reach out for a hug. I could use one right about now and I am so glad he obliges.
I close Christopher’s door so we can cuddle and have some quiet time alone. I climb in to bed with him and we find How To Train Your Dragon on the television already playing, one of our all time favorite animated movies. We sit mostly in silence with him curled up in my arms. From time to time I sneak in a question about him leaving school, dad stuff and the future.
As time ticks by and the movie comes to an end I decide to ask the one question I’ve been dreading to ask Chris, and I want to do it before Alice comes in with the discharge papers, and before I chicken out.
“Hey Chris, how would you feel about me dating?” I ask with complete terror in my voice.
“Would it be with Cole? That would be so cool. I think he likes you anyway. Do you like him Mom?”
What the hell? How did he figure that out? My little boy is growing up too fast.
“Umm, I don’t know kiddo. Maybe.”
“Dad likes him,” Chris tells me.
“What?”
“Yeah, he told me in my dream the other night. He said Cole was a good guy and would take care of us. Dad said Cole would make you smile again.”
Oh My God!
You get in life what you have the courage to ask for. I asked God for a prayer to help me save Christopher’s life and he answered.