“Luca…” I rubbed my forehead in frustration. “I told you I do, but I’m not ready…”
“Ready for what, Jayme?” he snapped, irritation weaving over his features. “You live with me. We are happy, right?”
“Yes.” I sighed, trying not to flee the room like I wanted.
After Sammie left, I’d acquired a new roommate who was a horrible slob and rude about it. Luca wanted me to move in right away, but I fought it for a while, until my roommate’s dirty underwear on the floor and moldy cereal bowls full of old milk pushed me too far. Luca moved me into his place, where I finally admitted we were together.
He was free with his declarations of love and did not shy away from PDAs. We had a lot of fun and the sex was great, but I knew deep down the love I felt for him wasn’t at the level he felt for me. I no longer believed I was capable of that kind of love.
“Marry me.” He went up on his knees, letting the sheet drop, his hands grabbing my hips.
“Luca, you’re nuts.” I shook my head. “I’m nineteen. I’m not marrying anyone now. If ever.”
“Then marry me for the visa.” He nuzzled my neck. “I can’t imagine not waking next to you every day, bellissimo. Sono dipendente dei tuoi baci.” I’m addicted to your kisses.
“You knew this was going to end.” I pulled back from him, walking to the dresser and tugging on fresh underpants. I had been struggling badly with the idea of leaving. This felt like my home. I loved my life here, and most importantly I loved who I had become. Confident. Happy. Content.
Almost every day I would walk the bridge, taking in the stunning medieval city, the cradle of the Renaissance that had captured my heart, making me feel alive with its colorful red domed cathedrals and spires. Whenever I passed the section of the bridge where I had shredded the last of my old self six months ago and had walked away a different person, I treated it like an old war memorial. The past shaped who I had become today, so I couldn’t regret it. Technically, I was still young, but the years I lived already could challenge those twice my age. I no longer felt like an unsure child, but a woman ready to take on the world. My future lay before me.
Now Luca’s words tore me in half. I loved him, but I was no fool. If I loved him with every ounce of my heart, his offer would have me bubbling with joy. Hell, I was looking for a reason to stay.
“Don’t make this harder.” I shoved my feet into my sandals, strolling to the small kitchen. “It’s our last night, Luca. Let’s just enjoy the time we have.”
“How can I?” He slipped on a pair of shorts, trailing after me in anger. “I say I love you. I want to marry you, and I get nothing.” He tapped at his chest, anguish creasing his face. “I could not pretend. If you do not love me, tell me. End this now. Smettila di torturarmi.” Stop torturing me.
The pain I was causing him felt like a punch to my gut. I shut my eyes against the contradicting struggle fighting in my chest. In the beginning, he was happy to have a casual relationship with me, without labels, but that changed before I even moved in. I should have stopped it then, but I loved being with him, loved the time we spent together. He was smart, sexy, and totally devoted to me. Why couldn’t the love I did feel be enough? It would be so easy. He was perfect. We’d have a great life together. But as happy as I was, part of me was beyond broken, and I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t. He deserved better than that. Than me.
“Mi dispiace,” I whispered. I’m sorry.
His chin jerked up, his nose flaring. “You did warn me. I did not hear you.”
“Luca, you know I care about you so much. The last nine months have been amazing.”
“Care is not love, bellezza.”
“Luca, I do love you.” My hands wrung together.
“But not enough.” He exhaled, putting his hands on his hips, staring at the floor, the silence growing between us painfully. Finally he took in a breath, his voice cooler. “I will not be here when you get home. I will be at my parents’ casa.” He shook his head, sorrow dropping his shoulders.
“Luca,” I whispered his name, feeling my heart squeeze. “That’s not what I want. I want to spend my last night with you.” I reached out for him.
“No, amore.” Pain etched in his eyes as his fingers brushed over my lips. “My heart has to say goodbye now.” He stepped in closer. “Mi sono innamorato di te.” I fell in love with you. “Now I have to fall out.” His lips softly met mine. I could feel the goodbye in his kiss, all the grief and love pouring into me. Tears clogged my throat; this was the last time I would feel his lips on mine. He had brought so much joy and life into my world, and I hated myself for hurting him. This final, excruciating goodbye sat on my shoulders alone. “Goodbye, bellezza. Buon viaggio.” He kissed my nose, then whirled around, marching back to the bedroom. I heard the sound of the door shutting.
Tears welled in my eyes, his absence echoing in the small flat. My heart ached, tempted to run after him, tell him I made a mistake, agree to stay with him. I knew he was the closest to happiness I would ever get.
My gaze now drifted over the place we shared for months, pictures of us scattered over the shelves and walls. I walked slowly to the one taken on my birthday. We looked so happy. A laugh glowed on my face as he nuzzled my ear, holding a sparkler for me to blow out. It was the night he told me he loved me the first time.
“Buon compleanno,” his group of friends and their girlfriends sang out to me. They had welcomed me with open arms. The language sometimes made me feel like an outsider, but they were all nice. Three other couples took up most of the booth table, cheering and holding up wine and champagne glasses in my honor.
My mouth had dropped in shock. My birthday was in a few days, we had just gotten off work, Luca saying he wanted to pop into the restaurant his friend owned to grab a bottle of wine to take home.
“Surprise, bellezza,” Luca whispered in my ear.
Luca’s best friend, Stefano, the owner of the restaurant, kissed both my cheeks, handing me a glass of champagne.
“Grazie.” I put my hand on my chest, truly taken aback by the surprise.
That night we danced, drank, made out everywhere, and had fun. It was the first night I let myself let go. Let Luca slip into my heart.
“Did you have a good night?” He wrapped his arms around me as we walked down the cobble streets back to my dorm, the night quiet, the city fast asleep, the chill of the night burning my nose and cheeks.
“I did. Thank you, Luca.” I snuggled into his tall frame, his long wool coat rubbing my cheek.
We walked for a bit more in silence. As we reached the Duomo he halted us, turning me into him. The icy temperatures billowed condensation from his mouth.
“Move in with me.”
“What?” I snapped out of my drunken haze.
“You hate living there. Your roommate. Terrible.”
“Yes, but…”
“No buts, bellezza.” He shook his head, grabbing my coat and pulling me in closer. “You are almost living with me anyway.”
“Luca…” I tried to think of a reason to refuse. “It’s a little soon.”
“Soon?” He grinned. “We’ve been seeing each other since October.”
“I—”
“I’m in love with you, bellezza.”
A sharp breath sawed down my throat into my lungs. “Wh-what?”
“Ti amo.” His dark eyes sparkled under the lights of the cathedral, his hands cupping my face. “Entra con me.” Move in with me.
“You are crazy.” I shook my head in his hands. “You don’t mean that. It’s way too soon, Luca.”
“Some might say.” He shrugged. “But I know what I want. The moment I met you, it’s been you. You are the most important thing to me. I want to be wherever you are.”
Most important thing to me. The sentiment punched me right in the heart. I was his priority. First on his list. It was the very thing I wanted to hear. To feel.
A deep sorrow burned my throat, reminding me I would never be that to
the person I wanted to be. I shoved the thoughts of him away. Luca was my present… possibly my future. Hunter would never be mine. He was my past.
“Si?” He lifted my chin, searching my gaze, his eyes full of emotion. I let myself get lost in the feel of Luca’s love, the epic backdrop of the stunning Duomo lit up behind us. “Bellezza?”
My head slowly dipped up and down. “Si.”
“Veramente?” Really?
“Yes.” I grinned as his mouth crashed down on mine, the warmth and feel of his kiss wrapping around me like a blanket.
“You made me so happy.” He tucked me firmer against his chest, his lips brushing my forehead. “Happy birthday, Jayme.”
Now the memories from each picture, of all the beautiful moments he brought to my life, overwhelmed me. Laughter. Love. Always making me feel wanted. Adored. Never once did I feel in second place.
Yet, it wasn’t enough to hold me here.
With a body that seemed to weigh twice as much now, I left our flat, dragging myself out into the city. Tourists and locals filled the streets. The man who owned the gelato stand I visited frequently waved at me. The yeasty scent of warm rolls and the delicious tang of coffee curled out from the caffe Luca and I visited almost every morning before heading to the Gallery.
Tears stabbed at the back of my lids as I made my way to the Accademia Gallery, which had been my second home for the last nine months. I had been in Florence for almost a year, taking day trips to places outside of Florence, traveling to different cities on weekends, and even exploring different countries.
This time away had changed me so much, and I felt lucky for the experience. I knew I wasn’t done with Europe. I’d be back, but I was also excited for the next chapter of my life and where my studies would take me.
The tears still trailed down my face as I wandered through what had become a home, soaking in the last tiny bits I could. The way my heart wanted to open up and drink in every nuance of Florence, I realized I was still capable of love.
I had fallen in love with this city.
Chapter Twelve
After retrieving my luggage from the airline carousel and getting through customs, I finally wheeled my bag toward the last doors. I was officially back in the States.
A frothy excitement at seeing my family tamped down the weighty jet leg and residue of my hangover. I didn’t sleep a wink on the way home, full of sudden doubt at the way I left things with Luca. I missed him and wondered if I made a mistake. After I packed up, I texted him, telling him I wanted to see him again before I left, but I received no response. Colleen snatched the opportunity to spend the last night with me, and we got pretty drunk.
When I reached the automatic doors, I sucked in my nervous excitement, ready to hold my family in the tightest hug. I took five steps out and stopped. A huge sign in neon pink danced at the railing.
“Welcome Home From Rehab, Jayme!
Porn IS A Real Addiction.”
I burst out laughing, my hand going to my mouth as I bent over with humor, knowing only one person who would do that.
“Jay-Jay!” My sister’s voice jerked my head to the little girl with milk chocolate eyes and a huge smile lighting up her entire face. I swooped her up, her legs and arms wrapping around me like a monkey. “I’ve missed you so much!”
“I’ve missed you to the moon and back, Squirt.” I crushed her to me. She had grown tall even since Christmas.
“Well, I’ve missed you to infinity and beyond.” She wrapped around me tighter.
“Jayme.” Mom and Dad moved in, hugging me around Reece, tears already running down Mom’s face.
“So good to see you, Jay-Jay.” Dad kissed my head, pulling me into his arms. It had been five months since they headed home from their visit to Italy. That was a long time for our little family. After another hug and kiss from my mom, I set down Reece, wiggling through my parents to see the girl with blonde-and-teal-striped hair behind them holding the bright sign.
“Now, I promised your mom I’d keep you porn-free for at least six days.” She tucked some hair behind her ear, looking bored. “The things I do for you, Whiskey.”
“Please.” I rolled my eyes. “You couldn’t even do it for six hours.”
“Try six minutes.” A slow smile turned up her face. A grin broke over my mine, and we ran for each other, colliding in a heap of arms and cries of joy. We had texted and Facetimed, but I hadn’t seen her for a year, and I didn’t realize how badly I missed her until she was in front of me. We held on to each other, half laughing and half crying. A piece of my heart snapped back into place.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you, Whiskey,” she whispered in my ear. “You just…” She trailed off, but I didn’t need her to finish, I understood. If friends could be soul mates, she was mine. As different as we were, we got each other like no one else did.
“Thanks to Stevie, we had a very awkward car ride.” Mom stepped behind me, glaring humorously at Stevie.
“Why?”
“Try figuring out how to dodge explaining to a six-year-old what porn is.” Mom shook her head at the sign Stevie held. Funny, Stevie seemed to be the only one who could do stuff like that and my mom would just laugh. Dad found her antics a little much but seemed to like her otherwise.
“Grandma Penny, Grandma Nessa, and Grandpa T are waiting at home. I know they are all anxious to see you.” Mom kissed my cheek again, taking Reece’s hand. Dad grabbed my luggage as our group headed to our Subaru. Reece sat between Stevie and me, holding both our hands, rambling on and on about school and life in her six-year-old world, excited about going to first grade in the fall. Mom caught me up on things, but really nothing much in this town had happened. The familiar streets felt so strange. It was almost as though I’d never left, but at the same time, like I didn’t belong. The girl who boarded the plane almost a year ago was vastly different from the girl who had returned. The town felt small. As much as I loved my parents, this was not my home. I didn’t know where it was yet, but my future was no longer here. Traveling around the EU opened my eyes, and I never wanted go back to being the same person I was when I left.
“Look! Look!” Reece ran to our new pool, jumping up and down. “Come swimming with me Jay-Jay!” It was a kidney shape, taking up a lot of our small backyard, but it brought pure happiness to Reece. Grandma Nessa looked very pleased with herself.
“Maybe tomorrow, Squirt.” I rubbed her head, she had grown at least two inches while I was gone.
Grandpa T grilled hamburgers and Grandma Nessa set the outside table like we had guests coming over, though it was just me, jet lagged and in desperate need of a shower. Grandma Penny lay on a deck chair under a floppy hat, clutching a glass of lemonade with her leg in a cast propped on a pillow. It was good to see her.
“Even since Christmas, you look different.” Grandma Penny brushed my hair away from my face, taking me in.
“Really?”
“Yeah, more grown up. Sure of yourself. A woman.” She winked at me. “Did we fall in love with a sexy Italian? Please say yes.”
“He was certainly Italian.”
“That’s my girl.” She patted my hand, but her lids narrowed, studying me. “Don’t be afraid to love, Jayme. Take an old lady’s advice: It’s the only thing worth anything in the end.”
I jerked my gaze away, feeling like she saw through my response like water. I loved Luca, so why didn’t I just say so?
It was a lovely dinner, everyone laughing and joking as I shared my latest stories, but I’d forgotten about the southern heat and the humidity gluing my clothes to my skin, beads of sweat trickling down my back.
Dad lifted his beer. “To Jaymerson being home. We are glad to have you back.” Everyone followed suit. “And we are so proud of you. I don’t need to tell you I didn’t think there was a career in art, and not only did you prove me wrong, but you excelled in it.” My father changed his tune when Colleen sent a recommendation letter to the art program at the Smithsonian. He got their magazi
nes monthly, and I think that was what finally made him take me seriously.
“To Jaymerson,” everyone yelled, cheering me, glasses clinking. I looked around and realized how lucky I was. In that moment I was glad to be home.
“Does it feel weird to be back?” Stevie stretched out on my bed, picking at the beads on a decorative pillow.
“Yeah. It does. Surreal,” I finished, transferring all my clothes from my luggage to the laundry, not caring what was actually clean or dirty.
“That’s how I feel every time I step back into this town.” She went up on her elbows. “So, tell me all about how you left things with the Italian stud.”
My eyes darted to my open door, which I strolled over and shut. Reece was in bed, and my grandparents had left, but my parents were still up. They didn’t know I had lived with Luca. They thought I moved in with a fellow associate at the museum. They never even considered it wasn’t a girl, and I didn’t sway them to believe differently.
“You’re nineteen, girl.” Stevie laughed, sitting up.
“I know, but you know my dad. He’d rather not deal with it, especially because it’s over and I can’t change anything.”
“Is it over?” She lifted an eyebrow. Stevie was the only one who got the full truth of the situation. Colleen was so happy in her relationship that she couldn’t seem to understand my doubts. All she saw, like everyone else, was that he was perfect and loved me, and we seemed happy and perfectly suited for each other.
“I don’t know.” I rubbed my head, still doubting my feelings. After a while when everyone is telling you you’re an idiot, including yourself, you start to think you might be. “He asked me to marry him.”
“WHAT. THE. HELL?” Stevie shrieked, bouncing up on her knees.
“Shhhhh.” I put my finger to my lips, nervously watching my door.
“Oh. My. God.” She moved closer to me. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“Funny, that was exactly what I asked him.” I snorted, shoving my suitcase in my closet.
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