Strike Out

by Cheryl Douglas

  “Really? You hated your parents too?” Tyler scowled as he looked sideways at Zach.

  Tyler obviously wasn’t ready to make nice, and Zach couldn’t say he blamed the kid. His life had just been turned upside down, and he’d need time to make peace with the parents who he believed betrayed him. Zach decided honesty was the best policy. He knew Tyler wouldn’t appreciate it if he tried to blow smoke. “Sometimes I did. I guess every kid hates their parents from time to time, right?”

  “Yeah, but every kid doesn’t have an old man who didn’t want him and a mother who lied to him.”

  Zach was hurt hearing Tyler say he felt unwanted, but he couldn’t blame the poor kid. He probably would have felt the same way. “Your mama loves you. She was just trying to do what she thought was best for you.”

  Tyler rolled his eyes and pulled his worn baseball cap down. “She’s always preachin’ to me about bein’ honest, and it turns out she’s the biggest liar of all.”

  “Sometimes we all make bad choices. She’s not perfect. Neither am I. Neither are you.” He hated to hear Tyler bad-mouthing Rennie, but he would rather Tyler unleash on him than his mother. He knew his son had to get the anger out of his system.

  “At least I’m not a liar.”

  “Really? You’ve never told even a little white lie?”

  “This is a lot more than that.” His voice broke, and he turned his face away, obviously hoping to hide his tears. “She lied to me about who my dad was. I loved Nathan and—”

  “From what I’ve heard, he loved you too. A lot.” It wasn’t easy for Zach to reassure Tyler about Nathan’s feelings, but he had to do it to help his son heal. “Enough to want to raise you as his own son.”

  “Which means he loved me a hell of a lot more than you did,” Tyler spit out.

  Zach knew he should reprimand him for his choice of words, but that wasn’t the moment to act paternal. Zach needed to just be there for Tyler. They had their whole lives to sort out their relationship. “I would have loved you, had I known about you.” It was a vicious circle. He couldn’t accept all of the blame without reinforcing Tyler’s belief that Zach didn’t love or want him. Everything came back to the secret Rennie had kept from them, but Zach was as much to blame for that as she was.

  “That’s easy to say now, isn’t it?”

  Zach was struck by how Tyler looked like a ten-year-old boy with an old soul trapped inside of him. He saw it in his eyes. “I guess it is. Hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that B.S.” At least that earned him a half-smile. “I don’t wanna lie to you about the way things were. I was a selfish, stupid kid who didn’t know a good thing when he had it.” Zach sighed and leaned back against the bench behind them. “I thought my world began and ended with baseball. Turns out I was wrong.”

  “Really?” Tyler asked. “What could be more important than baseball?”

  “You. Your mom.” At the moment, they were the only things that mattered to Zach. If he was told he’d never throw another fastball, he’d survive. If Rennie and his son boarded a plane out of his life, he’d comb every city in the world until he found them.

  “Why should I believe you? You said yourself you didn’t want me then. Why should I believe you want me now?”

  He was a smart kid. The fact that he was astute enough to question Zach proved he was a fighter, and Zach respected that. “You don’t have to believe me. But I’d really appreciate a chance to prove it to you.”

  Tyler remained silent a few minutes. “I have a poster of you hanging on my bedroom wall. My mom wasn’t too keen on me putting it up. I guess now I know why.”

  It couldn’t have been easy for Rennie to have reminders of Zach everywhere, especially in the eyes of the child they shared. “I’m not a hero, Tyler. I’m just a man who plays baseball for a living. I make mistakes like everyone else, but the biggest mistake I ever made was letting your mama leave me.”

  “Why’d you let her?”

  “I looked for her for a while. When the detective I hired couldn’t find her, I realized she really didn’t want to be found, so I decided to let her go.”

  Tyler rubbed his face before propping his elbows on his knees. “Would you have let her go if you knew about me?”

  “No, never.” He took a risk and put a hand on Tyler’s back. “I hope you can believe that.”

  “I don’t know what to believe.”

  Zach appreciated his honesty and respected his strength of character. Having the rug ripped out from under him not once, but twice in the past year and a half wasn’t easy. His son was coping better than most adults would. Zach wanted to believe it was because, deep down, Tyler sensed how much Zach loved him and wanted to be a part of his life. Only time would allow him to prove himself to Rennie and Tyler. “I want to ask you to believe me, but I know you can’t. Yet. I hope a year from now you’ll feel differently.”

  “What do you want?” Tyler asked, fisting his hands. “From me and my mom?”

  “I want us to be a family.” Zach let that sink in. “Do you think you could see that happening?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “That’s fair. You can take all the time you need to get to know me, to figure out how you feel about me. There’s no hurry. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Tyler refused to look at Zach when he said, “My dad was a good man. I loved him.”

  Zach slowly drew in a breath, knowing he had to tread carefully. “Nathan sounds like a great guy. He was there for you and your mom when y’all needed someone, and I’ll be forever indebted to him for that. I’m glad you had someone to take care of you, to show you how to throw a baseball—”

  “You should have been the one to do that!” Tyler shouted. “You were my dad! Nathan was just some guy who loved my mom.”

  Zach leaned in and put his arm around Tyler. When Tyler struggled, Zach’s injured shoulder screamed. “You’re right, I should have been. I’m sorrier than hell that I wasn’t. I can promise you that’ll go down as my biggest regret in life.” When Tyler stopped struggling, Zach let his arm fall away. “But we can’t change what happened. We only have today and tomorrow and every day after that to make things right. Please, let me try to make things right.”

  “Why should I?” Tyler asked, biting his trembling lip.

  “Because I love you.”

  “You don’t even know me.”

  “I don’t have to.” Zach had never understood parents who said they fell in love with their infants the second they laid eyes on them. He understood now. “I know that I love you. I hope in time, you’ll learn to love me too.”

  “I don’t know.” Tyler squeezed his eyes shut.

  “That’s okay,” Zach said quietly. “You don’t have to decide anything right now. Let’s get you home.”

  “I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to see her.”

  Zach figured that pressuring him would be a mistake. “Do you want to come back to my place for a while?”

  “No!”

  “Okay, how ‘bout I take you to your grandparents? I could swing by your place and pick up an overnight bag, get your insulin, and let your mom know the plan. How does that sound?”

  Tyler shrugged. “I guess.”

  Zach knew Rennie wouldn’t be thrilled, but at least she’d know their son was safe. It was better than having him out wandering the streets, mad at the world.

  ***

  Rennie was at the door when Zach pulled in the driveway. Her heart sank when she saw that he was alone. “You couldn’t find him?” She clutched the cordless phone. “Maybe I should call the police.”

  “I found him. He wanted to spend the night at your parents’ place. I just came by to pick up some of his things. I told him I’d drop them off for him.”

  “Oh.” Rennie stepped back so Zach could enter. She should be happy that Zach had found Tyler and he was safe, but she didn’t want him to run to her parents. They needed to sit down and talk it out as a family. That’s what they were, whether they li
ked or not.

  “You just need to give him a little time.” He reached for her hand. “He’ll come around.”

  “What if he doesn’t?” That was her biggest fear. She’d watched TV programs about addiction, and traumatic life experiences often created addicts. Had her desire to protect her son set him up for a lifetime of pain and resentment?

  “He will,” Zach said soothingly. “Come on. Let’s sit down for a bit before we get Tyler’s things together.”

  The way he said that led her to believe they would be packing for more than one night. At least she could call her mother to make sure he was all right, that he’d eaten well and taken his medication. He’d spent the night with his grandparents before, so they knew the protocol, but he’d never left home hating her before. Rennie allowed Zach to lead her into the living room. She felt numb, as if the entire morning, and even the magical night she’d spent with Zach, had been a dream. She and her son had always been close. If they were torn apart, she didn’t know how she would cope. Losing Nathan was bad enough. Losing Tyler was unthinkable.

  “I know you’re worried,” Zach said when she sat on the sofa and folded her chest over her knees. “But I think Tyler is reacting the way any kid would. He’s hurt, confused, and angry. When he’s had time to think about it, he’ll realize you were only doing what you thought you had to in order to protect him. If he’s going to hate anyone, it’ll be me.”

  When Rennie heard the anguish in Zach’s voice, she stole a glance at him. He looked almost as distraught as she was. She’d had Tyler’s unconditional love for the past ten years; Zach had only received his son’s hero worship for a matter of days. Still, she saw it was tearing him up. Reaching for his hand, she leaned back and closed her eyes. “You really think he’ll come around?”

  He mimicked her actions, closing his eyes on a heavy sigh. “I do, and whatever we need to do to help him get through it, we will. But right now, I think he just needs a little time and space to process all this.”

  “You’re probably right.” Tyler was a stubborn, opinionated kid, just like his dad. When he made up his mind, it was difficult to change it. She just hoped he was willing to reserve judgement before convicting her for being the worst mother on the planet. She’d learn to ignore other people’s judgement, but her son’s opinion was one of the few who still mattered. Her son and the man sitting beside her. “Do you think I’m a horrible person?”

  Zach rewarded her with a wry grin. “Would I be here trying to comfort you if I did?”

  “I don’t know. I’m still the mother of your child, after all.”

  “The mother of my child.” Zach smiled as he stared into her eyes. “I love the sound of that.”

  “Do you?” She sucked in a breath when she saw the emotion in his eyes. Despite the way the morning had turned out, Zach seemed genuinely relieved the truth was out. Rennie wished she could say the same. “It’s a big commitment, raising a child.”

  “I’m ready.” He looked at their joined hands. “This is the way it should have been all along. You and me, raising our son. Facing challenges as a team. Maybe with a couple more kids thrown into the mix.” He flashed a quick grin that made her heart flutter. “You belong to me. I belong to you. That’s the way it’s always been, the way it was meant to be.”

  She used to believe that with all her heart, but they were different people. They couldn’t pretend the past ten years hadn’t happened. Her life would have been so different had she stayed with Zach all those years ago, but they may not have survived as a couple or a family if she’d made a different choice. It was all just pointless speculation.

  “You’re not ready to believe that, are you?” he asked.

  “I’m not ready to try to figure out what this means for us. My first priority has to be Tyler and helping him through this.”

  “I know, but you can’t deny how you feel forever, Ren. I see it in your eyes when you look at me. You want the same things I want. You want that family we always talked about, the life I promised you when we were too young and stupid to know we had to hold on with everything we had.”

  She closed her eyes when it became too painful to face the hope and expectation in his eyes. She didn’t want to disappoint him, but she was afraid to give herself over to a fantasy that had nearly destroyed her. “I should help you get Tyler’s things together.” She didn’t want to talk anymore about the past or the future or the son they shared. She just wanted to be alone to sort out her thoughts.

  Zach let her lead him down the hall toward Tyler’s bedroom. He stood in the doorway taking in the baseball paraphernalia cluttering the small room. There was a poster of Zach above the bed, and the signed baseball he’d given him for his birthday sat in a prominent place on the dresser.

  “You really are his hero, you know,” Rennie said, reaching into the closet to retrieve a small overnight bag. She didn’t think she could let him stay away longer than a night or two. “So many times he told me he wanted to be just like you.” She walked to the dresser to retrieve his pajamas. “One night after Nathan died, he was lying in bed reading some sports magazine. He told me he wanted to be a pitcher just like you.” Zach slid his hand into his pocket and swallowed. “He said you were the best.” Her voice broke. “I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt like the worst person, the most horrible mother. I was so ashamed of what I’d done, the choices I’d made.”

  Zach entered the small room, took the bag and pajamas from Rennie’s hands, and set them on the twin bed. “You’re an amazing mom.” He held her. “If anyone’s to blame here, it’s me. For being stupid and selfish. If I hadn’t said those things, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I wouldn’t have lost you, and I wouldn’t have lost out on the opportunity to be a father to that amazing kid.”

  Rennie appreciated his effort to share the blame, but it didn’t ease her guilt. Tyler may be angry at Zach for a while, but eventually Tyler would understand that if Zach was guilty of anything, it was being young and immature. She was guilty of lying to him. It seemed like an unforgivable sin. “I just want my son back.” She sniffled, burying her head in his chest.

  “You haven’t lost him, baby. He’ll be back. You’ll see.”

  “But what if he doesn’t want to come back?” she asked, squeezing her eyes shut. “What if he wants to live with my parents? Maybe he’ll ask to live with you.” Even with only one arm around her, Zach made her feel safe. She couldn’t hide from the truth in the safety of his arms forever. Eventually she had to face the possibility that she’d lost her son… forever.

  “If he wants to live with me, he’s gonna be stuck with you too. I can promise you that.”

  Rennie tipped her head back to see him smiling at her. She knew he was trying to reassure her, to make her feel better. Thinking about a life with Zach still scared her. “Zach, I—”

  “I know,” he said, kissing her forehead. “You don’t wanna talk about this right now. I’m cool with that. Let’s get Tyler’s stuff together.”

  Rennie sensed she’d hurt his feelings, but with her own heart breaking, it was difficult to think about mending his.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Zach sat in the driveway of the Baldwins’ house and looked at the modest structure that had been like a second home to him during his teen years. The people he’d considered his second parents who were supposed to be his in-laws, they were family. His son’s grandparents. He smiled at the thought as he climbed out of the car with Tyler’s overnight bag. Things were working out. No matter how torturous the path getting there had been, the destination was the same.

  Marian met him at the back door, a tentative smile on her face. “I heard your car. Chuck took Tyler to the park. He thought hitting a few balls might help to take his mind off things.”

  Zach bent to kiss Marian’s cheek as he dropped the bag in the foyer. “Probably a good idea. How did he seem to you?” Zach feared he already knew the answer. The boy had tried so hard to put on a brave face when Zach dropped
him off earlier, but the anguish behind his fake smile was painfully obvious.

  “He’ll be okay, honey,” Marian said, patting his forearm. “He just needs a little time to sort all this out. It’s a lot for a child to take in.”

  “That’s what I told Ren.” Zach let Marian take his hand and lead him into the kitchen. “That it’s just gonna take some time. This is killing her though.”

  “I know.” Marian gestured to a chair at the head of the table. “She called me after you left her house. She wanted to know how Tyler was.”

  “What’d you tell her?” Zach hoped Marian had sugar-coated the truth.

  Marian reached for two coffee mugs in the overhead cabinet. “That he’s a kid who’s had his world turned upside down. Right now, he sees this as a safe place, and it will be for as long as he needs it. I don’t want to come between my daughter and grandson, but I won’t send him home until he feels he’s ready.”

  Zach sighed. He feared that’s the stance Marian would have taken. She was a strong-willed woman, much like her daughter, and if the issue wasn’t resolved quickly, they may butt heads over it. It would be up to him and Chuck to try to mediate. “I don’t want Tyler to blame his mother for her choices, Marian. She was doing what she felt she had to in order to protect him. I want that to be the message he receives from all of us.” He didn’t want her fueling their son’s anger by making him believe his anger was justified. That wouldn’t serve any of them.

  Marian set the cups on the table and claimed the chair next to Zach. She narrowed her eyes, observing him carefully. “You’re telling me you don’t harbor any ill-will toward my daughter for keeping your son from you?”

  Zach had expected that question. Marian wasn’t the type to bite her tongue. When something was on her mind, she always faced it head on. He’d admired that about her before. He needed more time to process his feelings, and he wished Rennie’s mother could understand that. “I love your daughter. Always have, always will.” He took a sip of his coffee, awaiting the response he knew would come.