However, as they sat together in the truck, calming down in the darkness and the quiet, it got harder and harder to think of this as just a business transaction. Cole felt so alive and vulnerable under Beckett's hands, and he felt so drawn to him; he was forced to ask himself whether he'd really, truly be able to walk away from this once their contract was fulfilled.
Frankly, he really didn't know.
Chapter Nine
After almost jumping the gun and sleeping with Beckett in his car, Cole couldn't help but be a little embarrassed. This was exactly what Claire had tried to warn him about – to make sure he didn't start seeing this as anything more than a business transaction. Last night, he could have given away his virginity without so much as seeing the check, and then where would he be? He'd have to take up space in Claire's house for even longer, and pick up a second job somehow to start saving.
He and Beckett had arranged to meet again tonight – and by the sounds of things, this would be the night. Cole had gone through a variety of preparations, including watching some clips on the internet that made his toes curl. Even so, he doubted he would feel prepared when it actually happened.
After all, it was a completely new experience.
Even so, he couldn't help but feel a little bubble of excitement as he and Beck left the restaurant they had been eating at, smiling at one another as they were finally alone in each other's company. It was pleasant after all the attention they'd been pulling inside the building.
“Still pretty nice out,” said Beckett. “Thought maybe you might want to go for a walk before we head back?”
“Sure.”
Surely Beck didn't intend to sleep with him out here in public? If not, then this walk was just for the pleasure of his company – and that in itself made Cole blush. For as gruff and serious as he had always assumed Beckett Walsh was, the man was actually very gentlemanly and sweet. However convinced Pastor Berry was that he was a sinner – well. Cole thought the opposite.
The weather was warm but not overbearing, and as Beckett led the way out to the outskirts of time, Cole could only wish for the gentle river breeze they'd enjoyed the other night. Otherwise, everything felt close to perfect.
As soon as they were alone, Beck seemed to relax a little more, turning towards Cole with a slight smile. “I have the check ready for you, if you want to see it.”
“Oh,” he said, feeling his face flood with color. “Sure, if you don't mind.” Part of him wanted to refuse, insisting that he believed that Beck had the money, but Claire was in the back of his head forcing him to be a businessman – and was pleased to have the check in his hand, and then his pocket.
Of course, there was no way of confirming that the check wouldn't bounce out here, but surely Beckett wouldn't write it if that was the case? Then, the whole town would know that not only had he wanted to sleep with a young man, but he was also a liar. In any case, Beck just didn't seem like the type. Cole had misread him before, sure enough, but he didn't think he was misreading him now.
He was a good man – good like Claire was, and his father wasn't. You could just feel that spirit radiating out of people sometimes, and perhaps that was why Cole felt so comfortable around him now.
“I guess you'll be preparing to leave already?” Beck asked, hands in his pockets as they walked down the warm, sunny way. “You must be excited.”
“I am,” Cole confirmed. He couldn't exactly admit that he'd been thinking sorrowfully about everything he'd leave behind when he had that check, or that Beckett was now one of those things he'd miss. He didn't want to seem indecisive or immature; he wanted Beck to think of him as cool and self-assured, moving forward and progressing towards his goals in life rather than constantly reassessing them. But wasn't the fact that he really wanted to impress Beckett simply more evidence that he wanted to remain behind? It was messing with his head. “I guess there's a lot to work out before I go.”
“Not for a while yet, then?”
“Maybe not.”
That was about as specific as he could be – but his stomach flipped as he saw Beck's small smile grow.
It wasn't love. Love was bigger than this, he knew; it took a while to grow into every corner of your being, and it simply hadn't had the time to take root in him yet. Chemistry and electric sparks, though?
Sure. He certainly felt that. It seemed like Beck did, too.
“You'll have to come visit me,” he suggested, “out in the city. Whichever one I choose...”
“Early invitation, huh?”
“Any time,” Cole assured him. “I owe you for your guest room.”
Beckett laughed, shaking his head. “Either that or I can send you a bill, huh? Is that how it works?” His smile was so warm. Cole would never have expected that from all this time he'd been delivering his groceries. It made him want to encourage Beck to do it more – to smile immediately at everyone he met. Then again, maybe not. He liked the idea of keeping it just for himself. “And up until you leave? You're just going to stay with Ms. Piscatella?”
“Claire,” Cole said, half endeared and half entertained by Beck's persistent good manners. He always insisted on referring to her as Ms. Piscatella because they 'hadn't been introduced'. “Yeah, I think so. She's very good to me.”
“Seems like it,” Beck agreed. “I'm glad you have her.”
“Me too,” he admitted. “Without her I guess I'd still be stuck back at home.” Home, of course, was Pastor Berry's house. He guessed it wasn't really 'home' any more. The thought was pretty sobering. “You'd like her, I think. I don't know how people are going to treat you after all of this, but… you know. If you ever need anything...”
“I'll bear it in mind.”
Talking about the time when Cole left didn't feel particularly cheerful any longer, though. Beck's smile had shrunk a little, and Cole himself felt the chill in the air more now. Instead, he stepped a little closer to Beck, letting their arms brush against one another briefly, and sighed, trying not to let the smile on his face grow broad enough to be obvious. He shouldn't care so much about their physical contact. “It's a really nice night.”
“It is,” Beck agreed, and opened his mouth to add something else – but what he was about to say, Cole would never find out. Instead, they were interrupted with a shout from a few meters behind them, and Cole recognized the owner of that voice immediately. It made his blood run cold, and his arms and legs stiffen.
Pastor Berry. His father.
“I can't believe either of you,” he called from a distance. Beck's face was already stern and displeased, and he stepped forward to stand slightly in front of Cole. Truth be told, however, Cole didn't feel it offered any protection. Pastor Berry could still yell, and that was what he was most afraid of. “Walking around, unashamed of your sin. Disgusting!”
“Alright,” said Beckett. Cole was so relieved that he was taking control that he could have held his hand – but something told him this wasn't the best idea. “You've said your piece. For your son's sake, I think it's best you head home.”
“And leave you to corrupt him?” snarled the pastor. “I love my son more than that. I love God more than that.”
“I think both your son and God would prefer that you leave that judgment to Him.”
The pastor pointed at Beckett, seeming to ignore his son for now. He seemed so angry. In fact, he was angrier than Cole had ever seen him. Why was he angrier with Beck than he was with Cole himself? That didn't make any sense. “Don't pretend to know what He wants. All you care about is chasing your lust – at the expense of my son's soul!”
Was that it? Was he really afraid for his son's immortal soul?
Cole hadn't felt any softness towards his father in over a week, but he couldn't help but feel a twitch now. Cole wasn't sure how he felt about his religion now; he felt that reassessing his relationship with God would be a large part of his healing after all of this. What he did know, however, was how seriously his father took all of this. If he thought t
his behavior would send Cole to Hell, then he must be terrified.
For a second, he saw not a hateful and angry old man, but a father trying to protect his child. It hurt to see him that way – to know that he was causing that fear.
“Nobody is hurting anybody's soul,” Beck insisted, voice dry. “Two adults are making a choice they're legally entitled to make. That's all.”
Pastor Berry shook his head, eyes dark. “That's not all, Beckett Walsh. That's my son. I could stand by and let you corrupt yourself and your dead marriage if that's what your dark heart is set on, but you can keep your hands off my son.”
“That's enough,” said Beck. Cole had never heard him speak like that. It contained none of his father's venom, but he certainly sounded intimidating. There was a force in his tone that Cole doubted he could produce himself, as though he was projecting something new with his voice. It was alarming. Honestly, Cole didn't know how to feel about it.
Part of him didn't want Beckett to speak to his father like that. But how could he say so when Beck was actively defending him?
In the absence of Cole's desire to stop him, Beck continued. “Cole doesn't want to talk about this with you, and you know that. Seems like he's told you more than once now. I don't want to hear it either. We understand your view. Both of us get that. I think now's the time you walk away and let us continue on with our evening, just as we're allowing you to continue on with yours.”
Pastor Berry looked about as taken aback by Beckett's serious voice as Cole was. Eyebrows raised, he took one step backwards, and shook his head. “I'll walk away. I'm not trying to cause violence; I'm not like you. But you lay a finger on my son and know you've condemned him to burn. Let that sit on your conscience.”
“Alright,” said Beck, his eyes fixed on the pastor. “Thank you.”
Cole watched his father back away. Somehow, though his father hadn't even met his eyes, this conversation was more powerful than any other they had had before. Somehow, he could see a part of Pastor Berry that went beyond their current argument, and reminded Cole that he may have failed as a husband, but he had not specifically failed as a father.
He swallowed, finding it difficult to progress. As much as he had wanted to spend the rest of the evening with Beckett, he now didn't want to be anywhere near any other person. He wanted to be alone – so when Beck reached to take his shoulder, Cole moved away.
“No,” he said, voice hollow. “I'm sorry. I don't – I don't know.”
“Cole,” said Beckett, a new weight in his voice that Cole didn't recognize. “I know it's difficult, but I promise you there's no sense in anything he's saying.”
He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “No, he's… he's right. Whether – I mean. The gay thing, that's not… but selling myself?”
“Cole...”
Cole shook his head, refusing to be comforted by Beck's concerned eyes and his gentle tone. His father had known him his entire life, and while he was certainly approaching this situation the wrong way, well… maybe Cole really was doing a wrong thing here. He had jumped into the idea out of anger and hatred, and no good decisions were made in a mood like that. He swallowed, reaching into his pocket with a new hollowness in his heart.
Beck seemed to know what he was doing before Cole did himself.
“Cole, don't...”
But it was almost already happening. Cole knew what he was meant to do to earn his money tonight, and in this moment he felt he'd rather die than follow through. He lifted the check out of his pocket, and staring numbly at it, ripped it in half.
“Thank you for your kindness,” he said, voice low and heavy. He couldn't look Beckett in the eyes. “I appreciate your patience and your generosity, but I can't do this any more. I'm sorry.”
To his credit, Beckett didn't follow after him. Cole could only hear him calling his name over and over. He sounded concerned more than angry, and that hurt Cole too – but surely he had to prioritize his father's fear over Beck Walsh's?
Surely, there was some sense in that?
Chapter Ten
The long weekend after Cole walked away had not been the happiest or easiest days of Beck's life. That much, he could tell you offhand.
Bella had tried to cheer him up, but it was hard for her to do so when Beckett categorically refused to talk about the problem that was plaguing him. He knew it was foolish; just like the rest of the town, he knew that his sister would have heard about his winning bid on the pastor's son already. Frankly, he had suspicions that she had known about his sexuality for many years now, even before he had really known it himself.
She was clever in that way. Unfortunately, cleverness couldn't really help him in his current state. Nor could hard work, though he had tried his best to throw himself into farm duties and allow his brain to be distracted.
It might have worked – but the problem wasn't in his brain. It was in his heart.
The truth was that things had gotten a lot deeper than Beckett had been expecting. When he'd first started feeling that primal desire for Cole Berry, it had been weak enough that he had been able to completely ignore it. After that, the attraction had grown overpowering, finally culminating in his bid. Beyond that peak, however, things had softened considerably. Meeting Cole in person for dinner had turned him back into a real person instead of just a sexual object, and he really liked the person he found.
Frankly, he had been enjoying his company just as much as he expected to enjoy the sex... albeit in a different way, and he certainly wouldn't say no to consummating their relationship now. To think he had slowed Cole down when they were making out in the car, insisting that they wait until such a time as it could be made special.
Maybe if they had just devoured each other then, things might be totally different now. They'd never know, but the potential haunted him – just like he was haunted by the numerous different endings to their confrontation with Pastor Berry that Beck had spent a long time imagining. It was hard not to when he saw Cole heading in and out of church, hovering there in his truck and begging himself not to make the mistake of following him.
Cole could do what he wanted. He was a grown man, and if he wished to return to church and repent for a sin he hadn't committed, then that was his choice – but that didn't mean Beckett enjoyed seeing him hurting this way. In fact, allowing it to continue made him feel like he really was committing some kind of sin himself.
Failing to respect another adult's right to make a choice was a bad precedent to set, and Beckett wouldn't try to deny that. But surely trying to intervene and release Cole from this self-punishing cycle was the lesser of two evils?
This was why Beckett found himself sitting outside the church right now, truck switched on for the AC so he didn't die in the heat. He and Cole had never been anything official, and it certainly hadn't lasted for very long, but Beck still owed it to the kid to make sure he knew that there was nothing wrong with him. That he had nothing to repent for. That Beck wouldn't hold it against him for changing his mind.
Of course he was disappointed, but then, the idea of sleeping with Cole had never really sunk in for him in the first place. He had been lucky to spend even 30 minutes with a boy like that.
Church wasn't officially in session, so there wasn't a huge crowd of people for Beckett's eyes to sift through. As such, as soon as the heavy church door began to open, he knew that only Cole could be behind it, and he was already slipping out of the truck to speak to him.
“Cole!”
Even just the sound of his voice seemed to alarm the young man, which did make him feel guilty. Now, his and Pastor Berry's roles had been reversed, and he was the one accosting people as they transferred between buildings – but this, he was confident, was at least for a good reason. As such, he persisted through that guilt.
“Please just give me two minutes of your time. I'm not here to try to change your mind. There's just something I have to say.”
For a few moments, Cole wouldn't even look a
t him. He seemed almost afraid, eyes darting off in a thousand different directions – but eventually, they flicked back to Beckett. Thankfully, he didn't seem to consider Beck a threat. “Okay,” he said, after a long pause. His voice sounded hollow and raw, as if he'd been crying. “Go ahead.”
Frankly, Beckett had been expecting more of a fight, especially after seeing how Cole had reacted to the pastor. The kid was really broken, huh? “Listen, I just… I wanted you to know there's nothing wrong with you. Coming to church like this – I mean. Of course you can feel whatever you feel, Cole, but you have nothing to apologize for, to your father or to God or to anybody. You haven't done anything bad.”
Cole swallowed. He seemed to be blinking faster than he should be, and Beck could only hope he wasn't going to make him cry. “Okay. Is that all?”
“No,” he said, speaking quickly. He could tell he was losing Cole, and that soon he'd start walking away again. This time, he wouldn't stop. Beckett hadn't been intending on letting the conversation go this far, but now that he was here in front of him and he looked so frail? Well – the truth just had to come out. “No. What I wanted to say to you was… you know. The agreement we had. It's… it's gone so far beyond that now. I care about you, Cole. It isn't about the sex.”
“Mr. Walsh...”
“Cole, please. These past few days I've missed you; I've been so worried about you. Don't you think it’s got to be more than just… preparing for that one moment? Don't you think it would have been more than that even if we had?”
Cole shook his head, not so much disagreeing as leaving the conversation. He took a few steps backwards, eyes darting away again. “Please just leave me alone, okay? I made a mistake with all this.”
“I don't think you did,” Beck insisted, but Cole was still moving away – still shaking his head.
Celestial Seductions: The Complete Series: An MM Gay Paranormal Mpreg Romance Collection Page 50