“I changed my mind,” Cole said. “I shouldn't have done any of this. I just wanted to punish him for something he did while he was… you know. Everything was wrong for him too. He was hurting; he was struggling. He's only human, and I did all this to punish him. I went too far.”
“I understand that, but you can't punish yourself in the process, Cole. You can't hide who you are all over again; you were doing so well, and-”
“Please just leave me alone. I'm done with this; I made up my mind.”
After that, he couldn't resist it any more. Beckett just had to stand there and watch Cole leave, scurrying away into his truck as though he were afraid Beck was going to climb in with him. Instead, he just sighed, eyes cast down to the ground. Well, nobody could say he hadn't tried. It just… hadn't worked out.
All the same, he didn't feel good as he climbed back into his own truck, exhaling as he gripped the steering wheel with both hands. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cole drive away in the direction of Ms. Piscatella's house. Well – at least he was still staying there and not with the pastor. Even so, Beck had failed himself. Worse than that, though? He'd failed Cole. Who knew how long it would take the kid to get back into that mindset of loving himself, and ignoring what his over-traditional, hellfire-threatening father thought?
Chapter Eleven
It was difficult for Claire to understand. He knew that, and it only made him more grateful that she was persevering and still continuing to care for him despite her confusion. Unfortunately, however, it meant he did feel pretty lonely. While Claire respected his decision, she didn't really seem to agree with it – and while his father certainly agreed with it, he absolutely did not understand its implications.
Cole felt like he had nobody who understood both sides. He had nobody who really understood the position he was in, who could help him to come to a final and frank decision about this.
He needed that, right now. He felt like he was going crazy.
No matter how much he tried to repent, he still couldn't stop thinking about Beckett. No matter how much he tried to tell himself that loving Beckett wouldn't be wrong, he still saw his father in the back of his mind – and the combination of those two sharp edges meant that there was no obvious way for him to lean.
As always, however, when help finally came, it came from a direction he had not been anticipating.
Everything he did was numb these days. Both in his personal life and his private life, every action and every gesture felt empty, and he had to concentrate extra hard to prevent himself from drifting off – so when he finally heard somebody calling his name in the grocery store as he was returning his crates for the day, it seemed like she had been calling for a good half-minute.
“I'm sorry,” he said, shaking his head. He didn't think he recognized the woman he saw speaking to him, but there was something awfully familiar about her complexion and the color of her hair. “I'm miles away right now. Can I help you?”
“Not with work,” she said. She had a kind face, and although trying to work out whether he had met her before – or where he had met her before – was driving him crazy, he still implicitly felt he could trust her. As such, he was happy to hear her out. “It's actually something more personal. If that's alright?”
As trustworthy as she seemed, Cole knew that his personal life was a contentious issue in town right now. He couldn't help but wince – but thankfully, she waved a hand at him and shook her head.
“No, no,” she said. “Don't worry. I'm not going to berate you, or… you know. Pump you for information. I just hoped we could go for coffee somewhere, maybe. Talk a little. I'd rather not elaborate any more than that just yet.”
She glanced sideways at some customers who had fallen suspiciously quiet in the aisle beside them. Cole smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck as the two old gossips gave up and walked away, muttering quietly. “Sure. Sorry. That's kind of, um… that happens in my life right now.”
“I can imagine,” she said, voice dry. “Actually, my salon is just across the street. We're closed for the day now. Maybe we could just step in there…?”
As soon as she said 'salon', something clicked in Cole's head. There was a reason she looked so familiar, though he didn't think he knew her. This had to be Beckett's sister. Had he put her on the case now that he'd failed? This was the last thing he needed.
“Ah – listen, maybe if...”
“He didn't ask me to do this,” she said, cutting through his panic to reassure him. She hadn't even turned around to look at him. Beckett had mentioned offhand that his sister was very intuitive, but this was… well. Impressive. “In fact, I think he'd be horrified if he knew I'd gone anywhere near you.”
For some reason, this was a comfort. Of course Beckett's sister would have a bias in the matter, but it certainly wouldn't be as heavy a bias as Beckett himself. Besides, she seemed upright enough – and he could walk away at any time if he didn't like what she was saying. Right?
Once they were inside her salon, however, he realized he wouldn't really have to run. Her face was soft; she seemed concerned more than preachy.
“So – as I think you've guessed? My name is Bella. I'm Beckett's sister.”
“Pleased to meet you,” he said, voice quiet. His manners were drilled into him at a young age; even now as an adult he couldn't forget them, and polite words came out automatically. “How can I help?”
“Well,” she said. “It's Beck. Obviously. Like I said, I think he'd be horrified if he knew I was talking to you right now, but… you see, I like to think I know him very well.”
“Of course,” said Cole. He didn't have any siblings, but he knew how close their bonds could get. “He's your brother.”
“Exactly, and I care about him very much. I saw how happy he was when he was spending time with you. I saw how excited he was about preparing for your dates – and let's be clear,” she said, giving him a look. It was firm, but not unkind. “They were dates. I know this whole thing was supposed to be about sex, but the second I saw him after the first one, it was obvious that it had developed beyond that very quickly. Would you agree?”
“Well...”
“Be honest, now. He's not here, and neither is your father.”
Something about her was authoritative enough that he was forced to answer. “Yes,” he admitted. “I would agree.”
“Thank you,” she said. “And it only got stronger every time. I know I'm nobody, and I'm sure you're trying not to think about him right now, but… since you stopped? I've seen him sink so far down. I mean – my brother has been lonely for years, but it's been a very long time since I saw him like this.”
Cole had seen a hint of that himself outside church, but hearing it now from such a reputable source made it hurt even more. His eyes dropped to the floor, half in pain and half ashamed. “I'm sorry.”
“You needn't apologize,” she said. “You're an adult, whether your father thinks so or not; you have every right to change your mind if that's what you want to do. But forgive me, Cole Berry. We may never have met before now, but I've seen you around town. You're a sweet kid – very bright and bubbly, normally. Even more so when you were spending time with my brother; I'll admit to a little spying in that respect. But now?”
She was right, of course. Going back to church and trying to forgive his father wasn't making him happy, and Beckett really had. Was that really the answer to all of this?
“I want to tell you something,” she said. “Something I don't think you've realized. And I don't mean that in a condescending way. I mean you're stuck in this situation, trying to find a way out. You're lost, and sometimes that's the hardest place to be. It makes it difficult to think.”
“Absolutely,” Cole agreed.
“Alright,” she said. “What I want you to know is… this is not a 'one or the other' type scenario. I know it feels like it right now, but… it's not. If you want to be with my brother and have a relationship with God, you can. I
f you want to repair your relationship with your father, then you can. I mean… sure. He's not taking to it very well right now, and that's hard. But soon enough, he's going to realize that your sexuality is part of who you are. It's not going to change, and if he wants to be in your life, he's going to need to accept it.” She paused, looking out of the window. “None of this is your fault. Don't think I'm saying it is. But… changing your mind and repenting in church like this is going to make him think he's right. And he's not right, is he?”
Cole shook his head, too focused to respond. Everything she was saying made sense. She was as smart and incisive as Beckett had always said – and though he couldn't form a sentence right now, his mind was rapidly clearing.
“That's all I wanted to say,” she promised. “I've said my piece. I'm sorry for pushing my nose in like this, but… I felt it was what I had to do.”
He shook his head again, finally stirring his mouth into motion as his eyes met hers. “No,” he said. “You don't need to apologize. This has… really helped. You really helped me. Thank you.”
Bella smiled, reaching out to tuck a bit of his hair behind his ear. “Well, good,” she said. “Then I'm glad. Now… I think you know what to do next. Right?”
“Sure do.”
Their smiles mirrored one another, and the room seemed to lighten. She was right. Cole knew exactly what to do now. How hadn't he seen this before?
“And you come see me after, by the way,” she said, as he headed out of the store. “Don't be walking around with that straight boy haircut.”
He gave her one last grin before he disappeared. “Yes, ma'am.” And with that, he was off – sprinting to his truck. It was only parked a little way down the street, but now that he knew what he had to do, it felt like it was a thousand miles away. Worse than that, the drive out of town seemed like he was going to a different planet. Usually, the gravelly country roads and vast, stretching fields were therapeutic, but now they were a barrier between himself and his personal happiness.
He could only hope that he wasn't too late.
When he arrived at Beckett's house, he didn't see any trace of the cowboy in his fields or his paddocks. As such, he was forced to run up to the door, knocking on it so eagerly that he realized it probably sounded like an emergency. Well – he couldn't take it back now, and nor would he honestly want to. The adrenalin was running through his body like electricity.
As he heard the door begin to open, he only had time to clear his throat to prepare. Then, there he was – Beckett Walsh, handsome and heavy-hearted in front of him.
Granted, he looked surprised to see Cole standing there.
“Cole,” he said. “Is… everything alright?”
“Maybe,” said Cole. Sparks danced down his fingertips. He knew there was probably a better way to do this, but he couldn't wait any longer. They had both already waited long enough. “I'm sorry. Can I kiss you?”
Beck blinked, mouth dropping open. “I mean – Cole. Yes; I...”
He didn't pause for another second. He rushed forward into Beckett's arms, his own arms wrapping tight around the cowboy's neck to pull himself closer to his body, kissing the man he needed so eagerly he barely had the mental capacity left to hope that it felt good. Luckily, it did seem to be; Beck groaned quietly against his lips, scooping him up with those strong arms, and holding him close and tight.
“I'm sorry,” Cole repeated against his lips, peppering extra kisses around his mouth. “I just – I panicked, and I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry. I want you.”
“I want you too,” Beck assured him, voice strained with the sincerity. “All of you. Not just-”
“I know,” Cole told him, pressing another hard kiss against his lips. “I know. I know, I know.”
Beckett carried him inside, and the door clicked shut behind them. Unlike the distance that they had put between themselves on that night they had kissed in the car, they didn't spare an inch now – and by the path Beck was taking him through the house, it seemed that he was carrying Cole straight to bed.
He was nervous, sure. But frankly, there was nothing else he'd rather do.
Chapter Twelve
Having Cole here in his arms was more than Beck had allowed himself to hope for over the past few days – but now, here he was. Already he could feel the boy's heartbeat rough and fast against his chest, and when he deposited Cole gently down onto the bed, he saw the flush in his face too, and the dart of his tongue to wet his lips.
“You okay?”
Cole nodded, eyes rooted on Beck's. Beckett didn't think he'd ever looked so arousing as he did right now, staring right down the barrel of his eyes – like he was begging to be fucked. “I'm okay,” he promised, voice jagged. “Nervous, but… I trust you. I want you. Anything and everything.”
Beckett grinned, already unbuttoning his shirt, and enjoying the feel of Cole's eyes following his fingers down the line of his chest. Soon enough, he discarded it, and pulled his undershirt over his head; Cole gasped quietly at the sight of him and his well-toned muscles. Thank goodness for all that hard farm work. It certainly gave Cole something to look at now.
Far more appetizing, however, was the sight of Cole himself. As Beck continued on to unbutton his own jeans, he watched as Cole struggled to pull off his own shirt, thin and vulnerable underneath the fabric of his t-shirt. He wasn't muscular like Beck was, but that wasn't what appealed to Beckett; he liked these smooth lines and thin limbs and beautiful soft skin.
He sunk down to kneel by the bed, pressing kisses to every inch of Cole's skin that he could reach. Already he saw a peak beginning to form in Cole's pants, but he ignored it for now – simply worshipping the expanse of his torso, and then up to press a teasing kiss against his nipple, tongue flicking out against it for the pleasure of Cole's eager whine.
“You're beautiful,” he told him – though Cole scoffed.
“Have you seen yourself?”
Beckett laughed, standing back to shuffle out of his jeans and watch as Cole finally discarded his, too. Sure enough, there was that promising peak in his boxers; he could see the shape of him outlined there, and his eyes felt riveted to it. Finally, however, he dragged his eyes away to crawl back down and press a fond, long kiss against the younger man's lips. This still wasn't just about sex, after all. Cole needed to know that.
“Really,” Cole insisted, voice sharp against the sweet contact of Beckett's lips. “You – you're so handsome. You could have anybody. I still don't understand why you'd choose me, of everyone.”
“I feel the same way about you.”
That seemed to surprise Cole, and his face flooded with fresh color as the pleasure of that honest truth sank in. His color only got richer as Beck finally allowed one of his hands to drift down over Cole's thigh, and then up over the surface of his boxers. Beckett enjoyed the sound of the quiet gasps as Cole registered the sensation, eyes fluttering shut under Beck's hand.
It wasn't so different to sleeping with his wife – only this time, it wasn't out of routine. This time, his partner was everything he had ever wanted and then some.
“Relax,” he purred by Cole's ear, hand rubbing more intently at his cock over the surface of his boxers now. Beckett ignored his own hardness for the time being, totally focused on flooding his younger partner with the sensation. He was so pliable and so responsive; Beck felt he could dedicate hours just to seeing the way Cole reacted to various different things.
If he was lucky, he reminded himself, he'd actually be able to do that. If Cole really wanted him like this, then they had all the time in the world.
“Feels good,” Cole croaked out, arms winding around the back of Beckett's neck again as he gave in to the sensation. He gave a sharp cry as Beckett's fingers slipped below the waistband of his boxers and took his cock in hand, palm to skin. “Oh, Beckett...”
“Yeah?” he murmured, kissing his shoulder. “Like this?”
In truth, however, he didn't intend on spending much time like this.
He gave Cole's hot, hard cock a few short strokes, still planting kisses over his shoulder and his neck, and then moved to peel those boxers away for good, eyes drawn by the generous curve of his beautiful ass. After all, he needed better access now. He reached for his bedside drawer, half-watching as Cole's eyes darted between the lubricant and condom in his hands, and back up at his face.
“It hurts,” he asked, eventually. “Doesn't it?”
“Not too badly; not if you do it right,” Beckett promised. He had looked into this; he didn't want to hurt the boy if he could help it. “It will ache, but in a good way. We're going to take our time – stretch you out, have you ready...”
Cole moaned, his nails digging into the back of Beckett's neck as he thought about it, tense with the pleasure. He softened up as Beck rubbed a hand down his side.
“Relax,” he assured him again. “You've got to relax, baby.”
It was hard to sound so certain when this was all new to him too, but he knew that Cole needed the confidence. Besides, it wasn't entirely new – and as he slicked up his fingers with lubricant and positioned them at the entrance of his lover's hole, he didn't feel unprepared at all.
“Okay?” he asked. “Ready?”
“Mmhm.”
“Breathe out,” Beckett said, tone soothing – and as Cole did, he finally eased one finger inside him, pausing at his low moan and waiting to let him adjust. “That's it, baby.”
“Yes,” Cole said, incoherent against Beck's shoulder. He was gripping so tight that it'd bruise tomorrow, but Beckett didn't mind. He wanted signs of Cole's desire for him all over his body.
After a few seconds of working him open, he added another finger. The stretch seemed almost too much for Cole; his groan sounded raw and twisted, but the look on his face was pure bliss. “You tell me to stop if you need it,” Beckett assured him, wanting to be certain.
“Don't you dare.”
He grinned. This was all the confirmation he needed – and so he continued, gently scissoring his fingers to open his lover up. Cole rocked gently against his hand, voice high-pitched and eager as he wordlessly begged for more. After some time, Beckett felt by instinct that Cole was ready – that he wanted more. That he wanted Beck.
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