Wish You Were Here

by Mike Gayle

‘Maybe, but right now I feel it’s the only thing I can do.’

  ‘You’re not thinking straight. You can’t be. You’re talking about leaving someone you’ve been with for nearly seven years for a girl you’ve known only a few days. Does that sound like the action of someone who is thinking straight?’

  ‘It is what it is,’ said Andy.

  ‘What does that mean?’ I replied. ‘It doesn’t mean anything. It’s one of those meaningless phrases people say when they can’t justify whatever ridiculous act of self destruction they’re about to do next.’

  There was a long silence and the two girls sitting next to Andy stood up and walked away. I couldn’t think of what else to say. I couldn’t think of how I wanted things to turn out. It was all a mess.

  ‘I thought you of all people would understand,’ said Andy, looking down at the pavement.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I replied.

  ‘Nina told me about you and Donna. Nina said that reading between the lines Donna seemed to think that you might have fallen in love with her.’

  I tried to hold back all of the feelings brought to the surface just by hearing Donna’s name. ‘Recently dumped guy falls in love with girl on holiday,’ I replied sarcastically. ‘Has all the hallmarks of a relationship that – even if she hadn’t dumped me at the airport – would’ve lasted . . . what? Five . . . maybe . . . six seconds after we’d got back home and she’d realised that I’m not the bloke she thought I was, just a dull bloke with a dull job . . . and a dull flat . . . still licking his wounds following a savaging by his ex-girlfriend.’ I paused and looked at Andy. ‘So what was your point?’

  ‘My point was . . .’ his voice trailed off. ‘Look you know what I’m like. I’m hardly perfect boyfriend material, am I? Lisa deserves someone better than me.’

  ‘And Nina doesn’t?’

  ‘It’ll be different.’

  ‘How?’ I replied. ‘What makes you so sure you won’t do the same with her too?’

  ‘Because that’s the whole point of starting again,’ said Andy, ‘to give yourself a clean slate in the hope that maybe this time around you’ll get it right.’

  I could see from his face that his mind was made up, so we made our way into the mini-market in silence, bought all the things we were after and then left the shop. On our way back to the beach neither of us mentioned Nina or Lisa again. Instead we talked about recent films we had seen, TV we had watched and famous women we found attractive. And that small host of conversations managed to occupy the void between us right up until we got back to the beach. I retreated to my corner and Andy retreated to his and even though neither of us spoke again we both knew that the conversation was far from over.

  . . . and that was all it took

  Lisa was holding Andy’s arm aloft so that she could look at his watch. ‘Time to go, boys,’ she said disappointedly.

  ‘What time is it?’ asked Tom.

  ‘Just coming up to five.’

  ‘So that’s the end of beach life for us for a while,’ said Andy. ‘I was actually kind of getting into it.’

  ‘We could still come down tomorrow,’ said Lisa. ‘What time are we supposed to be out of our rooms?’

  ‘Eleven,’ said Andy.

  ‘Midday,’ I corrected.

  Andy shrugged. ‘Either way we’ll have nowhere to wash once we’ve been kicked out so I doubt if I’ll be bothering with the beach tomorrow.’

  ‘That’s a shame,’ said Lisa. ‘So what time’s the actual flight home?’

  ‘Eleven o’clock at night,’ said Andy.

  ‘Actually it’s just after midnight,’ I corrected again. ‘And the coach picking us up for the airport is coming some time around nine.’

  As Andy and Lisa began collecting their things together, it became clear that the tension between me and Andy hadn’t gone unnoticed because Tom lifted up his sunglasses and raised his eyebrows in querying fashion. Andy and Lisa were still too close for comfort for me to respond so as they began making their way towards the top of the beach I lingered by the loungers with Tom.

  ‘So what’s happened now? You’ve barely said a civil word to each other since your trip to the shops.’

  ‘I don’t even know where to begin,’ I replied. ‘It’s all wrapped up so tightly together it’s almost impossible to unravel. I’m not even sure where the beginning of the story is . . . but I’m pretty certain what the end will be if Andy finds out.’

  ‘This doesn’t sound good at all. What has he done now?’

  ‘It’s actually all my fault this time,’ I replied. ‘I slept with Lisa.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘I know,’ I replied. ‘I shouldn’t have done it but I did.’

  ‘When did this happen?’

  ‘Last night, after you went to bed. Andy went out to get some more raki and I don’t know . . . we started talking and it all snowballed from there.’ Tom couldn’t have looked more disappointed in me if he’d tried. ‘I promise you, if I’d thought for a second that Andy even remotely cared for her I would never have let it happen.’

  ‘That’s easy to say,’ said Tom. He looked up ahead to where Andy and Lisa stood waiting at the top of the beach. ‘I take it he doesn’t know?’

  ‘No,’ I replied.

  ‘So why all the tension this afternoon?’

  ‘Well that sort of brings me to the twist in the story . . .’

  ‘Nothing you say could surprise me now.’

  ‘Not even if I told you that not only is Andy going to carry on seeing Nina when we get back home, but he’s decided that he’s going to leave Lisa?’

  ‘This whole holiday is a mess from beginning to end. We would’ve all been better off staying at home.’ Tom bent down and picked up his bag. ‘So where does all this leave you and Lisa?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘We haven’t had a chance to talk yet.’

  ‘And if you had, what would you say?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘I really don’t know.’

  It’s not going to blow over

  It was evening now and the four of us were making ready to leave The Bengal Castle (one of the few Indian restaurants in Malia and yet another one of Tom’s discoveries). Our next stop was the strip, where we planned to visit a few bars before heading off to Andy’s beloved foam party at the Camelot Club.

  So far the evening had been uneventful. Andy and I had barely spoken to each other until we all sat down to dinner, when we both mellowed significantly for the sake of the evening that lay ahead of us. As for Lisa, I was still none the wiser about her feelings about last night. She hadn’t said a single thing to me and there hadn’t been the opportunity for me to say a single thing to her. Instead, while the others hung around the bedroom watching TV, I sat on the balcony alone under the guise of reading The Da Vinci Code when in reality all I was doing was staring out to sea and thinking about Lisa.

  ‘So come on then, Charlie,’ said Tom as he pushed his chair underneath the table and leaned on the backrest, ‘what do you think will be the first thing you’ll do once you get home?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I hadn’t been particularly talkative all evening. I glanced at Lisa. ‘Maybe you should ask someone else.’

  Tom turned to Lisa and smiled. ‘You’ll give me an answer won’t you, mate?’

  ‘Okay,’ replied Lisa. ‘The first thing I’ll do is open the post. I love it when you go away and there’s a ton of stuff waiting for you. It’s almost like it’s your birthday . . . only there aren’t any cards . . . only junk mail and utility bills and letters from your auntie telling you how well all your cousins are doing.’ Lisa batted the question back to Tom. ‘What about you? What will be the first thing you do when you get home?’

  ‘It’s a bit boring,’ replied Tom. ‘I’ll kiss Anne and the kids. That’s the first thing I always do when I walk through the door.’

  ‘That’s not boring,’ said Lisa. ‘It’s sweet. I’d love to come home to a family l
ike that one day.’

  ‘Ask him what the second thing is,’ said Andy. ‘I bet it won’t be quite so cuddly.’

  ‘He’s right,’ laughed Tom. ‘The second thing will be to check all my work e-mails in case there’s anything important in there. Last time Anne and I went away I came back to an in-box groaning under the cyber-weight of two hundred-and-sixty-seven unopened e-mails and attachments. Ninety per cent of them were the usual: “It’s Brian’s leaving do on Friday – please make the effort to come along.”’

  ‘That sounds like my place too,’ replied Lisa.

  ‘What about you, Andy?’ asked Tom. ‘What will be your first move when you get home?’

  ‘I can answer that one for you,’ said Lisa. ‘It’s easy. The first thing Andy always does is go around the house checking every single room to see if anything’s changed. It’s a weird sort of superstition he’s had going for as long as we’ve been living together.’

  ‘She’s making this up,’ said Andy, clearly embarrassed, ‘I don’t do that at all.’

  ‘He does,’ teased Lisa. ‘He even does it in the same order every time. It’s living room, kitchen, front bedroom, back bedroom and then bathroom. It’s like he’s checking for burglars or something.’

  ‘Look,’ interrupted Andy, ‘can we stop talking about going home and start having some fun here? Tonight’s our last night together. And I’m pretty sure that none of us is ever going to come back here again. So let’s just enjoy ourselves okay?’ He patted me on the back. ‘And that means you too, mate. Tonight is going to be a night you’re never going to forget.’

  Things were busy now. The pavements were packed with so many young Brits that it was hard to imagine there could be anyone between the ages of eighteen and thirty left at home. They were all here, fuelled with booze and ready to party.

  The bar girls of the strip were in force. It was easy to pick them out amongst the streets crowded with holidaymakers because they stood out a mile: long legs, incredible bodies, cheeky personalities, provocative dress sense. It was all there and it was all working for them. We watched in admiration as a stunning girl in a pink top, short skirt and cowboy boots managed to single-handedly herd about ten guys into Bar Logica in a matter of seconds. Meanwhile across the way three girls wearing tight jeans and matching polka-dot bikini tops were picking off groups of guys at random and leading them into Hotshot’s cocktail lounge at such a rate that there was a huge backlog of blokes crowded in the bar like sheep waiting to be shorn. But despite the strong bar-girl presence, unlike on our previous visits, not a single one of them even looked in our direction. The message was clear. Even though there were three of us – and only one of Lisa – in their eyes at least, we all belonged to her. We were no longer strays as I’d imagined at the airport. We had an owner. A leader. Someone in charge. And the girls in their short skirts and tight tops knew and respected that. And although I didn’t miss the attention – my mind was too focused elsewhere – I did resent the assumption that Lisa owned all three of us, even if in truth they were actually only one third out.

  Lisa’s presence affected my perception of the strip too. Bathing in the neon glow of the bars and the clubs we found ourselves jostling with rowdy gangs of youths shouting and swearing at the top of their voices; we were breathing in the hot fat smells of a thousand and one takeaway meals, and we were forced to endure the constant thump of countless anonymous club tracks. Thanks to Lisa, I suddenly saw Malia with new eyes and felt embarrassed that we had brought her here at all. Everything around us was evidence of both my and Andy’s lack of maturity – the exact opposite of the dictionary definition of ‘sophistication’. We were Beavis and Butthead at thirty-five. Grown men in schoolboy trousers. Overgrown teenagers trying desperately to hang on to the last vestiges of our youth. And I realised (albeit too late) that some activities in life, like holidaying in Malia, skateboarding or drinking until you throw up over your shoes, are too youthful for a man this deep into his thirties to participate in without looking like a fool.

  ‘Let’s try this place.’ Lisa came to a halt as if she had overheard my thoughts and was now desperate to compound my shame. ‘It looks like fun.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ replied Andy, staring at Pandemonium’s eye-catching neon sign. ‘I mean, it looks a bit tacky, don’t you think?’

  ‘Cheesy, yes,’ corrected Lisa. ‘Tacky? No. What does everyone else think?’

  ‘I don’t mind,’ said Tom.

  Lisa looked at me expectantly, but I had long since given up trying to hide how I was feeling.

  ‘Right then,’ said Lisa, ‘Pandemonium it is then.’

  Pandemonium hadn’t changed since we were last there. The music was still loud, the bar was still packed and the waitresses still wearing very little. We set up camp in the same seats that we had occupied on our first night, Tom and I facing the bar and Andy and Lisa sitting opposite. A bunny-girl waitress came and took our drinks orders and once they arrived we tried several times to start a group conversation but soon tired of yelling over the music. Out of necessity, then, Lisa and Andy fell into their own private conversation while Tom and I fell into our own.

  ‘It’s like history repeating itself,’ said Tom as he looked up at the TV screen above his head showing highlights of the day’s test match. ‘At least tonight should be less eventful than last time.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I replied.

  ‘What do you mean, “maybe”?’ asked Tom looking at me suspiciously. ‘You’re not going to start something tonight are you?’

  I took a sip of my beer. ‘I really like her, Tom. I really like her.’

  ‘Lisa?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Do you mean you like her in the same way you “really liked” Donna?’ said Tom, playing devil’s advocate.

  ‘That’s hardly fair is it?’ I responded. ‘I did like Donna . . . but she didn’t want me. What should I be doing instead? Sitting around crying into my beer?’

  ‘No,’ replied, Tom, ‘but I just don’t think Lisa’s the answer. Think about it, Charlie, you haven’t even spoken to her about last night yet and you’re already thinking about rocking the boat with her and Andy.’

  I glanced across the table. It seemed too bizarre for words that I could be discussing my feelings for her so openly with her sitting less than three feet away and yet so oblivious.

  ‘You’re absolutely right.’

  ‘Absolutely right about what?’ asked Tom.

  I didn’t reply. Instead I stood up, walked around to Andy and Lisa’s side of the table and tapped them both on the shoulder.

  ‘All right, mate?’ said Andy. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘You’re right about me putting some effort into having a laugh tonight. In fact I’m so in the right frame of mind that I actually fancy a dance . . . which is why I was just wondering if I could borrow your girlfriend for a bit.’

  Andy laughed. ‘How much have you had to drink? I’ve never seen you on the dance floor unless you’re practically slaughtered.’

  ‘I know,’ I replied. ‘But there’s a first time for everything.’

  ‘In that case you have my full blessing, mate.’

  Lisa looked on helplessly as I took her by the hand and led her in the direction of the Pandemonium’s packed dance floor. At the last minute, however, I changed direction and instead guided her through some large glass doors to the bar’s outdoor patio area where dozens of couples sat at tables talking by candlelight.

  ‘I’m sorry for dragging you away like that,’ I said as we came to a halt next to a row of potted olive trees. ‘I didn’t know what else to do.’

  ‘This is insane, Charlie,’ protested Lisa. ‘What if Andy came out here right now?’

  ‘I know, I know,’ I replied, fighting hard the urge to kiss her. ‘But what could I do? I’ve got to know what last night was about.’

  ‘It was a mistake,’ she said quietly.

  ‘A mistake?’

  Lisa nodded. ‘I wish with my whole
heart that it had never happened.’

  I walked over to an empty table, sat down and closed my eyes in a bid to block out what was happening. As I squeezed my eyes shut a million and one emotions washed over me.

  ‘It can’t have been a mistake,’ I said desperately. ‘I felt something for you last night and I know you did too. I can’t have got it that wrong, surely? It wasn’t just all in my head.’

  ‘You’re right,’ she replied. ‘I think when Andy told me he was flying me over here I was more excited about seeing you than I was him. You were there for me when I needed you. I wanted to be there for you, too. But I took things too far. You’re Andy’s best friend. I should never have put you in that position.’

  ‘But you did,’ I replied. ‘And even though I’m Andy’s friend I don’t regret anything about last night.’

  ‘You and Andy have been friends too long for me to believe you mean that.’

  ‘You don’t need to tell me what’s at stake,’ I replied. ‘I already know. And maybe Andy will never get over it or maybe he will. But all I know is that it’s worth the risk. Last night wasn’t just about sex. It was about something more than that. It must have been.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Say you’ll leave him.’

  I could see from Lisa’s face that she hadn’t seen that coming. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying, Charlie.’

  ‘Maybe not,’ I replied. ‘But I know you don’t love him.’

  There was a long silence.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said eventually, ‘I don’t, at least not like most people would mean it. We’re probably more like a car crash. We’re too mangled together to tear apart without doing ourselves some permanent damage.’ Lisa paused as a group of girls carrying luminous cocktails came out through the glass doors and filled the patio with cackling laughter.

  ‘We’d better go back inside, Charlie,’ said Lisa, standing up. ‘Andy could start looking for us any second. Are you coming?’

  ‘You carry on,’ I replied. ‘I’ll see you in a minute.’