Knuckle Down

by Chantal Fernando

  “I’m going to eat my emotions,” I admit, sliding his beer my way and smelling it. “It smells so good. So, so good. You are a lucky man, Tayte.”

  He starts laughing at me. “How typical is it that I find a woman I’m attracted to and a few days later she finds out she’s pregnant?”

  “There are plenty of nonpregnant beautiful women here, Tayte, and guess what? I happen to be one hell of a wingwoman,” I tell him with a wink. I’m flattered that he’s attracted to me, but it appears, at least for now, Knuckles has ruined me for other men.

  And I have his unborn child inside of me.

  I place my hand on my stomach and take a deep breath. I might have wanted this one day, but not like this.

  Not like this.

  24

  When I return home and have all my dogs running to me, I can’t be happier.

  “I missed you guys so much,” I tell them. “I hope you’ve behaved yourself for Auntie Erin, Kobe. Did you bite her clothes? I heard that you did.”

  “He behaved for me,” Knuckles says, walking toward me. My eyes rise at his voice, surprise hitting me at his presence. I didn’t expect him to be here, but I’m not going to lie, he’s a sight for sore eyes. “They all did.”

  He gives me a once-over, as if making sure I’m okay, his eyes eating me up.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask him, scowling. “Where’s Erin?”

  “Her mom had to go to the hospital, so she had to leave. I told her I’d stay here and look after the dogs until you got back,” he explains, moving so close to me that when I stand up his body is mere inches away from mine.

  I stretch my neck back to look at his face. “Is Louise okay?” I ask him, instantly worried about my aunt. “I should call my dad to see if he knows.”

  “She’s fine now, but she had a mini heart attack,” he explains, reaching out to tuck my hair back behind my ear. “You look tired. How was your run-away-from-Knuckles vacation?”

  “Just what I needed,” I lie, stepping away from him. “And thank you for dogsitting, I really appreciate it.”

  “Anytime,” he replies, and then goes and picks up my bag for me. “I’ll put this in your room, and then we’re gonna have a chat.”

  I don’t say anything, but my jaw goes tight as he tries to boss me around. I probably would have found that hot before, but now I just want to throw something at him.

  “Yes, sir,” I call out behind him. “Asshole.”

  “I heard that!” he calls back.

  “I don’t care,” I reply, marching into the kitchen and pouring myself a glass of juice. Because of my fine hosting skills, I also pour him one, but I don’t enjoy it. I decide to make the most of the sunny weather and take the drinks outside. The dogs start to run and play around the garden, and I sit down and watch them, waiting for Knuckles to return. I quickly send Erin and my dad a message, asking how Aunt Louise is. I wonder if I should do a trip down south to go see her, I know she would love that.

  The chair next to me scrapes the ground as he pulls it back.

  “You overreacted,” he announces as his opening line. “We should have just spoken about it and gotten over it. Everyone argues, Celina, but that doesn’t mean we end a relationship after the first one. It isn’t always smooth sailing, but you don’t run at the first sign of trouble.”

  “I get that,” I tell him, speaking calmly. “I do. But you’re meant to fight clean, and keep the sex dirty, and you didn’t keep the argument clean. You made some jabs and said some things you can’t take back. Also, you didn’t let me speak. At all. You refused to hear what I had to say. You accused me, acted like I was guilty without even hearing my side of the story. In my book that isn’t just a fight. That’s the ending of a relationship.” I hold up my hand as he opens his mouth to say something.

  “And if your MC is giving you shit for being with me, and you feel guilty about that because of the article, which was mainly trying to drag me down, by the way, then that still hasn’t changed. How can you be with me if you’re going to take it personally and feel guilty because you’re with a journalist? If you feel that way, I don’t think there’s anything we can do to fix that.”

  “I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said, yes, I was angry and lost my shit, and I know that’s not an excuse it’s just an explanation,” he murmurs, watching the dogs as they roll around on the grass.

  “You were angry, but I was upset too. It was my fault for even giving Tim the idea. But I swear it was going to be a good article. Focusing on the misconceptions. I should’ve told you, and I was wrong for not doing so. But I didn’t give consent for that article, and I felt like I’d been taken advantage of, used and betrayed, and yeah, I felt guilty too. I felt like shit that they published the article on you only because they knew I was at your clubhouse, but never ever did I intend to betray the club. And then I went to Jaxon Bentley, the lawyer, which is who you saw me with that day, to help me build a case against them, because I’m not going to let them win this. It’s all one giant clusterfuck,” I tell him, jaw going tight. “Forget the fact that I love you, Erin is a part of that club, and my family means everything to me.”

  His head snaps to me, eyes pinning me in my place. “You love me?”

  Oh fuck.

  Yes, I love you, even though you’re a total caveman, and oh by the way, I’m also having your child.

  “Yeah, I do,” I say with regret. “And it’s fucking inconvenient, and I don’t like the way you spoke to me, and I’m already building my walls up again, regretting the fact that I let you in, only for us to buckle at the very first obstacle. If this was a test, we failed. So even though I love you, tell me why I should let you back into my life again?”

  Besides the baby.

  Shit.

  I have to tell him, I know I do, I just don’t know how to get the words out. I need to get it over and done with before he leaves.

  He deserves to know, and honesty has always been our policy.

  He pulls my chair closer to him, and waits until I look him in the eye. “Because I love you too, and I don’t want to give up on this when we only just found each other. This is new for me too, Celina, you aren’t the only one out of your comfort zone right now. I haven’t been in a relationship in years, and I can’t even describe what you make me feel. You make me crazy, and you make me want to wrap you up in Bubble Wrap so the world can’t fuckin’ hurt you, but then you’re you . . . You’re strong, independent, and you have that mouth on you . . . full of sass. Spirit. Loyalty. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in an old lady.” He pauses, and then adds, “Well maybe not as stubborn, but I’ll take you just as you are.”

  There’s no time like the present.

  “I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, keeping my eyes on him to see his reaction.

  First, his eyes narrow to slits, his jaw getting tighter by the second.

  He looks angry.

  Why is he angry?

  “Whose is it?” he asks me through clenched teeth, hands now fists.

  Oh, that’s why.

  I slap his shoulder. “Didn’t we just have the discussion about you listening to me and letting me talk before you get all Angry Asshole? It’s yours, asshole! I haven’t slept with anyone else. Did you get your sperm tested to make sure you’re sterile? Because I’m pregnant. A doctor did a pee test while I was on the cruise because I kept throwing up.”

  “No, I didn’t get my sperm tested after, they never asked me to,” he replies, confusion written all over his expression. “Fucking hell, we’re having a baby? The girls are going to be so excited to hear this.”

  “What do you mean they never asked you to? Isn’t it a known fact that you need to get tested after to make sure it worked?” I ask, calming down now that he seems to be taking it a little better.

  “Well, who fucking cares now,” he replies, standing up and lifting me out of my chair. “Stop being angry, baby mama. Give me a kiss, I’ve fuckin’ missed you.”

&n
bsp; “Call me baby mama again, and I’m going to kill you.”

  He kisses me, ending my rant, and carries me to the couch, laying me down on it. “How do you feel? I mean, we never spoke about children. Did you even want kids?”

  “We never spoke about it because we just met and you told me you couldn’t have any, so I didn’t even think it was going to be an option at any point,” I tell him, trying to think of how to reply to his questions. “I don’t know, to be honest. I guess I never thought I’d be very maternal, and I don’t know many kids; I haven’t been around them a lot.”

  “But . . . ?” he prompts, running his fingers over my stomach, lifting my shirt up to show my bare skin.

  “But now that I’m having one, I mean, I love him already, you know? Just like that. It’s instant. I love this baby and I’m going to do anything I have to to protect him.”

  “Him?” he asks, kissing below my navel. “You think it’s going to be a boy?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I guess in my head I’ve just been calling him a he. It’s better than calling him it.”

  Brown eyes soften, and then he gives me the gentlest, sweetest kiss in the history of kisses.

  “Maybe we could just see how we do? Like not make any promises, just see if we can make this work or not, without any pressure,” I suggest to him.

  It’s safe this way.

  “We can do that. I know what I want, but I’m more than happy to prove it to you,” he says.

  “Okay, then it’s decided.”

  I need to admit to myself that this is no romance novel, this is real life, and things aren’t always going to work out how I want them.

  That doesn’t mean I can’t try to make it work though.

  We’re going to clash, he’s going to be a caveman, and I’m going to be dramatic and call him out on it. But as long as we communicate, maybe we can make it work.

  We’re going to have a baby. Goes to show, you just never know what life is going to throw at you, and sometimes all you can do is hold on for the ride.

  25

  Knuckles comes to the doctor with me for my very first appointment, and a scan confirms the pregnancy and tells me I’m six weeks along, which is pretty much how long we’ve known each other.

  How much can someone’s life change in six weeks?

  I found Knuckles, quit my job, and became pregnant, all in that short period of time.

  “I know you’re all independent woman and everything, but you know you don’t have to find another job right now. No one is going to want to hire someone who will be going on maternity leave in less than eight months,” he tells me on the way home.

  “No one knows I’m pregnant though,” I point out.

  “That’s not being honest,” he says, like he’s suddenly a man who follows all rules society sets for him.

  “All is fair in job hunting,” I fire back, putting the window down to let some air into the car. “I need a job, Knuckles. I’m going to run out of money soon, and I don’t like relying on anyone. I’m no scrub.”

  “You’re pregnant,” he reminds me.

  “As if I’ve forgotten,” I grumble, glancing out the window. “Women work when they’re pregnant.”

  “Mine doesn’t,” he says, taking a deep breath, as if to calm him down. “Especially when she doesn’t have to. I have plenty of money, you don’t have to worry about that shit anymore.”

  He makes it sound like eating and paying bills is a trivial thing. And yeah, I bought a bigger house because I never planned on moving from it, and I never expected to lose my job, but I guess if worse came to worse I could sell it. There’s no way in hell I’m going to let him pay my mortgage.

  “If I get offered a good position, I’m not going to say no,” I declare, turning my head to look at him. “I’m pregnant, not disabled. And I work in an office, so I just have to sit there in front of my laptop all day, it’s not physical labor.”

  “Why are you so difficult?” he groans, getting out of the car to put in the code for the gate. When it starts to open, he gets back inside and parks the car. “I just want to make it easy on you, that’s all I’m trying to do. I’m not trying to be controlling, so don’t take it as that.”

  “I know,” I reply, softening. I reach out and take his hand into mine. “I do. Just . . . let me take some time. I only just found out I’m going to have a baby, and it’s kind of hard to process that I won’t be working for some time.”

  I’ve never not worked, ever since I was fourteen.

  But now I’m going to want to spend time with the baby. I wonder if I can do some work from home and have the best of both worlds. I know that I need to do something, it’s not like me to sit idly. I like to be useful.

  “Okay,” he says softly, getting out to open my door for me. He’s treating me like I’m fragile, which I find amusing. This isn’t his first baby, so he knows what to expect, but I have no idea.

  Are there classes or something I can go to that can tell me what the hell I’m meant to be doing? I make a mental note to research that. Hand in hand, we walk into the clubhouse, when all of a sudden everyone jumps out from nowhere, yelling congratulations.

  Erin is holding a sign that reads, CONGRATS ON GETTING KNOCKED UP while Rogue’s reads, KNUCKLES’S SPERM FOR PRESIDENT. Even Gage is holding one, his stating that RAVEN SPERM IS IMMORTAL.

  I can’t even.

  Trust them to joke about this, and then turn it into a reason to have a party.

  Everyone hugs me and says congrats, Erin touching my belly. “I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby. A Raven! Holy shit, I didn’t see this one coming.”

  “No one did,” I grumble, unable to keep the smile off my face. “But here we are.”

  Erin outdid herself with a delicious platter, so creative and beautiful it looks like she got it catered.

  “Dude, who knew you could do shit like this?” I say, dipping a carrot stick into the French-onion dip. “This is amazing.”

  “Not every day your cousin gets knocked up,” she replies, cutting some Brie and placing it on a cracker. “Especially when I thought you and Knuckles were over. Whenever we get a chance you are going to fill me in on everything I’ve missed, you hear me?”

  “Of course, who else do I have to tell all this shit to?” I reply, grinning. I haven’t told Akeira yet, because I’m waiting to do it in person when I’m catching up with her at lunch tomorrow. I know she’s going to lose her shit, so I’m going to record it.

  Katie comes and stands next to us, congratulating me.

  “You must be due around the same time as me, give or take,” she says, smiling at me. “I’m glad there’s someone going through the same thing as me.”

  I laugh at that. “Yeah, well, I guess we’re in it together now, huh?”

  She looks so much better now, color back in her cheeks, and she’s put on a little weight, making her look much healthier. She touches her stomach. “I’m just praying that the drugs didn’t do anything to the baby. I’ve been reading up on it, and there can be lasting effects, even though I stopped early on in the pregnancy.”

  “I’m sure it will be fine,” I tell her, studying her. “You aren’t on drugs now, and that’s what matters.”

  “I hope so,” she says, an odd look flashing in her eyes.

  A look of bitterness and regret.

  I’m about to tell her not to stress when Knuckles lifts me up from behind. “Look at this, Erin. Who knew you were so creative?”

  “Not me,” she replies, resting her arm against his. “This is the first time I’ve tried anything like this, but I’m happy with the way it came out. Only the best for my cousin and my bestie, right?”

  Knuckles puts me down and rests his hands protectively on my belly. “Should have known you lot would make this into a party. You’ll probably turn my funeral into a party.”

  “Probably,” Erin agrees, tucking her dark hair back behind her ear. “I tried to invite the girls, but Fl
ora said no, so that’s why they’re not here, not that we didn’t want them to be here.”

  “She said no? Did you tell her what the party was for?” Knuckles asks, bending forward to grab some nuts from the grazing platter.

  “Yeah, I said to welcome their new sibling. Did you not tell her yet?” She sounds confused. “Because I just assumed that she knew, because you mentioned that the girls knew. Wouldn’t they have told her anyway?”

  “I forgot to tell her, but yeah the girls might have,” Knuckles replies, not sounding like he cares either way. “But it was probably shitty to hear the news from someone she’s never even met.” He pauses, and then adds, “Actually, she’s probably going to be shitty anyway.”

  Great.

  I don’t have any experience with the whole baby-mama thing, but I think it’s important that we all meet and get along, for the kids’ sake. Do I reach out? No, this is up to Knuckles to handle however he sees fit. It’s his past, not mine.

  “Well, she should be less of a snob then,” Erin says with an eye roll. “Now, are you going to find out the sex of the baby? Do we have any name ideas? Erin is a classic name, don’t you think? It’s just one of those names that never goes out of fashion and is liked by all, young and old.”

  “No,” Knuckles and I reply at the same time. “And we haven’t discussed it yet, still trying to process the fact that it’s happening,” I tell her, moving out of Knuckles’s hold to grab more food. “I should probably tell my parents too. How’s your mom doing by the way?”

  “Much better, she’s at home resting. She loved the flowers you sent her,” she tells me, watching Ace as he approaches. “It was quite the scare, but she’s going to be fine.”

  “That’s good.”

  “So whose idea were the signs?” I ask Ace as he appears next to Erin. “Also very creative.”

  He laughs and wraps his arm around his woman. “We do the signs at every party. It’s just that added touch, don’t you think? The funnier the better.”