The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules

by Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg

  ‘Excuse the mess, but I’ve been busy. Just look at this.’ He went up to the bed and extracted his writing pad from under the mattress.

  ‘Sit down.’ He gestured to a chair. ‘You read detective stories, take a look at this …’

  Martha sat down and watched Brains leaf through his drawings. There was an aura of calm and warmth about him, and she always felt safe in his company. They had known each other a long time and Martha had always liked him. But they had become a lot closer now that they were partners in crime. She chuckled to herself. Life was funny. You never knew how it would turn out.

  ‘Here we are. This won’t be as simple as I first thought. It isn’t like in the old films when you stole the keys from the security guard and then just helped yourself to everything.’

  ‘So even thieves had it easier in the old days?’

  ‘It would seem so.’ Brains pointed at the open page of his notebook, where he had drawn the locks and hinges of the safes. ‘These safes have electronic locks which are opened and closed with coded cards. Of course, a fancy hotel doesn’t buy its safes from a store. These safes are an expensive and sophisticated model. That system down in the spa would have cost a fortune to install. They may as well have a sticker on them saying “burglar-proof”. I didn’t dare say that to the others. To be honest, I really haven’t a clue how we can pull this off.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Brains. We’ll arrange a power cut.’

  ‘That won’t help. Those boxes have a battery back-up and all that will happen is that they will all automatically lock themselves.’

  ‘Well, then! I know what you can do,’ Martha called out in delight. ‘You can go down early tomorrow morning and arrange a short circuit so that all the boxes become locked. When the spa guests can’t put their valuables in the usual safes, the receptionist will have to offer them somewhere else to keep their jewels and expensive items. Did you see that storage cupboard, the metal one in reception? It looks like one of those old-fashioned cabinets with an ordinary lock. I bet you the receptionist would have to put the jewels in there.’

  Brains looked at Martha, astounded.

  ‘My dear, I’ve been mulling over that problem all evening without finding a solution. Your nickname should be “Brains”!’ he said as he looked at her in a rather wistful and admiring way.

  Martha couldn’t help but smile at his praise, but she tried to recover as quickly as possible. She stuttered in response, ‘You men think mainly about the technical stuff. There is the human factor to consider too.’

  ‘There is one other thing that we need to do, though. We need to create a diversion and also distract the other guests somehow. And I think I have got just the thing!’

  Brains smiled, got up and came back with two white plastic bags.

  ‘Here are some herbs. I got the henbane from Rake, thinking that it could be useful. He has given us a small, safe dose. If we put this into the nozzle on the pillar in the steam room then the powder ought to spread across the entire spa. This should make everyone a bit dozy. That’s when we can open up the cupboard in reception—and steal all the valuables!’

  ‘And what about the contents of the other pouch?’

  ‘We’ll put that down the nozzle too. Rake has a bit of cannabis left from his experiments on the balcony, or was it from his days at sea? I can’t remember. Whatever, it makes you happy and gives you the giggles. Just think of all those unfortunate people we’ll be stealing from. At least if they have a few cannabis fumes in their lungs they won’t be sad when they see that all their valuables are gone.’

  ‘You are a kind man, Brains, always thinking of other people’s feelings,’ Martha said, delighted. ‘We will end up with happy victims of crime. These people will be laughing their heads off as they search in vain for their jewellery.’ She started giggling, and Brains joined in her merriment.

  ‘If you can take responsibility for spreading the contents of the pouches in the steam room, then I’ll deal with the locked cupboard behind the reception desk,’ Brains proposed.

  ‘But what about the others, aren’t they going to do anything?’

  ‘I think that for this first time we should do most of it ourselves. Then we can’t blame anybody else if it doesn’t succeed. And we will gain some experience too.’

  ‘Not many people start a new career at our age,’ said Martha.

  ‘Age equals wisdom!’ Brains answered, and then they laughed again and it was quite a while before Martha left to go back to her own room.

  Twelve

  Just as Rake started to get undressed he heard a knock at his door. He pulled up his trousers again, put on his jacket and took a few hesitant steps in the direction of the door.

  ‘It’s me, Christina,’ a small voice said from outside.

  Rake quickly combed his hair, tied a cravat round his neck and opened the door.

  ‘Come in, come in!’

  When she entered the room, he immediately noticed that she looked worried.

  ‘A little champagne?’

  She shook her head and sank down onto the sofa.

  ‘Your suite certainly does look masculine,’ Christina said. Rake watched as she rubbed her hand across her forehead as though she had a headache.

  ‘I thought it suited me. It has a pure style and it reminds me of my time at sea.’ His cheeks acquired a little colour.

  ‘To think that people live in such luxury. I heard that guests who return to the hotel always want to have the same room as before. That’s totally understandable. I don’t want to end up in prison. I want to stay here.’

  ‘But Christina, that’s the whole point. We’ve got to commit crimes in order to live in this sort of luxury,’ he said as he sat down beside her.

  ‘Well, I don’t want to steal!’ Christina’s voice was shrill. ‘We can’t. It’s not right.’

  ‘But my dear Christina, you can’t abandon ship now. You’ll be ruining things for the rest of us.’

  ‘But what about my children? What are they going to say? Emma and Anders will be ashamed of me, and what if they turn their backs on me for ever?’

  ‘Oh no. They are going to be proud of you. Think of Robin Hood, who stole from the rich. The English love him.’

  ‘So my children will come to respect me because I steal like Robin Hood? But Robin Hood and safes at the Grand Hotel are not exactly the same thing.’

  ‘Oh yes they are. We are stealing from the wealthy, and people always make allowances if you steal from those who have a lot of money. Anders and Emma will do that as well. Do you remember the Great Train Robbery in England? Most people think that it was really clever and the man who masterminded it is admired by some.’

  ‘But that was a gigantic robbery. We are only stealing on a small scale in comparison.’

  ‘Well, enough to get us into prison.’

  ‘Yes, rather that than electronic tagging, I suppose. That would be awful. Just imagine going around with one of those ugly ankle tags!’ Christina looked at Rake with tears in her eyes. He put a comforting arm around her.

  ‘You can’t imagine how brave everybody is going to think you are. It will be a famous robbery coup and you will be a part of it. You will become a legend.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Yes, you. People are going to talk about you with respect. I am proud of you and I am so glad to have you on board.’

  ‘Do you really mean that?’ Christina lowered her eyes and Rake saw that he was gaining the upper hand. He knew that he was good at handling women and he continued, confident of victory.

  ‘You are very pretty, you know that?’ He cupped her face in his hands and looked deep into her eyes. ‘I have faith in you; I know that you can do this.’ Then he stroked her cheek softly, leaned forward and held her for a long while before finally getting up and pulling her up from the sofa too.

  ‘I’m going to be with you the whole time. You can trust me,’ he said, kissing her on the cheek. Then he led her amicably all the way to the door. />
  When Christina got back to her room she lay awake a long time with her hands on her chest. With a smile she thought about how sweet Rake had been, and how lovely it had felt when he had embraced her. But when it came to stealing … her parents had been Pentecostalists, always preaching the importance of righteousness. Should she just abandon that now? Every single Sunday they had made her go to church. It had been boring, and if it hadn’t been for the music it would have been unbearable. In her home town so much of life seemed to be about going to church and doing everything right. When the huge Lake Vättern shone like silver without a ripple on the surface, she had believed that God was in a good mood and was stopping the waves. But when there was a storm and waves sputtered against the shore, she was afraid that He was angry and would come and punish her. Her mother and father had said that God would punish her if she did something stupid—and she often did. At the thought of these memories, Christina couldn’t help but smile to herself there in the dark.

  Her parents had run a fabric shop and hoped that she would take over. And perhaps that might have come about if she hadn’t fallen in love with Ollie, the tenor in the church choir. He always wanted them to go to the old Brahehus Castle and look at the view across Lake Vättern. The ruins were fascinating, with their thick walls and empty black eyes for windows. They frightened her and tempted her—as did Ollie. After just a few visits, he pulled her down behind some bushes and she lost her virginity. Just like now, she had been unable to resist doing something new and exciting. But when she became pregnant, her parents forced her to marry him. Things had admittedly gone well for Ollie and they had a lot of money during all their years together. But the marriage was never a happy one, and after years as a housewife it was a relief when the children grew up and she finally got a divorce. After that, she opened a milliner’s shop with the money from the settlement, and her new life proved much more rewarding. She studied literature and there was the choir and her friends. It had been such fun. Christina closed her eyes and thought about Rake. If he became a criminal, she would too. It was like those outings to the old Brahehus Castle. Something forbidden and exciting …

  Thirteen

  The League of Pensioners had finished their morning meeting, at which Martha and Brains had revealed the new plan to the others. Everyone had been supportive of the idea, so now it was time for Martha and Brains to get going. Brains got out his pliers, a length of electrical wire, some silver tape and a tube of quick-drying glue. He put them all into a white plastic bag which fit easily into the spacious pocket of his bathrobe and couldn’t be seen. He looked at his watch. In five minutes he had a rendezvous with Martha down in the spa.

  In the elevator, Martha went over the robbery plans again. The various phases had been carefully thought out, and the only thing that worried her was that Brains might get electrocuted and drop dead when he short-circuited the wires. The receptionist looked up when Martha walked into the spa’s reception area.

  ‘One towel, please,’ Martha said.

  ‘Right. I see you already have a bathrobe,’ the girl said as she turned towards the shelves where the towels lay. That very same moment, Brains slipped past and disappeared into the men’s change room with his bag. The receptionist handed over a large white towel.

  ‘So delightfully soft,’ said Martha, pressing it against her cheek. The girl behind the counter handed over a plastic card for the safe.

  ‘When you’ve put your valuables in the safe, you engage the lock by holding the card against it. And when you want to get your things out again, you just hold the card against the lock, and the box will open.’

  ‘How clever.’ Martha smiled. She hoped that her behaviour was exactly the same as normal and that the receptionist couldn’t detect the nervous beating of her heart.

  The change room was brightly lit and a gentle, sweet aroma hung in the air. A dark-haired woman was getting changed, and a bit further away, Martha saw another woman come out of the shower. Otherwise the room was empty. This early in the morning, only a few of the safes were occupied. Martha showered, put on her bathing suit and went into the pool. But she didn’t have time to swim more than a few strokes before the lights started flashing. She stopped, got out of the pool and went back to the change room. There, the lamps were all off and it took a while before the lights came back on again. She tried her plastic card. She couldn’t open the box with it. She smiled to herself, put on her bathrobe and went out to reception again. The lights were on there.

  ‘My safe won’t open,’ said Martha.

  ‘We’ll fix it,’ the receptionist answered.

  ‘But where shall I put my valuables?’

  ‘You can leave them here,’ said the receptionist, and she pointed to the storage cupboard right behind her, a robust white-painted metal one. ‘But surely your things are already locked away in your safe?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I’d forgotten,’ said Martha.

  ‘Well, how was it?’ Anna-Greta wondered a few moments later when Martha had returned to the suite. She and Christina had not yet finished breakfast and were still sitting in their dressing gowns. Christina held up Martha’s knitting.

  ‘This was on the sofa. For once could you just finish your knitting so that we could dare to sit down without getting pierced?’

  ‘Sorry, I always forget. It’s going to be a cardigan,’ Martha said as she tidied away the yarn and knitting needles. She poured a cup of coffee for herself. There were no limitations here, so she could drink as many cups as she liked.

  ‘When the safes didn’t work, the receptionist put the valuables in the storage cupboard behind her, just as we thought,’ said Martha.

  ‘Good. How many valuables will fit in there?’ Anna-Greta wanted to know.

  ‘Quite a lot,’ said Martha vaguely.

  Christina looked sceptical, took a chocolate wafer and waved it in her hand.

  ‘You seem satisfied, but we have made a big mistake,’ she said. ‘We came here to steal from the rich, but have ourselves occupied the most expensive suites.’

  There was silence for a few moments as Christina’s words sank in.

  ‘It isn’t easy being a crook for the first time,’ Martha said defensively, and she, too, helped herself to a chocolate wafer. Times like this justified some chocolate.

  ‘We ought to have booked another room and waited until a really big star came along, a rich, famous artiste, a king or a president,’ Christina maintained.

  ‘It’s a lot to think about at our age—being on the run as well as committing a robbery. We have to take one step a time,’ said Martha.

  ‘But on the upside, the price of gold is high at the moment. Three thick gold bracelets would be a hundred thousand kronor straight away,’ said Anna-Greta, proud to show off her speedy mental arithmetic.

  ‘Don’t forget that the robbery needs to be big enough to get us into prison,’ Christina pointed out. After realizing that Rake thought prison really was a good idea, Christina was now much keener on it.

  ‘We’ll go down to the spa at lunchtime when it’s crowded. The storage cupboard in reception will be bulging with gold by then,’ said Martha.

  The others agreed. When they were dressed, Martha went down to see Brains for a final run-through. He showed her his drawings.

  ‘This is where I have short-circuited it,’ he said, putting his finger on the paper. ‘It’ll be a while before anybody finds the break in the circuit of the safes,’ he went on, pointing at some strange-looking lines. ‘And the wiring to the pool and the steam room is only temporarily repaired. Two seconds flat, and I can cut off the lot. Duct tape is fantastic!’ He looked so delighted that Martha was reminded of a boy in front of a video game.

  ‘And what if things don’t go according to plan?’

  ‘Something could go wrong, but if it does, then we simply need to make a new plan. And I’ve got some spare tools as well,’ he answered, putting his hand on the sports bag.

  There was a knock on the door and Rake came
in. He looked sleepy and smelt of garlic. He caught sight of the two small plastic bags that lay on the table.

  ‘Be careful with the herbs,’ he said, but didn’t get any further before there was more knocking on the door. It was Christina and Anna-Greta.

  ‘All set, then,’ Martha said, trying to make her voice steady. ‘Now all we have to do is wait for lunchtime.’

  They all nodded and looked very serious.

  Fourteen

  A few hours later they all took the elevator and went down to the spa together. Martha kept patting the pockets of the white bathrobe, where she was keeping the bags of powder. She looked at Brains out of the corner of her eye. He had put one of the hotel towels on top of everything else in his bag so that the tools were hidden. He looked so exhilarated. Like a little child who was about to do some mischief. And truth be told, that’s exactly how Martha felt too.

  For the sake of appearances, they showered and spent some time in the swimming pool. They splashed around while they waited for the number of people using the pool to increase. Anna-Greta kept on encouraging the others to be patient.

  ‘It could mean another piece of jewellery,’ she insisted as soon as anyone suggested they should get going. In the end, Brains said he couldn’t wait another minute, then he leaned against Martha and whispered: ‘Have you got the bags?’

  She nodded.

  ‘When the lights flicker, get the powder out and pour it into the steam nozzle. Do it quickly so that nobody notices.’