The Awkward Path to Getting Lucky
Page 32
I pull in a deep breath and let it out. “Okay. This is fine. What did he say, Shannon?”
She looks up at us, tears falling down her cheeks, and shakes her head. “We got it.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I say, my hand locking into a vise grip on Ben’s.
Shannon erupts with a huge sob that rebounds off the stainless steel and reverberates through the entire kitchen. “We got the contract. They thought the spun sugar basketball hoops weren’t sensible and that the strawberries would just end up costing the concessions department more overall since they would be out of season during the games. The committee thought our cakes were well-thought-out and matched up with the branding of the university.”
“We...” Butter stammers, still clutching Liz. “We got the contract?”
Shannon is sobbing harder. “We got it. It’s ours.”
Butter unleashes an unholy bellowing cheer that will echo across the universe until the end of time. It’s so loud Ben actually jumps. She yanks Liz into a bear hug, jumping up and down, ignoring whether Liz wants to participate or not.
Shannon leans against her station and ugly-cries in the way only a woman who has been holding on to a life’s dream and just witnessed it come to pass could. I walk forward and hug my best friend as tightly as I can, letting her sniffle all over my shoulder, and try to decipher the incoherent excited babble she’s letting fly.
“We did a great job,” I say again, patting her on the back.
She squeezes me tight, sucking in shuddering gasps of air, and I think of her telling Joe the news. And the kids’ faces when she tells them they get to go to Walt Disney World sometime this year.
Butter and Liz come over and jump into the hug. Well, Butter comes over, and she’s still dragging Liz, so.
“I get to go see my Noni,” Butter squeals.
“Have you picked a honeymoon spot?” I ask Liz, who is looking pretty red in the face.
She gasps for air but clings to us anyway. “We hadn’t because we didn’t want to get our hopes up. I can’t believe we get to take one now!”
“And we’ll have a new employee to cover for all of us when we go places!” Shannon hiccups through her sobs. She dissolves into hysterics again, and I can’t really make out what she says next. But it’s a happy babble.
I move out of the way and let the group smooshing continue as I step back to admire my people. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Shannon this emotional.
Turning around, I see Ben standing quietly by the desk, enjoying the moment.
“Congratulations,” he says, smiling. “I never doubted you guys.”
“Why, thank you.” I’m beaming. “You know, this is a pretty good day.” I walk over and wrap my arms around his waist.
“I’d like to think it’s going to get even better. I could take you dancing tonight,” he offers, the corner of his mouth pulled up slightly. “I did promise, after all. Perfect for celebrating your contract, and it would be a very official date activity.”
He pulls his finger down the front of my apron, and I’m once again compelled to throw him down on my station and have at it, health codes be damned.
Ben without the constraints of rules is delightfully touchy. Oh, the weeks I’ve wasted.
I smooth down the lapels of his jacket. “While that sounds magnificent, honestly, everything has been so go, go, go lately. What sounds more wonderful right now is a weekend of you and me spending an entire day in bed, binge-watching something on Netflix and eating takeout, all while theoretically naked. Would it be okay if we kept things low-key?”
His face lights up like a little kid on Christmas morning, his eyes genuinely gleeful and sparkling. “Is it too soon to propose? Because I’m deeply considering it at the moment.”
I grin. “Maybe a tad. But in the meantime, tell me more about what’s under this just-scratched surface. I’m intrigued.”
He leans down and kisses me on the forehead. “I’ll go into great detail tonight, I promise. In the meantime, I think we both have a few more hours of work to survive.”
I sigh and lean against his chest. “That’s cruel, really.”
“Indeed.” After a beat, he asks, “I’m curious, though. Do you really have to make a penis cake?”
“Several. And seventy-five vagina cupcakes.”
My head bounces when he laughs. “You have the best job.”
He’s not wrong.
* * * * *
The Awkward Path to Getting Lucky
Summer Heacock
Recipes
Recipes
The Best of Cup My Cakes
Shannon says it’s always good to show off our baking skills to customers, but alas, I’ve not yet mastered how to jump through these pages to deliver fresh batches of cuppies to you, dear reader. Though honestly, with my newfound penchant for perving up confections, you might consider yourself lucky.
However, as Butter’s creations aren’t to be missed, I’ve included a few of her very best recipes here. Set your tit-cannons to stun and dive in.
May your buttercreams always be fluffy and your necks perpetually glittered.
Coconut Cuppies with Pineapple Curd and Candied Bacon
Ingredients (makes 24)
Pineapple Curd
4 large egg yolks
1/2 cup pineapple juice
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into pieces
Cuppies
1 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 cup coconut flour*
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter, melted
1 cup sugar
4 eggs
3/4 cup coconut milk
Meringue Buttercream
2 cups sugar, divided
2/3 cup water
5 large egg whites
pinch salt (optional)
pinch cream of tartar (optional)
2 cups butter (4 sticks), cubed, room temperature
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Candy thermometer
Candied Bacon
1 lb. bacon
1 1/2 teaspoons ground black pepper
1/3 cup packed light brown sugar
* Coconut flour is just unsweetened, finely ground coconut. If you can’t find any, or it’s absurdly expensive, definitely grind up your own!
Instructions
For Curd:
In a large, stainless steel or heatproof bowl, combine the egg yolks, juice, sugar and salt. Whisk until well combined. Set the bowl over a saucepan of simmering water and cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens. (Watch out for scrambled eggs!) It should be the consistency of regular (not Greek) yogurt. This can take up to ten minutes, depending on how hot your simmering water is.
Remove from heat. If necessary, strain the curd through a fine mesh sieve. Stir in the butter until it is fully melted and mixed in. Cover with plastic wrap, pressing down on the surface of the curd to prevent a skin from forming. Refrigerate until cold. The curd will thicken as it cools.
The curd will keep for up to ten days stored in an airtight container in the refrigerator and can be made in advance.
For Cuppies:
Preheat oven to 350˚F. Line two twelve-muffin tins with liners.
In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, coconut flour*, baking powder and salt. Set aside.
Using a hand mixer or stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat together the butter and sugar on medium-high speed until thick and paler in color, a
pproximately 2–3 minutes. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.
Alternately add the flour and coconut milk, mixing on low speed. Add the next addition when your batter is streaky; if you wait too long, you will overmix by the time you’ve added the remaining ingredients. Try folding in the last bit of flour with a spatula to avoid overbeating.
Divide batter among lined muffin cups, filling each cup about 2/3 full.
Bake in preheated oven for 15–20 minutes. Start checking around 12 minutes to keep from drying out!
Immediately remove from tins to a wire rack to cool completely.
For Meringue Buttercream:
Timing is everything here, so premeasure your ingredients and have them ready to go. Make sure your mixing bowl is clean and free of any residual fat, or your meringue won’t whip up, and you will cry Kat’s real Jesus tears.
Mix half of the sugar with the water in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Stir just until the sugar dissolves. When the pan heats up, brush around the sides of the pot with a clean pastry brush or folded paper towel dipped in water to dissolve any sugar crystals stuck to the sides of the pot.
When your sugar starts to bubble, begin whipping your egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer with the whisk attachment. You can add a pinch of salt and/or cream of tartar for stability if desired. When your eggs begin to look frothy, slowly begin adding the second half of the sugar, whipping constantly on medium-high.
Continue whipping your egg whites until they form stiff peaks. Ideally, your meringue should reach stiff peaks at the same time that your sugar syrup reaches 235˚F.
Turn your mixer up to high and very slowly pour the sugar syrup down the side of the bowl. Do not hit the whisk, and try to pour it all down in the same spot, as it will solidify as soon as it touches the bowl.
Keep whipping the meringue on high until it forms stiff peaks.
When the bowl feels just slightly warm, switch to the paddle attachment and begin adding your room-temperature butter one cube at a time.
Continue to beat the butter in on medium-high speed until the buttercream is smooth and there are no remaining chunks of butter. Add the vanilla and (if desired) switch back to the whisk attachment for extra fluffiness!
For Candied Bacon:
Preheat oven to 350˚F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper. Place a wire rack on top of each sheet.
Combine black pepper and brown sugar in a shallow dish.
Dredge bacon on both sides with brown sugar mixture.
Place bacon in a single layer on the two racks.
Bake in preheated oven until bacon is crisp and browned, about 25–30 minutes, flipping bacon halfway through for even cooking. (Start checking around the 12-minute mark on each side to avoid overcooking.)
Cut/break into cuppie-topper sizes, about 11/2 inches each.
For the Assembly:
Cut a hole in the top of each cupcake with a paring knife and fill each with about 2 teaspoons of pineapple curd. (The more you can cram in there, the better.)
Fit a piping bag with a tip of your choosing, fill with frosting and pipe on the desired amount of buttercream. (Less is more with this frosting, unlike the pineapple curd.)
Top each filled and frosted cuppie with a piece of candied bacon.
Butter’s Legendary Crème Brûlée Cuppies
Ingredients (makes 12)
Pastry Cream
1 cup heavy cream
2/3 cup milk
1/2 cup granulated sugar, divided
1/8 tsp salt
1/2 vanilla bean
4 large egg yolks
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
Cuppies
11/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick), room temperature
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 large egg, room temperature
2 large egg whites, room temperature
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup whole milk
Topping
Granulated sugar, approximately 1/2 cup
Butane torch
Whipped cream (optional)
24 fresh raspberries or strawberry slices (optional)
Instructions
For Pastry Cream:
In a medium saucepan, heat heavy cream, milk, 6 tablespoons sugar, salt and the seeds from half a vanilla bean (along with the vanilla bean pod) over medium heat. Bring mixture just to a gentle simmer, stirring occasionally (watch closely to prevent vigorous boiling).
In a mixing bowl, whisk together egg yolks and 2 tablespoons sugar until blended. Add cornstarch to egg yolk mixture and mix until well combined and slightly pale and fluffy. Take about 1/2 cup of the hot cream mixture from the pan, and while vigorously whisking, temper the egg yolk mixture (watch out for scrambled eggs!) by slowly pouring in hot cream mixture about 1 tablespoon at a time.
Reduce burner temperature to medium-low. While whisking hot cream mixture in saucepan, slowly add in egg yolk mixture. Cook mixture, whisking constantly, until thickened (allow it to boil for approximately 30 seconds to cook out any starchy flavor). Immediately force mixture through a fine mesh strainer into a bowl. Mix in 1 tablespoon butter.
Cover with plastic wrap, pressing directly against surface of pastry cream to prevent skin from forming. Chill thoroughly, at least 2 hours. (Can be made up to 24 hours in advance.)
For Cuppies:
Preheat oven to 350˚F. Line twelve-muffin tin with liners.
In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.
In the bowl of an electric stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, whip butter and granulated sugar until pale and fluffy. Mix in egg, followed by egg whites, and vanilla.
Alternately add the flour and milk, mixing on low speed. Add the next addition when your batter is streaky; if you wait too long, you will overmix by the time you’ve added the remaining ingredients. Try folding in the last bit of flour with a spatula to avoid overbeating.
Divide batter among lined muffin cups, filling each cup about 2/3 full.
Bake in preheated oven for 21–24 minutes until toothpick inserted into center of cupcake comes out clean.
Immediately remove from tins to a wire rack to cool completely.
For the Assembly:
Pipe or spread chilled pastry cream evenly over cooled cupcakes.
Working with one cupcake at a time, sprinkle entirety of pastry cream with sugar, approximately 2 teaspoons of sugar per cupcake. Or gently press custard side of cuppie onto a plate of sugar. (Kind of like salting a margarita glass, but cover the entire surface of the custard.)
Using a kitchen torch, carefully heat sugar until it begins to melt and caramelize.
Once completely cooled, garnish with a dollop of whipped cream and a raspberry or strawberry slice, if desired. Serve immediately.
Coopertown Ravens Red Velvet Cuppies
Ingredients (makes 24)
Cuppies
3 eggs, room temperature
3/4 cups unsalted butter (1 1/2 sticks), room temperature
3 cups flour
2 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 1/4 cups sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
2 tablespoons red food coloring
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons vinegar
Dark Chocolate Fudge Frosting
1 cup unsalted butter (2 sticks), room temperature
4 tablespoons cream cheese
1/2 cup dark chocolate cocoa
1/2 cup regular unsweetened cocoa
5 cups confectioner’s sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons vanilla
3/4 cup heavy cream
Topping
Gold edible glitter
Instructions
For Cuppies:
Preheat oven to 350˚F. Line two twelve-muffin tins with liners.
In medium bowl, whisk together the flour, cocoa powder and salt. Set aside.
Place butter in a separate mixing bowl and beat with an electric or stand mixer on medium speed for 30 seconds. Add sugar and vanilla and continue to beat until all the ingredients are incorporated together.
Add eggs one at a time, beating after each egg addition until fully incorporated.
Add the food coloring and beat on low speed until combined.
Alternately add the flour and buttermilk, mixing on low speed. Add the next addition when your batter is streaky; if you wait too long, you will overmix by the time you’ve added the remaining ingredients. Try folding in the last bit of flour with a spatula to avoid overbeating.
Place the baking soda in a small bowl and stir in the vinegar.
Add the mixture to the batter and beat on low speed until just combined.
Divide batter among lined muffin cups, filling each cup about 2/3 full.
Bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.
Immediately remove from tins to a wire rack to cool completely. Fit a piping bag with tip of your choosing, fill with frosting and pipe on the desired amount of dark chocolate fudge frosting. Finish with a Butter-sized sprinkling of gold edible glitter on each cuppie.
For Dark Chocolate Fudge Frosting: