His Guilt

by Shelley Shepard Gray

“Anything you want to talk about is fine.”

  “Except your brother. Or Lora’s visit. Or why the sheriff wanted to talk to you. Or Amy Miller’s attack.”

  “You’re right. I have a lot to learn about conversation. I promise I’m trying, though.”

  Remembering Amy’s parting words about acting holier than thou, Waneta said, “I have things I’m working on, too, Mark.”

  His gaze warmed. It was obvious that he was grateful that she had let him off so easy. Kicking one of his legs out, he said, “So, did you end up going over to see Amy?”

  “I did.”

  “I’m sure you brought her a lot of comfort.”

  “Not so much. We ended up arguing.”

  “What about?”

  “About her. Me. And some things that don’t matter.”

  “I guess you are getting as good as I am about keeping things hidden.”

  “Not really,” said Waneta. “Though, I am finding it hard to be open and honest with someone who doesn’t want to act the same way. I wouldn’t say you’ve been difficult. But you do have me confused.”

  “I’m not surprised. I have been prickly about a lot of things, haven’t I?”

  “Yes. But that’s your business, Mark. Not mine.”

  “No. I said I really like you, but now I’m not hardly giving you anything back. Ask me anything and I’ll try to answer as best I can.”

  She was disappointed. She felt like he was making her do the choosing about delving into his personal life. It hardly seemed fair.

  Instead, she kicked her legs out and said, “I remember when I was twelve and you were sixteen.”

  “Let’s see. That means I was out of school and working for Henry.”

  “Jah. You were.” She smiled softly. “I was walking home and was having quite a time carrying all of my things. I got to take Miss Edith’s rat home for the weekend.”

  He chuckled. “I’d forgotten all about that rat. Everyone sure loved it.”

  “Jah, they did. I couldn’t wait to be chosen to be the lucky girl who got to take the rat home. Anyway, when my weekend came, I had my hands full on the way home. I had a time juggling it all and kept stopping to catch my breath and rearrange my books, that cage, and my lunch pail. Then, just when you walked by, everything but the rat tumbled to the ground.”

  Remembering the moment as if it was yesterday, she looked at him. “I was so frustrated with myself and embarrassed, I almost started crying. But all you did was kneel down, pick up all my books, and offer to see me home.”

  “I wish I could tell you that I remember that afternoon, but I don’t.” Looking off into the distance, he said, “I’m even trying to remember why I would have been walking along that road at that time, when I was sixteen.”

  “It was because of Calvin. You used to walk Calvin home, which he constantly complained about.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Looking reflective, he said, “I remember that day now. Calvin had just run off a couple of days before. I had forgotten until I watched everyone walk out the schoolhouse door and he didn’t appear.” Smiling at her, he said, “I didn’t think you were ever going to let me hold that cage, Waneta.”

  “I didn’t want you to. I thought you would take it from me.”

  “You thought I’d steal it?”

  Oh, but he sounded indignant! “Maybe,” she teased. “All I could think about was how much everyone else had wanted to take the creature home. But I was the one Miss Edith had picked.”

  He laughed. “Miss Edith would have never let Calvin or me take it home. She didn’t trust us.”

  “With good reason. You took pencils.”

  He shrugged. “We needed pencils. It weren’t like our father was going to spend his money on school supplies. Miss Edith knew that, too, but she never seemed to care.”

  Waneta gulped. This conversation strand wasn’t going well, either. It was time to get to the point. “The reason I brought it up was because you said something to me when we were walking side by side.”

  “What did I say that was worth remembering?”

  “You said that you’d never met another girl who tried so hard to be good.” She was somewhat pleased that her voice didn’t tremble when she said that.

  But instead of looking touched by the memory, he pressed a palm to his face. Like he was embarrassed. “I was a jerk.”

  “You were a jerk a lot of the time, Mark,” she agreed. “But not then. That day? You were kind. You also told me that the rat was probably going to have the best weekend of its life with me.”

  The corners of his mouth lifted. “I bet I wasn’t wrong.”

  “I don’t know if you were right or wrong. What’s important is that I didn’t understand what you meant back then. I do now. It was a lovely compliment.”

  “You are a nice person, Waneta. You’ve always been that way. You’ve got a good heart.”

  “You do, too.”

  “Not really.”

  “Why did you come back, Mark? Was it really because of the house?”

  “Partly. But also because of Henry. He got a talking-to from his physician. The man said Henry ain’t resting enough and needed to stop trying to do too much.”

  “So you came to help.”

  “I did. I know he appreciates you, Waneta, but he needs someone to take care of the hard labor and the heavy lifting. I aim to get him to let me do more and more as the weeks go by. I’m hoping that soon he’ll only work a couple of days a week.”

  “He must be so glad you came back to help him.”

  “So far, I don’t think so. Since I’ve come back, I’ve gotten the impression that everything around Horse Cave has started to fall apart.”

  “Hardly.”

  “Amy Miller was just attacked.” He raised his eyebrows. “That wasn’t good.”

  “I agree. But just because something awful happened since you returned doesn’t mean we haven’t had our share of drama around here from time to time. Believe me, bad things have happened in the county even when you were gone. Why, a girl was kidnapped and tied up in a basement over in Munfordville a couple of months ago!”

  He sighed. “I hear you. But I still feel like I’ve given Henry a new set of problems.”

  “Even if you have, I hope you won’t add them to your burdens. I think Henry can handle most anything.”

  “I think he can, too. But that doesn’t mean he should have to.” Mark took a deep breath. “Waneta, when Calvin showed up at Blooms and Berries, I was very upset.”

  She could tell that he was really struggling to hold on to his composure. And that he was trying his best to reveal his feelings in an honest and forthright way. It made her want to try to help him as much as she could, even though she feared she was hopelessly incapable of really helping a man who’d already suffered through so many personal tragedies.

  “That was understandable,” she said slowly. “You didn’t want to see him.”

  “You’re right. I didn’t. And though that is something I haven’t quite come to terms with, it wasn’t the only reason I was angry with him.” After taking a deep breath, he said, “It was because he was playing with me. Playing with all of us. I hate that he is involving you in his games.”

  “How so?”

  “He could have come to the house at any time. But he was picking to come to the nursery because he wanted you and Henry to see him. He wanted other customers to see me talking to him.”

  “Why would he care about that?”

  “He doesn’t want to see me. He only wants me to sell the house and give him half the money.”

  “Would you do that?”

  “On my good days, I think of course not. I don’t want to leave. On my not so good days, I think that selling the house wouldn’t solve either of our problems.”

  “And on others?”

  “On other days? I want to pack up my duffel and take off. Get as far away from here as I possibly can.”

  “I hope you don’t do that.”

&nbs
p; Some of the chill faded from his eyes. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

  “I do.” After weighing what she was about to say for a moment, she decided to simply speak her mind. “Forgive me, but I think there’s another reason you came back here, Mark. I think the Lord needed you to come back and deal with all the hurts and problems that have been plaguing you for so long. I think He knows you won’t really be happy until you are able to look your brother, your house, and everyone who was so quick to judge you in the eye.”

  “That’s easy to suggest but a lot harder to do.”

  She was just relieved he hadn’t thrown her suggestion back in her face. “I bet it is,” she agreed easily.

  “And what do you think I should say to everyone? What do you think I should say to Calvin when I talk to him again?”

  “I canna answer that.” Even she knew one couldn’t tell someone else that they needed to accept their apology or grant forgiveness. That had to be something that was decided on all by oneself.

  “Waneta. You canna just offer me some advice? Tell me what you really think I should do.”

  “I don’t know what words you need to say. But more importantly, I don’t think I’m supposed to know them. Only you and God know.” She squirmed under his gaze. “I know I’m probably not helping, but I wanted to tell you what I thought. I really do think God has brought you back here to heal.”

  His gaze sharpened. “What about you?”

  “Me?”

  “Jah. If the Lord wants me to see all the people I hoped I never saw again, and to make peace with them, too . . . what do you think He wants me to do with people like you?”

  “Like me?” She could practically feel her skin turning a deep shade of pink.

  “Jah,” he murmured, still staring at her intently. “Waneta, do you think I should follow my instinct and see where our relationship leads? Or—” He stopped abruptly.

  But she needed to hear his thoughts. “Or?”

  “Or wait until everything in my life is peaceful again?”

  She felt deflated and more than a little let down. “Mark, when you say things like that, I always find it confusing. I never know if you are teasing or being completely serious.”

  “I’m serious. I wouldn’t joke about you and me.”

  “You sound mighty sure about that.”

  “I am. I waited too long to have a moment like this. There’s no way I’m going to give it up without a fight.”

  She wasn’t sure if he thought she would be fighting him or if everyone around them were.

  But maybe it didn’t matter. All that did matter was that they were now trusting each other enough to build the beginnings of a relationship.

  That in itself was something for which to be grateful.

  CHAPTER 20

  Thursday, August 11

  He was in her station. Standing over by one of the back counters.

  Lora studied Deputy Beck. He was dressed in a pair of faded jeans that were frayed at the edges, flip-flops, and a snug-fitting weathered gray T-shirt. He looked far different than he did in his usual khaki-colored uniform. Younger. Maybe even more approachable.

  Bill’s wife, Mia, had just seated him in one of the booths by the west wall. He was halfheartedly looking at the menu. And far more intently looking around the diner.

  Instinctively, Lora knew he was looking for her.

  The question, of course, was why. Had he felt the same little zing of awareness that she’d felt every time they’d talked as well? Or had something else happened and he needed to ask her about it?

  “Are you going to go wait on our customer, Lora, or expect him to serve himself?” Bill said from the other side of the kitchen window.

  “I’m going. Sorry, Bill.”

  “No apology needed. That just ain’t like you, watching and waiting. You are usually far more eager.”

  She couldn’t deny that. While most of the other girls who worked there were always dreaming about the day they worked somewhere else, Lora actually liked her job.

  Here, at Bill’s Diner, she’d found a home of sorts. Bill and Mia were good to her, making her feel like she mattered to them. She also felt a lot of pride in her work. At Bill’s she felt in control. She knew how to manage her time and how to manage her customers. She was good at waitressing, too. She always got the most tips and the most requests from regulars for her section.

  The other girls said it was because of her usual attire of snug tank tops and the way her dark-blond hair hung in waves down her back.

  Lora knew her popularity was because she took care of her customers. Young or old, Amish or English, local or tourist, she made it her mission to make sure they were glad they’d come to Bill’s.

  Which was why it really wasn’t like her to keep Deputy Beck waiting.

  Grabbing a pitcher of water, she hurried over to him. “Hey, Deputy Beck. I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I guess I was asleep on my feet. Water?”

  “Sure.” He smiled up at her as she poured. “How are you today?”

  “Just fine. You?”

  “Not exactly terrific, but I’m all right, too.”

  His honesty made some of her professional armor falter. “I hope everything is okay.”

  “It will be.” He smiled again. This time the corners of his eyes crinkled a bit.

  She tried not to be affected. “Do you know what you want to order?”

  “I can’t decide.” Studying the menu, he said, “What is your favorite? The tuna melt or the cheeseburger?”

  “Both are good.”

  “Which one do you eat more often?”

  “Neither of them. I usually get a salad or something.”

  “Ah. You’re a healthy eater.”

  When did his order become centered around her? “I’m a girl who likes fitting into her jeans.”

  Lowering his menu, he slowly eyed her from head to toe. “I guess a server here does have to practice some serious willpower.”

  “If I didn’t, I’d gain ten pounds every month.”

  “Nah, you’d just have to go running with me every morning.”

  It sounded like he was turning their acquaintance into a relationship. And the way he was smiling at her! It was so direct. Just like she meant something to him.

  Nervously, she glanced behind her, hoping none of the other girls heard him talk to her like that. She wouldn’t live it down for weeks. “Deputy, most people really like Bill’s cheeseburgers. I don’t think you could go wrong there.”

  “I’ll have one of those, then. And a strawberry shake.” He winked. “I’m living on the edge today.”

  In spite of how agitated she felt around him, she laughed. “I’ll get that order in and bring you your shake in a jiffy.”

  “Thanks.” He smiled, then started fussing with his cell phone.

  When she turned, Lora realized her fears had come true. She’d been watched. The other servers, Mia, and Bill had watched the interplay between her and the deputy. All four of them were grinning like Christmas had come early.

  Ignoring their speculative glances, Lora rushed back and turned in the order, then started scooping ice cream for the shake.

  But just as she had known it would happen, Meredith joined her at the counter. “Boy, he never talks to me like that when I take his order.”

  “Maybe he’s in a chatty mood today,” Lora replied, hoping she sounded far calmer than she felt.

  Then Christine came over, too, turned, and stared at him boldly. “Do you know him?”

  No way was she going to share that he’d questioned her. “Kind of.” As she added strawberry powder and a cup of milk to the blender, she lowered her voice. “Turn around, would you?”

  Christine did as Lora asked. “What does ‘kind of’ mean? Have y’all gone out? Are you dating?”

  If Lora had been sipping water, she would have choked on it. “No.”

  “Do you want to? Because it sure looks like he does.”

  Feeling even more
flustered, Lora jabbed at one of the buttons on the blender. “I need to get this out to him and check on my other customers.”

  Meredith chuckled. “Okay. I get the hint. I was just going to tell you that I hoped you were. You’d make a cute couple.”

  If she only knew! Quickly, she poured the mixture into a tall glass and brought it to the deputy. “Enjoy the shake. Your burger should be up soon.”

  “No hurry. I’m fine just sitting here.”

  Lora smiled weakly as she checked on her three other customers, collected a tip from a fourth, and helped get the door for a mom holding a cranky toddler.

  “Order up,” Bill called out.

  Getting the deputy’s plate, she brought it to him. “Here you go, Deputy Beck. Enjoy.”

  “Any chance you can sit with me for a sec?”

  “I’m working.”

  “I know. But if you get a break or something?”

  Dread settled in. “Did anything else happen?”

  “Beyond Amy Miller getting attacked? No.” Looking at her intently, he said, “See if you can take a break, though, would you?”

  In spite of herself, she nodded. Unsure of what to do, she checked on her only other customer, an older man who was one of her regulars. As usual, he was eating a dish of chicken fried steak while reading his book. Other than making sure his glass of iced tea was filled, he wasn’t going to need anything for at least another fifteen minutes.

  “Go sit down,” Mia said.

  Looking at her boss’s wife, she sighed. “You heard?”

  “Christine did, who informed me,” she whispered. “Now, go sit down and take a break for fifteen. I’ll keep an eye on Mr. Granger.”

  Out of excuses, Lora walked back to Deputy Beck’s booth and sat down. He was about halfway through his cheeseburger. When he looked up at her, she smiled awkwardly. “I decided to take that break now. I have fifteen minutes.”

  “Good.” After sipping some water, he leaned back against the red vinyl seat. “I wanted to see how you’ve been doing since we talked.”

  She shrugged. “I’ve been all right.”

  “Honestly?”

  “Deputy Beck, I’m not sure how to answer you. Are you here on business? Am I in trouble?”

  “I’m here because I care how you’re doing.”