Sweethearts Old

by Rachel A Andersen

  He inhaled and grabbed his keys. He knew what he needed to do.

  TABITHA WAS SILENT as she walked beside him in the park. Thanks to the rain earlier, they had the place almost to themselves as moisture beaded on every surface.

  Declan guided her to the pavilion which provided a gorgeous view of the Rocky Mountains and the lake nearby, gratified that though the rain had come with wind, the seats on the center picnic table were dry. He lifted the paper takeout bag and handed Tabitha a warm, recyclable box. “Your spaghetti with meatballs.”

  He didn’t know if it was his mood or if it was the rain or if Helen had a chat with her, but Tabitha didn’t seem angry anymore. She wasn’t speaking to him, but her silence didn’t have the same razor-sharp edge it had even just this morning.

  She took the box and the plastic utensils he offered.

  He removed his lasagna, the breadsticks, and the salad they would share.

  “Mom used to take me to this park.”

  Her words caught him off-guard, and he hesitated as he lifted his long legs over the metal bar and onto the seat. “Yeah. I know.”

  “She enjoyed looking at the lake.”

  Declan looked over the scenery, that unfamiliar but entirely welcome peace still enveloping him. “Yeah, she did. She liked how beautiful things could be when we allowed them to grow and develop in peace.”

  Tabitha didn’t touch her food, just looked out over the landscape. “I made Grandma cry yesterday when I told her about you and Marissa.”

  Declan squeezed her shoulder. “That wasn’t just you, kiddo. I could have warned her.”

  His daughter lifted her eyes to meet his for the first time in over a day, and his newfound strength wavered at the pain he found in them. “Yeah, but I wanted to hurt her.”

  Declan grimaced, the admission a little too raw for his father’s heart. “Do you know why you wanted to hurt her?”

  Tabitha ducked her head in shame. “No.”

  He squeezed her shoulder. “Mom and I always told you it was wrong to hurt other people, didn’t we?”

  She nodded.

  Declan looked back over the landscape. “I think the reason you wanted to hurt her was because you wanted someone to hurt as much as you do. You miss your mom, and you didn’t think anyone else did. Didn’t think I did.”

  Tabitha looked down, and Declan was unsurprised to see a giant tear splash on her open palm.

  “That doesn’t make you a bad person, Tabs. It just makes you human, like the rest of us. Means you’re learning how to handle some big feelings.”

  He reached over and took her hand in his. “Do you know what I see when I look at you?”

  She used the heel of one palm to wipe at her eye as her head shook, rapidly.

  “I see your mom’s eyes. The way she could look at the most ordinary things and find beauty. I know it’s been a hard year, but I don’t think that’s gone away forever. I think that someday, it will come back like an old friend. Just when you need it most.”

  His thoughts turned to Marissa. To the way she’d come back into his life just when he needed her most. To the way she had picked up her violin after a grief-induced hiatus.

  He could only hope that this early brush with loss in Tabitha’s life would give way to the compassion Marissa had shown him in the last few weeks. Though Tabitha hadn’t been particularly fond of Marissa, Declan couldn't imagine a woman alive who was a more worthy role model for the growing girl.

  “Daddy?”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you going to marry Marissa?”

  Declan pulled his daughter closer and kissed the top of her head. “I don’t know, sweetheart. I know I want to get married again, and I know I want to be friends with Marissa again, but I don’t know if that means I’m going to marry her.”

  Tabitha stared at her dinner, processing.

  “It’s okay if you’re not ready for me to have a friend like Marissa. I’ll try to keep your feelings in mind, but part of being in a family is knowing that some things will change, even if we’re not ready for them to change.”

  Tabitha didn’t speak, just scooted closer to him as they watched the water.

  His heart filled with gratitude for this tiny step forward as he wrapped an arm around his daughter and looked out over the stillness of the valley.

  DECLAN’S FATHER-IN-law met him on the front steps as he and Tabitha approached his in-laws’ house. “Luke and Laney fell asleep here, would you mind if they sleep over tonight?”

  Declan shook his head. “That’s fine. I can bring a bag with clothes and things.”

  “Don’t bother. Helen already took care of that.”

  Declan should have known.

  Miles looked toward the van. “Tabitha’s welcome to stay too, if she’d like.”

  Declan let his keys fall to his side as he lost any sense of forward momentum. “I’ll let her know.”

  The girl, with an uncharacteristic shyness, stepped out of the van with her father’s help. He suspected she would try to apologize to her grandmother for her outburst. Though tempered by his emotional exhaustion, his heart swelled with pride for this daughter he loved so much.

  “Declan?”

  The thirty-eight-year-old turned back to his father-in-law, about to open the driver’s side door and go home to an empty house. “Yes?”

  The man with a full head of salt and pepper hair gestured over his shoulder. “Helen, she’s not angry. She’s just hurting. You know that, right?”

  “There’s a lot of that going around right now.”

  Miles nodded.

  Declan studied Angie’s father. The last year had not been kind to him as he processed his grief, but the lines on the older man’s face seemed to have been etched ever deeper in the last twenty-four hours. “How are you holding up?”

  The retired computer programmer sat on the stoop, looking every bit as worn out as Declan felt. “I’m gonna be honest, son, I’ve been better.”

  Declan passed his keys from hand to hand before he sat beside the older man.

  “When a young person dies, everyone worries about the mother and the spouse, if they had one. I don’t blame anyone for that, but sometimes, it feels like people forget I lost her, too.”

  Declan clapped a hand on his father-in-law’s back, not speaking as they sat in solidarity for several seconds.

  Miles cleared his throat, the way he did when he was uncomfortable with the silence. “Liam told me he was coming to see you.”

  Declan pulled his hand back and folded his hands in his lap. “Did he say what it was about?”

  Miles hesitated a moment before he nodded.

  Declan thought back to the video. Even given how well he knew his late wife, he’d been a little surprised by how generously she’d urged him to move on. “Your daughter was remarkable.”

  The corner of the older man’s mouth lifted in a sad smile. “This Marissa must be someone special if she’s helping you move forward.”

  Declan looked out over the lawn, unsure if he would ever get used to talking about a romantic interest with his in-laws. “She is. Maybe one of the few people who understands what it’s like for us right now.”

  “Angela would never forgive you if you used her as an excuse not to move on with your life. She loved you too much to ever try to drag you down.”

  Declan leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “I’m starting to realize that.”

  “Good. Take care of yourself.” Miles didn’t look at him, just patted Declan on the back before he headed inside.

  Declan lifted his head, his mind clearer than it had been in months. Still, he wanted a few more moments in the cool night air. “Good night.”

  The door stayed open a moment longer than Declan expected. “Just be happy, son. That’s all she would want for you.”

  Declan looked up into the cloudy night sky. He was getting that message loud and clear.

  Chapter Eleven

  Marissa

  Dread ex
panded in the pit of Marissa’s stomach as Aiden’s football game grew closer. It didn’t seem to matter how many bubble baths she took to soothe her soul. Attacking the weeds in her backyard had been cathartic, but still there was no peace.

  She found a fraction of comfort when she picked up her violin, but even then, the relief was temporary.

  Today, she would have to look her son in the eye and try to explain why Declan—as much as he cared about the eight-year-old—needed some time to heal his family and recover after the tremendous loss. Whether the boy would understand wasn’t in question. His empathy was powerful, even if it seemed understated and unsophisticated.

  No, what would break her heart would be the sadness and inevitability she would read on his face. Declan may have offered to explain things to the boy, but she had a feeling Aiden would need her somewhere along the line to process it all.

  All while she waded through her own disappointment.

  Karma seemed to be gunning for her. First, in watching Declan wrestle with an indescribable loss. Then, in stepping back so he could find his footing again.

  She hoped that age and experience had intensified these emotions in her. The thought that this might have been how nineteen-year-old Declan had felt when Marissa had ended things with him twenty years ago was almost too much for her to bear. As difficult as it was to walk through the occasional dark paths which came from life, it seemed doubly so to watch someone you loved walk through them, powerless to ease their suffering.

  “Mom, are you ready?”

  She looked up, surprised to see her son with his football gear in tow.

  “Is it time already?”

  He nodded. “Do you know when Mr. Pierce will get there?”

  She shook her head. They hadn’t even exchanged text messages since he’d called on Wednesday. She’d be forever grateful, however, for their trip to the donut shop. It had been the bridge of friendship which reminded her that this time apart was not precipitated by anger and twenty-year-old resentments. If they had to separate, she was glad for at least that much.

  Aiden glanced at his mom. “Are you okay?”

  She managed a thin smile as she grabbed her purse. “Not now, but I will be.”

  The drive to the football field was relatively short, but she still let Aiden out by the field before she parked. She turned to him as he prepared to exit the backseat. “Remember to do your best. That’s all I ask.”

  “And to be a good sport.”

  She caressed his face in one hand. “Exactly. No matter what happens, win or lose—”

  He shrugged off her affection, his cheeks turning pink. “I know. We’ll get ice cream either way.”

  All at once, the years seemed to pass too quickly before her eyes. “You’re growing up so fast.”

  Aiden shrugged his shoulder. “That’s what kids do, Mom.”

  “I’m proud of you, kiddo. We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve been through even more. You’re growing into an incredible young man.”

  Aiden shifted his weight, the football gear exaggerating the motion. “Hey, Mom?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can we save the mushy stuff for after the game?”

  Marissa waved him off with a soft chuckle. “Go. Have fun.”

  SHE TOOK A MOMENT TO collect herself in the car before she emerged. As she stepped out of the car, she caught sight of Declan across the parking lot, helping Luke out of the van.

  She’d either waited a moment too long or not long enough.

  It felt hard to breathe as Declan and Luke made their way to her, winding through the cars. She knew why it was important for them to take a break, so why couldn’t she convince her heart to get on board?

  “Hey, Marissa!”

  Luke waved at her, his natural enthusiasm radiating from his pudgy fingers.

  She hadn't known him long, but she was going to miss him almost as much as Aiden would.

  She managed a smile as she waved to the boy. “Are you excited about the game?”

  The boy’s head bobbed. “Uh huh.”

  She turned her attention back to Declan, who looked to any outsider like a proud father in his jeans and sweatshirt.

  Like he’d worn the last time they broke up. Funny the things which flew through one’s mind in moments like this.

  His fingers caught hold of her wrist, slightly limp but still present. “Hey.”

  How she could still be so shy around this man who probably knew her better in some ways than her own family was a mystery to her. Maybe it was the protective walls she’d built to shelter her heart today. If she wasn’t careful, her emotions might get messy. “Hi.”

  Without warning, Luke grabbed her other hand and tugged her toward the field. “Let’s get our seats.”

  A vice tightened in Marissa’s chest, and she pulled her hands out of Declan and Luke’s. The small boy looked up at her with wide, confused eyes, but she couldn’t explain. Just looked at Declan. “I’m sorry. I—I can’t.”

  Declan took a step closer to her, his hands on her face the way he placed them when he wanted to comfort her. When he intended to kiss her after whatever secret he wanted to tell her. “We need to talk.”

  The muscles in her jaw tensed as he leaned in to kiss her.

  Impulsively, she turned her cheek so his lips missed their mark.

  She blinked away tears as he pulled away. “You need space, Declan. I’m trying to give it to you. Please don’t make it harder than it already is.”

  He rubbed her cheek with his thumb, but it felt more like a caress than an attempt to remove the symbol of his affection. “Marissa, it’s not what you think.”

  She bit her lip as she turned, eyes brimming with tears, toward him. “Declan—”

  He must have read the finality in her eyes because he took a fractional step back. “After the game, then?”

  Marissa bobbed her head once. “Sure. After the game.”

  Declan took another long moment to look at her before he pulled away and offered his hand to the still stunned Luke. “Come on, kiddo.”

  “But Daddy—” Luke glanced at Marissa as if he couldn’t understand what was happening.

  Truthfully, Marissa knew exactly what was happening, and still her heart didn’t want to accept it.

  She ducked her head, hoping that her chestnut waves would hide the tears she brushed away.

  From the way Declan glanced over his shoulder at her, her ploy hadn’t been as successful as she might have hoped.

  “MOM, DID YOU SEE ME out there?”

  Marissa drew her purse strap onto her shoulder as she met her son in front of the bleachers. “Are you kidding? My son caught the winning touchdown.” She gave him a high five. “Way to go!”

  It had been an exciting game, the teams matched evenly enough to distract her somewhat from her troubles.

  That was, until a vigorous blond four-year-old who was as stocky as Aiden was lean, barreled into the boy and almost pinned him to the ground. “You won!”

  Aiden grinned as he draped an arm around the younger boy in an awkwardly fraternal embrace.

  Marissa drew in a breath, sad and sharp. She wanted to take a photo, but it felt out of place. Strange.

  Declan came up beside her. “They look like brothers, don’t they?”

  Marissa swallowed, hard. “Declan, please—”

  He didn’t speak, just ran his hand over the boy’s now uncovered red hair. “That was some catch, kid. Have you ever thought about going pro?”

  Aiden’s smile was proud but modest. “I just wanted to have fun and do my best.”

  “Coach tell you that?”

  Aiden glanced past his new friend and to Marissa. “My mom, actually.”

  Declan put a hand on Aiden’s shoulder as he turned to face Marissa. For the first time since they’d reconnected, his smile was unreserved. “She’s an incredible woman, your mom.”

  Marissa cleared her throat as she brought out the boy’s jacket. The weather was turnin
g colder, and they’d had a light drizzle for a few minutes during the game. If the temperature fell much further, the weather could easily turn to snow. “We should go.”

  Aiden groaned. “Mom, I’m fine. I don’t need a coat out here.”

  “Aiden—”

  “If it’s okay with you, Marissa, the four of us could go for ice cream.”

  Just like they had with young Cassie twenty years ago.

  Aiden’s eyes brightened. “Yeah, can they come?”

  Marissa caught Declan’s eye. She had promised to give him time when he could talk to Aiden about his need for space. This was as good a time as any. “Declan, I’ve got a bit of a headache. If I text you the address, can you drop him off after you get ice cream?”

  The disappointment in Aiden’s eyes mirrored Declan’s with such coincidence that Marissa had a hard time not giving in.

  Declan looked down at Aiden, then back at Marissa, his sandy blond curls falling back down to his forehead. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

  “But we always get ice cream together, Mom. It’s our thing.”

  Declan squeezed Aiden’s shoulder. “How about we get her a cup of something she can enjoy when she feels up to it, huh?”

  Marissa offered him a weak smile, knowing it would be as close to a compromise as they’d manage. “Thanks, Declan.”

  Aiden threw his arms around her. “I love you, Mom.”

  She returned the hug as she glanced down at his earnest face. “I love you, too, kiddo.”

  She watched the three men in her life walk off the field, laughing and talking together, unprepared to realize just how much of her heart went with them.

  MARISSA’S EYES FLUTTERED open as her landline trilled. She glanced at her watch as she walked over to the cordless phone base. She’d been asleep for almost two hours waiting for Declan to bring Aiden home.