Too Far

by Jason Starr

  ‘And what transpired at the house?’

  Rachel interrupted with, ‘Mr Harper has a recording of the incident that I haven’t reviewed yet.’

  ‘A recording?’ Barasco looked at me.

  ‘I was hoping to get a confession from him,’ I said.

  ‘I’d like to hear that recording too,’ Barasco said, ‘but as you know we have security footage of the incident. We know he came after you with a knife and you killed him trying to defend yourself.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I said

  ‘So why didn’t you stick around for the cops to get there?’

  I glanced at Rachel who nodded, indicating it was okay for me to answer.

  ‘I panicked,’ I said. ‘After what had happened in New York, I thought I’d get blamed for the murder, just because I was there.’

  ‘Understandable,’ he said. ‘What happened next?’

  I described how I’d taken a train back to the city, but left out that I got drunk. But I knew I’d be talking a lot about that at my next AA meeting.

  I also didn’t tell him about meeting Rob McEvoy. He didn’t bring it up, so he didn’t seem to know, or care, about it.

  ‘What about the subway?’ he asked. ‘Were you planning to jump in front of that train?’

  I was sick of the stress of not telling the truth.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘How come?’

  ‘Because I’d lost everything,’ I said. ‘I didn’t think I had any reason to live.’

  ‘Do you feel that way now?’

  Thinking about how, if this all went well, I’d be able to see Jonah again very soon, I said, ‘No. No I don’t. I want to live. I don’t feel suicidal at all anymore.’

  He had several more questions about what I’d seen at the house in White Plains, and I gave him honest answers. It was so much easier to be honest than to come up with lies.

  ‘We still need to hear the audio of what had transpired in the house in White Plains,’ he said, ‘and you’re still not off the hook for Sophie Ward’s murder.’

  ‘Is there any additional evidence connecting my client to Sophie Ward’s murder?’ Rachel asked.

  ‘Not at the moment, no,’ Barasco admitted.

  ‘You’ll let us know if that situation changes,’ Rachel said.

  I liked this woman.

  Barasco left.

  I emailed Rachel the audio file, then she left too.

  About a half-hour later, Rachel returned, holding a Ziploc. ‘Good news, you’re being discharged. Here are your possessions.’

  I realized that the Ziploc contained my wallet, phone, keys, and loose change.

  ‘I listened to the recording and played it for Barasco. He seems satisfied. He still can’t prove that Lawrence Ward murdered his wife, but he had no plans to charge you for that murder either.’

  Rachel and I walked along the corridor together, toward the elevators. Leaving Bellevue, after I’d been prepared to be institutionalized for maybe the rest of my life, felt surreal.

  I spotted Dr. Lindsay leaving an office. She sort of smiled and raised her hand, a little wave goodbye, like I was a classmate on the last day of school.

  Have a great summer, Jack. See you in the fall!

  ‘This isn’t school,’ I said.

  ‘What’s that?’ Rachel asked.

  I didn’t realize I’d spoken out loud.

  ‘Nothing,’ I said.

  We got on an elevator.

  When the doors opened in the lobby, I saw Maria.

  Although she was smiling and seemed sincere, it was hard to fully trust her. Was this just a game for her? Was she trying to get payback? Was she just trying to hoover me back into the marriage, just to dump me in some humiliating way? Well, I’d find out soon enough.

  I went over to her and didn’t say anything.

  We left Bellevue together.

  20

  In the cab, we exchanged some small talk, mostly about Jonah. Otherwise we were silent.

  When we approached our apartment building, Maria asked, ‘Do you have your cash card?’

  I was about to remind her that the card didn’t work.

  ‘I reactivated it,’ she said.

  I paid, then we headed into the building.

  I could tell that Robert was uncomfortable seeing me, after how he’d treated me the last time, but I was in too good a mood to hold a grudge.

  ‘Robert,’ I said. ‘How’ve you been?’

  ‘Fine.’ He sounded relieved. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Feels great to be home,’ I said.

  Before we’d left Bellevue, Maria had told me that Jonah was home with Carly, the sixteen-year-old babysitter we sometimes used who lived in the building with her parents. My pulse was pounding in anticipation of seeing him.

  At the door, I dug into my pocket for my keys.

  ‘Those still won’t work,’ Maria said. ‘But I’ll get you a new set right away.’

  When Maria began to turn the key in the lock, I heard Jonah say, ‘Is it Daddy? Is it really Daddy?’

  It reminded me of the times he was three or four years old and, if he hadn’t seen me all day, he’d run to me and jump into my arms and I’d pick him up and hug him.

  The door opened and he shouted, ‘Daddy, Daddy!’ and he ran toward me.

  I lifted him up – it wasn’t as easy as when he was a toddler, but I barely noticed. I lifted him up so high his head almost reached the ceiling as he laughed with pure joy.

  I noticed that Maria had turned away and seemed to be wiping tears from her eyes.

  ‘He’s been so excited all night,’ Carly said.

  ‘You’ve been excited, huh?’ I said, looking up at Jonah, at his round, still baby-like face.

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I missed you so much, Daddy.’

  Tears gushing, I said, ‘Well, I missed you too, kiddo. So, so much.’

  * * *

  Carly returned to her apartment and I hung out with Jonah in his room, talking about sports and what he’d been learning in school, until it was time for him to get ready for bed. Then I kissed him goodnight and I went to our bedroom where Maria was lying down, reading on her Kindle.

  Although my clothes had been washed in the hospital, I was eager to put on my actual clothes.

  I opened the dresser drawer where my T-shirts usually were, but saw my jeans there instead.

  ‘Oh, I put your stuff back into your drawers today,’ Maria said. ‘I’m not sure if it’s all where it’s supposed to go.’

  ‘Back?’ I asked.

  ‘Yeah, I’d moved your stuff into suitcases and boxes.’ She sounded ashamed. ‘I’m sorry, Jack. I was just so hurt. I mean when I found out you were actually there, at the townhouse, that you lied to me, I –’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘It’s all over now. I’m back home, where I belong. I’m gonna shower.’

  There’s nothing like your home shower, especially after you’ve been showering at Bellevue for a couple of days.

  Later, I entered the bedroom with a towel around my waist. Maria, in panties and a baggy T-shirt, was lying in bed on her back, staring at the ceiling.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.

  She didn’t answer, so I didn’t push it. When she was ready to talk, she’d talk.

  I let the towel fall to the floor. When I got into bed, Maria still hadn’t budged.

  Then she said, ‘Can you really forgive me?’

  ‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ I said.

  ‘I treated you awfully,’ she said. ‘I was just so hurt, felt so betrayed, but I know it’s no excuse for doing what I did to you – locking you out of the apartment, lying to the police. I know I’m being melodramatic now, but when Barasco told me what you’d done, it felt like the worst pain possib
le. My behavior, though, is inexcusable and I need to take some responsibility. Does this make any sense?’

  ‘It makes total sense.’ She looked like she wanted to kiss me. Instead she said, ‘I forgot to ask you one thing.’

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘The other day, two hundred thousand dollars arrived in our bank account,’ she said. ‘Do you have any idea how it got there?’

  21

  ‘Two hundred thousand dollars?’ I said, though I’d heard her.

  ‘Yes,’ Maria said. ‘From a Citibank account.’

  I’d planned to check my bank account when I got my cell phone back, but I’d been so excited to see Maria and be home with my family again that I’d forgotten. I hadn’t even checked my texts and emails.

  ‘Wow, it’s really there,’ I said. ‘Rob really did it.’

  ‘Oh, so then you know about it,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘but I can explain why –’

  ‘I didn’t want to bring it up right away,’ she said. ‘I mean, I thought I’d let you mention it first. At first, I thought it might’ve been for the apartment you’d mentioned, maybe commission? But that didn’t make sense, because why would he direct deposit commission money into our personal account?’

  Now that I was back, and she’d forgiven me, I wanted things to be different. I wanted to be honest, no matter what the consequences. Maybe she’d be horrified by what I’d done, judge me for it, but I’d been lying to her, and to myself, for way too long and what had it gotten me except pain and torment?

  ‘I blackmailed him,’ I said.

  I braced myself for the fallout, whatever it entailed. I figured she’d lose it – scream, curse, cause a scene. Well, that’s what would’ve happened a couple of weeks ago if I’d told Maria news that upset her. Jonah would wake up terrified, and Maria, or a neighbor, would call the police. Then Maria would throw me out again, block me from my bank accounts, start a custody battle.

  What I didn’t expect was for her to remain as calm as a psychotherapist and ask, ‘Why, Jack?’

  Maybe she was just restraining herself, trying to play the role of ‘the understanding wife.’ But I explained, the best I could, why I’d done it. How I was distraught, thought I’d lost everything, and how it didn’t seem fair for Rob to get off unscathed. As I spoke, I realized how petty and vindictive, even crazy, I must have sounded. I’d blackmailed, actually blackmailed, an old friend, for two hundred thousand dollars because he’d told me about a website? Who does that?

  At the same time, it felt good to be honest with her, like a huge burden had been lifted.

  ‘Look,’ I went on, ‘I know it was a stupid thing to do. I wasn’t thinking straight at the time, I was in a bad way. I’d even started drinking again. Yeah, I went off the wagon, I was really starting to lose it, and, in the moment, it seemed like a good idea. I wanted to do something for you and Jonah – just one good thing. I’d done so many bad things lately, made so many mistakes, that, I don’t know, I thought this would make up for it. But now I realize how stupid that was, how I was just scapegoating Rob, making the same mistake I’ve made so many times before. I didn’t have to listen to him, I chose to listen to him. But, don’t worry, I’ll work on this now, and become a better man, I promise. This whole experience has scared the shit out of me, I’ve hit my real rock bottom. I’m going back to AA, and I’ll apologize to Rob and wire that money back to him, and I’ll –’

  ‘No,’ Maria said.

  She sounded very serious.

  ‘No, what?’ I asked.

  ‘No, you’re not returning that money to him.’

  She still didn’t sound like she was joking, but I said, ‘You’re joking, right?’

  ‘I just want to move on,’ she said. ‘The money’s already in our bank account, and Rob wouldn’t have given it to you if he didn’t want to give it to you. He probably felt bad, realized what he’d put you through, and thought giving you the money was the least he could do.’

  ‘Maybe that’s true,’ I said, ‘but I still have to call him and –’

  ‘No, it’s our money. We need it.’

  Definitely not joking.

  ‘Come on,’ I said, ‘you really can’t expect me to keep that money.’

  ‘Our money,’ Maria said. ‘It’s in our bank account.’

  ‘But weren’t you listening to what I was saying?’ I said. ‘It’s actually Rob’s money.’

  ‘No, it’s our money now. He wired it to us, to our joint account.’

  ‘But he only did it because I threatened him, because –’

  ‘Because he knows he did something wrong,’ Maria said. ‘Don’t you get it? Rob’s not a good guy. You’ve known that for years. I remember the stories you used to tell me about him. He’s always been an asshole, a player. He lies, cheats –’

  ‘I know,’ I said, ‘but that doesn’t mean –’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘it does. Don’t you get it? You were right – it is all his fault. He knew what he was doing, he was encouraging you, trying to hurt you. He’s like a scummy drug dealer, an enabler. He knows it too, that’s why he gave you that money, because he felt guilty –’

  ‘No, he did it because –’

  ‘Because he wanted to do it, Jack, because he wanted to redeem himself. People don’t do anything they don’t want to do. Trust me, I’m right. By keeping the money you’re helping him. If that money really meant anything to him, if it was really going to destroy him, do you think he would’ve wired it? That money’s probably like his lunch budget for the next few years. But we need the money, it could make a difference for us. It could be a down payment on an apartment, pay for Jonah’s college. How many problems for us were caused by money? All the arguments we’ve had about your career, how our apartment’s too small, how we’re not putting enough away for retirement. All of those fights wore us down, put a wedge between us, made us drift farther and farther apart. But now we have a chance – to start again, without all of that stress. I feel like we’re getting along better already, and I know you feel the same way. He was looking to do something good, Jack, just like you were, so you both got what you wanted.’

  Although I knew what Maria was saying didn’t make much sense, somehow it all made sense.

  ‘I have an idea,’ I said. ‘How about we put the money aside for a couple of weeks, or a couple of months, and then decide what to do?’

  She continued glaring at me, until she managed to smile.

  ‘That does sound like a reasonable compromise,’ she said. ‘Good idea, let’s just keep the money in the bank and agree we won’t touch it… for a while.’

  I knew we hadn’t resolved the issue, but at least we’d tabled it.

  She was looking at me like she wanted me to kiss her, so I did. We hadn’t kissed, really kissed, in a long time. Feeling as awkward as a teenager, I leaned in.

  Her lips didn’t feel familiar at all; they felt like a stranger’s lips. I was distracted, flashing back to discovering Sophie’s body, Anthony’s body, killing Lawrence, almost jumping in front of the train.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Maria asked.

  I realized I was drenched in sweat.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘fine.’

  Maria lay on her back and I climbed on top. I tried to take control, rejecting my thoughts and memories and trying to focus on Maria. Her body felt unfamiliar, more toned, and then I flashed back to when Maria had visited me at Bellevue – her cold glare. I wanted to refocus on us, in the present, but my mind kept drifting to the past.

  I wasn’t close to getting a hard-on.

  ‘It’s okay, we don’t have to do it tonight,’ Maria said. ‘It’s nice just lying next to you.’

  I turned away onto my side, and Maria hugged me from behind, spooning me.

  I was still sweating.

  * * *

>   In the morning, while Maria showered and got ready for work, I checked my texts. I’d gotten a lot of messages from AA friends and acquaintances and old sponsors checking up on me, making sure I was okay, and, yes, I’d gotten a couple of texts from Rob.

  The first had been sent a day after I’d almost jumped in front of the train:

  Hey bro just heard about you on the news feel awful, had no idea how desperate you were man. I feel so bad for telling you about that site. It wasn’t my intention to fuck things up for you, hope you know that bro and if I knew how bad you were doing I never would’ve let you leave that playground

  In another text he continued:

  Anyway bro feel bad about how things went down I know you were counting on that commish so I’m wiring the 200 K into your account lets just both move on forget this ever happened

  sound cool??

  I know you are a good guy and you don’t want to do anything to hurt me or my kids

  Robby

  I read the messages a few times. Unlike the messages from my AA friends, Rob’s concern didn’t seem genuine. He’d wired that money out of fear that I’d ruin his marriage, not because he cared that I’d almost killed myself. The guy obviously had zero empathy.

  Maybe Maria had been right; maybe we did deserve that money.

  I made Jonah breakfast – French toast, his favorite. I made some for myself too and, as we sat at the table eating, he told me about the fantasy football team he’d started. When Maria came by, she kissed me, and it was obvious how happy Jonah was – not just because his dad was back home, but because his parents were happy. He’d never seen his parents like this. Over the years, I’d thought I’d been hiding the tension in my marriage from him, but he’d been picking up on it, and it had affected him, like it had affected all of us.

  When Maria was leaving for work, I kissed her goodbye and gave her a tight hug.

  ‘I wanna hug too,’ Jonah said.

  Our family hug would’ve made a great Christmas card photo: Jonah, grinning widely between his mom and dad, looking like the happiest kid in the world.

  Later, Jonah and I walked to school together. Although it wasn’t quite my normal routine, because I had no job to go to, it was still great to be back to being a dad again, back where I belonged.