Attack of the Demon Dinner Ladies

by Pamela Butchart

  That’s when Jodi said, “That’s weird.” And it WAS weird because usually there are quite a lot of people who bring packed lunches.

  Then one of the dinner ladies came over to our table and put our water jug down but it didn’t have horrible eyes in it, just some lemon and a bit of orange.

  I was about to ask if anyone else thought that the dinner ladies had decided to hide the cockroach eyes in the food instead when the girl with red hair that I’d seen before sat down at the packed lunch table.

  That’s when Zach said, “Oh! Hi, Amy!” And then he smiled loads and so did the girl.

  And I was SHOCKED because I didn’t understand how Zach knew her but I didn’t.

  Jodi must have been thinking the exact same thing because she said, “How do you know each other? Are you new?”

  So that’s when Amy said that she WAS new and that she was in Mrs Ross’s class.

  Zach told us that he’d met Amy at the afterschool table tennis yesterday. And then he said, “You were pretty good. Are you going again tomorrow?”

  That’s when Amy started to get REALLY excited and she said that she’d LOVE to and that Zach was really good at table tennis as well.

  I asked Zach why he hadn’t asked US to play table tennis after school. And he said that he didn’t think we liked table tennis because when we played it in PE a few weeks ago me and Jodi had said that it was ANNOYING because the ball was too light and kept going all over the place. And Maisie had hidden under the table.

  Even though Zach was right about us not liking table tennis I said that he still should have asked us and Jodi agreed. And Maisie didn’t say anything because she was staring at something behind me and her face was shaking a bit.

  That’s when I noticed a SHADOW fall over our table, but before I could turn around to see who was standing there a voice said, “THAT doesn’t look very nutritious, young lady. Here, take this for later.”

  And that’s when we all looked up and saw the

  We knew that it was her because she was wearing a badge that said “HEAD DINNER LADY”.

  We all sat there with our mouths wide open as she handed Jodi an AVOCADO. And then she turned and smiled CREEPILY at Amy and walked away really slowly.

  Once she’d gone, Jodi dropped the avocado on to the table and Maisie quickly covered Jodi’s hands with ANTI-BACTERIAL HAND-GEL.

  That’s when Amy looked a bit annoyed and said that she had to go, even though she hadn’t finished her lunch yet.

  As soon as Amy was gone we all helped Jodi SECURE the avocado in a sandwich bag so she could keep it for EVIDENCE.

  But then Maisie started to FREAK OUT and her eyes went WIDE and she started mumbling, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

  And it was WAY worse than the avocado, and the hats, and the goggles AND the eyeball water.

  “LOOK!” she said as she pointed her shaky finger at the head dinner lady’s face.

  At first I didn’t notice her eyes, because I was too busy staring at how PERFECT her apron was and how it didn’t even have ONE stain on it.

  Then Jodi whispered, “We’ve got a

  And we did.

  Because even though the new head dinner lady had goggles on we could ALL see that her eyes were

  Somehow we managed to get OUT of the dinner hall without any of the dinner ladies noticing.

  I didn’t think we were going to make it because Maisie fainted halfway to the door and we had drag her out of the dinner hall by her arms.

  We ran right past the head teacher’s office and didn’t stop until we reached The Den.

  Once we were safely inside, Zach went a bit mad. He was shaking his head over and over and saying, “Not this. Not this. I can’t do this. Not this.”

  And then he started piling the buckets and the mop and one of the broken shelves and ANYTHING he could find up against the door.

  That’s when Jodi said, “What are you DOING?!”

  And Zach said that he couldn’t talk right now because he had to SECURE The Den.

  So we waited until he was finished and Maisie made him a cup of cold tea and EVENTUALLY when there was nothing left to stack against the door, Zach sat down on the ground.

  That’s when Maisie took her coat off and wrapped it around Zach’s shoulders, and even though Maisie’s coat is very flowery, Zach didn’t say anything.

  Then Jodi said, “Zach. Are you ready to speak now?”

  And Zach nodded that he was. So Jodi handed him the white board and he wrote:

  And that’s when Maisie pulled down the pile of stuff in front of the door and ran away.

  When we eventually found Maisie she was in the school library using one of the computers. At first I thought she was being mega-brave and researching

  or something. But when we got closer we saw that she was filling out an application for another school.

  Maisie said that she’d already completed applications for me, Jodi and Zach and that all she had to do was finish hers and press send.

  That’s when Jodi went up to the computer and pulled the plug RIGHT out of the socket so the screen went blank.

  And then she said, “WE’RE not going anywhere. This is OUR school. But you know who IS going somewhere?”

  And none of us said anything in reply because we knew Jodi was asking the type of question that you weren’t supposed to answer and that she was about to answer it herself anyway.

  And then Jodi said, “The new DINNER LADY. THAT’S who!”

  Everyone met at Jodi’s house that night to discuss what to do next.

  When I arrived the others were already there and they ALL had really worried looks on their faces. Jodi didn’t even wait for her mum to bring us the good snacks that you only get at Jodi’s house before we started the meeting. Instead, as SOON as I walked into the bedroom, Jodi put the

  sign up and shut her bedroom door.

  That’s when I said, “What’s going on?” because I felt like everyone else knew what was happening except for me.

  Then Jodi said, “We don’t know. Zach wouldn’t tell us until we were all here.”

  And that’s when I knew this was going to be BAD NEWS.

  So I held Maisie’s hand for support and listened as Zach said, “I think we’re at WAR.”

  I looked at Jodi and she was STARING at Zach and nodding LOADS.

  I still had NO IDEA what was going on or why Jodi was nodding so I said, “I don’t get it. Who are we at war with? The demon dinner lady?”

  That’s when Zach looked down at the ground and said, “Maisie, do you want a milkshake first?”

  And I knew that Zach had asked her that because whatever he was about to say was going to be WAY too much for Maisie to handle without something to take her mind off what was going on, like one of Jodi’s mum’s strawberry milkshakes, or earplugs, or a picture of a humpback whale to look at.

  But Maisie said that she didn’t want a milkshake first, which I thought was a very good idea because sometimes Maisie is sick when she’s scared. And I was pretty sure that Zach was about to say something that would TERRIFY her.

  And I was right because that’s when Zach said, “I think we’re under

  Once we realised it was just Jodi’s mum wearing hair rollers and a moisturising face mask everyone stopped screaming, except for Maisie.

  That’s when Jodi’s mum said, “Oh darling, I’m so sorry. I must look a fright!”

  But Maisie wouldn’t stop screaming or believe that it was Jodi’s mum even when she rubbed the face mask off.

  That’s when Jodi said, “Er, Mum, what did you put in that face mask? Your face looks a bit weird.”

  And it DID look weird. It was red and bumpy and her eyelids were starting to get all bulgy.

  Then Jodi’s mum said, “Just what the lady on the TV said to put in. It’s a vegetable facemask. Why? Does it smell funny?”

  And I said that it DID smell a bit but that wasn’t the reason Maisie was screaming.

  But Jodi’s mum didn�
��t understand what was going on until Jodi took her over to the mirror. And that’s when we couldn’t hear Maisie screaming any more because Jodi’s mum screamed louder than I have probably ever heard anyone scream

  Then both of Jodi’s mum’s eyelids got

  that she could hardly see.

  And that’s when we dialled 999.

  Jodi’s mum said that we weren’t to touch ANY of the MEDICAL EQUIPMENT inside the ambulance, even though it all looked

  And I felt bad because I had already touched quite a lot of things, but I don’t think Jodi’s mum noticed because she couldn’t really see at ALL any more.

  The ambulance lady (who said she was a PARAMEDIC when we asked to see her IDENTIFICATION when she knocked at Jodi’s front door) said that Jodi’s mum was having a SEVERE ALLERGIC REACTION to her face mask. And that she’d given her some medication which would help the swelling go away.

  Jodi asked the ambulance lady how long it would take for her mum’s face to go back to looking like a normal human face and she said it would only take an hour.

  Then she said that we could call her Julie but we said that it was OK and that we would still call her Ambulance Lady because that was more respectful.

  Then the ambulance lady helped Jodi’s mum call my mum and Zach’s mum and Maisie’s mum so that they could come to the hospital and pick us up.

  I explained to the ambulance lady AND to Jodi’s mum that they shouldn’t call Maisie’s mum because she would probably have a panic attack and then we’d have to turn the ambulance around and pick HER up too and that she lived AGES away.

  But nobody listened to me. And the ambulance lady said that she would make it VERY CLEAR that Maisie was ABSOLUTELY FINE.

  So I tried to make it VERY CLEAR that that wouldn’t really make any difference but the ambulance lady still didn’t listen to me. And then when she called Maisie’s mum EVERYONE in the ambulance heard Maisie’s mum scream,

  The ambulance lady looked shocked even though that’s what I’d TOLD her would happen. And when I told her that, she gave me a bit of LOOK even though it was all HER fault this was happening.

  Then Jodi asked for Zach’s mobile phone, because he is the only one of us that has one. Maisie used to have one for emergencies until our Head Teacher, Mr Graves, CONFISCATED it because it kept going off in class because Maisie’s mum kept phoning her over and over to ask if she was OK and if she’d had enough to eat or if she was too cold. And Maisie didn’t like her mum phoning her all the time so she just told her mum she’d lost it.

  So anyway, Jodi took Zach’s phone and started taking close-up pictures of her mum’s face. But then the ambulance lady said that we weren’t allowed to take pictures inside the ambulance and that’s when Jodi’s mum said, “WHAT?! Are you taking PHOTOS of me looking like this, Jodi?!” And that’s when Jodi LIED and said that she wasn’t and that she was taking pictures out of the window, even though there weren’t any windows. But Jodi’s mum didn’t know that because she couldn’t see.

  By the time we got to the hospital Jodi’s mum’s face looked much better. All the green vegetable stuff was gone and the bumps had gotten smaller and we were beginning to be able to see her eyes again.

  We got to go up to the ward with Jodi and her mum because our mums weren’t there yet. And it was

  because EVERYONE knew Maisie and Maisie kept saying, “Hi, Doctor Kate,” and, “Hi, Nurse Tom” to everyone who walked past and everyone kept saying, “Hi, Maisie!” and giving her things like high-fives, and biscuits and anti-bacterial hand-gel. It was like she was famous or something!

  Maisie said that the reason she knew everyone was because her mum brings her to the hospital for check-ups most weekends because Maisie gets loads of things that worry her mum like a sore toe or a weird knee and sometimes an itchy hand.

  But Jodi wasn’t really having a good time like we were and she still looked worried.

  So I put my hand on her shoulder and said, “Don’t worry, Jodi. Your mum is totally fine now. She just had an allergic reaction to the food she put on her face, that’s all.”

  And that’s when Jodi looked around to make sure no one was looking and then she pulled me under one of the hospital beds and whispered, “Izzy. She DIDN’T have an allergic reaction. She used the AVOCADO the demon dinner lady gave me! She must have found it in my school bag and put it in her facemask! It was OBVIOUSLY a POISONOUS AVOCADO!”

  And when she said that my heart felt a bit funny for a minute and I was glad I was in a hospital in case it fell out because I had forgotten ALL ABOUT the demon dinner lady and being AT WAR and UNDER ATTACK because of the bumpy vegetable face, and the ambulance and being in the hospital where everyone knew Maisie.

  Then Jodi said, “The demon dinner lady

  my mum’s face, Izzy!”

  Before I could say anything to Jodi, someone pulled a curtain right around the bed we were hiding under.

  And then we heard a nurse say, “Hello, Mr Ashour. It’s time to try to pass those kidney stones.”

  I looked at Jodi and she looked at me. We were stuck under someone’s bed and we had no idea what kidney stones were.

  So we just sat there and stared at each other because we knew we couldn’t come out or we would be in

  for hiding under someone’s hospital bed.

  “Here’s your bedpan, Mr Ashour. Try to do a tinkle in there for me, please.”

  And that’s when Jodi gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. And then she whispered something to me. And that’s when I found out that the doctor wanted Mr Ashour to WEE in a bottle RIGHT above our heads!

  So I whispered to Jodi that we had to get OUT because this was

  But then Mr Ashour said, “I’ve been hearing voices, nurse. Under the bed. They keep whispering.”

  And Jodi grabbed my arm and SQUEEZED it because we both knew we were about to get caught.

  But then the nurse said, “There’s no one under the bed, Mr Ashour. It’s just the pain medication playing tricks on you. Don’t worry, as soon as you pass those kidney stones you’ll feel much better and be on your way home.”

  But then Mr Ashour started telling the nurse about POISON and DEMONS and that’s when I thought the nurse was going to look under the bed for SURE. But he didn’t. He said he was going to get a doctor to help Mr Ashour.

  As soon as the nurse opened the curtains and left, we crawled out really fast and hid under the next bed.

  But Mr Ashour must’ve spotted us because he shouted, “MARGARET! BE CAREFUL. THERE ARE DEMONS UNDER YOUR BED!”

  And then Margaret started SCREAMING and so did loads of other people in the ward and then someone else shouted for the nurse and so we just got up and RAN.

  When we stopped running we had

  where we were or how we were going to get back to Jodi’s mum and Zach and Maisie.

  We kept going up stairs and along corridors and then down stairs, but we couldn’t find them ANYWHERE because everything looked the same. We were completely lost.

  That’s when I remembered about Maisie knowing everyone at the hospital, and so I was just about to try to find a doctor or a nurse and ask them if they’d seen Maisie anywhere when we turned a corner and saw that we were in the hospital cafeteria.

  “LOOK!” said Jodi. “There’s your mum!”

  And it was my mum AND Zach’s mum, so we ran over and explained about getting lost in the hospital. But we didn’t mention the Mr Ashour thing because we knew we’d get told off.

  Jodi got to stay at my house that night so that her mum could stay in hospital and have a good rest and make sure the rash and swollen bits were a hundred per cent gone.

  But Jodi wouldn’t let me go to sleep, even though I was exhausted from all the running in the hospital.

  Zach had let her keep his phone and she kept showing me the pictures she’d taken of her mum’s face when we were in the ambulance and saying things like, “The demon dinner lady isn’t going to get away with this. Look what she did t
o my mum’s face!”

  And I have never seen Jodi so angry before and I knew it was because Jodi loves her mum very much and they share a bedroom in their flat and everything so she is sort of Jodi’s best friend too.

  So I got out of my bed and got into the sleeping bag on the floor with Jodi and said, “Jodi, I don’t think the demon dinner lady MEANT to poison your mum’s face.”

  And Jodi said, “What?! Yes she DID. LOOK!”

  And then Jodi showed me the pictures again.

  So that’s when I said, “That’s not what I mean. Jodi, I think the avocado was meant for YOU. She must know we’re on to her!”

  When we got to school the next day NO ONE could get Maisie to cross the road, not even the lollipop man, because there were even MORE seagulls hanging around the school gates and Maisie was TERRIFIED of their BEADY EYES and the RED BITS on their pointy beaks.

  Eventually the lollipop man managed to scare some of the seagulls away by waving his lollipop stick around and we were able to get Maisie safely across the road.

  But once we got to the other side, we saw that the seagulls were coming back so we all hurried Maisie inside before she saw them too.