She shook her head. “Nee, I wouldn’t.”
He raised his chin.
She swallowed hard. “Is that what you want?”
He groaned. “Honor, I don’t know what I want. I’m confused, all right? I don’t know what to think anymore.”
Honor glanced behind them, terrified that one of the brothers might overhear them arguing. Brandon had emerged from the barn and was coming their way.
“Can we go to the daadi haus to finish this conversation?” she asked.
Gabe gave a start, and it seemed to dawn on him that soon they were going to be a family spectacle—at least with his brothers. He took her arm and half-pulled her around the big house to the daadi haus. They went inside and he lit a lantern.
“You can pack up a few things. My old room in the big house is vacant.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, getting angry now. “I’m not leaving.”
“Then I can.”
“And what do you think that’s going to look like? What possible excuse do you have to go back to the big house?” She had to work to keep her voice down. Her breath came quickly and she felt light-headed.
“None,” he finally said.
“And what are you meaning with all this?” she asked, dread inching up her throat. “You wanting to live separate? Split up?”
“We don’t do that, Honor. You know that. It ain’t done.”
“But you want to.” The words fell from her mouth like rocks. “You don’t want to be married to me anymore.”
How had this happened? How had things gotten so upside down? She had thought everything would be fine now. When she’d had her epiphany in Baker’s Corner, that amazing moment when she realized she loved Gabe, she’d been so happy. So relieved. So eager to see him.
“I don’t know, Honor.” Gabe looked sunken into himself somehow. He didn’t seem as tall or as broad. She blinked and looked at him again, frowning.
“I love you,” she whispered. “I’m not lying.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could believe you. But I know now just how gut of a liar you are. And just how gullible of a fool I am.”
“So that’s it? You’re not going to let me prove it to you?”
“Prove it?” He shook his head. “Honor, I thought you’d been proving your love before.”
“But—”
“I’m so tired. And I’m worried about Mamm. I don’t want to discuss this anymore tonight.”
“Can we at least both sleep in our own bed?”
He only gazed up at the ceiling without answering. She waited a few breathless moments, and then she moved toward the stairway. “I’m going upstairs. I’m not sleeping in the big house. If you want to go over there, I can’t stop you. But I wish you wouldn’t.”
She started up the stairs into the blackness. She hadn’t brought a lantern with her, and she stumbled on the last step, righting herself just before falling. She gripped the bannister tightly and then let go to feel her way down the hall. She went into their room and fumbled for the matches. She lit the lantern and then sank down onto the edge of the bed.
She gulped in a huge breath and stared at the light dancing on the wall. Dear Gott, she prayed silently, please help me. Please let Gabe believe me. At least, let him come upstairs to me. Please.
Even though spring had arrived, the air was cool. She shivered and then looked at her nightgown hanging on its peg. She should change clothes and get into bed. The days ahead were going to be long and hard, and she needed her rest. But she didn’t move. She wanted to, but her body wouldn’t cooperate. She simply sat there, listening to the sounds of the night, hoping she’d hear the stairway creak.
When she did finally hear Gabe’s footsteps on the stairs, she sucked in a breath and every muscle in her body tensed. He was coming upstairs. She stared at the door until he appeared.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked. “Why are you pretending?”
She let out her breath with a whoosh. “I’m not!” she cried. “Why are you being so stubborn?”
Her words lashed through the room, and he didn’t move. She jumped up from the bed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t blame you,” she said. “But I’ll show you. I will.”
Without thinking, she threw her arms around him. He was stiff, but she held on. “I’m sorry, Gabe. Can’t you give me another chance? Give us another chance?”
He gently extricated himself from her hug. “I’m not leaving you, Honor. And I want to believe you. I do.”
She nearly wept with relief.
His eyes darkened in the lamplight, and for a split second, she saw affection there. And yearning. But then, it was gone. But she’d seen it—she knew she had. She stepped close again and rested her head on his chest.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Neither of them moved. A barn owl hooted hoarsely outside somewhere, and she heard a dog bark. Then it was silent again.
Gabe shifted his weight. “We better get to bed. Tomorrow will come early.”
She drew away and smiled at him. Her eyes were moist, but she blinked the tears away. “All right, Gabe.”
And within minutes, they were lying side-by-side in bed, both of them staring at the ceiling.
Chapter Nineteen
During breakfast, Gabe at least looked at her. His expression was shadowed, however, and Honor wasn’t sure whether it was because of concern over her and their relationship, or his mother’s health. But Honor made sure that she always gave him a smile in return. In truth, her smile was a bit forced. She didn’t feel smiley that morning, but she did feel a kernel of hope.
In his sleep, Gabe had tossed his arm over her and she had snuggled against him. He hadn’t woken up so she stayed next to him for a good part of the night, savoring his nearness, listening to the sound of his breath.
When their alarm went off at four o’clock, he’d stirred and she’d made sure she’d scooted away, not wanting to face rejection from him first thing in the morning.
But now, during the meal of eggs, fried potatoes, slabs of bacon, and thick slices of homemade bread, Gabe didn’t seem as cold toward her.
“When are we going in to the hospital?” Evan asked between mouthfuls.
“Let’s finish up with the lower field first,” Brandon said. “Then we don’t have to be so worried about time.”
“Should be late afternoon then,” Gabe said.
“I’ll pack food for your dat again,” Honor offered.
Gabe looked at her. “Thank you.”
Honor’s pulse increased. “You’re welcome.”
“Dat will probably be coming home with us today, don’t you think?” Brandon asked.
“I don’t know. He’ll probably want to, if only for the night,” Gabe said.
“When’s Mamm coming home?” Evan asked. “It seems right strange without her.”
“We’ll see what the doctor says,” Gabe said and stood up.
Honor scrambled to her feet, too. “I’ll have the noon meal ready by twelve,” she said.
Brandon, Roger, and Evan stood up, too. Evan grabbed one more slice of bread.
“Let’s head out,” Roger said and the two followed him.
Gabe hadn’t left, though. He picked up his plate and carried it into the kitchen. Honor watched him. Since when did any of the men carry their dishes into the kitchen? She licked her lips, suddenly nervous. Was he wanting to talk to her? She chewed the corner of her lip and picked up her own plate, following him into the kitchen.
* * *
Gabe set his plate in the sink and hesitated. He glanced out the kitchen window. The sun was only just coming up over the fields, shedding streams of light over the earth. He wasn’t sure why he’d stayed back, letting his brothers head out to the fields without him. But then, it wasn’t really a great mystery, was it? He wanted to talk to Honor again.
Even though there wasn’t anything new to say.
He’d been awake the night before—when she snuggled up ag
ainst him. At first, he hadn’t realized he’d put his arm over her, but when she moved toward him, the movement of the mattress woke him up. It took him a second to realize what was happening. And when he did, he lay perfectly still. He made sure his breathing remained even and deep. But his heart was racing and all he wanted to do was press her to him. Kiss her. Bury his face into her neck. But he didn’t do any of those things.
He didn’t know what to think. A huge part of him wanted to believe her. Wanted to believe that she really did love him. That maybe, even though she’d married him under false pretenses, she had grown to love him.
His vision of the rising sun through the window blurred as his eyes welled with tears.
“Gabe?” Honor said behind him.
He sniffed, blinked hard, and turned to face her. “Honor.”
“Did you want to talk?” She set her plate on the counter.
“There’s not much to say, is there?” He felt helpless, wanting to talk but having no idea what to say.
“All right.” The words stretched through the air. She smiled at him then, and it seemed genuine. Better than the stiff smiles during the meal. “Did you get enough to eat?”
He blinked. What? “Uh, jah. It was gut. Thank you.”
“Can I get anything else for you? Would you like some tea or coffee before you go back out?”
She was beautiful. He could look at her all day. He loved the way her eyes danced when she was excited. Loved the way her smile curled up when she was enjoying something. Loved her cute, perky little nose. Loved how her brow furrowed when she was deep in concentration.
Without thinking, he reached out and grabbed her to him, pulling her up against his chest and pressing his lips against her kapp. She gave a small outcry and then threw her arms around him, holding him tight.
He closed his eyes and smelled her sweet scent. She drew her head back and looked up at him, and he couldn’t help himself. His mouth covered hers hungrily, and his lips were hard and searching. She tightened her hold on him as his kiss became more and more urgent.
And then, the truth in his mind roared up and slapped him, and he pulled away, gasping. Honor stared up at him, her lips swollen and her eyes dazed.
“I’m sorry,” he eked out. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“But Gabe—”
He needed to get away. Get outside. Get away from her. He jolted around her and stumbled from the room. He lurched down the side door’s steps and hurtled across the yard to catch up to his brothers. What was the matter with him? He couldn’t trust her. She lied. For months, she’d lied.
Is that what he wanted? To open himself again to someone who could slice his heart open? He cringed as his feet sank into the tilled earth. Wasn’t he being overly dramatic? Maybe, he was. But right then, he just couldn’t bear the thought of finding out that she was lying to him yet once again. Finding out that she didn’t love him, no matter what she claimed. Finding out she might never love him.
* * *
Honor ran the back of her hand over her mouth. She was breathing hard, and her vision was fuzzy. She leaned against the counter until she caught her breath. Gabe. Gabe. Gabe. Why won’t you believe me?
She wasn’t lying anymore, and she never planned to lie to him again. If only she could turn back time. She paused, touching her lips with her fingers. If she could turn back time, would she go after Gabe again? Until the threat of moving had come along, she’d never been particularly interested in him. So, if she went back in time, would she set her sights on him?
She closed her eyes and visualized him smiling at her. The way he used to smile in the beginning. He smiled at her like she was the only person in the entire world, and she hadn’t appreciated it. In truth, it had annoyed her. Why? She had no idea anymore.
She’d give the world to see that smile on his face again.
Knowing Gabe like she knew him now—yes, she would have yearned for his courtship. If she could go back in time, she would flirt with him again. But this time, with no motive except to get to know him. Except for him to get to know her. No secrets. No using him. No thinking only of herself.
She bowed her head, wishing with all her might that she could have another chance with him. Wasn’t there anything she could do to convince him to give her another chance?
What was that Bible verse? Something about running the race set before a person. Honor straightened her back. She would run the race set before her. And she would keep running the race. Forever, if she had to—until she gained the prize. She smiled at the thought of Gabe’s love and trust being the prize.
“I love you, Gabe,” she said aloud. “And one day, one day you will believe me.”
Chapter Twenty
The next two days were filled with housework, field work, tending the animals, and trips to the hospital. By the end of each day, the entire family fell into bed, exhausted. Nathaniel came home, but he still spent a good part of the day at the hospital with Tessie. Sometimes, one of the boys went with him. Sometimes, Honor went with him; other times, he went alone.
Tessie was scheduled to be released the following morning. Nathaniel insisted she be brought back to the farm, against the doctor’s advice. But Tessie wanted to come home, too. She could speak better, with most of them understanding what she said. She wasn’t walking well, however, and needed much therapy. It was arranged that the therapist would come to the home and Honor would carefully observe, eventually learning how to give the therapy herself.
Brandon had constructed walking bars and set them up in the front room where Tessie’s hospital bed would be placed.
In the midst of all the busy-ness and preparations for Tessie’s homecoming, Honor didn’t have a lot of time alone with Gabe. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe time was what they needed. Yet, he still slept carefully on his side of the bed, and he still didn’t talk to her much. But she kept praying and hoping and smiling warmly at him, no matter what mood he was in.
It had been four days since Honor had come home from Baker’s Corner when suddenly, during the noon meal, Brandon started laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Evan asked over his mouthful of mashed sweet potatoes.
“Has anyone gotten the mail? I mean, in the last few days?” Brandon asked.
They all looked at each other.
“I was thinking that I hadn’t read The Connection lately. Shouldn’t we have gotten our issue this week?”
Honor dropped her fork. The mail. Her letter to Gabe. The one she’d written to him in Baker’s Corner. Her eyes widened, and her throat went dry. He hadn’t gotten it. He hadn’t gotten it! She tossed her napkin on the table and scrambled up from the bench.
“I’ll get it. I’ll go get it!” she cried, already halfway out the door.
She flew down the front steps and raced across the yard to the mailbox. It was bulging with mail. She flipped through it and found her letter to Gabe. She clasped all the mail to her chest and looked up to the sky, thanking God. Then she hurried back.
Gabe stood on the front porch, watching her run across the lawn.
“Honor? What’s wrong?”
She stopped at the bottom step, suddenly afraid. What if he still didn’t accept the truth? What if the letter wasn’t enough? Then what? He’d never believe her. Never.
She bit her lip and felt tears flooding her eyes. She was scared. Her hand trembled as she pulled his letter from the stack and handed it to him.
“I wrote this in…” she couldn’t go on. Her voice wouldn’t work properly.
He came down the steps and took it from her, studying the return address. “You wrote this to me while you were in Baker’s Corner?”
She nodded.
“Why would you write when you were only going to be there three days?” He frowned, staring at the envelope again and then at her.
She gave him a helpless shrug.
He tore open the letter and began reading. Honor remembered what she’d written, especially how she’d signed i
t.
Dear Gabe,
I suppose it’s silly of me to be writing you. After all, I’m scheduled to return to Hollybrook in three days. That hardly gives this letter time to make its way to you. But then, it should only take a day. You just won’t have time to write me back.
The house here is small, only two bedrooms. And the kitchen is tiny, not like what we’re used to at all. Dat had to make the table smaller. Can you imagine? My eyes nearly bugged right out of my head.
I miss you, Gabe. I wish you were here. It’s odd being here without you. My mamm and dat are different. They’ve changed. I suppose I have, too. Maybe, I didn’t realize it, but it’s true.
All I want to do is go back home. All I want to do is go back to the daadi haus. It’ll be different this time, Gabe. I want to be there. I want to be with you. Ach, but I miss you.
I love you, Gabe. I’ll see you soon.
Your wife,
Honor
She watched Gabe read the words, her words. Sweat broke out all over her body and she felt dizzy, standing there. When he came to the bottom of the letter, he sucked in his breath and froze. Then he looked up at her. His eyes had misted over and he held out the opened letter to her.
“Do you mean this?” he asked, his voice thick.
She nodded. “Jah, Gabe. I meant it then and I mean it now.” She was surprised that her voice even worked. She held her breath.
“Honor. Honor. I can’t… I can’t get my head around it.”
She waited, not moving, watching the myriad of emotions flash across his face. He stared at the letter, and she saw that his hand was shaking. She watched him read it again, his gaze staying on the bottom few lines.
And then he looked up at her and the hope in his eyes was blinding.
“So, you mean it?”
“I do. Like I told you, Gabe. I love you.”
And then, it happened.
His smile.
It started slowly, barely turning up the corners of his mouth and then broadening, widening, until his entire face burst forth with it. His eyes bore into hers, and she saw such love that she couldn’t breathe. Something was pressing on her chest. His love was a physical force, a breath-taking alive thing that penetrated her until she could only stand there and smile back at him. She felt tears running down her face, flowing over her lips.
Honor's Wedding (Hollybrook Amish Romance) Page 10