Honor hadn’t moved. She stood stalk still, her eyes wide and unblinking. She was afraid of him, and it curdled something within him.
“Can … can you sit down?” he asked, forcing his voice to remain even.
She didn’t answer, but she did back up and sink onto the bench. He sat in his father’s spot at the head of the table.
“I want to talk to you…”
Chapter Seventeen
Honor heard his words and cringed. Fear filled her throat, and she could barely breathe. He knows, she thought. He knows.
“What is it?” she eked out, not recognizing her own voice.
“I want the truth,” he said, his eyes on hers.
“About … what?”
“Why did you marry me?”
She saw his hands clenched so tightly on the table that his knuckles had gone white. Maybe he didn’t know then—didn’t know why she’d married him. But he knew enough.
“Why … why do you ask?” Even as she heard her words, she winced. What was she doing? Trying to buy more time? And why? What difference could even another minute make now? It had gone on too long. She should have admitted the truth from the very beginning.
“Don’t,” he said harshly. “Don’t do that. I want the truth.”
“All right.” She swallowed hard and braced herself, clasping her hands in her lap. “I’ll tell you the truth…” Her voice didn’t want to work anymore. She was so nervous, she was trembling. Surely, he could see her shake. But his eyes held no sympathy. No warmth. Nothing except a burning need to know.
“Go on.”
“I … I, well, we were going to have to move.”
“I know that, Honor. Tell me what I don’t know.”
“I didn’t want to move.”
“I know that, too.”
She exhaled sharply. “Let me finish. Please.”
He raised one brow, and she shrank back. “I’m sorry,” she muttered.
He simply kept staring at her.
“I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want my parents to have to move. Hollybrook was our home. Had been our home my whole life and my parents’ whole lives. It didn’t seem right that we had to leave.” Honor bit her lip. She would rather be anyplace in the world except there. Anyplace. Her hands were sweating now, and all she wanted to do was stay quiet. All she wanted to do was to curl up in his arms. Feel his heartbeat on her cheek.
But it wasn’t to be. She had to finish; she had to tell him everything.
“I, uh, I tried to think of ways we could stay put. Stay here in Hollybrook.” Her mouth was dry. She licked her lips. “The only thing I could think of was to get married.”
He made a guttural sound low in his throat.
“I-I thought my parents could live with me and my husband and they wouldn’t have to move either.”
Gabe’s chair screeched on the wood floors and he jolted to his feet. His gaze bore into hers and then he started pacing. She held her breath and watched him. Round he went at the head of the table. Finally, he stopped.
“And I was there,” he said bitterly. “You needed a husband, and I was there.”
She looked up at him and nausea swept through her. She felt horrid. Maybe she was going to vomit. Without thinking, she reached a hand toward him. His eyes widened with incredulity, and she shrank back.
“You married me for a roof over your head. For a roof over your parents’ heads.”
“I-I…” she stuttered, but he was right. That was exactly what she’d done.
“It must have killed you when you parents didn’t agree to it.” He stared at her, and she lowered her gaze. “Why didn’t you back out? Why’d you go through with it?”
She kept her eyes down, feeling like dirt. “Because it had gone too far. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You didn’t want to hurt me?” His voice raked the air.
“Nee, I didn’t,” she whispered.
“So, you needed some chump of a guy. Some ignorant fool who would be charmed by your beauty. You looked around and decided that stupid guy would be me.”
“Nee. Nee. Don’t say it like that,” she whimpered.
“And there I was. Ripe for the picking. I was the fool so blinded with adoration for you, with love for you, that I fell right into your trap.” He shook his head in disgust. “A blind fool. Stupid. Stupid. I wondered, oh, how I wondered why you were suddenly giving me attention. Why you suddenly seemed to hang onto my every word.”
He slammed his hand onto the table. “And it was all an act. You were acting. I should have known.” He groaned. “You should be in those Englisch movies, Honor. You would be a star. You certainly fooled everyone. Even your big old stupid husband.”
“Don’t,” she cried. “Don’t! It’s different now. Truly, it is. When I was in Baker’s Corner—”
“Nee!” he said vehemently. “Stop talking. Don’t keep lying to me.”
She stood up so quickly, the bench wobbled behind her. “I’m not lying! And you have to let me finish giving my side.” The words raced out of her mouth. She had to get this said, and he had to hear it. He had to hear it and know things had changed. He had to.
“In Baker’s Corner, I missed you. I know I wasn’t gone hardly at all, but something happened to me there. Something changed. Deep inside me. I missed you. Truly missed you. I wanted you, and then I realized that I loved you. I love you, Gabe. It’s the truth.”
He looked at her for a long minute and then he started to shake his head. Slowly, at first, and then more rapidly. “Nee, Honor. Nee. You got caught, so you’re trying to redeem yourself. I doubt very seriously that you decided you loved me in Baker’s Corner. Why you insist on claiming your so-called love now, is a mystery. Like I said, maybe you feel sorry for me. Maybe you feel sorry for Mamm. But I won’t be a fool twice. I’m ashamed of my own stupidity. But not again.”
“Aren’t you hearing me?” she pleaded. “I’m telling you, it’s different now. I love you.”
Every part of her yearned for him to take her in his arms. Every part of her yearned for him to really hear the truth. She’d never in her life felt so helpless, so desperate as at that moment. Her words weren’t enough. He didn’t believe her. His disbelief was written on every line of his face.
“Gabe?” she whispered. “Please.”
He gave her a look that was miles deep with sorrow, miles deep with pain.
“I’ll be in the fields,” he said abruptly and left.
Her knees nearly buckled, and she quickly sank down onto the bench. What now, she wondered. What now? Gabe would never trust her again. Never.
She’d destroyed everything with her own selfishness. And she’d destroyed the possibility of any kind of future happiness together. She shook her head. Willa had warned her. Her cousin had warned her over and over not to do this—not to marry Gabe under such pretenses. But, Honor wouldn’t listen. Oh no, she had known best.
Now look at the mess she’d made.
But she loved Gabe. She wanted to be a proper wife to him. Determination flowed through her, and she stood again, teetering at first but then standing firm. She raised her chin and marched back into the kitchen.
She’d show him. Somehow, she’d prove to Gabriel Chupp that she did love him. She wasn’t the kind of person who gave up on things. Was she? She grabbed the faucet handle and turned the hot water on full blast, filling the sink with blistering soapy water.
No. If it took her the rest of her life, she wasn’t going to give up. Somehow, she would convince Gabe that she hadn’t just said those three words out of nowhere. That they weren’t said out of pity or out of grief for his mother. She was not lying. Not this time.
She’d convince him. Somehow, she’d convince him.
Chapter Eighteen
Gabe couldn’t get the words out of his head. Nor the way Honor had said them. She had sounded almost sincere. Desperate even, for him to believe her. But right then, all he could think of was how stupid he’d been. As the pret
tiest girl in the district, Honor could have had any eligible man. So why had she gone for him with her scheme?
Because you’re the stupidest, he thought bitterly, joining his brothers.
“Where you been?” Brandon asked. “Trying to get out of the work?”
He was teasing and his other two brothers playfully slugged his shoulder. Gabe smiled, trying to put his thoughts of Honor aside. He’d think on it later.
“Will Mamm ever be able to walk again?” Roger asked, his voice catching.
There was a beat of silence, before Gabe spoke. “Of course, she will. We don’t even know for sure that she can’t.”
“But she can’t talk.”
“She hasn’t really tried,” Gabe said, not sure if that was even true.
“She needs time,” Evan interjected. “That’s what the doctor said.”
“Aren’t Englisch doctors supposed to be able to perform miracles? Isn’t that true?” Roger said, the hope on his face pathetic to see.
Gabe sighed. “That’s what they say.”
“Time,” Evan said again. “She just needs time.”
“Will Dat come home tonight?” Roger asked.
“I doubt it,” Brandon said. “He’ll want to stay if he can. And we have to assure him that everything’s fine here.”
“It is fine,” Gabe said, cringing at the irony of his words. “Let’s get back to work now.”
* * *
At five o’clock sharp, Aspen was once again hitched to the buggy and the boys were ready to go. Honor hurried outside with a basket of food on her arm.
“You sending food with us?” asked Evan.
“Nee. I’m bringing food with us.”
Evan tapped Gabe on the shoulder. “Thought she wasn’t coming.”
Gabe frowned. “I didn’t think she was.”
“Of course, I’m coming,” Honor said with false cheer. “I’m just as eager to see how Tessie is doing as all of you.”
She ignored Gabe’s look, and Evan climbed out of her seat in the buggy, getting into the back. She sat beside Gabe and settled the basket on her lap. She knew he was staring at her, and she kept her eyes straight forward. Her posture was erect and she imagined that she looked like a fence post, sitting there.
Gabe clicked his tongue and snapped the reins and Aspen moved forward.
“It could be dark on the way back,” Roger said from the back seat.
“The buggy has lights,” Gabe said.
“I know. Just don’t fancy going in the dark.”
“Sometimes, it’s necessary,” Gabe said tightly.
The tension in the buggy increased with each passing mile. Honor knew they were thinking of their mother, stewing about what Tessie might face as the days went by. Caring for her was going to be a monumental task—Honor couldn’t fool herself about that. But she would do it. Not only for Tessie, but for Gabe. She would do it tirelessly and never let a word of complaint cross her lips.
And in time, Gabe would realize she had been telling the truth. She loved him. She loved his family.
“Aren’t there certain visiting hours?” Evan asked. “We didn’t even check.”
“I’m sure we’re fine,” Gabe said.
Honor chanced a glance at him them. His profile was chiseled in stone. Looking at him, she would never guess he had a sense of humor or even a smile—let alone, a smile that could light up everything within a mile.
She groaned inwardly. Everything within a mile? Goodness, was she trying to be a poet now? She clenched the basket more tightly. No, she was trying to distract herself. Trying to shift her thoughts from the magnitude of what she’d done.
Gabe pulled the buggy into the hospital parking lot and guided the horse to the side of the lot where there were hitching posts and plenty of room for horses. When he pulled Aspen to a stop, no one moved. It was as if they didn’t want to go in. Didn’t want to be there.
“Well,” Evan said, “are we going in or not?”
“Jah.” Brandon crawled out from behind Honor, and Roger and Evan followed him.
Honor got out and Gabe secured Aspen. Together they walked into the hospital, and the acrid smell of cleanser and antiseptic met them. There was also the faint smell of flowers as they passed the gift shop. Gabe walked beside Honor, but kept as much distance between them as possible. Honor’s cheeks burned with humiliation. Why, if he moved any further away from her, he’d be walking with his side plastered against the wall.
They were admitted into the ICU, but only because the nurse seemed to have a soft sport for them. “You can’t all stay in here long,” she said. “You can take turns after this.”
Gabe nodded his thanks and they all went into Tessie’s cloth cubicle.
Nathaniel stood when they entered. “You’re here.”
“Jah, Dat. How’s she doing?”
Nathaniel looked beyond exhausted. He rubbed his hand over his long beard. “She said a word or two. Couldn’t understand her real gut, but still, she talked.”
“That’s gut, Dat. Real gut.” Gabe stood beside him.
“I brought you some food, Nathaniel,” Honor said softly. “Whenever you’re ready.”
He looked down at his sleeping wife and nodded. “I could do with some food.”
The two of them left the cubicle and went out into the hallway. They sat in a small waiting area not too far from the ICU. Honor set the basket on a low coffee table and pulled out a thick meatloaf sandwich and a container full of gelatin salad.
She then took out a thermos and poured him some coffee.
He grunted with appreciation. “This means a lot to me, daughter-in-law.”
Honor blushed with the compliment. “I was worried about you,” she said simply.
“I spoke with the doctors,” he said, around a bite of sandwich. “Tessie will be getting all sorts of physical therapy. They’ll be sending someone to the house. Maybe you can learn what to do and then, you can do it.”
Honor wasn’t surprised by his suggestion. Not many Amish were excited about Englisch folks coming into their homes regular-like. Besides, the cost of this must be enormous. She knew the district’s emergency fund would help, but without Englisch insurance—which her district forbade, the bills were going to be significant.
“I’ll do my best,” she told him and meant it.
He patted her arm. “I know you will, child. I know you will.”
She sat with him quietly while he ate. When he was finishing up, all four brothers came out to join them. There was just enough room for them all to sit.
“Did you get the back field worked?” Nathaniel asked.
“We didn’t finish it, but nearly,” Gabe told him.
Nathaniel nodded. “I won’t be coming home tonight.”
“We didn’t figure you would,” Roger said.
“All right. Just so you know.”
“Has there been any real progress?” Gabe asked, and Honor could see how nervous he was to hear the answer.
“Beyond them few words, no. I don’t understand everything the doctor tells me. I wish Old Mae was here.”
“I can fetch her if you like,” Evan offered. “Well, not tonight, but tomorrow.”
Nathaniel nodded. “I’d feel better if our own medicine woman looked at her.”
“I’ll bring her tomorrow morning if she’s free.”
They all settled into silence again, and Honor felt such affection for all of them that it brought tears to her eyes. She glanced up and saw Gabe watching her, and there was a question in his expression, but he quickly averted his eyes.
Honor felt as if she could hear the hour ticking away. Everyone looked exhausted, and she wondered if they were all falling into some sort of a trance. It was slowly growing dark outside. If they left now, they might be able to beat the darkness home, but of course, she suggested nothing. Another ten minutes or so went by before Nathaniel stood with a soft moan.
“I need to be getting back in there. I don’t know the arrangement
s for spending the night. I might be out here.” He shrugged. “Don’t matter none. I ain’t leaving.”
“There’s more food in the basket,” Honor told him. “I’ll leave it with you.”
She had packed enough for all of them to eat, but since none of the brothers mentioned being hungry, she thought it just as well. She’d rather leave all the food with Nathaniel anyway. It’d be enough for his breakfast and lunch and then some.
“Thank you, daughter,” Nathaniel said with an appreciative nod.
He’d called her daughter, not daughter-in-law, a fact that was noticed by Gabe, judging by the way his gaze darted first to his father and then to her.
“You’re welcome,” she murmured. She stood and impulsively gave Nathaniel a quick hug. “Tell Tessie we were by, would you?”
“Jah. Of course.”
“I guess we’ll be heading out,” Brandon said.
“We’ll see you tomorrow, Dat,” Gabe said.
“Don’t be skimping on work to come,” Nathaniel said. “We’re doing all right here.”
His false bravado made Honor’s throat tighten.
“And I’ll see if I can bring Old Mae,” Evan assured him.
Within minutes, Honor was back outside with the four brothers. No one said anything as they made their way to the buggy. Even the ride home was fairly quiet, only a few subdued comments about the work come morning.
Roger and Evan saw to Aspen and the buggy. Brandon disappeared into the barn, leaving Gabe and Honor walking across the yard alone.
“You want to sleep in the big house?” Gabe asked, his voice low. “It’d be more convenient if you’re taking over all the household chores.”
She glanced at him, only just able to make out his expressions in the growing darkness.
“Do you want to stay there?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I can stay in the daadi haus and you could sleep in the big house. Ain’t no reason for me to join you there.”
She stopped and stared at him. “What? What do you mean? You want to sleep apart?”
He stopped too, and chewed his lip for a moment. “I’m thinking you’d be happier that way.”
Honor's Wedding (Hollybrook Amish Romance) Page 9