I had reached hysterical and was bordering on a pitch only my fake dog could hear. I had a list of reasons to stay out of Cartwright, but Amos surpassed them all. I would be a sixty-year-old grandmother and he would be calling me Toto and talking about Julius pounding on the wall as he appreciated my sagging jugs.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Julius said loudly, as he tried to take control of the situation.
I fell completely to the ground like a broken doll. I never talked about living in Cartwright or having the desire to live in Cartwright. Maybe he was confusing me with Jennifer, but I didn’t know how to get through to him what it meant to me. I finally looked up at his nervous face and decided to just come out with it all.
“Life in Cartwright was really bad for me. I don’t want things to be normal or contained, I need them to be free and crazy and undefined. I can’t breathe in a cube. Cartwright is just one big Cube and people were really mean to me. I tried to be normal, I really did, but I wanted to die from boredom.”
I could tell my words were getting through to him by the way his eyes softened. “Would you be bored with me?” he asked and moved to sit next to me on the floor.
“No, but you would hear people laugh at me, I don’t want you of all people to hear it,” I said, and wiped off my face.
“I wanted to surprise you,” he started, and then shook his head. He was going to be as honest as I was. “No, that’s not true, I was afraid to tell you because I am afraid to trust a woman.”
It was all out in the open now. He was unable to trust, and I needed someone to love me for me. Could we go into this as imperfect people and make a life? I felt like we could.
“I’ll support you in your music, Julius. You can live with me and sing all you want. You don’t have to work, I’ll work,” I told him.
He smiled and leaned over to kiss me, “You really don’t want my money, do you?”
“I also don’t want your money to change you. You’re not a square, you’re a lemniscates, and I want you to stay a sideways figure eight forever.”
He took a very deep breath and I focused on his words because I knew this was going to be important. He looked at me for a moment and then let his eyes drop. “I need some professional help,” he finally admitted. “Would you go with me to a marriage counselor?”
Gulp. Squiggles don’t do well with counseling. I’m positive they only let squares into that profession, squares with really strong arms so they can mold other shapes into squares. “Find someone you like, and I’ll go if they request it,” I agreed.
I was actually hoping Julius’s problems would be so big they would never get around to seeing me. He nodded, and I stood to put on my pants. I was pretty much riding a relationship high. I just solved a problem with my man, my really hot man, and nothing got broken and blood wasn’t spilt. I was an adult woman talking things out. This was as good a time as any to find out the exact status of our relationship.
“If I admit something, will you promise you won’t get mad?” He gave me a hesitant look and barely nodded. “I kind of missed the words that went along with the ring. I mean, it was a squiggle ring and it threw me for a minute, and then you asked something and I thought you asked me to marry you, and I said yes, but then you started talking about something else and you didn’t put the ring on me, so I don’t know if you proposed, or sold me a ring and now I owe you money.”
He tried, bless his little sissy heart, to keep from laughing. He held it in really hard, but it was too much for him. He laughed so hard he couldn’t stand, and not just a ‘Tobi is so silly,’ chuckle, but a ‘damn, that Tobi is dumb,’ belly laugh.
When he finally calmed he said, “I’ll tell Layton to forget about the pre-nup.” Then he kissed my cheek.
WTF, pre-nup, when did I miss that little gem? I wasn’t going to have a pre-nup, everything I had would be his. Oh, wait; maybe he was protecting his stuff, not mine. I pictured a bank vault full of squiggle stuff he wanted to keep from me and it pissed me off a bit. Why would he think I planned on leaving him, ever? Squiggles don’t leave people, squares do. I wanted to literally pound that into him.
I pulled the ring from my purse and handed it to Julius. As I held out my arm, he kissed my hand and then placed the ring on my finger. It looked even prettier against my flesh and the diamonds sparkled in the light. My arms wrapped around his head, keeping my left hand extended to keep my eye on the ring. I had the greatest man in the world and I would do whatever it takes to make him secure in my love, even if I had to see a stupid therapist.
Chapter 10
Julius set up the appointment with a man his mother recommended. I wasn’t so sure we should use him, I mean; her marriage was pretty much kaput. He attended the first meeting alone. It was excruciating, and I didn’t even go. He came home talking about potty-training and being weaned off the breast too early. It seems Julius’ issues didn’t start with a cheating wife, but with a demanding father and a pushover mother. I don’t know, I think his insecurities with relationships have more to do with all the men doing his wives than his mom giving him a cup too early, but I’m not a professional.
A few weeks later, it was my turn to go to a session with him. Things were pretty low-key at home. I went to work, he worked on financing for the clubs and we pretty much copulated everywhere in the house, except the kitchen table… we weren’t animals.
Claire and Amos didn’t have a big wedding but preferred a justice of the peace thing without any witnesses. I’m sure she was humiliated to be attached to the Hulk until death. I didn’t blame her for being discrete. He finished his police training and Claire moved to Cartwright. They lived in the Stanley’s house and paid rent to Julius. That alone was reason to attend counseling.
We showed up bright and early to our appointment; because I noticed throughout my life squares don’t really like early mornings... it evened the playing field a bit. Wow, that’s how things should be solved, on a playing field. A rousing game of tether ball to decide if Julius’s parents messed him up or his whorish wives. Then, hopscotch to decide where our home should be. I was confident I would win, Julius had really huge feet.
The counselor walked into the room to the sound of da, da, dum and I looked around to see if anyone else heard it. The man was young, crap, nothing was worse than young squares. He gave me a courteous nod and then opened a notebook, a square notebook.
“We’re going to play a little game,” Dr. Minton said, and I looked around for the ping-pong paddles or the Twister pad. “Have you ever done free-association? I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind without giving it any thought.”
I almost cried with delight, there was a game specifically designed for squiggles. I would have come to counseling willingly if my other therapists would have played squiggle games with me.
“Julius, I’ll start with you first. Child.”
“Love,” Julius answered. It was such a sweet answer, not the one I would have gone with, but I smiled and patted his arm in support.
“Money.”
“Lies,” Julius said in a softer voice.
I furrowed my brow and wondered why he thought money could lie. It was just something you needed to pay bills, it had no real power.
“Trust.”
“Lies,” Julius said again, and Dr. Minton wrote something in his notebook.
“Women.”
Julius sighed because he was going to use the word lies again, but went with, “Deception.”
My guy wasn’t very good at this game and appeared to be practically folding in on himself. His arms were crossed, and his shoulders slumped forward. I couldn’t wait for my turn. This was a game I knew I could win, even if I didn’t understand the rules. Dr. Minton wrote for a moment and then turned to me. I smiled and sat forward as if it was a timed event.
“Love,” he said.
“Chalk,” I answered quickly.
“Baby.”
“Veggies,” I tossed right back.
“
Kiss.”
“Secret,” I answered, causing Julius to pale a bit and Dr. Minton to write furiously. He glanced up again and said, “Mother.”
“Fucker,” I said, and then gasped and covered my mouth. I was never one to cuss much and especially with that particular word.
“I’m sorry,” Dr. Minton said with a chuckle, “I usually don’t ask for explanations, but I have to know. Chalk?” he asked.
“Yeah, when you love someone it makes you think of a heart. And it makes me want to draw hearts all over my sidewalk and driveway.” I turned to look at Julius and said, “I would draw hearts for you all down my driveway, if I had chalk.”
My mother never allowed me to play with sidewalk chalk. She felt it made the house appear trashy. I personally think she was more afraid of what I would draw. I was chastised by my third-grade art teacher because my rendition of a bowl of fruit appeared vulgar. I’m sorry, but a banana and plums are not meant to be offensive in any way.
“I’ll get you some chalk,” Julius said, and ran his finger through my hair as I grinned widely. I was quickly forgetting about the perfect squiggle game and turning my attention to my perfect partner sitting next to me. Something in his eyes still looked vulnerable, but his touch told me he was truly becoming mine.
“What about Veggies, for the word baby?” Dr. Minton asked to get our attention.
“Baby carrots, baby squash, baby corn.”
“I see,” he said, and then leaned closer, “Secret for kiss?”
He was expecting some really deep psychological problem I had with kissing; I could tell by the way his eyes lit up. Julius fidgeted and most likely expected something bad. I looked between them both and then explained. “Yeah, um, I happen to know several people who would love to kiss Julius, but I’m not telling him who they are because, well, it would be stupid to let him know he has other options. Plus, we got caught kissing at work when we should have been keeping our relationship a secret.”
I looked at Dr. Feelgood and decided to explain my last answer, so he wouldn’t have to ask. “I said the F word to Mother because Julius says that a lot when he orgasms.”
My guy blushed as the doctor wrote furiously again. I knocked my knee against his and tried to make him relax a bit. The doctor ended my efforts by finally looking up again and said to me, “Now, let’s discuss the need to use an alias for your name.”
Wait, wait, wait a second. My name had nothing to do with Julius’s trust issues. I wasn’t the one coming here for a psychological examination, I had plenty of those as a child when I let all the animals lose from the science lab and they never found the snake.
“It isn’t a need,” I said angrily. “I need Julius to trust I love him. I need Julius to believe I will never leave him, and I need Julius to know we will do everything it takes to make a marriage work.
The doctor looked at Julius for a moment as if trying to decide where to go next. He eventually asked, “What can Tobi do to help you know she loves you?”
Julius was quiet and seemed to be searching for strength to speak truthfully. He finally shook his head and said, “I don’t know. I keep waiting for the hook. She doesn’t seem interested in my money; she encourages my singing but doesn’t push me to do it for recognition. I gave her a platinum card and she hasn’t even used it.”
Yeah, he did offer me a card, like I needed to purchase things so he could still live with me. I took it because he offered it right before climbing into my bed. I didn’t want a long drawn out conversation, since I planned on having a long drawn out lovin’ session. I knew I would never use it, but since it came from his hands I put it in the picture section of my wallet, so I could be reminded of him.
I looked at the doctor and smiled, “It is so pretty, do you want me to show it to you?”
“Why haven’t you used it?” Dr. Delver asked.
“For what?”
“For stuff you want,” he tried to explain.
“I don’t want anything,” I shrugged.
“You don’t like to shop?” the doctor asked with a hint of disbelief, and I wondered who worked with him on his trust issues.
“I love to shop,” I spoke up. “Especially at the grocery store, they give out free samples.”
Since he wasn’t getting anywhere with me he turned back to Julius and asked, “Why does it bother you she doesn’t use the card?”
Now we were getting into the deep stuff, because most guys would be happy their girl wasn’t spending him into the poor house. Julius looked tortured and I focused really hard to listen to his answer. “Because it is all I have to give to her, if she doesn’t want my money I have nothing else to offer,” he said, and wouldn’t look at me.
Tears burned my eyes as I tried to think of any way to make him see how great he was. It angered me that someone as sweet and sensitive as Julius didn’t think he had anything of value. “You have plenty to offer,” I said with a snort, that I meant to be a huff.
The room was quiet for a moment and Julius finally asked, “You mean sex?”
“No,” I said angrily, and then quickly added, “Yes,” in case he thought I didn’t want sex anymore. “You have your gorgeous body sure, but I’m talking about your kindness and gentleness, your intelligence and business sense, but mostly your patience and understanding with me.”
Julius broke into a sly smile and looked at the doc and said, “I’m a lucky man.”
“You’re a stupid man,” I mumbled, and the doctor gave me a stupid look for calling a fragile, love-doubting man stupid. “Don’t look at me like that,” I said to Dr. Omnipotent. “He is stupid to put me in the same category as Trashley and Jenniwhore. I don’t lump him in with Jack and Ryan.”
“Ryan?” Julius asked. Dang, did I say that out loud? “Is he the guy you mentioned to my mother?”
This was not the conversation I wanted to have while Julius was still on thin ice. I felt we needed very thick ice for this subject, an iceberg would be nice. “He met Jennifer at church,” I said to put the conversation back on my fragile man.
“Tell me about Ryan,” Julius pushed, since he wasn’t easily distracted like I was.
“He was the guy I, you know, lost it with,” I said, and quickly brought up Jennifer again to deflect.
“Your virginity, right?” Julius asked. I would pay a million bucks for him to have Amos’s small brain for the next hour.
“You weren’t a virgin either,” I pointed out, and then I noticed he suddenly kept his mouth shut, making me ask, “Was Ashley your first?”
Dr. Big Nose spoke so we would both focus back onto him. “I think this is a safe environment to discuss the loss of virginity, who would like to go first?”
Was he kidding? Nobody discusses the loss of their virginity in a safe environment. You lie about it until it becomes totally insignificant to the current relationship and then you change the story into something romantic and worthy of love songs. The initials after his name were not going to intimidate me into sharing.
“You,” I said loudly, and Julius looked at me to see I was looking at Dr. Horndog and not him. If we had to spill, so did the square psychologist.
“That’s not appropriate,” Dr. Minton said, and I heard, “I’m a big chicken and can’t tell you because it may have been Kev.”
I laughed at what a coward he was, and then looked at my gorgeous, twice married non-virgin. “I’m not letting him get all hot and bothered over my story,” I said to Julius.
“It’s a story that will get him hot and bothered?” Julius asked angrily.
“The way I plan on telling it, he will,” I said with a smile, and my guy actually laughed. We didn’t need this pencil neck to help us; we were capable of talking and sharing right after Julius pounded on a wall. I stood and held out my hand. “Let’s go home and see if anyone can hear your profanity before we talk about all of this.”
The doctor, who had been most likely planning his new swimming pool with Julius’s admission he had lots of money, st
ood and tried to salvage his prized patient. “I need more time with Julius to help him see things clearly.”
Julius squeezed my hand and smiled before saying, “I think I see just fine.”
We rushed out to the car and sat inside as we kissed and groped each other, maybe he didn’t mean to grope me, but my unimpressive chest was all up in his business, so he groped. He drove home quickly, and I really hoped we wouldn’t be pulled over, because a ticket right now would pretty much ruin the mood. Luckily, we made it home cop free, except my boobs, they were copped a lot.
When we were both lucid again he rubbed my arm gently and asked, “Now, about Ryan?”
I couldn’t back out, since I had promised him the story, so I took a deep breath and began to explain. “I was with Claire when she met a really awful guy, who she ended up marrying. He had a friend named Ryan, who was a bit more tolerable. They took us to a party without realizing girls can’t drink as much as guys, so Claire and I were wasted… and underage.”
“He took advantage of you drunk,” Julius asked in shock.
“No, they took us to Ryan’s place to keep an eye on us, or to keep us from telling anyone they gave us beer. We woke up the next morning and Claire decided she was in love. I think it had more to do with Amos’s muscles than his personality and intellect. So, she climbed out of the bed she was in with me and into his. I figured if she was going to lose her virginity, I was too.”
“Claire has only been with Amos?” he asked with wide eyes.
“No,” I laughed. “They broke up off and on because he wasn’t around very much… hey, yeah, he was in the military. It makes sense now.”
“Back to Ryan,” Julius pressed.
“He walked into the room and said he wanted back in his own bed. I scooted over, and he climbed in with me. We didn’t have any big discussion or anything. He asked if I wanted to ‘ride the wild monkey,’ and I shrugged and then nodded.”
“He actually said those words?” my sweet-talking man asked in shock. I couldn’t imagine someone like Julius using those words. I could easily see Jack saying something like that, but not Julius.
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