Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  “Yes, he did, but it wasn’t that wild, it was more like riding the scared sloth.”

  “Did he know you were a virgin?”

  “He did when I ruined his sheets, but it wouldn’t have mattered. He was way too square to let go in bed. I bet C3PO was less stiff then Ryan, well, except for where it counted.” I could tell my story was upsetting him, but he was the one who pushed me to tell it. I wasn’t sugar coating it or twisting it. I was simply being honest, and I expected him to do the same.

  “Did it make you hate sex?” Julius asked, as if taking a poll.

  “No, it made me very determined to do it right,” I said, and he laughed.

  “So, who taught you to do it right?” he asked, and I rolled my eyes because he really, really, didn’t understand how freaking amazing he was as a lover.

  “I met this guy who had a squiggle pen and a filthy mouth, but he could do it twice in one evening before writing something incredible on my arm.” I watched his mouth form a smile and his chest stuck out a bit with pride.

  “Do you still have the pen?” he asked seductively.

  Oh, Fork!

  How do you explain to a sensitive man that when his whore of a wife’s daddy told me never to call again I passed on our symbol of love to the gay guy who wanted to do him from behind? I took my own advice and lied quickly and thoroughly. I said, “It is on my desk, haven’t you noticed it?”

  “It’s small, I’m sure I’ve seen it,” he said, and I nodded as if I totally believed him. I knew from experience squiggle pens were not easy to come by, making Julius’s gift to Kevin so much better than the rainbow pen Kev gave to him.

  The pen dilemma was not going to preoccupy my mind and make me forget Julius made me confess my loss of virginity story, so he was going to have to share his, unless he had another squiggle pen. I would lose all focus if he pulled out one of those.

  “So, Ashley wasn’t your first?” I asked and watched him turn pale again.

  “Um…no. Tobi, I want you to think really hard. Are you sure you want to hear this story?”

  Now I really, really wanted to hear the story, without even thinking hard. I checked to make sure I still had his ring, so yeah; I wanted to hear the story. “Go ahead, I’m ready,” I said.

  He took a deep breath for courage and began. “After my first semester of college, I went home to Atlanta with Travis to meet his family. We all went to this small pond one night to skinny dip and things kind of…”

  “You lost your virginity to Travis?” I screamed, because I was NOT ready for that.

  “Hell, no,” he said, and smacked my butt. “His sister, Analise.”

  I tried really hard to rearrange the words. I knew Analise; she was there for the tomato fiasco. She glared at me as if I gave away her pin number by talking southern when I was obviously northern. She knew my man, intimately, taking advantage of his lack of swimwear when he was but a child.

  “Isn’t she older than you?” I asked and wanted to hear she was fifty when she found him naked in the mud.

  “Five years,” he said. “I think she viewed me as a project,”

  “So, she drags her old butt to the pond and decides to corrupt a boy and the Stovall’s see nothing wrong with it?” I asked in shock since they found Sara so offensive at first.

  “I flirted shamelessly with her, and we were drinking at the pond, so it wasn’t like I was begging her to leave me alone,” he clarified, and I realized yet again, my guy just didn’t know how to pick decent women, aside from me, of course. I also wanted to point out Julius was northern, but I remembered the Stovall’s didn’t mind diddling people from the north; they just didn’t want them in their family.

  “Did you pound on the ground?” I asked.

  He looked away before saying, “Water.”

  “What?” I asked and leaned over to look at his face.

  “We did it in the water,” he clarified, and then quickly added, “And no, I didn’t slap the water or cuss. It was more of an educational session.”

  “Like tab A goes into slot B?” I asked sadly, because it was all too sad to contemplate. He was in college and only then learning about the birds and bees.

  “I wasn’t that naïve,” he laughed.

  I smiled and decided to ask one last question before moving on to a different subject, “When we all went to Barney’s that night, did you plan on sleeping with me?”

  He reached up with his hand and held my cheek in his palm. “I hoped you would dance with me. I never dreamed I would go to your house.” Ah, he would have been happy with just a dance. Dang, I should have only danced with him; it would have spared us a lot of problems.

  He continued on, “When we had sex it was so intense I felt like I left a bit of myself with you. I knew at that moment you should be mine, I just didn’t know you lied about your name.” I leaned over and licked his face in retaliation.

  We remained in my bed and enjoyed the silence until I could hear him snoring softly. I reached over him for my laptop, since I wasn’t tired but didn’t want to leave his side. I got on the internet and began searching for a squiggle pen as fast as possible. I also did a little Google search of Analise Stovall, the child molester. She had accusing eyes, just like her brother. No wonder she did Julius in the dark and in the water.

  The next day, I stood outside my cube trying to think of any way I could work without entering the dang thing. I looked at my sisters and smiled as I gave them a small wave from outside the cube, but then the sicko Kurt walked toward me, and I quickly entered.

  “Are you actually working today?” he said with a sneer, and I ignored him. “Or are you privileged because you sleep with the boss’s son.”

  “I can’t hear you,” I said loudly, and kept looking away from him.

  “Maybe I can get my dad to hire you, so I can have a turn,” he added, and my sisters gasped.

  I turned to look at his greasy hair and sex offender smile as my anger burned inside of me. “Your father could be king of the world and I wouldn’t touch you with a condom over my entire body.”

  I was speaking loudly so he decided to match my volume, thus allowing the entire row to witness our fight. “Wow, he must be paying you a lot for your services.”

  I reached for my letter opener. It was time; he had left his foul stench in this office long enough.

  “Why don’t you get to work and shut your filthy mouth,” someone said loudly.

  I stood in my cube and looked back at Susan standing authoritatively in defense of my guy… well, technically the guy she wanted, but I would take her bad-assness right now.

  Kurt looked at her with shock, and said, “What’s it to you?”

  “We don’t let people come into our department and start causing trouble, we’ve put up with enough of it from you,” she continued.

  “Yeah, Tobi is one of us, so leave her alone,” Kev added.

  I gave him a fist pump in agreement. I worked in this cube long enough to expect loyalty from my fellow cubeologist. Sues shocked the heck out of me, but Kevin owed me big time. Although, something told me he was speaking just to get Kurt to look at him.

  We all calmed down and slowly got to work. I was proud of my Microsoft-beating co-workers. They defended me when I needed them, and I was determined to find a way to pay them back for their kindness. I sat in my cube with my screen up, my hands on the keyboard, and my eyes shut as I tried to come up with a good idea… and steal a few moments of sleep. It just happened to be the exact few moments Travis began his rounds. I blinked a couple of times to wake myself up and found him staring at me over my cubicle wall.

  “Dang it,” I whispered at my sisters for not waking me up.

  “Are you sick?” he asked me with his tight-ass voice.

  “No,” I responded with my own smart-ass voice.

  “She’s been sleeping all day,” Kurt said with his nosey-ass voice. “I think she feels entitled since she is sleeping with the boss’s son.”

  “Trav
is is my boss, you idiot, and he doesn’t have a son,” I smirked across the aisle.

  “I think Human Resources would be interested to hear the owner’s son’s twat gets special privileges because he is friends with her supervisor,” Kurt said, to scare the southern comfort out of Travis.

  “I’m not giving her a pass, I’m writing her up for this,” Travis said, and I glared at him because yeah, I did feel a bit entitled.

  “And….” I coached the ghost of Gettysburg.

  “And what?” he asked.

  “And you’re writing up Kurt for the foul, sexist remark he just made, right?”

  “Oh, yeah, Kurt, we don’t tolerate that language,” Travis said, and Kurt glared at me.

  My phone rang, and I picked it up without thinking, and said harshly, “What do you want?”

  Travis almost wet himself, but it was nothing compared to what I wanted to do when I heard it was Julius’s mother. She wanted me to go to dinner with her, alone, just me and her, in the dark, in the big city where bodies can be easily hidden. I put the letter opener in my purse just in case I needed to defend myself.

  I didn’t know if I should tell Julius or not. I didn’t want to worry him, but he was gone so much lately I felt he owed me a bit of worry. When it was time to leave work, I walked to Kevin’s cube and waited for him to stop smiling at Kurt and look at me. “I need advice,” I said weakly.

  “It doesn’t look that bad,” he said.

  Huh? Something looked a little bad and he was reassuring me it wasn’t THAT bad. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I ran my hands down my hair to smooth it and then straightened my clothing. “Julius’s mom wants to have dinner with me,” I explained.

  Kevin laughed and said, “Take her to McDonalds and order her a child’s meal.”

  Wow, I didn’t even consider who would be paying. Maybe I would be using the platinum card after all.

  “I don’t think she likes me. She wouldn’t let me shower with her son.”

  Suddenly Kevin looked a lot happier, as if the uptight mamma would let him shower with her son. It angered me that my disappointment led to his celebration. I was tired of his jealousy even though he had just proven his friendship by defending me. I looked at Kurt and motioned for him to come join us. He walked hesitantly to my side and looked at Kev, just a bit too long. Maybe my revenge wasn’t going to be a bad thing after all. “He thinks you’re hot,” I announced, and then walked away to let them figure out who I was talking about.

  I headed home and began the long process of finding the appropriate outfit. I wanted to look sophisticated, but I also knew there was a possibility of a bitch fight, so I needed to wear comfortable shoes. My full-length mirror had a reflection of someone who appeared calm and relaxed. It was nothing like I felt, but I would go along with the charade. I crawled onto my closet floor to retrieve the shirt Charlotte let me wear, so I could return it to her, and then headed to the hotel where we planned to meet. I didn’t know it had a restaurant and was grateful I didn’t have to go to a room with her.

  She waved at me the moment I entered the lobby and walked over to place her arm in mine. “You look lovely, sweetheart,” she said, but I was waiting to see how dinner progressed before I believed her. Squiggles were blunt, but squares tended to be coy.

  We sat down, and both ordered a glass of wine. The tension was growing, and I wanted to ask her to please get to the point of our meeting, so I wouldn’t have to wait for the steak I planned on ordering. I realized Charlotte was very nervous and it actually calmed me down a bit. If she was the nervous one, it shifted the power to me. I loved power shifts, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear anything square Charlotte was worried about. She finally cleared her throat and looked directly at me. “Tobi, may I ask you a question?”

  “Do I have to answer it?” I asked, because I wanted to set up the ground rules right away. This conversation could easily take a wild turn and I wanted to know I had the option to shut the heck up if I needed.

  “Well, it is a female question,” she said shyly.

  “Oh, yes, I’m a female,” I answered, but I was a bit pissed she didn’t know it without asking. I sat a little straighter and tried to expand my less than remarkable bosom.

  She stared at me in the perplexed way I was accustomed to and finally continued. “Have you ever felt, I’m a bit embarrassed, but I feel William is bored with me, do you have any suggestions?”

  “Are you saying boring stuff?” I asked, because it would be easy to fix if she would just stop.

  “I’m talking about,” she leaned in really close and whispered, “In bed.”

  Yeah, I bet Charlotte is really boring in bed; squares just can’t go with the flow. I wondered how Julius learned his moves… no, I’m going to stop wondering because I could hear Sweet Home Alabama beginning to play in my head. I quickly set my wine glass back down and asked my own shocking question. “I thought you guys were separated?”

  She waved her hand to dismiss my concern and explained as if I had no idea how the real world worked. “Marriages have their ups and downs. It was a phase.”

  I don’t care how up or down Julius and I got, I would never let him have a fling with a high school girl. And, I would never be interested in a man old enough to be my father and looked like my grandfather. I realized once again how messed up Julius was when it came to love, and none of it was his fault.

  “Aren’t you guys like… old?” I asked and saw tears in her eyes, so I quickly gave her something else to think about. “I just mean, how wild are you willing to get? Are you limber?”

  “I just want to surprise him,” she said, and the perfect thing popped into my mind.

  “Do it in his office chair,” I said, “Julius loves that.” I figured I either gave her something to work toward, or I just killed my future in-laws, either way I was good.

  “Do you wear anything special?” she asked, and I realized maybe that was what we did wrong, we needed special equipment for chair sex. I shook my head because it was true, but also because I didn’t want them doing hotter stuff than us.

  “William dear seems like he is always in control, take his control away,” I suggested. “Tie him up or use handcuffs, heck, saddle him up and ride him like a wild stallion until he’s a broken trail horse.”

  Charlotte laughed, but I had to swallow down the bile from the images running through my head. It was ruining my meal, and when I pictured William dear with a pen in his mouth all I saw was a bridle bit and bare-butt chaps. I lost my appetite for steak and ordered soup instead.

  Chapter 11

  It was fall when Julius said the club was up and running and we needed to make the move permanently to Harborton. Julius had ideas for our eventual home but planned for us to live on a houseboat for now. I loved the idea of a floating home… as-long-as he never floated away without me. Our next hurdle to pass, was announcing our wedding to his parents. I hoped Charlotte was able to pull off the chair so William dear would be in a better mood, but I doubted it.

  Julius and I made the long drive to their hotel and sat in a room filled with Edwardian furniture. Charlotte was positioned in a chair next to William dear, and I was shocked when he lit a cigarette. It was California, where most people were health conscious, but the image did seem to fit his gruff exterior.

  “I’m assuming you are here with an announcement?” William dear said with a bit of anger in his voice.

  “Yep,” I said, and held up my hand. My guy seemed to shrink in the presence of his parents and it wasn’t like I told them about our chair incident. I sat up straighter to make up for Julius’ slouching.

  “Son, you are making another mistake,” William dear said, and totally ignored me.

  “Not this time,” Julius said forcefully. You tell him, baby.

  “Third time’s a charm?” his father asked cynically. I was done with his attitude and his attempt to rain on our parade. We were not asking for permission, we were two fully grown adults… I glance
d at my chest and sighed, and we could do anything we wanted.

  I took the opportunity to interrupt and said, “Um…we’re not here to listen, we’re here to talk.” Because frankly, when William dear spoke, all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

  I felt a shiver of fear when William dear looked at me with distain. “What exactly do you do at Carmichael Corporation?” I noticed he used the company name to remind me it was HIS company. He was so predictable.

  “I’m not really sure, I mean, I just found out what the company does. I sit in a cube, which you should really look at changing, because you can’t be creative in a box. Especially sitting by someone like Kurt, the guy is a total butt-wipe, and the only person who likes him is Kevin, and only because Julius turned out not to be gay.”

  “Tobi,” Julius whispered. I turned to look at him as he said, “This is an example of a conversation that should stay in your head.”

  “Oh, okay.” I turned back to his father, “I answer e-mails.”

  His eyes moved from mine to look at his son. “You’re marrying a girl from customer service?”

  He asked like I was some mutant buried deep within the company. I knew he didn’t believe we helped him beat Microsoft. I bet he really thinks he did it alone.

  “No, I’m marrying a girl who is going to help me run my club,” Julius said to let the cat out of the bag. I wonder how that phrase started. Who walked around with cats in a bag and then let one out? It would be easier to keep gerbils in a bag, or maybe mice. I felt Julius nudge me and put my listening face back on.

  “This is a waste of your talent, of your education, and jeopardizes your posterity’s inheritance,” William dear yelled loudly, and then put out his cigarette without ever taking a puff. It was a prop, just one more thing to make Mr. Carmichael feel better than everyone else. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it just made him look like an ass.

  “You built your company, let me build something of mine. Maybe it will take off and maybe it will fail, but it is my failure, Father, not yours,” Julius yelled back to finally stand up for himself.