Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  I heard weddings are more-or-less about the superstitions. My future happiness depended on an array of little tidbits, like the weather, the number of guests, and the amount of crock pots received. I think throwing Kurt into the equation would upset the balance of nature and doom us to divorce.

  The place was empty, as I stood with my box of personal items and looked at the rows of cubicles. They resembled prison cells and I was happy to be receiving clemency. I didn’t feel ready to be a wife, and definitely not ready to be a mother, but I felt totally ready to love Julius with everything I had. His path had been difficult, but he ended up here, in a cube, where I could find him. I smiled as I headed down the stairs, tapping out a rhythm with my heels. My life was about to change forever, and this time I swear I heard a bell.

  A few days later I had plans to look for linens, but Julius woke me up when I heard him talking on the phone. He was talking loudly and seemed very excited about something. I put on a robe in case his conversation was with someone on the boat and not on the phone, I wasn’t making that mistake again.

  He waved me over when our eyes met, and I skipped up to his smiling face and let him wrap his arm around me. “I’ll talk with my wife and give you a call,” he said. He hung up and lowered his face to give me a kiss.

  “I like it when you call me your wife,” I admitted. It was premature, but not in a bad way.

  His hands came inside my robe and pulled me against his body. “I like it when you have nothing on under your robe,” he admitted, and I smiled widely. I let my hands follow the same path as his and settle on his perfect butt. “I want to show you some land today,” he said.

  “Call it whatever you want,” I teased, and he raised his eyebrows with interest.

  “Tobi, are you trying to seduce me?” he asked. Did he really need to ask? Yeah, my guy was really slow to the trigger. Jennifer probably had him hog tied to the bed frame before he realized he had been simply next in line.

  “I’m trying really, really hard to seduce you, is it working?”

  He suddenly bent to wrap his arms around my legs and picked me up off the ground and over his shoulder. We collapsed onto the bed together and I laughed when he pulled off the robe and tossed it onto the floor. Naughty, naughty robe. After my limbs turned to putty and his hand was red from banging on the wall, we decided to shower and head out to see his land.

  It was outside the Harborton town limits and toward Cartwright, I was beginning to think my guy had some sort of internal magnet that drew him to the stupid town. We drove to a spot covered in trees and when he stopped the car I stepped out and closed my eyes. I tried to envision the perfect house, with kids running around in the yard. I opened my eyes when the kids began fighting and I was screaming for them to wait until their father got home.

  “Oh, my heck, Julius, our kids are brats,” I gasped loudly, and he only smiled. I guess having bratty kids with me would be preferable to having little sluts with Jennifer.

  “I can get a great deal on this lot, but you have to be open minded when I tell you the rest of the deal, okay?” I was a squiggle, I was so open minded my mind almost fell out of my skull, many times. I waited to hear the rest of the deal I had to be open minded about before I committed to being open minded.

  “I can only get this land if I take a package deal, and someone else would build next to us.”

  No wonder the kids were fighting, they weren’t all our kids. The neighbor’s kids were the brats and mine were simply defending themselves.

  “As long as it isn’t that darned Rockette hanging on to dear life, I’m good with having neighbors,” I told him, and he looked a bit nervous. Hum…why would Julius look nervous about the possibility of having neighbors? I mean, he bought the Staple house and that is as low as you can go, unless it was Amos…. “Oh my gosh,” I screamed at him. “You expect me to live next to Amass?”

  “You love Claire,” Julius said to soften my reaction.

  It was like telling the down-winders in Nevada not to think about the cancer, just think about the pretty mushroom clouds the nuclear tests made. I was open minded, but I wasn’t brain dead. Amos as a neighbor was not something I would agree to, ever.

  I got back into the car and sat with my fingers in my ears. It was juvenile, I know, but we were talking about AMOS!! His smell alone would kill any flowers I planted. Granted, all men find their farts amusing, but his were deadly.

  Julius walked to the car and knelt next to my seat. “Tobi, honey, this is an amazing deal that is too good to pass up. Mr. Bicknell would be the partner on the land, not Amos.”

  “But he would build a house for Claire, wouldn’t he?” I pointed out, so he knew I wasn’t stupid, but darn, now he knew I could hear him, so I let my fingers fall from my ears.

  “You can always hope Amos gets shot,” he said to encourage me just a bit, but in Cartwright he would have to shoot himself with his own gun… hey, there was hope after all.

  “Can our house have its back to theirs, like a house butt they have to look at?” I asked as I felt my resolve melting.

  “Do you really want Amos to have access to our house’s butt?” Julius asked, and I must admit I really saw his point.

  I glanced around the property and realized there were a lot of trees, so maybe we could block off the sight of their house, but when people asked where we lived, and we had to say, “Next to the Dunns,” it would be so humiliating. And, did I really want my kids playing with their ugly children?

  “Tobi,” Julius said, and reached up to wipe away a tear, “You’re talking in your head again.”

  I looked at my wonderful fiancé who loved me unconditionally, even after I almost killed him with chair sex. I would do anything to make him happy, so I nodded and said, “Let’s go for it.”

  On the drive back to our boat, I began sketching my dream house. Julius kept watching to make sure I wasn’t drawing a house that looked like a bowl of spaghetti. I could see it perfectly in my mind; it had a big porch going all the way around the house and wide stairs leading to the door. Each end on the front of the house had big windows covering the circular walls giving it an English castle look. Stained glass was above the square windows and their wavy pattern would be subtle, but so crucial.

  “I absolutely love it,” Julius said, and took my hand to kiss my fingers.

  I then drew the side of the house, the side facing Goliath’s property. I placed a tall narrow door in the middle and tall thin windows in a line next to both sides of the door, essentially giving him the finger to stare at all day.

  “We’ll work on that one,” Julius said, and I gave him a live version of the finger.

  I was adamant about no straight hallways or totally square rooms. The floor plan would be open, and Julius’s office would be shaped like a stop sign. The bedrooms would all have angles and slants, which the architect insisted caused wasted space, but space was never wasted when it gave a house a way to breathe and giggle. Claire’s house was going to be one giant square, because she was a square and Amos was a giant.

  Chapter 12

  The day finally came for our wedding. I had stayed at my parents’ house in Cartwright and hadn’t seen Julius for four days. My mother wouldn’t allow an orange dress, but I found one with a full skirt which was drawn up in various places making it look like it was full of squiggles. It had one bare shoulder and one long sleeve made of lace. I loved it.

  Claire looked beautiful in her deep red dress with her long blonde tresses. The soft yellow didn’t overwhelm tiny Sara either. The only fight I had with Julius was over the best man. I wanted him to choose Travis, but he wanted S’bastard.

  I sat in the club’s office as Sara worked on my hair and make-up. Claire was constantly complaining about her disappearing waistline, but I wasn’t listening. Just knowing Julius was somewhere in the club was driving me crazy.

  Charlotte stuck her head into the room and seemed to relax when she saw my non-orange dress. “The club is filling up quickly
, are you almost ready?” she asked.

  “How’s Julius doing?” I inquired. Her son was surely a pro by now at dressing in a tux and waiting at an altar, but maybe he was growing worried about doing it yet again and wanted to run.

  “He’s been smiling from ear-to-ear all morning,” she said, and it made me smile from ear-to-ear to hear it.

  Sara finished her touch up, so I stood and picked up my bouquet. “Are those chocolate?” Claire asked, as she stared at my red foil-wrapped flowers.

  “Yeah, want a bite?” I asked, as I unwrapped one of my roses and took a nibble off the top.

  “Goodness, yes,” she sighed, and I unwrapped a second one for her. “I’m craving sweets like crazy.” I didn’t want to point out it could be the reason for the disappearing waistline. I would let her believe it was the huge baby she was carrying instead.

  My dad knocked on the door and we headed into the hallway to wait our turn at walking down the aisle. Claire stepped proudly into view as the crowd all mumbled about her beauty. Sara waved back at me and then stepped into the open. I wasn’t nervous, I was excited. I had no doubts and knew I would love my husband until the moment I died. And, if there is any consciousness at that point, I’ll still love him.

  “I can’t believe this day has come,” my father said softly as he tried not to cry. I wasn’t sure if he meant it came too quickly, or he couldn’t believe some sap was going to marry me. I leaned over and took another nibble off my roses instead of asking for clarification.

  I chose to walk down the aisle to one of Julius’s songs. He recorded it on a guitar and when I heard the tune my dad and I stepped around the corner as everyone stood. I saw Julius standing on the stage with a red carpet leading up the stairs. He had on a tux and a bright orange tie. My eyes filled with tears and I had to blink several times to keep them at bay.

  For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged.

  My father used to talk about the day he would walk me down the aisle. He said it would be the proudest moment of his life. I’m not sure why, since it is supposed to be all about the bride, not her father. But, I was his only child, so I wanted it to be special for him. I had no intentions of ever doing it again, unless Julius gets hit by a train and Mr. July from my calendar is available.

  My father took a slow step, and then another slow step. Oh, heck no, with a side of in your dreams. I wasn’t walking toward the sexy man waiting for me at a slow pace, no way. I stopped and handed my dad the roses before kissing him quickly. “I love you, dad, you can go sit with mom.” I took one last bite of chocolate and turned to run toward Julius.

  He laughed as I collided into him, smiling with my chocolate covered teeth. He reached up with his finger and wiped chocolate from the edge of my lips, so I pulled up my one sleeve and wiped my entire mouth.

  “Don’t mess up your… never mind,” he said with a smile. It was my day and he was letting it be all about me.

  I felt astounded by the amount of love I had for him. I had only been away from him for four days, but I missed him with a heavy ache in my heart. How could anyone cheat on him? He was so… good, everything about him was good and he didn’t deserve the pain weak women caused him.

  “No orange dress?” he whispered.

  “It’s called a compromise, but I got an awesome wedding cake.”

  “Are you going to listen to the constable?” he asked me.

  “Probably not,” I told him honestly. “I’ll never cheat on you and I will love you from beyond the grave.”

  “It’s not time yet,” he said, and turned me to face the man being paid to join us together.

  I caught a glimpse of the best man looking at my chest, so I pointed my finger and gave him a threatening stare to warn him not to pull anything today. I didn’t care if he was going to be my brother-in-law or not. If he messed this up for me, he was dead.

  I turned my attention to the officiator thinking he would say a few simple lines which we would reply, ‘yes’, and be pronounced man and wife. But, this guy was going on-and-on about what marriage was about and living with each other’s weaknesses. I looked back to see if my father was close enough to bring me my chocolate roses, but he was sitting empty handed, which sent me into a whole where are my roses inner conversation. I finally sighed loudly, too loudly, and it was picked up by Mr. Word Vomit’s microphone causing the crowd to chuckle.

  I leaned over to speak quietly, unknowingly only moving closer to the microphone. “Can you just marry us; I’m not really listening to the advice.”

  The man gave me an appalled look, which we squiggles get a lot of, too, and skipped to the important stuff. He asked Julius if he would take me as his wife and I squealed a little. He then asked him to promise to love me and stay faithful to me. I collapsed against his mouth when he said, “Absolutely.” Julius pushed me back and said, “Not yet.” But, his eyes were saying something totally different.

  I was then asked if I would take Julius and I said, ‘yes’, and moved in for a kiss, but again I was pushed back. “There’s more,” he told me.

  I was asked if I would love him and stay faithful, and I nodded adamantly until it was my turn to talk. “Yes, and you will never have to worry about me cheating, because I love you so much, and well, come on, look at you.”

  The crowd laughed, and Julius finally pulled me to his lips. We were already kissing when we were pronounced man and wife, and I was really, really close to pulling a Travis right there on the clubs oddly shaped bar when Julius pulled back and smiled slyly at me. It wasn’t the kind of smile he gave when he wanted me to disrobe and get in bed; it was a smile that said he knew something I didn’t. So basically, a normal everyday smile everyone used.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I want to give you your present right now,” he said with a huge grin forming on his face.

  “I can open it now?” I asked. My mind was already spinning with what it could be, hopefully a box of squiggle pens.

  “It isn’t wrapped,” he said, and turned me to face the crowd. He moved to stand behind me with his hand around my waist, pointing to the back of the room. “Look in the very back on the left,” he whispered in my ear.

  I brought my hand up to shield my eyes from the glare of the soft lights and finally saw my gift. My hands came to my mouth and my knees buckled. Luckily, Julius was holding me up because on the back row stood my sisters, in the flesh, waving to me. He actually took the time to find the two young women from an internet picture and brought them to our wedding. I knew in that moment with absolute certainty my marriage would last forever, and we would only know happiness. My Lemniscate husband loved me, completely understood I was a squiggle, and our eternity started right now.

  I stepped off the stage and ran to go meet my sisters.

  The two young women gave me a hug and it was just like I imagined. I noticed they didn’t have on wedding rings, so obviously I was the more mature sister. “I can’t believe you’re here,” I said through my tears.

  They both wiped their own tears and then one said, “Julius doesn’t have to pay us. We’ll do it for free.”

  Well, well, well, what skuzzy little bitches my sisters turned out to be. If they thought I was letting them near my man just because we were family, they were dead wrong. He was a great guy who didn’t mean to marry whores. His days of paying anyone for anything were over. I leaned in to talk with a low voice, making it as threatening as I could. “We have a Pit Bull and a Dalmatian. If you even talk to Julius, I will have you both ripped to shreds.” I walked off to leave them standing there with their mouths wide open, most likely hoping someone else would offer to pay them.

  I rushed back to my husband’s side as he talked with guests. We wanted to go from table-to-table, but everyone formed a line because that is what they are conditioned to do. I realized most of the guests were friends of our parents. We really needed to get more friends. I did recognize a few people from work, but I had no idea who they were, so I assumed they
were programmers.

  Sues showed up with Ned Beatty and was practically shaking when her turn came to congratulate us. I remembered my promise and pushed Julius toward her. He extended his hand, but she went right in for the kill. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she pressed her full stomach against him as she devoured his mouth. He looked like a bug pinned to a board. His arms flailed in the air and his eyes were wide with fear. When she finally pulled away, his entire mouth was covered in red lipstick. My poor Julius blushed so badly he actually matched Claire’s dress.

  “Okay, now move along,” I said adamantly to Sues. Obviously, Ned thought it was a free for all, because he raised his arms toward me and began to pucker. I wasn’t kissing that, and I wasn’t going to allow that to kiss my Julius, either. I backed up quickly and then pointed at Kevin. “Kiss him,” I instructed. Ned walked off with a sad look on his face, but I did see him glance at Kev a couple of times.

  The obligatory line was moving along quickly until I looked up to see Jack staring back at me. My jaw tightened, and I narrowed my eyes. “I did not invite you,” I said harshly. He pointed at the girl standing next to him and this time my eyes bugged out when I saw it was Kelly. She actually called, after seeing another woman fake it with Jack. Man, she was a glutton for punishment, or unduly confident in his abilities. “Okay, you can stay, but don’t eat or drink anything. It is for our real guests,” I conceded.

  I didn’t think things could get any worse until S’bastard stood in front of me with his date. Julius groaned with humiliation as we stood looking at the biggest whore in Cartwright. I couldn’t believe Jennifer would actually show up, let alone with her ex brother-in-law. But, Jen has always been an equal opportunity ho. Surely, she wasn’t going to congratulate us. I quickly covered my chest in case they were there to hit me with water balloons.

  Julius looked at his brother with such a disappointed expression and said, “Really, you had to do this at my wedding?”

  “What? She grew up with the bride,” Sebastian replied.