Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  We got a call one Sunday morning from Amos, telling us Claire had gone into labor. I had refused to visit her at the Staple house, but our own homes were almost finished, and I was looking forward to living right next door to her. I never shared that sentiment with Julius because I was still mad over Amos living so close.

  The next day, we all stood around the hospital bed and stared down at the baby lying in Claire’s arms. It was so ugly, but in a cute just fought its way out of her vagina kind of way. The baby had potential, a little bow stuck to her bald head, a cute frilly dress, a large black dot over her father’s face in the family portrait, yeah, she could be cute with a little work.

  “Are you and Julius going to start a family?” Claire asked, because she was still doped-up from childbirth.

  Julius looked at me with a hopeful expression and I snorted at him. I had lost my car keys, I left my purse in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and I still opened the closet door instead of the bathroom door during the night when I got out of bed to pee. I was not ready to take on the responsibility of another human being. Just naming a baby would be so difficult, I mean, how do you stick someone with a name when they are not even able to tell you if it feels right or not?

  “What did you name her?” I asked Claire, and hoped it was something Amos could spell.

  “We named her Amy, after her daddy,” Claire said with pride, and I felt tears fill my eyes. The poor, poor baby, she would spend her life knowing she was purposefully named after Dumbo. I planned to tell her as soon as she could speak that she was actually named after Princess Amelia of England. It would make her life so much easier.

  Travis stared freakishly at the baby as Sara ran her tiny fingers over Princess Amy’s bald crown. I worried about the large diamond on her finger denting the baby’s head. “Don’t touch her,” I yelled, and everyone turned to look at me. “She’s new, let her be new for a little while,” I explained, and wished everyone would stop looking at me.

  “I already fed her before you came, you can all hold her,” Claire said, and held up the pink bundle. “My nipples are actually quite sore, so someone please take her.”

  Julius turned red at the mention of Claire’s nipples and I wondered why my nipples never got him flustered. Maybe it was the fact Claire’s nipples were now mother nipples and not just woman nipples. When I stopped with the whole nipple evaluation I saw Julius sitting in a chair holding Quasi Moto’s child.

  He looked so natural, and so happy, and so ready for his own baby. I quickly rushed over to take her from him. He held his hands under Amy as if I would drop her or purposefully throw her down. I tried to ignore him and looked at Princess Amy’s face. She was all red and mushed and her eyes seemed sewn shut. Then she yawned, and her lips puckered as she settled showing two deep dimples, which looked so much better on her than her dimpled butt father.

  “Ah, she’s so cute,” I said, and finished my thought about how shocking it was in my head.

  The door opened, and Mr. and Mrs. Bicknell walked in to see their blue-collar granddaughter. I handed the child to her, and out of all her expensive stuff she seemed to like this the most. She cried and kissed the baby’s head repeatedly, making her no longer new. Claire’s father walked over to kiss his daughter’s cheek and asked, “How are you, Claire?”

  “Her nipples are sore, and it makes Julius uncomfortable,” I answered, and the room became quiet.

  “We’re leaving now,” my husband said, and took my hand to lead me from the room.

  We were walking down the hallway when Claire’s baby-daddy came into view. He was dressed in his uniform and had a gun strapped to his side. I’m sure there was at least one time he tried to wiz with his gun and put his dangler in the holster, but I doubt he would ever admit it.

  “Your daughter’s beautiful,” Julius told him.

  “Thanks, I’m scared to death, man, she’s so tiny,” Amos said. Julius patted him on the back to give him support. Only Amos would think Claire would give birth to a full-sized person, although I’m pretty sure he was born full-sized.

  We made our way to the car and headed back toward our floating house. I’m not sure how it works, but somehow conversations have a way of taking a wild turn without the two-people conversing being aware of it. I’m certain it is how most divorces happen. If it became a law that couples could only talk about the subject they began talking about, I bet the divorce rate would drop.

  Julius got a phone call from someone, so I listened quietly. They were discussing the color orange, and for some reason Julius was getting upset. When he hung up he turned to look at me. “The company I hired to manufacture the new sign for the club doesn’t want to use the color orange,” he explained.

  “Why?” I asked, because I couldn’t understand what anyone would have against the color orange. It was king of all the colors, maybe not king, but prince, possibly not prince, but court jester at the very least. I was thinking about the possibility of picketing in front of the company when my attention was suddenly placed back on my hubby.

  “I think we should begin trying for a baby after Travis and Sara’s wedding,” he said.

  Whoa. He spoke as if we were talking about the weather, or coupons. My head was spinning due to the sudden turn in the conversation. I had no idea how we got on this subject, but I wanted off it quickly. A baby, wow, another person to take care of every day and every night, and they can’t even talk for the first…what… five or ten years. I mean, of course they can talk, but nobody pays attention.

  “Did you see that?” I exclaimed and pointed to the thick forest. “I think I just saw Bigfoot.”

  Julius didn’t speak again the whole way home. When we got out of the car he went right to the back room of the boat. It wasn’t like we could get away from each other. We were cramped in the place, but it never bothered me. If I had to be cramped with someone, I would happily be cramped with Julius.

  I walked to the back room and saw him sitting on the bed with his head down. “Are you mad at me?” I asked him and began to really worry. He closed his eyes for a moment, so I walked closer and sat on the edge of the bed. “Julius, if I did anything to upset you, I’m sorry.”

  “Tobi, I want a family, a house full of kids and all the problems that come with it. I’m afraid you don’t,” he said sadly.

  My heart began beating wildly. My lemniscates was turning into a square and it made me want to cry. I couldn’t live without Julius, but it would kill me to be a square. I finally said, “I want a family too, just not right now. I just turned twenty-four, we have lots of time.”

  He held out his hand for mine and I moved quickly to sit on his lap. I loved his lap and not just because it was attached to more interesting places, but because his long legs made a great lap… and because it was attached to more interesting places.

  “You’ll be a wonderful mother,” he said as he kissed my neck. My mind was beginning to fade as his lips moved up and down against my flesh. I had to concentrate hard to keep a thought in my head.

  “Can we have a circular crib?” I asked, and he moaned in the affirmative. “Can we name the baby Budge?” I pressed, and he lifted his head to look at me.

  “Budge?”

  “Yeah, you know how people say, ‘Don’t Budge,’ well, our child could Budge all he wanted because his name would be Budge.”

  He smiled widely as his hand moved to hold my face in his palm. “Sure, we can name him Budge,” he said, and I felt my uterus get all tingly. Maybe I was readier than I thought and having a baby would be the perfect thing. I suddenly remembered a doll I had as a child that I cut open to see what made it cry. Visions of slicing open my baby came into my mind and I instantly decided now was not the time for baby Budge.

  I wasn’t too worried now since he was talking about trying for a baby after Sara and Travis’s wedding. I decided to get the conversation back on something more attainable, so I suggested we go eat pizza for lunch.

  We grabbed a booth in the back of our favorit
e place, which was unfortunately in Cartwright, and snuggled like honeymooners as we waited for our food. “Are you happy, Tobi?” he asked me. It was something he asked at least once a week and I never had a moment when the answer wasn’t yes.

  “I’m very happy because this,” I pointed at his heart, “and this,” I cupped his dangler, “are mine.”

  He smiled and pulled my mouth to his. There is nothing better than kissing surrounded by the smell of pizza. It made several body parts hungry at the same time. “We should have sex as we eat pizza,” I suggested with enthusiasm.

  “Here?” he asked with wide eyes.

  “No, not here,” I said and smacked his arm. “God, I’m not Jennifer.” He gave me a disgusted look and I only shrugged. “Sorry, but once you go to the dark side it can be used against you at any time.”

  There was a loud noise coming from a large group of people entering the restaurant. I looked over to see Jack and his posse coming in to eat. I groaned, and Julius looked over and then groaned, too. This was the problem with living too close to Cartwright, you always ran into someone you didn’t want to see.

  Jack looked over at us and Julius turned away. “Hey Tobi, looks like you were able to hold on to this one,” Jack called out.

  I glanced at his friend, who was prettier than any man had a right to be and said, “Yeah, looks like you did, too.”

  Jack grew angry and said loudly, “Everyone who’s fucked Jennifer Staple raise their hand.” The entire table he was with raised their hands and Jack motioned for Julius to lift his, too.

  “You idiot,” I yelled to Jack. “That would be like asking who here drinks water. So, let’s try a better question. Who here actually gave her a real orgasm, instead of having her fake it?”

  The table of men looked at each other with apprehension and Julius smiled as he raised his hand high into the air. I laughed, not because I found it funny, but because Jack looked so dang worried. I think it was the first time he realized men could ‘give’ a woman an orgasm. He lost his virginity years ago, but just now became a man.

  We took our pizza to go, since dining with Jen’s sex club was not worth our date time… and I wanted to put my pizza-sex theory to the test. Julius drove toward the dock until I began nibbling on his ear and running my hand down his chest and into his pants. He pulled onto an obscure service road and turned off the engine.

  I pulled up my skirt, finally prepared for spur of the moment sex, and removed my panties, which Julius quickly put in his glove box. He moved his seat back and I climbed onto his lap as I held out a slice of pizza for him.

  Just as he took a bite I connected us, and my loud moaning covered the sound of him choking. I thought my guy was so happy he was speechless. My eyes were closed as I concentrated on the feel of him and I smiled when I heard him pounding on his chest. He was especially active this time, moving in quick thrusts which almost tossed me off him.

  He had never been like this, and I was really feeling things in all the right places as I marveled at his creativity. I grabbed onto the seat just over his shoulders and let my hair fall to his chest. He grabbed a fist-full of my hair and pulled so hard I yelled out. It was then I saw his eyes bugging out as he pointed to his mouth and struggled to breathe.

  I am an awful, awful person. I actually took the time to decide if I wanted to finish… since I was really close, and it was going to be a doozie, or if I wanted to save my guy. If I chose the mind-blowing orgasm, it would be a onetime thing, but if I saved him, the possibility of more pizza-sex loomed in my future. I chose my guy.

  I jumped off him and he sat up as I pounded furiously on his back. He was finally able to dislodge the pizza bite and coughed it up as he gasped for air. My spirit soared until I noticed his spirit, along with other parts of him drooped.

  I thought Julius only cussed during sex, but I was stunned at his ‘brush with death’ vocabulary. I wonder if pizza had ever been referred to as, mutha effing slices of effing shiit…with two I’s?

  I nodded my head as if I agreed and kept quiet about his choking prowess. He finally calmed down and let his body fall back onto the seat as he covered his eyes with his fingers. I’m sure he thought the day could not get any worse, but he would have been wrong.

  Flashing lights came on and Julius frantically began pulling up his pants. He tried to bring the seat back up at the same time he pulled up his zipper… big mistake. When the officer walked up to the driver side window, he found Julius staring up at him in tears.

  “Is there a problem?” Doug asked, and I leaned my head over and smiled.

  “Hi, Doug.”

  “Oh, hi Erica, I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t a problem with your vehicle,” he said and glanced into the backseat at the pizza boxes.

  “We’re just eating our pizza,” I smiled, and Julius let out a big breath of air he had been holding since catching a small amount of dangler skin in his zipper.

  Doug looked at Julius’s tears and back at me. “Are you two fighting?”

  “No,” I said with a laugh. “You don’t have pizza-sex if you’re fighting.”

  “Tobi,” crying Julius said, “I’ll handle this.” He looked back at the officer and explained, “I was choking on a piece of pizza and loosened my pants to breathe. When I pulled the zipper back up I caught myself.”

  Doug’s eyes got large and he looked at Julius in sympathy before saying, “Do you need any medical assistance?”

  “No, I just need you to step away, so I can take care of it,” Julius said with a strained voice.

  Doug quickly stepped away and turned his back, so Julius could lie back and unhook himself. I quickly leaned over to see how much damage was done and sighed at the sight of the missed opportunity.

  Doug came back to the car and asked to see Julius’s license and registration. He reached for the glove box and opened it to reveal my panties, so I quickly took them and began putting them back on. Doug looked at the documentation and handed it back to Julius and said, “Why don’t you two go home and spend your day indoors.”

  “Yes, that’s a great idea,” Julius said, and I leaned over to look at Doug.

  “Don’t tell my mom, or I’ll tell your wife about you and Jennifer Staple.” He nodded guiltily and quickly returned to his squad car.

  Julius looked at me and finally asked, “How did you know he was with Jennifer?”

  “I didn’t, but I played the odds.”

  We drove home, letting the pizza and other things grow cold.

  Chapter 14

  Julius planned a family lunch to show his parents his third marriage was a charm. I was terrified I would have to cook and host them on our boat. I was good with heating up fast-food or grabbing a steamed bag of veggies from the microwave but cooking a four-course meal was beyond my abilities. Plus, I would have to carry everything to our tiny table as the boat rocked. I think Julius was afraid I’d dump a can of hot soup on his father, so he opted for a nice restaurant.

  We arrived first and waited for our group before being shown a table. I could tell Julius was nervous by the way he kept looking at his phone and rubbing the back of his neck. I knew it wouldn’t do any good to try and reassure him, so I headed to the ladies’ room and sent him a dirty picture instead. I returned to find him in a much better mood.

  We heard a loud car pull into the lot and Julius took a deep breath before saying, “Sabastian’s arrived.”

  “You invited S’bastard?” I gasped, suddenly not on board with this family dinner.

  “He’s my brother, no matter how much the idea sickens him,” Julius stated, but I caught the sadness in his voice. I looked out the window and saw the mafioso walking toward the entrance.

  “I’ll be right back,” I announced and headed out the door.

  S’bastard didn’t recognize me at first, because I had on a blazer that hid my chest. I was directly in front of him before his eyes widened and he said, “Well, hello there. Are you leaving so soon?”

  I knew h
e meant more than leaving the restaurant, but I ignored his inference and crossed my arms to show him I meant business. Well, not actually business, but I wanted him to know I was serious. “Look,” I began, “Your amazing, kind, sweet, sexy brother wants to have a nice meal with his family. If you can’t manage that, leave now.” He gave a half smile, not his full effort, but a pitiful attempt. I was not excepting anything short of full effort, so I interjected, “Do better, or you can’t come inside.”

  “With what?” he questioned.

  “With that…. that…. smirk, or snicker, or whatever it is your mouth is doing.” His lips pulled into a full smile and he even laughed a bit. I wasn’t going to let him fool me, so I rolled my hand and said, “Okay, give me an example of conversation.”

  He placed his hands in his pockets and said, “Bro, why does your wife have bigger balls than you?”

  I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into the opposite direction as I began marching him back to his car. I was so angry that I didn’t notice William dear and Charlotte headed toward us. S’bastard saw them and called out. I feel a grown man calling to his mommy showed I absolutely had bigger balls than him.

  “What’s going on?” Charlotte asked.

  “I’m doing your job,” I yelled at her. “Your son is rude and mean, not your sweet, kind son, just this piece of immature, insecure dung you named so badly.”

  I realized I was giving them a horrible example of dinner conversation and wasn’t even attempting a half grin. It was hypocritical, but I was defending my man with my big balls.

  “Take your hands off my boy,” William dear demanded.

  For a moment I wondered which boy he meant, because I had a legal document saying I could touch Julius all I wanted. I looked over to see my hands still attached to S’bastard’s shirt. Oh yeah, I should stop that.